Spiraling out of control

[Rach28]

Hi everyone. So im really struggling right now in my life. I feel like im stuck in a dark deep hole in the dark and I feel so alone. Context: I suffer PTSD and have suffered multiple terrible trauma experiences. 

I just feel so broken. I dont know what to do. I have no life direction and all my triggers are on high alert. I also struggle with anxiety/ depression which has become more severe recently due to triggers that are related to my trauma. I just feel like anytime I try to do something and put all my effort in, im always disappointed. I always end up getting rejected, hurt, or getting my hand burnt (hypothetically not literally). I just feel like nothing good is going to happen in my life. I just feel like I am a broken human being. I feel like no employer will take me on if I want to apply for a job - im so messed up mental health wise plus I dont like being around people. I get triggered SO easily I cant control it. 

I guess I am writing this post because I feel so alone right now in all of this. i dont know what decisions to make because right now avoidance is the best option for me. If I avoid making any life decision I'm not going to spiral more out of control. And right now my mental health is very delicate. 

Plus I recently had a fight with a friend and I'm not talking to him. He's been a huge support system for me and I feel he doesnt understand my mental state right now given the stress of timing of the year also regarding traumatic events. 

I just feel so alone and I want to never have to work again. I want to just be left in peace and deal with my broken version of myself after being sexually assaulted, abused by my ex and abused my family. I just dont know what to do. 

Does anyone else understand what I am saying. I just would love to know that I'm not the only person struggling with PTSD, trauma and mental health. 

I just want to curl in a ball and hide away from the world, in hopes that everyone will just leave me alone and allow me peace and quiet to figure out what the hell I am going to do with my life. 

I'm scared of living after all the awful life events I've faced and survived. I'm scared of trying again. 

Does anyone else relate? Id love to hear from you. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I'm 69yo with bipolar and other issues. I was diagnosed middle age so my life as a teen and young man was a roller coaster.

At 26yo I attended a motivation speech that changed my life. See- https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

So from that moment during any depression or mania I had, I'd wait until it began to move out of its cycle then put in place what I'd learned, things like- 

• Self praise
• Hobbies and sports
• Socialising

See- https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/m-p/149725

So essentially I had a mindset that had been implanted at that lecture of never give up, feed your mind and lavish my life with activities. I think you could be missing that motivation.

Motivation lectures are available as are books and internet reading. Unfortunately, it's probably the yelling, fist pumping delivery that branded my mind to shock me into the change from negative to positive thinking.

Another art is distracting yourself from worry and bleak intrusive  thoughts. See-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

Finally, this forum exists because those with mental health issues cannot obtain the understanding from loved ones of an illness unseen. So we tend to flood them especially if they have a listening ear. Your friend is special, they've been supportive so you might consider some empathy there?. See-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/m-p...

I hope you're OK. Reply anytime.

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rach28,

I know you’ve been going through a lot from your other posts and it sounds like all of those pressures combined with the recent fight with the friend is feeling just too much and has sent you spiralling. I do understand as I have spiralled also at times from total overwhelm. I can hear how much you need a break from everything and just the space to process and heal.

I know you are on your exemption at the moment and I wonder if you can find a way to really slow things down, go very gently and not try to solve everything about your future life right now. I have found creating peaceful moments in the present is one way I’ve have been able to create a more peaceful, stable future. I’ve been slowly learning to let go in the present and it’s when I do that that my system gets a chance to release and reset. As this happens, that’s when new ideas and possibilities come to me and I am less stuck. With PTSD we are so hypervigilant, clinging to anything to try to feel safe with the world always feeling precarious and potentially harmful. But I have found the more I can breathe and let go and not try to control for all the imagined harms in the world I think might happen, the more I find release and some measure of peace. From here life becomes more doable and realisable.

I don’t know if that resonates? I know it feels awful to be stuck and spiralling. I really had to learn to let go, which is the best way I can put it.

It may be that during this break you are on that part of what you need to do is curl up in a ball for a while. I certainly did plenty of that and I would say it was part of my recovery process. I have done somatic work with my psychologist and through that the ball I was in could begin to unfurl a bit, I might go back into it for a while, then it would do some more unfurling and so on. Basically my body needed to go into self-protection at various times and then emerge when it felt able. At one stage I broke out of it by jumping in my car and taking myself on a couple of road trips. It was partly terrifying for me to do that but I also was trying to break out of a chronic freeze response and it did really shift things up for me. I had to go gently with that due to health issues and felt very vulnerable starting out on the first journey, but just taking myself to different places was so therapeutic. I wonder is there something you can do in the next couple of months or so that really shifts you out of your current state? It doesn’t have to be travelling somewhere like I did, but it can be amazing how change alters how our mind is working and how we feel.

Those are just some thoughts anyway. Remember you can also still consider the DSP as well which I know you have thought about, if you feel you are really profoundly struggling with the PTSD and mental health. I just want to say that I have been on that desperate position you’ve been in and come out the other side. So I hope I can encourage you that that is possible and you can begin 

to regulate and heal and feel a lot better in life.

Take care,

ER

[Rach28]

HI ER. I hope you are well. 

Thanks for your response. It was really helpful. Right now I'm doing a bit better. The dark clouds that were consuming me have disappeared and not so heavy on my shoulders. However saying this its still here, and im doing my best to cope and manage my mental health during this time. I still have no motivation. 

I am considering applying for the DSP - but I'm hoping with an indepth conversation with my therapist I can get her thoughts. Because the thought of getting the paperwork for applying for the DSP. Plus no guarantee i will actually get a successful claim - its stressful and its the last thing I want to do. So yeah - I really have no idea what I am going to do. How am I going to survive to pay my rent and keep a roof over my head after this Centrelink job capacity period is ended. I have no idea! 

All I know is that right now I am avoiding all thoughts of studying and finding a job. Its the last thing I want to think about. I feel more calm and stable when I avoid these thoughts. 

I have alot of issues I need to unpack with my therapist mainly regarding complex trauma. 

I was trying to explain how i feel to an online friend and I said to him it feels like i have an invisible migraine and it wont go away ever. And I've been feeling this way for years. Its never ending. 

So yeah conclusion is - im scared and still have no clue what to do. 

I'm hoping and praying hard that I dont become homeless again because thats really scary. 

So hopefully is 6 months time I am either successful and getting DSP payment or something else. 

Right now I want to avoid all thoughts of stress and run away from it. Thats my coping approach and I dont care if anyone says its bad for me. Right now its working and I can function. As far as how i'll earn more income - great question. I wish I knew... 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rach28,

I'm glad you are doing a bit better. I'm guessing maybe the lack of motivation is connected with that feeling that you just need to rest from everything? You probably need just total rest for a while. There is nothing wrong with having a total rest. The world we live in is pretty crazy at times, the amount of pressure we feel under and the demands we keep having to respond to. Sometimes I think that, if you can, the most sane thing to do is to get off the merry-go-round and not do anything but simply just be for a while. When you feel your mental health being really tested, it is really important to allow yourself that space and find what is supportive for you as well.

Yes, an in depth conversation with your therapist about the DSP sounds like a good idea. If you apply you are exempt from obligations while it is being assessed. So if you put in an application you at least have a bit of a break then. There are processes for appeal if it doesn't get approved. You can also lodge another application at a later date, I think after a certain waiting period, if you prefer that option too. I did experience the application process as stressful, but I am also prone to stress and overwhelm. It worked out better than I expected.

Complex trauma is quite a journey. If it's any encouragement things are improving a lot for me in that regard. It was a very rough journey there for a while, but I'm really experiencing some healing now at quite a profound level. I used to carry pretty much permanent stress, like the invisible migraine you describe. That is now beginning to alleviate. I think you can eventually come into a space where you feel more centred and able to self-care with kindness too. That has been a really big learning thing for me - how to even be kind to myself. I have gradually opened to the love and kindness of others too. I have been so self-protective and defensive in my life which are typical complex trauma patterns, and those patterns are now breaking up and being replaced with a more peaceful way of being. So I hope that can give you some hope for the future.

Rest well and take care,

ER

[Rach28]

HI ER. Yes thats my lack of motivation is connected to my extreme mental exhaustion. My brain just needs permanent time out from everything to reboot and figure out how to organise my brain. and glad you understand my invisible migraine metaphor because thats how i feel 24/7 for the past 5+ years. Its hell! and as you said life is hard enough but add mental health issues ontop of it and you feel like your drowning on a daily basis due to the constant stress of being alive. 

Im glad you got onto the DSP. i wish i could just apply for it today and get it approved, then maybe i could just breathe alot easier and live a live without so much stress and worry. Not told to get a job, not told to study. I just want people to shut up you know - i want to make my own decisions. i know this is my trauma response and one that i am starting to discuss with my therapist. Its been years and years of multiple people, organisations and more telling me what to do with my life. Its extremely hard being treated this way for multiple years. Its caused my extreme mental exhaustion to be honest and its sucks! 

I dont know whats going to happen this year and how I will survive, but i do know that i have proof from my GP and two therapists that i do genuinely have a mental health disorder. I also have police event numbers as proof of several incidents that are associated with my PTSD/trauma issues. I have multiple claims/recognition payment requests and approved VS counselling as proof to say yes im seeking help. And thats valid reasons to why i am not im a mental state of mind to find employment for the past 5+ years. Yes this has been ongoing for multiple years. I've been on multiple medical exemption from Centrelink, plus moving around which caused alot of stress, and more. So effectively long story short - Centrelink has enough evidence and proof on their system plus access to my Medicare MyHealth files to see YES I am valid for DSP and just give me that payment to make my life easier. Its a stupid system you know and it shouldnt be put on the applicant to get all the paperwork when the government organisation has access to every private detail about our lives especially our health. 

Anyway thank you for your reply and support the past few months. it means alot. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rach28,

It sounds like you have a good case to put for the DSP with the evidence as well. The fact you’ve been through a few medical exemptions and been in the process of trying to get back into work for a while is potentially helpful too. It indicates you’ve been going through difficulty. It’s great you have the GP and psychs who can write the reports. You basically have to meet a certain number of points on the impairment tables as I remember it, which are viewable online. You don’t have to work that out, it’s assessed through the reports the practitioners provide. The process seems more intimidating than it actually is I found. I filled out the paper version first and then used that to do the online version where I uploaded the reports from my psych, GP and a letter from my employment agency as well. You can get help to lodge the application if you want to, such as through advocacy support organisations. I chose to do it myself, as my local advocacy body was giving me advice that contradicted info a health assessor from Centrelink had given me. I chose to listen directly to the Centrelink advice which made more sense to me. I think let your therapist know how you’re really feeling and hopefully you can come to a sense of whether it’s the best way forward for you right now to apply for the DSP.

See if you can really have a good rest at the moment and that should help give some perspective and clarity going forward.

Take care and all the best,

ER

[Rach28]

Hi ER,

I just wanted to update you. I've been annoyingly more stressed out as i recently connected with my Victims Services counsellor. I asked her for help and annoyingly she cant do anything. She recommended me to consider a temporary support program for women affected by psychological trauma that could "potentially" advocate for me to consider applying for the Centrelink DSP Payment. I had a look at the brochure and its a terrible option! Terrible! She also proceeded to use a "tone" with me when I was crying on the phone telling her about how stressed out I am right now dealing with Centrelink, and feeling pressured to find a job after my exemption of job capacity ends in September this year (5 months time) and also the idea of considering applying for the DSP. So in the end I just dont want her to be my counsellor anymore so in going to just disconnect and look around for a different one. Maybe they will do a better job of advocacy and support in helping me with my current circumstances. 

In regards to my mental health right now its declining. Im also struggling with grief as its been 1 year since rehoming my beloved pet rabbit. So its really hitting me extra hard ontop of my depression, anxiety and complex PTSD. I just have no idea what to do, no clue who to trust, and what services or organisations I can approach to listen to me and support me. I need serious help or my brain is going to explode. 

I cant even deal with thinking about the DSP payment application, the prospect of looking for a job or study. Or honestly anything that requires a big decision.My brain literally cant process it and goes into shut down mode. 

I'm not coping and I'm trying my best. But as of right now I want to shut the world out, curl up in a ball and hide under the blankets. And just shut everything out. I want complete silence and just to be left alone. 

I dont know what to do and I still have 5 months left Centrelink sends their sharks at me once again. 

So what do I do? Help! I dont know who to turn to for help. I am literally on a sinking boat and im prepared to drown as a result. So what do i do ER? What do i do? 

[white knight]

Hi

Good to see you're getting some support here already.

I'd like for you to introduce a plan B, if DSP isn't granted. Many years ago I was unemployed and looking for work. A friend advised that seeking to supplement my dole with a casual or part time job was, in the initial stages, better than seeking full time work. 

So if obliged to look for work, seek a job that provides around the income you can earn without losing your benefits, then you can study or train for a profession. 

Whatever you decide having a plan B, and C will prevent trauma upon any rejection. 

And be positive

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rach28 and wave to Tony,

Rach, I know it feels utterly overwhelming, but see if you can turn around the way your mind is currently working. At the moment you are hearing "I only have 5 months left". See if you can turn this into an opportunity - "I have the space of 5 months ahead of me without obligations to, first of all, stop and rest, and then gradually allow myself to reflect on some options and see a way forward."

When you are in a panicked state you cannot see options clearly and you cannot function at all. The first step is allowing yourself to unwind from the level of stress you are in. I know that can be easier said than done, at least initially, but as someone who has been severely stressed in my life I can say it is possible to develop a capacity to begin to let go of trying to control everything and create some space in which to breathe and ease the level of stress. Perhaps the very first step you can say to your counsellors is I really need some strategies for finding some rest and peace. One approach is to say the next month will be nothing but rest - not trying to plan or worry about the future, just total rest doing things you find peaceful.

I mainly mentioned the DSP as I can tell you are feeling at the end of your tether. My health had declined to a point that I felt I had to apply, during which I had to deal with the possibility it could be rejected. I was fortunate it got through. It sounds like from what you are saying that the Victims Services counsellor is not supportive of the DSP idea or is at least saying she isn't equipped to support it. Have you raised the possibility of it with your other counsellor/psych?

If you truly rest for at least a month your system has a chance to recover and reset. It is sometimes when we take the focus of intensely trying to solve things, that potential solutions and ways forward come to us. You may find that other options emerge or you find you have the energy to investigate things like volunteer options that may later lead to some work. But I would say the priority right now is to find ways to calm your nervous system.

One thing I am gradually learning to do, and it's taken most of my life to learn it, is essentially how to hold myself in kindness including during difficult emotions. This might involve me lying on my couch and just letting go of all the tension I'm holding, all the stuff I'm bracing against in my body (fears etc) and just letting some loving light and good energy come in. I've found approaching things through the body really helpful, even just being mindful of where the tension is being held, then allowing it to release. Sometimes this leads to a good cry - healthy, healing tears where we allow ourselves to feel with compassion.

There are various other things I have found helpful, from thinking of people who have been kind to me in life and feeling gratitude, to listening to songs I love that speak to me in some way. At the moment there's a song by Eddie Vedder I love called Invincible. My favourite lyrics in the song are:

You are light, you are principle

When you love: invincible

Our shared light indivisible

When we love, we're invincible

Just being able to feel love and connection is probably the most healing thing there is. So I would begin from there. Sending you a very big hug,

ER