Not coping after disclosure

startingnew · ‎07-03-2017

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

james1 · ‎02-08-2017

Hey SN,

I can understand why you don't want to tell them. I still haven't told my mother. Her reaction would be too much for me, even if I knew it ultimately came from a place of caring.

I'm glad to hear about how you've talked to your psych about these things and are relaying them to us. It sounds like a lot of what she says makes sense to you too. Do you find her helpful?

James

Peppermintbach · ‎02-08-2017

Hey SN,

Technology is really hating me this week. I have been trying to upload an avatar for over an hour....don't know why it's not working...

I'll get back to you about the other part...about Sara...I hear you. I feel the same way. Hugs...

Pepper xoxo

Peppermintbach · ‎02-08-2017

Hi SN (waves to James),

Hey, you were just writing from the heart. Please don't be so hard on yourself. And I'm glad you feel reassured about it now...see, all good, no harm done 🙂

Sigh...I can definitely relate to how you're feeling about Sara. I'm trying to be hopeful but it's very hard sometimes. She wants us to stay hopeful so I am trying my best.

Thanks for the kind words. Right now, I don't feel very strong but I appreciate your words 🙂 I mean, my coping style is to avoid and repress, which is hardly model behaviour...but I agree that Sara is very resilient and as she has said so herself, she has been in your shoes before. To get to where she is now took time and many falls, trips and turns.

I have faith that you'll get there too...step by step...even if you go backwards sometimes, that's okay because we all do that sometimes...as long as you're moving is the main part 😉

Oh dear, the debt collection issue would be very stressful. No wonder you're concerned about it. Hopefully, they will see the email before sending debt collectors out. I was wondering if you included a copy of receipts, etc in the email as that might help smooth the process?

Regardless of the reason for your mum's behaviour and way of responding, I think the bottomline is you don't feel supported by her and feel as though you need to tip-toe around her. It must have hurt immensely when she didn't believe you about the depression and anxiety.

I get a real sense of "please love me", "please hear me" and maybe even "please don't leave me" in your posts. Maybe I'm imagining things but I recognise that tone in a lot of survivors. Remember my offline friend? I sense that in her as well...I suppose what I'm trying to say is, as Sara said earlier, you're loved. And I hear you and no one is leaving...hopefully that didn't come out all wrong...Hugs

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

james1 · ‎03-08-2017

Hello Pepper 🙂

Peppermintbach · ‎03-08-2017

Hey yourself, James 🙂

Pepper

Just Sara · ‎03-08-2017

Hi Essen; (Big shout-out's to Pepper and James too!)

I'm here honey; don't worry, please. I've been in some really tight spots many times with lots going on and I'm still here to tell the stories ok. Living your life is full of lessons in a big classroom;; I say this with respect...

Know you're valuable and precious beyond words 'because' you were born! Despite whatever those around you felt, thought, did or said at that time, or since.
You're not accountable or responsible for anyone or anything but you; 'their' thoughts, words, feelings and actions are owned by them, not you. All you can do is respond, that's enough.
Learn how to speak up for yourself so others don't feel defensive. Saying; "That really hurt" or "I don't know how to respond when you speak to me like that. I get confused a lot" will tell them you're vulnerable and put the ball in their court. If they continue, take a breath and walk away.
Each day, make a list of (worrisome) things you can accomplish instead of putting the weight of the world on your shoulders. No-one can do everything in one day. Prioritise your list and only do what's absolutely necessary; the rest can wait till tomorrow, later or never because it's not yours to worry about.
Putting yourself thru unnecessary worry over things like HPV is perpetuating self harm, because 'nothing' you do right at this moment in time will help. Read thru your posts and count how many things you're focusing on that can be dealt with today; very few!
Instead of punishing yourself over saying the wrong thing, ask if it's actually hurtful/insensitive/insulting. More times than not you panic for no reason.
Write a list of your positive points and skills etc. Put them in a place of honour and add to them when you think of something new. Read that list everyday and know you're doing the best you can despite your past.
Repeat this out loud when life gets on top of you; 'God grant me - the serenity to accept things I cannot change...courage to change the things I can...and wisdom to know the difference.'

And last but not least, print this out and keep it in your bag or where you have access to it as a reminder you're human and can't fix the world or the people in it. Practice mindfulness by reading it until you settle.

I'm your friend and mentor; love's more powerful than anything, especially the love you give yourself. You're worth it!

Big mwah! I'm ok and continue to 'live' my life despite it's problems.

Sara xoxoxoxxo

startingnew · ‎03-08-2017

HI James
yeah I wouldnt be able to handle the reaction at all. At the moment my psych is driving me insane because she doesnt seem like shes lsitening to me. My last sessin went for 2 hours. The last hour was so draining because she wasnt listening to me when I said you dont have to explain it yet she continued to explain it and I just wanted to get out of there.

startingnew · ‎03-08-2017

Hi Pepper

thank you for your response. Yes it was abit of a relief really. I didnt want to make things worse. It just reminded me so much of what my nan was goin through and it really knocked the wind out of me for a bit.

Im tryinto stay hopeful too, still doesnt scare me any less though I must say.

Sometimes that coping style works, it worked abit for me until I opened up about one little things and from there on I lost my shite.
Im trying to learn to walk backwards that way when things goe down hill I can keep walking towards the good stuff even in reverse.

I still havent heard back from the debt collectors. If I dont here from them by friday arvo ill have to ring them (gulp) I hate phone calls esp to them. I think I did keep the recipts and I also scanned stuff so I do have evidence. It shouldnt have happened in the first place. Ive paid this shite a few weeks ago and it has been received because I put tracking with signature and its been received.

Yes my mother im walking on egg shells, its been a very rough day today. Ill write that in a separate post though. It involved pretty much running away from home and struggling to get back home.

I do remember your friend and what you have said, I dont know how my posts sound. Others seem to pick it up clearly though. I dont know what to think or feel really. Everything been stuffed around so much I dont know whether im arther or marther now.

startingnew · ‎03-08-2017

Omg SARA
shite its soo good to hear from you. Omg it is it is! Ahh god I think I was holding my breath that whole time! Happy tears all round!

I get everything your saying here. I dont feel valuable one bit. I dont know what to feel. Its pretty heart breaking to find out that not even your own parents wanted you. I cant help but feel resposnible for all these things. Everyone else blames me for it, I guess its easier to give in then to fight it. I cant speak up Sara, ive tried it and all I do is get in trouble. Today is yet another example- will write a separate post for that.
I cant help but worry, I cant. Theres always so much to worry about. Yeah maybe if it was only one or two things to worry about but its not its the whole damn library.
Ok then- was my last post to you on your other thread hurtful.insensitive/insulting? Im too scared to go on your thread in case ive made things worse for you. It wasnt meant to come out like that.

Never heard of that quote- do you live by that?

Yes Sara, your a massive mentor, more than what I couldve hoped for. ALOT more and for that I will forever be thankful. And a friend yes, and a lot more to me than just a friend and mentor. A whole heap more.
Also I dont know how far youve read back, but I hope I havent made you feel worse or too embarassed by anything ive said about you on here
Gosh you have no idea how releived I am to at least 'hear' from you

startingnew · ‎03-08-2017

Im in the middle of a massive fight been going on since last night. Its such a mess 😞
I cant write too much but I can give abit of information.
So far since last night ive ruined mums bday plans for me, ive ruined my friends bday plans for me, mums angry at me because she thinks ive been bad mouthing her, mums bf is angry at me too for the same reason and was messeging me so it wasnt in front of the kids and I coped so much it made me have a panic attack. And still they kept going on about it.
All of this because of a FB thing. My friend who has nothing to do my mother and doesnt like her blocked her on fb. Its such a mess and im to blame for the whole thing.
My friends dont like my mtoher because they can see exactly whats going on only in life form so pretty much have the whole story without me saying anything.

And last night I was in incredible pain. My old injury flared up, I couldnt weight bear or move it or my toes and shooting pains everywhere. Even just resting my foot hurt even with pain relief every 4 hrs. Ive had all of 3 hrs sleep because I was so distressed last night and then because of pain.

And today I was getting talked at not to but at this morning. I was getting abd chest pains. Not really a good sign. The tension in this house is unbeleievable. All because of FB.
So this morning I left and ive only got home maybe 2 hours ago. An hour of that was sent in the shower.
I can see last night why she was angry or upset or whatever and I knows shes trying to organise something for a few weeks time. I wish one of my friends had of responded saying that they werent coming etc. but they didnt not that I know of. I find it rude really. But I know where they are coming from. They dont like her and cant get along with her but still.

Like I said I had no idea about anything until last night while I was getting blasted.

I am more lonely now than ever. Its like I cant turn anywhere. Im just in a small squished box hardly breathing. And even while im in ths box stacked underneath a pile of crap out of everyones way. I still cant do right. Its so screwed up. Im screwed up. I dont know anything about anything yet I still get everything blamed on me for doing a heap of shite I know nothing about.