Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for sharing your remarkable insight. Your positive mindset is inspiring so it definitely needs to be spread around. You have much to offer so... good on you for navigating the forums and connecting with other members. I'm sure your contribution will be appreciated.

I agree that distraction is a soothing (if temporary) balm. A useful strategy. I also think that talking to people while keeping the blerk feeling at bay helps somehow distance ourselves from the emotional contents. At least while in their presence. As you say, good for everyone concerned. But this practice can be extended to those dreaded alone times. That's where mindfulness came to my rescue (the mind dispassionately watching itself).

To answer your question, I consider myself healed and DAS tests (depression, anxiety, stress) confirm this. I'm in the low to normal in all 3. Have been so for many years in spite of the curves that were thrown at me during that time. Dissociation has been reintegrated, no longer an outside personality taking control.

Where PTSD is concerned, it always made sense to me that something which had been subconsciously programmed could also be consciously reconfigured. Eventually. It was more logical thinking than just belief. It is self-belief that regularly let me down...not feeling up to unraveling the tangles. Not only alone but up against the general consensus which considered my condition terminal ! I acknowledge it could have been, almost was. Self-image and confidence are the main resources abuse takes away from its victims. Luckily, the victim status didn't go down well with me...

We're all different, facing different issues and reacting to them differently. Recovery is a personal journey of self-discovery. Whether it will happen or not depends on a variety of complex conditions. As is often said, the journey is way more important than the destination. It is true that a lot is out of our hands and cannot be changed. But adopting a different perspective is always possible. This in itself can change everything !

[demonblaster]

Thanks for your support Star & chatting too, bit empty when you're talking to yourself 🙂 but I'm staying cause it's helping get there & hopefully helping others same time. It is therapeutic writing stuff. (not for everyone probs)

Glad you said some about yourself cause I was going to ask more, entirely your choice of course to talk.

True bout the journey of self discovery, we need to understand & believe in ourselves for strength & survival.
Also to be honest about our shortcomings, why we're feeling a certain way which often is hard cause it's not how we want to be so change is needed aye.

You've really come a long way well done. Heavy duty stuff to be dealing with.

Is disociation similar or same as Schizophrenia? (?sp) or separate condition.

Yip self image & confidence depression squashes, it does everything to us that hurts us.

Tiredness brings on stress on top of stress which creates all sorts of rot.
One of the majors we need to learn is emotional control, everyone. Dealing with stress, it's massive on the mind & body.

I haven't fully yet racked off suicide as an option, not planning on it or anything, just sits at back of mind, just need to keep reiterating reasons on post up there somewhere why not to.
One of the best fb posts I've seen said
"Suicide doesn't take the pain away"
"It leaves it"
So true. I don't like hurting people and it would, a LOT of so just gotta work at dismissing it full stop.

The thing is the BP cycles are so stuffin often & harsh as, ya wonder how much you can take aye before saying enough, but gotta change that thinking too.
Having lot of struggle getting outta this properly but have to. It's all part of growing & learning.
On the better side, it's backing off slowly, pretty sure cause of getting more quality sleep. Usually get exhausted or close to with BP, I didn't realise how tired I was over the past mth. Some self inflicted 🙂 other the mind saying no no stay up, you're half dead but let's play more 😄

Gotta believe aye

catch ya 🙂

[demonblaster]

Star been thinking untold bout chooky I talked about.
Trying to figure if it's love, yes in friendship definately but in love dunno. As you said sounds more than friendship. Been thinking about what you said so well too.

Told her other day first time she's been around here without prompting in the couple of yrs, she needed to talk rare for her usually holds it in. Happy to be here for her. Had a good time. Partied hard. I know she's happy when we bum around.
said I don't know if I'm in love with her bla bla, later told her about teen yrs met a bloke, drop dead yum, that I introduced to a besty who he fell in love with. Yeah too much fun, I was instantly infatuated, friend was a domineering chook, still love her deeply but god she hurt me a lot over our time, she had it all going for her & rarely made me feel good about myself which was lowest of low self esteem anyway I'd say no I don't wanna go out with yaz, so I could remove from pain but her being domineering mostly I went out with them, it ripped. Not to say I didn't have fun too but hurt like hell. Said to chooky I don't wanna go back there.
Maybe that's what's going on, could be the blocker that I can't figure out if it's love or not.

Been thinking of things I don't like about her, nothing major, few bits, but compared to what I REALLY love about her, no majors except one time not yelling match but got very hurt by her reaction, dropped her, bit later we ended up friends again, when I told her I'd dropped her I could hear in her voice she was very hurt. We've made a kinda pledge that if we argue to sort it asap and move on, life's too friggen short esp this friend recently suddenly passing.

I'm thinking the best thing for me is to take a big step back avoid being around her try like hell to get her outta my head. Doesn''t drive me nuts but constant thoughts of her. It'll be hard on her esp that I'd like to but not sure if I'm goin to say anything but think I should dahhhh, dunno.

If I knew for sure she didn't have any feelings that way at all then it'd be ouch but easier to hack, dunno if I'm ready for more rejection though, esp not these days & there's been a couple of possibles but really don't know. Gotta weigh up if it's just wishful thinking.

This for me is my biggest down atm, crying. It seems like there's 100 demons to slay.
I AM making progress at least but it has to be sooner than later
You said about time will tell, truth
Can't see alternatives

Thx listening

[demonblaster]

FINALLY getting through a long drawn out intermittent low, WOW soooo good to be on the I hope normal & not sliding into another BP cycle but either ither both good.

Ok so I think, not saying I'm right but the first thing we have to work on is like/loving ourselves. If we do I think that's where we get confidence. (a shield)

How:... We all have good points, For many... mental issues happen to good people.
Think about them, keep reminding ourselves until we finally realise & believe we're worthy.

The person we spend our entire being with is US, every second of our lives. If we don't like ourselves there's untold hard work, pain, anguish, anxiety, depression, the list goes on....

I'm pretty sure a starting point for happiness would be to like ourselves.

That'll do for a starter, eyes nearly falling on keyboard

Night night, hope yous sleep well, all the rot makes it hard aye.

Believe

[Starwolf]

Sorry I haven't been around. Inuring my back means I am able to do little else than lie on the floor in front of the heater.

You are right about self esteem. Nothing like emotionally abusive relationships to destroy it. And yes, it sure sets a pattern that compels us to fall back into similar associations. I think you are also right to be wary and cautious.

It took a couple of emotionally abusive relationships for me to realize that the pattern established during childhood was a hard one to shake...and that the only antidotes were self-esteem and confidence. Of course all relationships start on a high. By the time we figure our subconscious has been at work behind the scene, we are hooked.

You have already done a lot of courageous work on yourself and you know where you want to go...all good reasons to give yourself the pat on the back you so much deserve. Heroism is often thought of as a single spur-of-the-moment act. I think those who are battling the odds (like any illness for example) day after day over the years are more deserving of praise.

[demonblaster]

Bumma Star bout your back yeah full empathy, when mine goes out next which usually is in a big way I'll be in hospital, live in fear of it going out the pains unimaginable even with strong pain relief, barely can walk sometimes not at all.
So is it better now or bearable?

Good to see you too btw 🙂

Yeah she's respectful & really nice but I thought maybe I could get her outta my head by looking for faults, so far not much I don't like but just odd bits that don't really bother me as with everyone there's some things, be the same for her about me too no doubt. Our friendship is definately growing stronger & we don't see that much of eachother either. Gotta work hard on working out what the frigs going on. Then I can move on and be happy with a good friendship only.

The worst emotional abuse comes from my own head towards myself as many here & others too would be able to relate.

Thought I was coming outta the long down but seems it's still hanging on but going out tonight to see a good band & tear the dance floor up. Better around people.

Haven't seen original psychologist for months, she's very good, saw another that lives here couple times lovely etc but didn't really feel she's right fit for me & going through whole story over and over can be average, so gunna go back to this one but she only comes this way from another state every 6 wks but better than nothing.

Also got another organisation which took a few mths to get into programme, not their fault just the way it is & probs down to funding too so happy bout that cause as we all know at times ya get desparate & need to talk to someone, I simply CAN"T afford to go under that line again, & with the depression atm there's a good chance if BP comes in hard again that it'll happen.

Thanks Star for talking to me here, looks like just us, I am very grateful to you.

Apart from your back how are you doing?

[Starwolf]

Your empathy goes to my heart...thank you.

I smiled when you mentioned tearing up the dance floor (by far a favourite mindfulness exercise). Dance always played a huge part in my life so I'm totally with you re its therapeutic value. Great coordination for body, mind and soul.

It is a shame that finding the right therapist to connect and work with long-term often proves so difficult. Kudos for acknowledging the need to spill it all out...regardless. Better coping strategy than bottling it all up. You are right, the last thing you need is another implosion. Terrific insight into your mental/emotional states should keep you out of harm. Nothing like being in tune with your moods to give you a handle on them.

Perhaps mentioning this thread around the forums would lead to more interaction. Surely I am not the only one to find it a great place to visit...Knowing where to find you will help.

Sending love and warm thoughts your way.

[demonblaster]

Thankyou Star 🙂

how are you, how's your back now?

[Just Sara]

Hey Chooky!

Thought I'd drop in and say "Hey there" 🙂

I just found this thread; sorry I didn't know you had one going lovely. I haven't read thru...my bad. I'm trying to find new posters atm who've gone under the radar and let them know they're heard. I see you've been doing a bit of that yourself...kudos and thankyou.

I might pop in again later in the day or this evening to chat more in depth if you like. Would be nice to get to know you better and support if I can.

Looking forward to it...

Warm thoughts;

Sara x

[demonblaster]

Hey chooky thanks darl yeah been doing it hard lately, just posted elsewhere too, need to talk.

Feel like I've caught up sleep finally, trying to get this card done, (recently friend died suddenly, for her Mum & in honor of her with my art but can't get it happening, not happy no matter what I do & feeling pressured to get it done.
Can't shake this depression, ok around others but not. Nearly every day lately crying, (going for it now here) sad, scared when the next BP comes on that it's gunna compound. Have a lot of people contact usually which is good and lot of love but ya can't keep downing them.

As much as I believe this can be controlled, tbh I'm not sure, just don't know how much more I'm willing to take, is why I HAVE to work it out NOW not later. I'm usually happy between cycles, this batch is going on for wks, usually able to get out once I catch up properly with sleep within 2/3 wks.

Lost my life partner nearly 2 & half yrs ago, hell with BP slamming on top, nearly took me back to attempts, I live in fear of going under the line again, tried 4 times & other contemplating in teens. Contemplating through grieving too, although over worst of, missing him sooo much. We loved eachother, haven't got that anymore.

Yeah I too as you noticed don't wanna see people not responded too. We sound similar 🙂 chooky

Thanks again girl for caring and listening xx
How are you doin

I wanted to put a BP thread up which there's already one and a diary so I can vent in there but cause there's already one I can't. This isn't the right one to be venting in but haven't got anywhere else here.