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BeyondBlue Welcome, read this if it's your first time here !
  • replies: 0

Hey there! This section is where you can find many of the longer conversations that are happening on the Forums. It is a special place for people who have been sharing and supporting each other for years. We know that our mental health can be a journ... View more

Hey there! This section is where you can find many of the longer conversations that are happening on the Forums. It is a special place for people who have been sharing and supporting each other for years. We know that our mental health can be a journey with ups and downs. Take a look through these longer conversations and you can see how supportive, validating and kind this community can be. It can be tricky to join an ongoing conversation but please feel free to contribute. You are the expert in what has worked for you and what you are living with. We want to hear about it, and these wonderful discussions are only ever richer for what you can add. There are a few tips for this section of the Forums that might be helpful Have a good read. These are long and in-depth conversations so before you step in, have a read of a few posts to get a sense of the space. It is not a great spot for New Topics. Replies are very welcome, but if you want to start something fresh try another section of the Forums. Thanks for your understanding, we want to hear what you think of these conversations and look forward to your contributions. Thanks Beyond Blue

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Clues_Of_Blue Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
  • replies: 2300

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances... View more

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping). Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today. I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

Kazzl This bipolar life
  • replies: 11131

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are. Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wro... View more

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are. Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live. Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play. Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage. Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide. Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die. I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people! Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium. So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves. I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here. BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay! Love Kaz

Unbeliever Is depression a natural reaction to an insane world?
  • replies: 254

This is a thought I have been pondering for a while. The default to view depression as "something wrong", or a "brain chemical imbalance" or as "a disease" or something that "needs to be fixed" or requires "medication" or "therapy" appears to be the ... View more

This is a thought I have been pondering for a while. The default to view depression as "something wrong", or a "brain chemical imbalance" or as "a disease" or something that "needs to be fixed" or requires "medication" or "therapy" appears to be the most common response of practically everyone. From doctors, to psychiatrists, to therapists, to the general population, to the depressed individuals themselves... the universal belief appears to be that "the person needs to get help". But what if... the living in depressed state is correct? What if it isn't an "imbalance" or isn't something "wrong"? What if being depressed is the only natural state to be in for an intelligent, empathetic, compassionate, informed, thinking individual to exist in the current state of our world? What if to NOT be depressed about is the true indication of mental sickness? I'm not saying that being depressed is fun in any way... most people on this forum would be well aware that it sucks. But that is not what I'm saying. What I mean is... could existing in a state of depression be completely natural for someone living in a place where so many things are obviously terrible... both on a personal level and in the world as a whole? My reasons for this perspective are numerous. Far too many to write in only 2500 words. But basically... The real world is an extremely depressing place for any person that cares at all about anything outside of themselves. Eg. If you care about animals... the reality is many beautiful species are already lost forever, many others are so close to the verge of extinction that even if everyone worldwide decided to do everything they could to save them... they would still be lost. At home there are people that still buy people animals as christmas gifts, refuse to desex their pets, the massive amount of pets put down in pounds annually. There is backyard animal cruelty, the dog racing industry using live bait, shooting race horses with legs, women's hormonal treatments for menapause, the meat industry, birds choking on our plastic half a world away, overfishing. The list goes on and on. It is reality and it is depressing. Care about animals and feeling "depressed" about it IS correct. And that is one tiny subject in a plethora of subjects. 3 billion people in starving poverty, the water wars, religious fanatics, corrupt governments, womens rights violations, slavery, wars, child rape, etc etc It's the people that are not depressed that worry me.

CMF Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
  • replies: 5521

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days... View more

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks: Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up; Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career. Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby How i feel now: Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year? If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick. Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy? I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options. I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children. I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to. Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore. I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have. Thanks for reading cmf x

Ggrand Alone..Depressed..Sad..
  • replies: 5779

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my o... View more

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

Matchy69 how do i stop crying
  • replies: 819

I feel so alone,i dont have many friends or anyone who wants to know what i am going through.I just find my self just breaking down and crying.I just want some one to listen and not to judge me.

I feel so alone,i dont have many friends or anyone who wants to know what i am going through.I just find my self just breaking down and crying.I just want some one to listen and not to judge me.

Fadinghope I am unwell, will I ever get better and a mistake made has triggered a daily rumination
  • replies: 3

I am 52 and I have been unwell for the past 10 years. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD but essentially I believe it is a form of perimenopausal extreme anxiety (intrusive thoughts). This results in a daily visceral sensation of complete fear. Fo... View more

I am 52 and I have been unwell for the past 10 years. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD but essentially I believe it is a form of perimenopausal extreme anxiety (intrusive thoughts). This results in a daily visceral sensation of complete fear. For the past 10 years. I am a single mother with 2 teenage daughters. I have tried multiple therapies and medications. I've have just discovered I have a life long endocrine condition which is associated with severe MH and severe physical health issues. Most people with this condition are sub employed (sorry horrible term, but its effective in describing it). I am now on daily injections (just started) . Over the past 10 years I have left an abusive marriage, experienced post separation abuse. All whilst running a successful business helping others. This work was a distraction and was the only time I felt free-ish from the symptoms. I used to value this work. This past year I discovered an administrative error in my business. I had missed a renewal (and a third entity had also missed it) which resulted in me needing to take steps to address the issue. This was not a reflection of my direct work with people. Just the admin side. I was already unwell and exhausted when this discovery was made. So I became even more unwell in that period. This whole experience has completely obliterated any sense of self I was desperately holding onto. It has also triggered a remembrance of mistakes Ive made with people in the past - there are two - where I let people down in a friendship for example. I can not shake the intrusive thoughts and rumination. And the associated sense fear and terror. It's quite extreme and not rational. I appreciate that many would say "gosh you were going through so much, of course you missed the renewal, especially with the ADHD, trauma and now we know the illness was there as well (this illness impacts my energy and cognitive function such as memory) " however for some reason this kinder approach simply doesn't penetrate my consciousness. Also people, have said "You are so honest, many would find that error and not do anything about it" Not me. I am honest and it was imperative that I addressed it. I could not stand t not address it. My intrusive thoughts include; 1. Have I missed something that will come at me from left of field again. (I had NO IDEA this was festering as a problem? I have done my best to put in place greater procedures etc now. But I can't shake the sensation that something else is coming. 2. I am going to stop working on this field. I have been wanting to do so for many years however I could not as it was my main source of income. I have capacity now to take moment and find another way to earn an income. I worry though that people will think "Oh she left when she made that bad error." - insert feelings of shame. Also am I ever going to be well enough to work again. (I have no choice at this stage) 3. Will I ever get better? 4. How do I live with the feelings of guilt and remorse that are disproportionate to what's happened.

crumbly_rain I feel like my depression will never get better
  • replies: 4

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for years now and it never seems to get better. everytime I start new meds I feel better for like a week and then it's back to it. I know that's how meds work but it's still frustrating to get a taste ... View more

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for years now and it never seems to get better. everytime I start new meds I feel better for like a week and then it's back to it. I know that's how meds work but it's still frustrating to get a taste of what my life could be like. I've done therapy and counselling and all that but I can never make myself believe I'll get better, which is probably why they don't work. I think about suicide all the time but I feel like my depression isn't bad enough to make me actually do it. I sometimes wish my life would get worse so I could finally get it over with. even when my depression isn't as bad as usual I still feel like I'm just pushing back my inevitable suicide. like no matter what I do it'll eventually happen and I'm just prolonging it. because I feel like I'll never get better, I spend all my time hoping I'll just die. even if I do get better, I'll probably never be "normal" so it's hard to even care. I've heard of being passively suicidal but I feel like this might be more than that idk tho.

james-i Planning on driving a car with ASD
  • replies: 4

Hey,It's James here (now 20 turning 21 this year) with ASDI'm planning on saving money to buy my car so I can drive it only on a farm (with no public access) with my support personIf your any questions please askThanks

Hey,It's James here (now 20 turning 21 this year) with ASDI'm planning on saving money to buy my car so I can drive it only on a farm (with no public access) with my support personIf your any questions please askThanks

July Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration
  • replies: 572

Hi, I am new to this but need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole ex... View more

Hi, I am new to this but need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.