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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Mrd74 Hard roads and winding paths
  • replies: 3

Hi, my journey up to this point has been difficult, I bare the mental scars of all my negative experiences those of so many people throughout my life. The abuse was physical, verbal, psychological, sexual and narcissistic both during childhood and in... View more

Hi, my journey up to this point has been difficult, I bare the mental scars of all my negative experiences those of so many people throughout my life. The abuse was physical, verbal, psychological, sexual and narcissistic both during childhood and in adulthood on top of being a long serving veteran. now at 50 I suffer from severe CPTSD with psychosis and everyday is hard for me to function, I rarely leave my apartment, I feel stigmatized by the way I look and feel in public my professional career is ruined, no family, only a one long distant friend, repeated hospitalization. I've always a kind, giving, empathetic person and as soon as I got sick everyone turned their backs on me. I blamed myself for a long time for how I've been treated but It simply isn't all my fault. Life shouldn't be this traumatic or lonely, I don't give up but this has been a hard path to walk and the bad far outweighs the good

Rowen13 Narcissistic Mum
  • replies: 5

I have recently turned 50 and have been a carer for my narcissistic mum. She uses all the usual tricks, gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolating me, sabotaging etc.My mental health has spiralled and after being a carer for 10 years, I feel depressed, anx... View more

I have recently turned 50 and have been a carer for my narcissistic mum. She uses all the usual tricks, gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolating me, sabotaging etc.My mental health has spiralled and after being a carer for 10 years, I feel depressed, anxious and suicidal. I suffer from childhood PTSD with physical and emotional abuse. We were also often starved as children and were never provided a stable loving or nurturing environment.She is now 82, has two brain tumours and has fallen and hit her head twice. But after being repeatedly verbally abused in front of doctors and nurses, I broke down. I can't continue and often feel like the only way to be free is to take my life.I am on a carer's payment so I take the abuse because I am scared of being homeless. I have no husband and was unable to have children. I have had a case manager assigned to me as I spiral further into my depression and suicidal ideation.I have told her I can no longer be her carer, she is trying to guilt me. I have no self esteem and feel guilty for leaving my mum in the hospital. I have no support network, no friends, no income and feel so isolated and desolate. My life has passed and I my body goes in to panic mode as I am continually traumatised by her abuse. I feel so much shame and lost in life. I have no idea what to do, I will soon be homeless and I will be unable to make car repayments. I'm a scared little child at 50 years old and I long to close my eyes and never wake up. I wish I was never born. My depression and GAD has made me in to a coward and I am worthless.

Caity88 My partner struggles with alcohol and its adversely affected our relationship. It's left me feeling
  • replies: 5

I'm not sure if this falls under trauma or depression but the entire time I have been with my partner he has suffered from alcoholism. It has caused our family a lot of pain over the 5 years we have been together. We share a 2 year old and i am left ... View more

I'm not sure if this falls under trauma or depression but the entire time I have been with my partner he has suffered from alcoholism. It has caused our family a lot of pain over the 5 years we have been together. We share a 2 year old and i am left to care for him alone as my partner works away and when he's home he is unreliable and is intoxicated or hungover. He forgets he has a family when he's drinking and it makes me feel very unloved. There's obviously so much more to this story but I guess I'm just wondering if I left the relationship would I be better able to help myself heal and get better? Or am I depressed because that's just who I am and am I just trying to blame it on him?

Jensone Near death resuscitate
  • replies: 3

In December 2024 i was visiting a friend and he collapsed in front of me,in my state of panic dialled 000 and was talked through into applying CPR for a total of 7 minutes…. i was on the phone line after checked my call log before a team of ambos arr... View more

In December 2024 i was visiting a friend and he collapsed in front of me,in my state of panic dialled 000 and was talked through into applying CPR for a total of 7 minutes…. i was on the phone line after checked my call log before a team of ambos arrived to continue to resuscitate.They worked on him for 40 minutes and unable to find a pulse and was given worse case scenario due to no heartbeat.They ambos continued whilst transferring him to hospital 3 minutes away with me fearing the worst.Arriving at emergency myself was told not to expect any miracles or his organs will shut down,brain damage etc etc after taking in the enormity of what had happened I’d braced myself that he was going to die.Over the course of the next week in a self induced coma he continued to improve and low and behold he regained consciousness and had a defibrillator fitted by day 13 and not long term side affects It continues to weigh on me that i actually helped saved his life and i have moments of what ifs and it seems surreal that he actually survived after i was told there was no hope just wondering if anyone else has had this happen and the after affects that one carries after witnessing the near death experience of losing someone

Survive- Seeking support groups in Melbourne south east
  • replies: 2

Hi all. Was watching channel 9 “my wife my abuser” and it struck a nerve and I found myself feeling sad for the abuse I took physical , mental and emotional. 16 years in a relationship marriage being berated for the smallest things ie hanging a tea t... View more

Hi all. Was watching channel 9 “my wife my abuser” and it struck a nerve and I found myself feeling sad for the abuse I took physical , mental and emotional. 16 years in a relationship marriage being berated for the smallest things ie hanging a tea towel slightly uneven. I can’t perform a diagnosis of my ex wife but it looks like the text book narcissistic behaviour. I found myself fully functional at a in charge level of one of Australias largest companies to coming home and being a mouse of a man . We have been separated for 9 years now and there was the classic text harassment and denying visitation of a child. What I’m looking for is does anyone know of a narcissistic survivor group or similar in the south east of Melbourne. I’ve tried one on one counseling and didn’t find it helpful apart from the sharing my story. Seeking a survivor group. thanks

RedDragon My Behaviours ?
  • replies: 5

Does anyone else think “ I better do this even if I don’t want to -it won’t kill me “ I better do more than expected to make someone else happy or life easier Take blame for anything and everything that goes wrong for someone else. Not talk about per... View more

Does anyone else think “ I better do this even if I don’t want to -it won’t kill me “ I better do more than expected to make someone else happy or life easier Take blame for anything and everything that goes wrong for someone else. Not talk about personal shame and stress or when boundaries are over stepped as there is a fear someone might get upset or offended or judge and leave. I will do what ever I can to make sure others are first - offer the last choc even I I really want it. Give up something nice I have because they like it too. Give give give then I expect a little back hope others would be kind back. am I alone here ? is the stem of behaviour come from a selfish mother ? Can I change the habits and make new boundaries and learn to be honest with out fear of irrational thoughts of abandonment ? thanks for reading.

Abby2 Is this sexual assault or regret
  • replies: 5

Before I continue with the incident I’d like to note that I have a partner. I’ve also been raped manny years ago and still struggle with that trauma I have a friend who has a partner who for 6 months have been trying to engage in a threesome with me,... View more

Before I continue with the incident I’d like to note that I have a partner. I’ve also been raped manny years ago and still struggle with that trauma I have a friend who has a partner who for 6 months have been trying to engage in a threesome with me, I have repeatedly mentioned how uncomfortable this makes me and sometimes I’ve had to leave their house because of how pushy they become. It’d had been awhile since they had brought it up so I thought the fantasy was over. Well recently I was drinking at their house and they offered me some type of drug I’d never had, my friend kept getting me to sit on her bed and her and her boyfriend would get closer and closer eventually they started to take my clothes off and dressed me up in some outfit, I was so anxious and my friend just kept saying how happy this made her how long she’d been waiting for this and I just stayed quite, I didn’t move for the longest time I just let them do whatever they wanted, it went on for hours I at one point even made it seem like I was enjoying it, her and her boyfriend seemed to be enjoying it so much. I just didn’t say anything, I didn’t say no. infact at one point I just said to my friend you can do whatever with me I don’t care my friend finally said that she was done with me and I was so relived I got up got dressed and cried as I left. I tried to talk to my friend afterwords saying how uncomfortable I was and how I want to tell my partner. She’s now threatening that if I tell him that everyone will know that I’m a whore and everyone will know about what happened. But I don’t care what happens I feel so disgusting and I want to tell my partner. My question is, am I just regretting what had happened because I understand the pain it would cause my partner when I tell him or are these feelings of disgust and betrayal because of how my friend took advantage of me. I just need honest answers, I plan to talk to my partner regardless of my what my friend says, I try and pride myself on being a good honest person and I’ve never cheated or thought of cheating ever so my partner deserves to know

Cacciatore77 My story, wanting to understand.
  • replies: 7

Hello Beyond Blue,I hope we are all going great for new year. Im wanting to share my story, I'm trying to get the free councilling sessions from Victims services, but in the mean time I just want to be heard, I'm a 25 yr old male if that helps. Trigg... View more

Hello Beyond Blue,I hope we are all going great for new year. Im wanting to share my story, I'm trying to get the free councilling sessions from Victims services, but in the mean time I just want to be heard, I'm a 25 yr old male if that helps. Trigger warning: This involves DV and emotional/psychological abuse as a child. I'll try keep this short From as early as I can literally remember, my parents had a very rough relationship. I can't count how many times I watched my father beat the absolute fuck out of mum. We lived in a rural area with my grandparents in the nearest house across the paddock. From about 3, when the fighting started, I'd run over to their house screaming for them to help, and they'd go try break it up. My grandparents were my anchor at that time. Often I would cry to stay there because I was scared of the house. Id have this same nightmare over and over, and I'd dissociate heavily when my brain tried to ponder on my fears. So there was the DV, but another thing among others that fucked me up (this may make your stomach churn a little), when I was maybe 3-4, my father would sit me up on his PC, and show me extremely violent pictures and videos on an old website that any 90s/00s folks might remember. This pains me, as I feel my father stripped me of any innocence I had. I get teary thinking about it, what kind of grown man shows a child whos favourite passtime is Sesame Street and the Wiggles, pictures of people committing suicide and people being executed? The DV went on until I was about 5, my mother had more then enough, my baby brother was not long born. She feared one of them were going to end up killing each other, and I don't doubt her validity. After I was taken away by DOCs, for the remainder of my childhood I had to visit my father every fortnight. Nearly everytime I visited him, there was always something stuck up his arse. If it wasn't him driving my emotions into the ground, it was death threats on my mother, he'd tell me he'd kill her and any man she got with, any baby they would have together. The shit he would say and emotionally do to me is a plethora of absolute pathetic insecure dribble. I swear sometimes my father wanted me to fail, either that or he is a complete moron that thought he was trying to toughen me up, which just did the opposite. It went on up until I was maybe 13 when I started giving shit back to him, once I got older he calmed down a lot, he realised he couldn't control me anymore so he just gave up. Our relationship has been pretty good over the years, but a number of times we got into punch ups and arguments when we were drinking. I guess that was just me finally releasing all of my pain for him to see. But, some people you just can't change, he even laughed at me one time while I balled my eyes out screaming at him. But besides all that, most of my childhood was good, you always have to remember the bright side. I had pretty bad anxiety throughout highschool, I found socialising extremely difficult. But I'm not bothered about it because I know most people don't go through what some do, so I take it with stride. A lot of things resurfaces when my mothers partner, who was a paramedic, spiralled into a state of Fentanyl addiction and PTSD. It started back up when he locked himself in the bathroom one day and tried to kill himself by OD. I went into adrenaline mode and started CPR, I watched the life just drain out of his body, it was complete insanity. After that, a lot of memories and feelings from my childhood resurfaced, I started having the same nightmare I had as a kid again. Months after just before I was to finish yr 12, my girlfriend at the time who was my rock, broke up with me, and that really fucked me up even further. I quit school and wallowd in depression, but not long after, my ex step dad accidentally set the house on fire an we lost everything. Honestly, when it was happening I just dissociated again, the loss didn't really hit me as hard as my mother. I've tried to keep everything short, theres a lot more I could talk about, but thats the bulk of it. Just wanting somebody to read my story, and maybe help me out a little. At the moment I'm struck with Anxiety and Agoraphobia, dunno if I suffer anything else but I for sure am pretty emotionally dysregulated. Thank you a lot of you read this for me, you don't have to reply but I'm cool with any input anyone has.

miniforever I have so many regrets
  • replies: 6

I’ll get straight to the point. My father was a very unintentionally charming man and everyone who’d been in his company found him funny and charismatic. What they didn’t know was he had a temper and aggressive streak. Both my mum and I had been the ... View more

I’ll get straight to the point. My father was a very unintentionally charming man and everyone who’d been in his company found him funny and charismatic. What they didn’t know was he had a temper and aggressive streak. Both my mum and I had been the targets of his fists. My poor mum also had to suffer the wrath of her father. I still to this day (in my mind), see my father physically assaulting my mum. I have red marks and bruises all over me going to school. Back in those times, nobody looked at these issues. Mum used to blame me for being beaten up by my father. I left and ran far far away being independent for my whole life. Until I met my partner. I foolishly thought I’d met someone who genuinely loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Then the nightmare from my childhood returns in the form of my partner. He was lovely and sweet before the kids came along. Then like a switch, he became this person who is not like the one I was with before kids. He became more aggressive and critical. He doesn’t like being asked questions (questions=attack on him). We used to mark appointments on calendars so we wouldn’t double book. He stopped, citing it was none of my business, or he told me weeks ago so why couldn’t I remember. I didn’t want to have a child until I get a new job and settled in. But he told me time is of the essence and we needed to try soon. I asked, what if I couldn’t get a job after having kids? He told me not to worry as he would take care of all of us. Then it started. Like a switch. I had a horrible birth experience and needed a lot of support. He told me women have babies all the time and I should just move on. I said I couldn’t go through it again for a second child. He laughed of course we were having a second child! Yes I agree with you if you’re reading this. I am stupid. I trusted him and loved him. So I gave him a second child. When second child was 4 months old, he assaulted me and tried to call the police to falsely report I endangered my children. Why did he hit me? I told him we shouldn’t let our 3.5 year old climb all over tables disturbing patrons at the restaurant and not to let him run across the carpark. He told me his parents tried to control what he did and that now I was doing the same to our kids (3.5y and 4mths). I was shocked. He wanted to sell up everything so he could go hide away and we had to fend for ourselves. He rushed back during lunch next day and gave me a hug (I think it was more to check I hadn’t taken the kids away). So that has given him the license to do it again. My childhood nightmare continues. Why am I so stupid? Why didn’t I run away? Why did I have the babies. Now I’m scared, trapped and hopeless. He made a false report on me that I attacked me when the marks were from me defending myself. The police gave him a lot of assistance as to what to do with me. Now, if he doesn’t like something I say or when I disagree with him, he said he would call the police to tell them he doesn’t feel safe because I’m crazy. I feel utterly hopeless and worthless that I’d gotten myself in such a situation.

Guest_41598496 No one believes I was sexually assaulted
  • replies: 1

I was sexually assaulted 3 times by a mutual friend. Every occasion I felt weak and said no but I froze and let it happen. I tried to defer him away because I was so uncomfortable but he kept going. I opened up to my friends but since we are all in t... View more

I was sexually assaulted 3 times by a mutual friend. Every occasion I felt weak and said no but I froze and let it happen. I tried to defer him away because I was so uncomfortable but he kept going. I opened up to my friends but since we are all in the same social circle, the mutual friend has claimed he thought it was consensual. My friends have cut me off because of it. It makes me feel like I didn’t do enough to stop it. I don’t know exactly what he has said to them, but it makes me question if my story is even true. I second guess what happened and struggle to stay true to my story because I’m convinced I didn’t do enough to stop it and it was my fault. I don’t have any support friends anymore. All my friends have cut me off. My parents don’t know because I don’t want to stress them out. I am scared of reporting this to the police because it might cause more of a drift between me and my friends. I am also scared it’s going to get turned back on me again like it was my fault. I have started anti depressants and struggling to cope with the anxiety that I get in the first weeks of beginning SSRI’s. I don’t know who else to talk to.