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Chris_B PLEASE READ: What this forum is for (trigger warning advisory)
  • replies: 2

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other to... View more

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other topic sections, and have migrated here once reaching the milestone of 100 posts in order to allow members to keep following the life story being shared as it happens day to day. This is not a place to start new threads - discussions here have reached a sufficient level of popularity and depth that they have been moved here by moderators. Long-term support here on the forums is defined in terms of receiving that support here in this space, which is why we have chosen the 100-post milestone to select threads that will appear here. Our research tells us that 55% of our members have been living with a mental health condition for ten years or more, so long-term support in the real world will not be a strange concept to many of you. If you're seeking long-term support on your journey, we'd encourage you to start a new thread in the section that best suits where you are at this point. Making a commitment to daily posting and supporting others will eventually see your thread join the wonderful stories here in this section. A few important points to note: 1. The "new thread" button has been disabled for this section - if you click on it, you will be redirected to the beyondblue home page. 2. Please be aware that threads in this section may contain discussion of suicide, self-harm, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and other trauma-related topics. 3. Threads in this section may be archived periodically (locked or unpublished) at the discretion of moderators.

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Clues_Of_Blue Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
  • replies: 2044

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances... View more

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping). Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today. I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

quirkywords Do you second guess all your choices and decisions.9
  • replies: 3

I find I second guess all my decisions as I seem to have lost my confidence. if you can make decisions easily how do you do it. In my past I have made many poor decisions so I now second guess each one.

I find I second guess all my decisions as I seem to have lost my confidence. if you can make decisions easily how do you do it. In my past I have made many poor decisions so I now second guess each one.

demonblaster Surviving: Being in a better place
  • replies: 4856

Hi all Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now. In a better place. I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46. The ups (m... View more

Hi all Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now. In a better place. I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46. The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways. The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be. Have come an incredibly long way so far. Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps. SO many good times, happy times between. The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia. My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times. You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival. Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too. Rock bottom. The pits. I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way. Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way. Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield. Great loving good parents lucky If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted. BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same. I know that now.

Music_Freak I'm really trying to feel better about myself
  • replies: 1720

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now... I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc. My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only pe... View more

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now... I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc. My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me" My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!! I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

Loop__ 2022 was supposed to be a great year!
  • replies: 6

I'm 30 and I was still working minimum wage as a barista and when 2022 happened I was offered job that was suppose to pay over 6 figures. 3 months went by and my team leader told me commissions will come. 4 months and he apologised it was taking so l... View more

I'm 30 and I was still working minimum wage as a barista and when 2022 happened I was offered job that was suppose to pay over 6 figures. 3 months went by and my team leader told me commissions will come. 4 months and he apologised it was taking so long. Basically by 5 months my boss my not happy to wait because the business was relying my my teams commissions to our side of the business running. I lost my job for the first time ever through a very messy communication process which was basically nothing to do with my performance. A month after I lost my job I was stressing out because money was really low and I didn't know how I was going to pay for rent and food. I did apply for jobseeker but they messed me around and it took 2 months to process and in that time I had to borrow money off of my mum. I went back to my barista job and all was going well after that until the end of November I get caught driving with my car registration cancelled. I didn't know there was a 3 months limit on not registering your car. I also borrowed money off my mum again to help register my car. Ended up having to pay 1.2k which she paid over half of that. So come December, it was going well because I was no longer stressing about driving an unregistered car. 2 weeks before Christmas I get covid for the first time and the first 4 days was very painful. Fast track to this week, my landlord rings and says I have 10 weeks of rent missing and is say she might evict me if I don't pay by 13th January. This time I'm really stressing because it's the most I ever been in debt for and I don't think I can approach my mum for the third time. FYI, I don't get along with my family. My mum is the only one I still talk to and even then she gets very angry whenever I ask her for help. I had to keep the details short because of the character limit.

tmas Illness, malaise, and trying not to disappoint others
  • replies: 2

Long story short, I got long covid after my second bout 5 full moths ago. The experience of being sick was itself terrifying, I had a few days of being unable to move my limbs, sciatic pain, and for a day or two couldn't even speak and struggled to b... View more

Long story short, I got long covid after my second bout 5 full moths ago. The experience of being sick was itself terrifying, I had a few days of being unable to move my limbs, sciatic pain, and for a day or two couldn't even speak and struggled to breathe. I felt like I was wading through sand, and wasn't physically able to ask for help when I needed it. I just looked like I was sleeping it off from the outer. I honestly think I had some sort of post traumatic response to this, I'm still trying to move through it and it hasn't been a good last week or two. I'm over the worst of the debilitating fatigue, but I still have a host of weird bodily pains and symptoms that interfere with my daily life. My partner, who nursed me through the illness and is generally just the most beautiful person, had a lot of trouble understanding what fatigue is as he's never seen it before and didn't realise the extent of my illness because I'd hidden it. My problem is that when I feel malaise, I try to hide it to not be a burden. I've made progress unlearning this since moving in with my partner but it's hard wired. I start to observe him interacting with my behaviour, and the dissociated feeling eats at me. I feel like a disappointment. I try to push through and act fine, but he can obviously see through it and before we discussed this openly he interpreted the detachment as disinterest or withdrawal from him on my part. I have OCD, in my teens it was severe enough for several hospitalisations, something else that has followed me. I had health obsessions, complicated by the fact I have an autoimmune disease. I started having panic attacks again in the last few months, I was brushing off the "minor" ones but I had a full blown hyperventilating one a week ago after I got in my head about something and it terrified me. I have body pains that are pretty constant, but sometimes quite acute. Today my neck went into spasm so I couldn't join in with family - he was very worried obviously so I downplayed it, and then I could tell he was disappointed. He suggested just resting at their house, but I know my pain would have gotten worse if I tried to go. I don't know how to handle this feeling that I'm failing those I love when I'm so overwhelmed by the discomfort I constantly have moving through my body. Just looking for some wise words.

Tally-Ho Wife doesnt care if i get off
  • replies: 2

Our sex life almost doesn't exist except for when my wife wants it and even then, it is how she wants it and my wants and need don't come into the equation.. to the point that that once she gets off she doesn't care if I do or not and is not interest... View more

Our sex life almost doesn't exist except for when my wife wants it and even then, it is how she wants it and my wants and need don't come into the equation.. to the point that that once she gets off she doesn't care if I do or not and is not interested in helping me out... this just destroys me to the point that my depression goes off the charts and I'm just consumed with anxiety.....We have talked about is and it makes no difference at all.... she has talked about her sex life previously and the things she has done, but won't do any of these with me and this just cuts through my heart and I generally feel broken and overwhelmed with sadness and self hate..... I'm at a loss with it all and can't sleep, and am always just angry with the world.... I constantly have thoughts and very vivid bad dreams of her doingall these things with othe guys and her just telling me no you can't .. It's in my head 24/7.......How do I get over all this .......I'm just broken in side.

Hanna3 Anyone had to spend days alone without anyone to talk to?
  • replies: 3068

Hi all, apart from here and a brief visit to church last night (to make it feel Christmassy and to just be with people) I've had day after day for weeks now with nobody at all to talk to. This time of year especially it's really depressing. Old frien... View more

Hi all, apart from here and a brief visit to church last night (to make it feel Christmassy and to just be with people) I've had day after day for weeks now with nobody at all to talk to. This time of year especially it's really depressing. Old friends that live far away are gradually losing contact with me - I ring them but they don't ring me. I understand they're busy with their live elsewhere but still it's hard when you're lonely. I'm going to a Christmas Eve service at the local church tomorrow night to at least be with people for a little while... but otherwise all day I'm alone, just me and the dog. Sometimes I strike up a conversation on BB but then the other person disappears and that's the end of that... How are people meant to cope with prolonged periods of social isolation? I read, I watch DVDs, normally I'd go for long walks with the dog but thick smoke from bushfires and intense hot weather have stopped that. I go to a café alone sometimes. Any ideas/help?

hyacinth1 reading quotes.
  • replies: 2

i just want to share a motivation quote with you. ( just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending. she became a butterfly. )

i just want to share a motivation quote with you. ( just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending. she became a butterfly. )

Tonstar Over it at 41
  • replies: 3

So I’ve managed to make it to 41 yrs old and have a wife and two beautiful kids 4 + 6 years old . The last 4 years have been horrible as far as my mental health is concerned. I managed to learn for myself that I wasn’t doing well at all so I took my ... View more

So I’ve managed to make it to 41 yrs old and have a wife and two beautiful kids 4 + 6 years old . The last 4 years have been horrible as far as my mental health is concerned. I managed to learn for myself that I wasn’t doing well at all so I took my self to the doctor and started to talk about things with a councillor.This helped me get through the coming years by making me aware of the anxiety and depression within my self. I feel that the tools I was given really helped me but certainly far from fixing me. 2 years ago unfortunately things escalated so I looked further into my mental health and was referred to a psychologist and he diagnosed me with adhd at 39 years old, so it was time to start that journey. Over a 12 month period I had regular Skype appointments which were about 300 dollars a pop, also I slowly went onto a meds programme which by memory I got to a stage of increasing the dosage, I hated them as they gave me shakes and chills and felt no benefits mentally. With that I told the doctor and I was taken off them and that was that. Since then I have been trying my hardest to continue with the tools that I had learnt along the way. Along with struggling with this and having a young family and constantly arguing with my wife I have found it hard to work a full time job and or continue being self employed. My relationship with my wife is ruined to this point but we are still together for the kids and live in the same house but we do have completely different bank accounts and as financially separated as possible as far as married couple with a mortgage can be. Two months ago I was working and unfortunately sprained my ankle badly haven’t been able to bring in any money for my income. My ankle is feeling better now but my bloody mental health has gone. I really want to take this time to try and sort my head out to try and avoid this from happening again. I’m completely broke now and have no choice but to get back to work. I cannot get Centrelink benefits due to my wife higher income. I really felt that I had an idea which was to access my super to get me through this tough time as I never touched it through out the pandemic. I have no chance for this to happen which I think is disgraceful. Shame on the government for being so strict and no shits given towards individuals mental health until it’s too late. I will be dead and my super will mean nothing. What do I do next because I’m just about done 🤦‍