Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Starwolf]

Hi Demonblaster,

Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring thoughts.

Your post resonated with me. It seems we have a similar attitude towards the notion that mental illness stays with us for as long as we live. Unless genetics are at work, it is an opinion I have always strongly rejected. Besides, I resent hope being taken away. A life sentence is not to be assigned lightly.

In my view, feelings and emotions that have been raveled into a chaotic mess can eventually be untangled. Different approaches suit different people and it sure takes a lot of hard, ruthless mind work. I don't say it will work for everybody but I don't agree it cannot be done.

I too ended up in a pit of despair and planned to bow out. A horrific childhood lived in fear, gang rape, leaving narcissistic relationships and drug addiction behind, losing my father to suicide and my adopted family in the Boxing Day tsunami, later being sole carer for a difficult child with acquired brain injury all contributed to PTSD, of course with anxiety and depression attached and DID to begin with.

But gradually, my stress and depression levels were returned to normal, dissociation done away with. I now live alone in difficult conditions but I feel free from the past. It hasn't disappeared, it is still there in the background were it belongs but emotional contents has been shed. More trauma came my way but it seems I have developed some sort of immunity. Backtracking never happened.

I am nothing special. My emotions are the same as everyone else's. As a matter of fact I am more sensitive than average.

You are right, change can happen though not as long as our emotions are still anchored firmly in the past.

As for your self-esteem being low...it sounds to me like you have plenty reasons to let it soar ! You have been through hell but courageously kept going. You sure deserve a better residence...

Well done, Demonblaster !

[demonblaster]

Hey Star 🙂 Thanks for supportive post good on you. What a bloody life you've had but you've beaten/beating the Black dog.

Did you find time helped get over the PTSD/Mental health workers/or as you've said working on it yourself which I find the best way so far, support from family/friends etc.

Kudos

Thx lovely of you to say plenty of reasons for self esteem to soar.

Since losing my partner, I knew we had good friends/family but WOW, not how good they've been. Amazing friend said that's cause of what I give out, hadn't thought about it that way.
Support & love are essential I have it in spades but ya don't wanna dump on people.
I talk a LOT about Bipolar for people to understand & not necessarily fear all mental Illness. The dark ages and still now people were treated abhorrently.
I'm lucky not to have hallucinations/Grand deur, I tell people I don't think I'm wonder woman...I KNOW i am 🙂

Dad yrs ago said you need confidence in life, I asked how but think he was doing something (lost him when I was 18 awesome& Mum too.Sudden, boy shock it sends you sideways) We always continue loving someone that's worthy aye.
Ooops back to point took yrs to work out how then I realised to get it we need to Like/Love ourselves, so anything that pulls me down, I'm in the process of kicking ALL demons butts. Gunna happen, I plan to die on top although suicide is often an alternative but not gunna happen through recent theories of how we came about and I saw Mum cry I think 3 times in our time, one time was Dad dying the other 2 was cause of me and one them was when she read suicide note. Can't get that outta my head.
Also Partner & his very loved sister in the same yr both with different conditions fought tooth and nail to live, they never gave up though partner said if I hadn't pushed him to eat, I saved his life for a short time anyway, he had given up but I didn't know till later.

Thanks for reply 🙂

Keep up fantastic work, with our mindset we CAN & Will beat these demons.
Glad to talk to someone with similar mindset.
Good point too about possibly genes.
They say or think (Heard both) that it's chemicals that pull us down. The brains still very perplexing to scientists still.
Einstein said we use 10% of our brain, think I heard since recently we use a bit more but I find that fascinating.
Like to know why

Take it easy, be kind to yourself 🙂

[Starwolf]

Thank you for your kind words.

To answer your question, recovery took years of persistent work. This work was based on the fact that mind function depends largely on electro-chemical reactions in the brain. Every thought contributes to/influences this cocktail. Living a decade in Asia taught me something that I had never heard mentioned in the West : the mind can be tamed and controlled. It is like training a feral animal. It is supposed to be OUR mind but in fact, it owns us and drags us where we don't want to go. The way the principle was explained to me made perfect sense. It was reinforced by self-observation (the mind watching itself). So I became wary of the thought process and started working on it. It meant catching every thought as it arose. Before the mind latched on to it and became tangled in its pull. Difficult, as often we only notice thoughts when we are already swept in the current. Either watching them pass like clouds over a clear sky or making a conscious decision to engage the reasonable, logic mind to challenge and reject them, to replace them with something that made more sense. Being stubborn as a mule does help... like all autocrats, the mind will resist relinquishing power.

There was also befriending some of the demons so they would work with/for me instead of against. I believe healing involves a complex combination of strategies that may vary from one person to the other. It is a journey of self-discovery, of who we really are under the emotional rubble of our shattered inner world.

Well done for believing it can be done...even if it means being a work in progress for the rest of your life. The journey sure is more important than the destination. Setbacks are part of every long journey, part of the learning curve towards progress, even if they don't feel like it at the time. You have already achieved major victories.

Your questioning mind and determination are terrific assets. You also have loving support from friends and family, a priceless gift ! I'm sure they wouldn't feel like you're dumping on them and would like to be given more chance to help.

Thank you for speaking out to eradicate the stigma attached to mental conditions. So many of those affected still do their best to keep it under wraps. It shows your courage. You are a legend !

[demonblaster]

Starwolf, love the name btw

Not sure if I said here, quicky scan & can't see it.
A psychologist showed me once when I said about fighting the beast a piece of strong rope, got me to pull on it and he resisted. Point made, though I don't agree actually with that either though it certainly is what happens but how I see it we either go with the downs or oppose them as you're saying above.

One of my nephews, incredibly motivated and will succeed in what he wants to do without a doubt, positive, energy + determination, it's all mind set.

I'm thinking emotions are probably the hardest thing that we ALL in this world need to learn to control, God knows if that was the case there could actually be peace and wayyyy less depression and suffering.

Yes you said yrs to get where you are, it's taken me several so far but I'm needing to work harder these days but that's ok cause a positive in the BP beast is I'm becoming a stronger person from it. Halleh, need to not be so damned sensitive but one of many demons to tackle, & WILL.

Interesting what you said about befriending some of the demons and making them work for you, I'll have a good think about that. I'm thinking from that, that every bit of self doubt, every tonne should I say lol, by throwing in a positive as a combat tool & it's not how I want to feel about myself, I'll try and not believe these downer thoughts. That's the problem with low self esteem and confidence although over the yrs big progress there, long way to go, we automatically believe it.

Fascinates me why though we ALL I think have this in us with/out illnesses/disorders etc. Hopefully not repeating myself here but a theory that's helping me in this journey is though I'm not religious I think maybe let's say there is a God that's good and with Ying and Yang that's evident in many ways there's a devil, so what if as I think we've been created, we were by both, both very powerful. There's evidence of good and evil in life.
Dunno but I do know for sure it's helping me, because as most of us with depression and crap like this are good people so it's time for the good to take control over the down bad rot.

A shard post on fb (Facebook) as a lot of stuff there with wisdom, from that nephew was saying basically every thing that enters our minds, is up to us how we process it. GOLD

Thanks for your support and encouragement 🙂

Nice hearing from you 🙂

Go easy

[demonblaster]

Sigh, I've been lately working on a huge list of ways to deal with the Black dog. It's all making sense & CAN be achieved.

I'm sooo sick of being down and crying. ENOUGH!!!!

God I'm a good person, care about people, wanna help, not nasty, try to be tolerant & am nice & mostly well liked/loved. This mongrel of a head though, how much do ya have to take before I break through & beat the mutt.

Ya get so incredibly tired

These forums are about opening up.
I've learnt we have to be honest in ourselves to start working through.

What's pulling me down atm amongst other stuff, I'm clueless what to do about it.
I go both ways, (I'm a chooky), seeing some blokes, they don't really give a hoot, not the way people wanna be appreciated & cared about, but I'm not sure but think I might be in love with a chook, very good friend.
On occassion had reason to think it possibly could be reciprocated but could be wishful thinking.
Not sure.
Thinking probs the best thing for me is to step back or out for a while to try & let the bubble burst.
We're even in the throws of possibly going into business together. We get on very well. My feelings run deeply for her & think her too but not sure exactly how I feel. Wouldn't be worried to say out loud if I knew for sure.
Buggered if I know.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about her pretty much since we met a couple yrs ago. Constant. Pretty good sign I guess
She's in a relationship.

I'll be ok, till next time, maybe a few more solid nights sleep will make the dif.

It's happening too bloody often, I've GOTTA get on top of it.

Sick of this crap.

Like to say sorry for downer, but needed to vent, no better place than here

Soonish I'm gunna put up things I'm working out on paper at least for now, how to combat depression

Thanks listening

[Starwolf]

You are right, mental illness plays havoc with our emotions.

It seems your present problem is because those are not clear to you. The more we try to figure a riddle out, the more we tend to overthink, which leads to exhaustion. The exhausted mind cannot think clearly. It is of course impossible to do anything about something unless we know what it is. Have you tried to clarify your feelings to yourself by letting them loose in writing ? It often helps...

You say this woman has constantly been on your mind over the last 2 years. This sounds to me inconsistent with plain friendship, no matter how strong it may be. The fact that you are concerned enough to post about this when you are getting on fabulously (so no cause for worry) seems to point out something else may be involved. You are obviously not satisfied with the friend zone status. Would it concern you this much if you were happy with it ?

The fact that she is in a relationship complicates the situation. But if your feelings are reciprocated, she will sooner or later have to make a decision without you stepping in between.

Meanwhile, you remain in limbo, never a comfortable place to be. What are the chances of an honest, open chat with her ? Do you feel it could compromise what you already have (friendship) in favour of an uncertain future ?

The decision as to what to do (or not to) must of course be yours. The only thing we can do is is share a neutral perspective and hope it will help you find some measure of clarity.

[demonblaster]

Star thankyou for response with so many very good points. Very appreciated. Very constructive. Thanks again 🙂

Yeah I have talked to her about it, one of the things I love (I do love her as a great friend, with/out being in love) about her is she's a great listener, gives everyone the time to say their bit, I too try but need to work harder on that but do also listen. It's important to people, I get excited esp in BP but yeah do listen too.

Her alone first then partner came round today (not long gone) and talked to her a bit more, the thing is if I was clearly in love with her I'd have no issue being up front about it all. I believe in that, makes life easier to know where we all stand I reckon.
She just listened, she's so lovely, a beautiful soul.

I said to her when I figure it out, I'll just have to deal with it and settle for a great growing friendship, that's definately reciprocated.

Yeah pretty much a classic symptom of love is constant thoughts, doesn't drive me nuts but I've said to her at times, "get outta my head" lol.

We get on so well, communicate well and have a lot of good same traits, honor, communicative, go deep, think about stuff, converse well with people, like/lovable etc

I started off today feeling sooooo down again, but as the days eventuated, contact with various friends has helped no end.
Also been thinking about positives, like my art, I'm for the first time in life actually sticking with it and getting on, instead of in/out. have a goal now, believed for yrs I can make it a household name, at last hooking in.
I figure maybe with BP when the motivation & ideas flood, if I can balance it all out in non BP cycles it may ease severity, time will tell.

Thanks again Star, you're appreciated 🙂

How are you going?

[Starwolf]

Hey Demonblaster,

Well done for using the highs of bipolar to put your art out there. A terrific way to befriend the enemy. The roller coaster character of mental conditions often makes following goals through difficult. You are doing well. May I ask what form of art you are into ?

As for figuring out what sort of love you are feeling, the most important atm is that there is love in your life. And of course the emotional intimacy that goes with it. A priceless gift. Going along with it, nurturing it will eventually reveal its nature. Where the heart is concerned, time always does tell. Until then, I guess it will be a matter of enjoying what you know you have without worrying too much about what else could be.

Thank you for asking how I am...I'm OK. Whenever Life seems intent on dragging me down, I remind myself of where I started from and all the crap I've been through and out the other end. It never fails to lift my spirit.

Enjoy the day.

[demonblaster]

Guess I'm contradicting thread title but a bit of space I can vent, slowly working on head & Paper (PC) how to combat depression need to put it into practice first, post later.
Also in the process of learning how to hack this I can refer to these posts.

Vent: I'll be ok don't wanna give up like in the past but it gets mighty scary at times.
Feeling I'm sliding downhill these days, fast. Good times too, not all bad, moreso when alone dangerous times when the mind gets into self destruct mode.

Recap: BP (Bipolar) type 1 & 2 no hallucinations, grand deur fortunately.

Main prob atm is amongst life throwing nasties the cycles are slamming, 8/10+ yr. Most have 1 or 2 every 1 or 2 yrs.(Psychiatrist said).

I sincerely mean this not just words, but ya get desparate, need to talk to someone professional. The few times I've rang lifeline or here, there's not enough time, that's not a fault of anyone's sooo grateful for the service & time we do get & understand there's so many others needing more help. Not complaining, it's how it is but they can't take notes either for future reference, so going through the story so often is time consuming too for both parties.

I do tho don't wanna be dumping constantly on friends who luckily I have a lot of, but the ones that love me, don't need this crap & worry. I'm usually happy go lucky type, often not underneath.

Sick of hurting, crying, being down.
People usually stimulate me so jump a bus, chat, or just be around them, or visit, fb, call, text helps temporarily but better than no break.
Distraction we need doesn't solve problems just deters them for a bit but at least a break

While I was with partner suicide again never entered my mind, & God the places ya go are beyond hell, deep pits, still often but since, ....... pffftttt....it's an option which I need to delete permanently. Partner & his sister both passed same yr within mths both fought like hell for life, wouldn't be right to take mine willingly.

Sorry reiterating a bit.

Mostly I don't know I'm in a cycle till later on. They can sneak up. Used to be 2/3 days before whoopy sleep waking b4 birdies fart not so much now.

Anyway, pretty sure this isn't BP downs, hoping when I catch up sleep things be brighter, usually are.

I DO believe we can beat this. Helps to believe aye.

Thanks listening 🙂