Losing the ability to express emotion and unsure if I am being mistreated

[mangotarts]

Hi everyone, sort of just on here trying to figure out what on earth is wrong with me because I've seen no one else with this issue when I put the search in.

I'm a bit confused about how to begin to find the answer to this, but I've found for the last 5 or 6 years that I cannot cry even though I feel such a deep need to let something out. When I was 11 I had my parents split and I didn't really get the support needed from either of them to understand why or to make my way through the sadness/confusion someone that young would with an event such as that, and I was often put into the place where I had to take care of my mum if she was sad about the topic. This led to my mum leaving home and coming home late as she was with her partner who replaced my dad, and with my mum out wherever she was, my dad was left to care for us at home until the divorce was finalised and he found a new place to stay. I turned to a various array of substances and snuck out every night to use them because it helped me ignore the thoughts on whether my mum did or didn't like being around me. A few months after I began moving towards stronger drugs I tried to take my own life and since then nothing has been the same at all, the aftermath of that was a long period of complete numbness and I stopped seeing any colour inside of the world somehow. My attempt has given me issues with a medication I take to help me sleep as the feeling it provides is identical to how I felt as my life was drifting away. Nobody knew that I tried to leave and I don't think I'll ever tell my parents just because I don't want to hurt them. The main issue I have now that my colour and emotions have come back is sometimes I don't feel present or real and I haven't been able to cry or feel much since then. In the 6 years since my attempt, I haven't found any way to release any anger or sadness I feel from just day-to-day life or issues and its finally gotten to the point that I cant take it so I would appreciate answers on why I cant get any of it out of my system. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Guest,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums,

I’m deeply sorry that your feeling that way, I can relate to your feelings of being emotionless, it happened to me for many times through my life, as a child with uncaring and unloving parents with what is now called child abuse, again through my marriage which was a DV situation…and it still does at times….I feel nothing through these times…no anger at being abused, no sadness, no happiness although I did feel fear a lot….which is still my most dominant emotion….

It’s hard to explain, I suppose the best way to explain it is, I was alive in body but dead in my soul and spirit….I had been crushed to much…each day I would do what I had to do, without any feelings at all…completely numb…a couple of years after my husband passed away, some of my emotions came back so strong that I couldn’t understand them and I didn’t know how to cope with them because it was something that I hadn’t experienced for so many years..?I tried to end my life…

I was admitted to a mental health rehabilitation hospital for nearly 6 weeks, while there I had intense counselling with a couple of psychiatrist and they explained to me that to protect myself, my brain had suppressed all my emotions….after being discharged from the hospital, I was still under there care and had psychological help for a few more years…because certain things can trigger me back to DV and my childhood trauma, I needed ways to manage them…I lost one of my fur babies a few months back, then a few friends passed away….and having issues in my volunteer role has triggered me into a dark depression and once again I feel numb….no happiness at all…but plenty of fear and sadness…unfortunately I cannot get counselling right now….so I’m trying to cope with what I was taught while I was in hospital…which is hard to do, living on my own…

I’m wondering if you have or if you if you are able to..to reach out to your Dr. and talk to them about how you’re feeling and get a mental health care plan set up for you with professionals to help you through and help you to understand and teach you ways to help manage what you’ve been going through emotionally for the past 6 years…

Not sure if I have helped you at all, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone with what you are feeling…and to give you a very gentle and caring hug…

Thinking of you with kindness and care dear Guest..

Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear mangotarts and wave to dear Grandy,

I don’t know if this will help mangotarts, but over the past 2 and a half years I’ve been working with a really good psychologist who is sensitive to trauma. Just through her witnessing my experiences and being present with me, emotions that had been trapped in me for decades are now finally coming out. I’m still in process with it, but gradually I’m letting go of stuff that’s been trapped for a very long time. She’ll help me to connect with what I’m feeling in my body which can bring up an emotion, but this is all done in a really gentle, titrated way so as not to overwhelm the nervous system. Like Grandy described, you don’t want to get flooded with emotions that are too much to handle. I have found working with a psychologist who is gentle and sensitive to these things, it has provided a safe container for these emotions to come out. One day I just broke down and cried in her presence and I’ve just never done that before. I’ve always put a brave face onto the world no matter what’s happening inside. But it was very helpful to have someone just be with me while I cried and supporting me. So I just mention that in case it helps. It is really important to find the right person to work with though so it’s worth taking time to do that if you go down that path.

I imagine it is very hard living with what you’ve been through including the attempt but not having others know so they don’t know what you’ve been through. It’s really good you have reached out here. As far as anger goes, I’ve had anger finally start to come up and out of me. I’ve been yelling in the car, but obviously take care of you do this. I live in the country and can yell away on country roads. I’ve said/yelled to people exactly what I think of them in the car (people who have been abusive including family) and it did release stuff from inside of me. For decades I thought I wasn’t angry, but it was there and it’s getting released now. I also couldn’t cry for two years after a trauma and loss in my late teenage years, so I know how it can feel being trapped in that place. But emotions can unfreeze and start to move again. It’s just important to go very gently and have much tenderness and kindness towards yourself in the process.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray