I have come to the realisation that I struggle with an addictive personality. Through smoking, porn use, gambling on trading card games, video games and substances, I've always had something that I turn to.
A previous partner found out about my porn usage and confronted me. I lied to hide it and was caught out, and made to feel gross for watching pornography.
I approached my current partner the other day regarding my addiction and had the idea to use onlyfans to remove the support of the porn industry and instead directly support users and also have a personal connection to seperate it from just pornography. They saw that this would be cheating, which after having time to think I can see this.
I already had an account that I had used for about a week, but after our conversation I deleted it. I made one purchase during my time but mainly spoke to people about games and got to know the creators.
The following night my partner was upset and slept in the loungeroom. They spoke to me on the morning, asking me if I had an account already. Again I lied to protect myself and was caught out, as they had gone through my emails. We fought and I am now kicked out.
It was never my intention to cheat, I have been cheated on before and wouldn't wish that on anyone. I brought up the idea of onlyfans to my partner due to the fact it would cost money and I am already terrible with money.
In hindsight, it didn't help the addiction in the slightest and instead made another addiction to consider.
I need to stop lying as a front to protect myself and I need to stop my addictive personality taking over. I hate myself for what I've done, don't get me wrong I'm mad about them going through my emails but as far as things go that's nothing compared to my behaviour.
