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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Cacciatore77 My story, wanting to understand.
  • replies: 7

Hello Beyond Blue,I hope we are all going great for new year. Im wanting to share my story, I'm trying to get the free councilling sessions from Victims services, but in the mean time I just want to be heard, I'm a 25 yr old male if that helps. Trigg... View more

Hello Beyond Blue,I hope we are all going great for new year. Im wanting to share my story, I'm trying to get the free councilling sessions from Victims services, but in the mean time I just want to be heard, I'm a 25 yr old male if that helps. Trigger warning: This involves DV and emotional/psychological abuse as a child. I'll try keep this short From as early as I can literally remember, my parents had a very rough relationship. I can't count how many times I watched my father beat the absolute fuck out of mum. We lived in a rural area with my grandparents in the nearest house across the paddock. From about 3, when the fighting started, I'd run over to their house screaming for them to help, and they'd go try break it up. My grandparents were my anchor at that time. Often I would cry to stay there because I was scared of the house. Id have this same nightmare over and over, and I'd dissociate heavily when my brain tried to ponder on my fears. So there was the DV, but another thing among others that fucked me up (this may make your stomach churn a little), when I was maybe 3-4, my father would sit me up on his PC, and show me extremely violent pictures and videos on an old website that any 90s/00s folks might remember. This pains me, as I feel my father stripped me of any innocence I had. I get teary thinking about it, what kind of grown man shows a child whos favourite passtime is Sesame Street and the Wiggles, pictures of people committing suicide and people being executed? The DV went on until I was about 5, my mother had more then enough, my baby brother was not long born. She feared one of them were going to end up killing each other, and I don't doubt her validity. After I was taken away by DOCs, for the remainder of my childhood I had to visit my father every fortnight. Nearly everytime I visited him, there was always something stuck up his arse. If it wasn't him driving my emotions into the ground, it was death threats on my mother, he'd tell me he'd kill her and any man she got with, any baby they would have together. The shit he would say and emotionally do to me is a plethora of absolute pathetic insecure dribble. I swear sometimes my father wanted me to fail, either that or he is a complete moron that thought he was trying to toughen me up, which just did the opposite. It went on up until I was maybe 13 when I started giving shit back to him, once I got older he calmed down a lot, he realised he couldn't control me anymore so he just gave up. Our relationship has been pretty good over the years, but a number of times we got into punch ups and arguments when we were drinking. I guess that was just me finally releasing all of my pain for him to see. But, some people you just can't change, he even laughed at me one time while I balled my eyes out screaming at him. But besides all that, most of my childhood was good, you always have to remember the bright side. I had pretty bad anxiety throughout highschool, I found socialising extremely difficult. But I'm not bothered about it because I know most people don't go through what some do, so I take it with stride. A lot of things resurfaces when my mothers partner, who was a paramedic, spiralled into a state of Fentanyl addiction and PTSD. It started back up when he locked himself in the bathroom one day and tried to kill himself by OD. I went into adrenaline mode and started CPR, I watched the life just drain out of his body, it was complete insanity. After that, a lot of memories and feelings from my childhood resurfaced, I started having the same nightmare I had as a kid again. Months after just before I was to finish yr 12, my girlfriend at the time who was my rock, broke up with me, and that really fucked me up even further. I quit school and wallowd in depression, but not long after, my ex step dad accidentally set the house on fire an we lost everything. Honestly, when it was happening I just dissociated again, the loss didn't really hit me as hard as my mother. I've tried to keep everything short, theres a lot more I could talk about, but thats the bulk of it. Just wanting somebody to read my story, and maybe help me out a little. At the moment I'm struck with Anxiety and Agoraphobia, dunno if I suffer anything else but I for sure am pretty emotionally dysregulated. Thank you a lot of you read this for me, you don't have to reply but I'm cool with any input anyone has.

miniforever I have so many regrets
  • replies: 6

I’ll get straight to the point. My father was a very unintentionally charming man and everyone who’d been in his company found him funny and charismatic. What they didn’t know was he had a temper and aggressive streak. Both my mum and I had been the ... View more

I’ll get straight to the point. My father was a very unintentionally charming man and everyone who’d been in his company found him funny and charismatic. What they didn’t know was he had a temper and aggressive streak. Both my mum and I had been the targets of his fists. My poor mum also had to suffer the wrath of her father. I still to this day (in my mind), see my father physically assaulting my mum. I have red marks and bruises all over me going to school. Back in those times, nobody looked at these issues. Mum used to blame me for being beaten up by my father. I left and ran far far away being independent for my whole life. Until I met my partner. I foolishly thought I’d met someone who genuinely loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Then the nightmare from my childhood returns in the form of my partner. He was lovely and sweet before the kids came along. Then like a switch, he became this person who is not like the one I was with before kids. He became more aggressive and critical. He doesn’t like being asked questions (questions=attack on him). We used to mark appointments on calendars so we wouldn’t double book. He stopped, citing it was none of my business, or he told me weeks ago so why couldn’t I remember. I didn’t want to have a child until I get a new job and settled in. But he told me time is of the essence and we needed to try soon. I asked, what if I couldn’t get a job after having kids? He told me not to worry as he would take care of all of us. Then it started. Like a switch. I had a horrible birth experience and needed a lot of support. He told me women have babies all the time and I should just move on. I said I couldn’t go through it again for a second child. He laughed of course we were having a second child! Yes I agree with you if you’re reading this. I am stupid. I trusted him and loved him. So I gave him a second child. When second child was 4 months old, he assaulted me and tried to call the police to falsely report I endangered my children. Why did he hit me? I told him we shouldn’t let our 3.5 year old climb all over tables disturbing patrons at the restaurant and not to let him run across the carpark. He told me his parents tried to control what he did and that now I was doing the same to our kids (3.5y and 4mths). I was shocked. He wanted to sell up everything so he could go hide away and we had to fend for ourselves. He rushed back during lunch next day and gave me a hug (I think it was more to check I hadn’t taken the kids away). So that has given him the license to do it again. My childhood nightmare continues. Why am I so stupid? Why didn’t I run away? Why did I have the babies. Now I’m scared, trapped and hopeless. He made a false report on me that I attacked me when the marks were from me defending myself. The police gave him a lot of assistance as to what to do with me. Now, if he doesn’t like something I say or when I disagree with him, he said he would call the police to tell them he doesn’t feel safe because I’m crazy. I feel utterly hopeless and worthless that I’d gotten myself in such a situation.

Guest_41598496 No one believes I was sexually assaulted
  • replies: 1

I was sexually assaulted 3 times by a mutual friend. Every occasion I felt weak and said no but I froze and let it happen. I tried to defer him away because I was so uncomfortable but he kept going. I opened up to my friends but since we are all in t... View more

I was sexually assaulted 3 times by a mutual friend. Every occasion I felt weak and said no but I froze and let it happen. I tried to defer him away because I was so uncomfortable but he kept going. I opened up to my friends but since we are all in the same social circle, the mutual friend has claimed he thought it was consensual. My friends have cut me off because of it. It makes me feel like I didn’t do enough to stop it. I don’t know exactly what he has said to them, but it makes me question if my story is even true. I second guess what happened and struggle to stay true to my story because I’m convinced I didn’t do enough to stop it and it was my fault. I don’t have any support friends anymore. All my friends have cut me off. My parents don’t know because I don’t want to stress them out. I am scared of reporting this to the police because it might cause more of a drift between me and my friends. I am also scared it’s going to get turned back on me again like it was my fault. I have started anti depressants and struggling to cope with the anxiety that I get in the first weeks of beginning SSRI’s. I don’t know who else to talk to.

MimzeeMc Police Issues
  • replies: 3

I, and I can only guess, too many others, have been denied a voice. I am disturbed by the way police issues are handled in Queensland. I always heard about bad police but have only recently come to see just how bad an officer of the 'law' can be. I d... View more

I, and I can only guess, too many others, have been denied a voice. I am disturbed by the way police issues are handled in Queensland. I always heard about bad police but have only recently come to see just how bad an officer of the 'law' can be. I do not believe that one's mental health should completely deter them from speaking out. That those of us with Complex PTSD are treated as though we're the classical movie version of insane, is derogatory and offensive to say the least. It is discrimination. I have not given up on being heard. And I condone anyone else, who is safe to do so, to speak up. The problem is the misuse of one's appointed office. Those who are corrupt wield their power over the general public IS NOT acceptable from those who work in the public sectors. These people create and enable criminals. And they ARE criminals too. The majority of us who resign to bad behaviour, are ourselves the victims of injustice. And sadly, we defeated victims have given up on certain morals and principals. We have given up on the idea of a better world and instead, let go and accept our predicament. It's the whole, monster begets monster thing. If we can't defeat our monsters, we lean towards becoming just like them. Though I've noticed some of us tend to do this either, in complete denial or completely unaware of one's self. If we can't be heard in court. If the law fails you as it has me. Find a way to speak. Forums, the correct government departments, make an anonymous complaint to the police headquarters of your state, share a brief letter about your opinion in the Letter to the Editor section of newspapers. If you are sure you are wronged and are sincere, there are those who will take notice. We may not see the chain reaction that comes from one person caring, but it just might be that, that one person will become part of a larger change. BUT remember, there are certain rules to addressing certain people or departments. You may not see any results for you, that's true. It is about many voices growing together as one. The more who speak, the louder we get. The louder we get, the harder we are to deny. SPREAD AWARENESS. Certain mental health issues should NEVER be an excuse for injustice to be committed against us to have our voices made unheard. It's time ALL public employees were made to undergo mental health checks regularly, from psyches, outside of their own department. People are people, regardless of who or what. Fallible. Flawed. Bias. Common.

SurvivalMode Broken- am I unfixable?
  • replies: 5

Hi, how did I get here, where do I even begin. I am a middle aged female who is not good at talking about me or my feelings but I am suffering, my marriage is suffering. Growing up watching my father abuse my mother was very distressing. Us kids were... View more

Hi, how did I get here, where do I even begin. I am a middle aged female who is not good at talking about me or my feelings but I am suffering, my marriage is suffering. Growing up watching my father abuse my mother was very distressing. Us kids weren't on the receiving end but it still impacted greatly. I was not close to my dad I had a lot of fear, hate and anger towards him. I learned from a young age to appease people, not express my anger and to defuse situations not escalate them. We were a very close family with no other family in Oz. My mother was my world as were my sisters and brother, we did everything together and my husband and I were always there if needed, especially for my youngest sister who became judgemental, opinionated of me and my family as she grew. My older sister in her late 20's was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, she turned on me, hating me and tried to hurt me physically. We couldn't trust her around me at all. Basically I lost my eldest sister as our relationship and she was never the same and I blame the illness not her.In 2004 I suffered an injury unable to use my predominant arm with multiple operations to try and fix I was diagnosed suffering chronic pain disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, major depressive disorder and loss of memory & time. I shut my emotions down to cope with the pain and got by as I had 2 children try to look after-lasted 13 yrs. I couldn't seem to unlock my emotions after. My father died 2014 my mum didn't cope (depression?) helped her through it all as much as we could while my sister and family were causing trouble for mine. Mum and I had an argument over them as the judgements, accusations wouldn't stop and I just couldn't keep taking it and that day changed everything. Mum turned on me/us and said told horrible, nasty malicious lies to family and they were happy to believe it. Who would have thought the very people I was closest to and trusted most in this world 'my family-my best friends' would be the ones to hurt me, my husband & kids so badly. They threw me/us away. I use to 'feel' so much love, laughter and happiness. That trauma too is locked inside. After 8 yrs I reached out as I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to them, nothing has been spoken about what happened but it is not the same. I don't belong. I have all these emotions/anxiety coming up that I am struggling to contain and function with. I feel so overwhelmed. Thanks for listening!

Guest_31027981 A Lot of Anger
  • replies: 2

There are 3 things I do not ever do. 1.I dont lie. 2. I dont steal. 3. I dont cheat. My wife, who has know me for 30 years, knows these things about me. These ideals have been a part of my moral compass my entire life. So, I am driving to a new job i... View more

There are 3 things I do not ever do. 1.I dont lie. 2. I dont steal. 3. I dont cheat. My wife, who has know me for 30 years, knows these things about me. These ideals have been a part of my moral compass my entire life. So, I am driving to a new job in remote SA and I get a text from my wife, who was away for work as she worked 5 wks on 2wks off. The completely out of the blue text read "are you seeing someone else" with some random persons facebook account as a screenshot. I'm not even friends with the person she sent the screen shot of, that person had simply followed me. I was so angry. I pulled up, called her and basically ended our marriage. I was so hurt and angry at her for even thinking I could ever do such a thing. If I was that kind of person, I would have cheated with her when we reconnected but it just isnt me. Anyway, we are trying to sort our shit out BUT, I just cannot seem to get passed the hurt and anger. I feel like she doesnt trust me. Without trust there is nothing. Not in my eyes anyway. I keep wondering how long it will be before she accuses me again. To be honest, in many ways I regret returning to the relationship after the initial breakup but, necessity is the mother of questionable choices. Any ideas on getting passed this anger I feel toward her?

Mothership Passive
  • replies: 4

I have realised that I'm passive, I don't speak up for myself, mentally weak, avoiding conflict, avoiding an argument, all the time, Is this a ptsd symptom, I've had several traumas since I was a teenager, I'm 66yrs old now

I have realised that I'm passive, I don't speak up for myself, mentally weak, avoiding conflict, avoiding an argument, all the time, Is this a ptsd symptom, I've had several traumas since I was a teenager, I'm 66yrs old now

Guest_52192962 Too much - I can’t handle anymore
  • replies: 1

Hi Ten years ago (seems like a long time) I made a stupid decision to go online and try to date. I was 26 I had a 3 Bedroom house all to my self. I was Working. It was 6 houses from the beach. This guy, I met on oasis (dating App) ruined my mind set ... View more

Hi Ten years ago (seems like a long time) I made a stupid decision to go online and try to date. I was 26 I had a 3 Bedroom house all to my self. I was Working. It was 6 houses from the beach. This guy, I met on oasis (dating App) ruined my mind set and affected and Ruined My LIFE. I say this because he controlled me todo anything. It was an online dating app. This got really Toxic and became bad really fast. I made the mistake of allowing him to pick me up and take me back to his place in his car. As soon as I was there, he’d (with his Mum) kick me out. I faught back and was manipulated even more. The police got involved. He said he used me for financial gain ideas. And that he needed help. I was so pissed off, but I didn’t want todo anything as you could imagine that would result in criminal activity. So I let revenge manifest over the years. He would Email me at Late wrong times. Like I.e 2:00 in the morning. And torment me by talking about himself and how he thought my sisters were a catch. I’ve gone through depression My whole life. And whilst I was drinking, and from a divorced Family I was coping and managing. He managed to isolate me from my family. Then he applied for an intervention order ON ME. Couldn’t fkn believe IT. Because we kept fighting in Emails and Phone Conversations. I’ve managed to move myself over 69 Times whilst dealing with people (share house tenants, and families) shit. As I approached mental Health.., (they wernt aware what I was going through). So they miss diagnosed me and detained me every time I went to an Emergency department for Help because I was homeless. I havnt had kids or met a person through ANY OF This. My mothers lack of support just means I want her further away from me. I’ve gained so much weight from stress eating, and I was over weight before. I developed an abscess skin infection (which I’ve endured for 9 Years) and ive had multiple insicion and drainage operations. Anyway I’m highly (At_My_Wits_end) suicidal and all the advice I got from sister (3 of them) in Canada. Is that my life is getting smaller - and smaller.

Rosy Today is not a good day
  • replies: 8

So much has happened in my life, since childhood. My father was very strict, my mum had mental health issues since childhood. We were sent to my Nan's when mum was not good and we were often by my dad that we would be sent to an orphanage. Whenever t... View more

So much has happened in my life, since childhood. My father was very strict, my mum had mental health issues since childhood. We were sent to my Nan's when mum was not good and we were often by my dad that we would be sent to an orphanage. Whenever they had an argument I was told it was my fault, I believed that because mum got pregnant with me, they had to get married. I was often left out, whilst my sister was loved by everyone, I have always loved her, she is my rock. When I was 17/18 I got my first job, where I was groomed and sexually assaulted by my boss. At the same time, my parents separated and my mum took my two sisters to live in another town, then a couple of weeks later, my dad moved out and I was left alone. I often wondered why I was left behind, that I was so unloved. I have no happy memories of my childhood, I remember hugging my dad once and he told me to get away and pushed me away. I never hugged him again. Throughout my life I thought I had friends but I've found that most of them talk to me only because of my husband. I worked hard and had a good reputation and then I started working where I work now. I didn't notice at first how toxic the environment was until I found out my boss was telling everyone how useless I was at my job. Apparently my boss told other staff what a terrible person I was, how I couldn't do my job and told stories about me. I couldn't figure out why colleagues stopped talking to me. I decided to resign and another manager stopped me, a few weeks later, my boss was investigated and had her contract terminated. I have spent the last couple of years trying to unravel the lies spread but it has been hard. In the meantime, I have had breast cancer and a heart attack and I am not the person I used to be. Now my marriage is in name only, and my husband who says he loves but he no longer shows affection or sleeps withe me. I'm tired of this existence.