Spiraling out of control

Rach28

Hi everyone. So im really struggling right now in my life. I feel like im stuck in a dark deep hole in the dark and I feel so alone. Context: I suffer PTSD and have suffered multiple terrible trauma experiences.

I just feel so broken. I dont know what to do. I have no life direction and all my triggers are on high alert. I also struggle with anxiety/ depression which has become more severe recently due to triggers that are related to my trauma. I just feel like anytime I try to do something and put all my effort in, im always disappointed. I always end up getting rejected, hurt, or getting my hand burnt (hypothetically not literally). I just feel like nothing good is going to happen in my life. I just feel like I am a broken human being. I feel like no employer will take me on if I want to apply for a job - im so messed up mental health wise plus I dont like being around people. I get triggered SO easily I cant control it.

I guess I am writing this post because I feel so alone right now in all of this. i dont know what decisions to make because right now avoidance is the best option for me. If I avoid making any life decision I'm not going to spiral more out of control. And right now my mental health is very delicate.

Plus I recently had a fight with a friend and I'm not talking to him. He's been a huge support system for me and I feel he doesnt understand my mental state right now given the stress of timing of the year also regarding traumatic events.

I just feel so alone and I want to never have to work again. I want to just be left in peace and deal with my broken version of myself after being sexually assaulted, abused by my ex and abused my family. I just dont know what to do.

Does anyone else understand what I am saying. I just would love to know that I'm not the only person struggling with PTSD, trauma and mental health.

I just want to curl in a ball and hide away from the world, in hopes that everyone will just leave me alone and allow me peace and quiet to figure out what the hell I am going to do with my life.

I'm scared of living after all the awful life events I've faced and survived. I'm scared of trying again.

Does anyone else relate? Id love to hear from you.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I'm 69yo with bipolar and other issues. I was diagnosed middle age so my life as a teen and young man was a roller coaster.

At 26yo I attended a motivation speech that changed my life. See- https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

So from that moment during any depression or mania I had, I'd wait until it began to move out of its cycle then put in place what I'd learned, things like-

Self praise
Hobbies and sports
Socialising

See- https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/m-p/149725

So essentially I had a mindset that had been implanted at that lecture of never give up, feed your mind and lavish my life with activities. I think you could be missing that motivation.

Motivation lectures are available as are books and internet reading. Unfortunately, it's probably the yelling, fist pumping delivery that branded my mind to shock me into the change from negative to positive thinking.

Another art is distracting yourself from worry and bleak intrusive thoughts. See-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

Finally, this forum exists because those with mental health issues cannot obtain the understanding from loved ones of an illness unseen. So we tend to flood them especially if they have a listening ear. Your friend is special, they've been supportive so you might consider some empathy there?. See-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/m-p...

I hope you're OK. Reply anytime.

TonyWK