Broken and Lonely

[BridgetJones]

I’ve lived through multiple traumatic events since childhood, which have deeply shaped the way I see and interact with the world. Growing up with an emotionally absent mother, I learned to distrust authority figures, and that distrust has persisted into adulthood. Though I’ve been sober for seven years, certain situations still trigger emotional reactions, and I often find myself dissociating when faced with stress.

At 48, I live with the lingering effects of those experiences. I tend to isolate myself, especially in social situations, and fear still has a strong hold over me. I’ve tried to break out of this cycle, but it’s difficult. I’ve had EMDR and various treatments along the way, but there are still some challenges—like the difficulty of being in a room with a therapist, which often triggers old wounds.

Despite all of this, I’ve made progress. I’m in a better place now than I used to be, and I’m learning to navigate the complexities of my emotions. But there are days when it feels like a struggle, and I know that the way I’m living isn’t sustainable. I want more out of life, more connection, and more peace. It’s a journey, but I’m still moving forward, even if it’s not always easy.

Single and living with chronic distrust, anxiety and people pleasing behaviours, lost my identity in the process. 

Would love to hear from anyone with similar experience?

Thank you for listening.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi BridgetJones,

I relate to your post. I’m a similar age (50). My mother was emotionally absent to a large degree, but also depended on me as well for her emotional support (while not being capable of providing emotional support as a parent). I also grew up a chronic people pleaser as my way to try to feel safe in the world. I first went to therapy aged 30 and like you I found just being in a room with a therapist triggering. Interestingly I now do therapy sessions with a psychologist via Telehealth who is in another state. It’s worked really well which is because she’s a good fit for me to work with and I feel genuinely compassionately seen and supported. But I also wonder if the fact it’s via Telehealth actually has helped me because of my fear of being proximate to others. I’m actually improving with that fear but it can still come up.

I do think it can be quite an incremental process, learning to gradually overcome old fears and feel more at peace within oneself and safe in the world. I think I understand what you mean about a way of living that’s not sustainable. For me I know that means that I can’t keep living in the level of isolation I’ve been in. I think most humans have a basic need to co-regulate and bond with others. But for those of us with early trauma or neglect that can be so difficult - just to basically trust in relationship.

From my own experience so far I am learning that the more stable, grounded and genuinely kind, warm-hearted people I have in my life, the more I’m able to gauge what healthy relationships are vs unhealthy ones. I’m also learning to develop greater trust within myself and to really see and care for myself adequately for the first time in my life. I was kind of invisible to myself before. I don’t know if that resonates for you?

I feel like being around safe, grounded, genuine people and learning to trust in oneself are like two sides of the same coin. As these things develop, I think life does become more sustainable and less lonely. It becomes more nourishing. I also think we eventually come to realise there is nothing wrong with us and never has been, but our conditioning made us believe otherwise. Currently I’m learning to relinquish the illusions that have driven so much of my life.

Thank you for having the courage to reach out here and I hope you can know you are not alone in your experience. I do think that little by little that distrust and anxiety can begin to alleviate. The fact you can see the progress you’ve made already is meaningful. We are listening here and I hope it may provide some support on your journey.

I especially relate to this sentence you wrote: “I want more out of life, more connection, and more peace”. You’ve expressed exactly how I feel and what I’m working on in my own life. Happy to share along the way if it helps.

Best wishes,

Eagle Ray

[BridgetJones]

Hello Eagle Ray,

I’ve just seen your message – thank you so much! Your reply means a lot to me, and I really appreciate how thoughtful and considerate it was. It made me feel less alone in my struggles. I’m really glad to hear that telehealth is working for you. I think it’s great that it works for you even though it’s not face-to-face; I can definitely relate. I once couldn’t be in the same room with a nutritionist! Ha-ha... I need to find a telehealth counsellor of therapist, was looking at Better Health? 

Taking care of myself and prioritising my own needs has been so helpful. I’ve started going to the gym and eating better, though I still struggle with having ice cream at night!  You’re absolutely right – trust is key, isn’t it, I constantly think I'm being judged? Just one negative look or comment can send me into a spiral of fear, anxiety, and traumatic reactions. Anxiety really has a hold on me sometimes, making things so much harder. So, safety has become something I try to control, whether it's at work or school, where I often feel like I’m just complying with expectations.

Yes, it’s totally invisible to others – and sometimes even to myself. I can really relate to that feeling. I tend to be very codependent, always focused on taking care of everyone else, but forgetting to look after myself.

Animals bring me a lot of comfort. I have a cat named Toby who gives me unconditional love, and I also started volunteer walking dogs at an animal shelter, I feel safe here, big open spaces! I know that the problem is within me, and it sometimes feels so unfair – like mental suffering is invisible, unlike a broken arm that people can see. All I want is to be loved and accepted for who I am, without having to hide behind a mask or live in fear.

It's a journey. 

Thank you for your kind reply again 🙂  the kindness of strangers! 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Hello BridgetJones,

Yes, Better Health could be worth a go. I haven't tried it so I can't speak from experience but it seems they have more affordable fees than some in-office options. I just checked if they're covered under Medicare though and they are not, so if you wanted to do a Mental Health Care Plan with your GP for a Medicare rebate you wouldn't be able to. In my case I really wanted to do a specific trauma therapy, Somatic Experiencing, so I searched for practitioners of this method. I tried a few people in my state but none were the right fit. So I cast my net wider across Australia realising Telehealth could be an option. I've now found a really good psychologist and it's working well for me. I think when you've lived through multiple traumatic events as you have and are dealing with fear, it's really important to find a therapist who is genuinely sensitive, compassionate and attuned to your experience. I knew my current therapist was right from the first session because I felt free to communicate and she just really listened. Most other therapists I'd been to had kind of dominated and judged and not really been present with me. I've learned to detect the difference between someone who is really there with you and someone who isn't.

It's great you are finding ways to take care of yourself. And ice cream at night is ok! It's sort of taking care of yourself by giving yourself a treat which is probably counterbalanced by the gym 😂 I can't remember where I read it but I read about a woman who eats ice cream every night but is still very healthy, and it seems to be because she is eating healthy all the rest of the time and exercising regularly. I really relate to what you say about the sudden attacks of fear. I can be convinced all of a sudden that my presence in a space is unacceptable and someone is going to be, or is already, angry with me. When in fact that's not the case at all. For me I had a lot of sudden, unpredictable anger directed at me in childhood so I am always scanning for safety and the possible next attack. So like you I am always trying to control safety. I'm getting a little better and realising I am safe and I don't have to do this, but the impulse is still there and activates. I'm just more aware of it now and can start to calm it somewhat.

Animals are so wonderful aren't they! I get so much comfort from them too. I do petsitting for my friend's mum looking after her lovely cat and I have always really loved dogs and have lived with them before. I first lived with dogs in 2003/2004 (my housemate's) and it was like a portal into the experience of trust and safety for me. If I still lived in the city I think I'd be doing what you're doing and walking dogs at the animal shelter. I think animals can really feel safe even if humans often don't. I did a session in 2021 of equine therapy with a horse and that was interesting. I wouldn't mind trying that again actually. Horses are profoundly sensitive and pick up on how we feel, and so do dogs and cats for that matter. I think it is with the animals that we may first know we are loved unconditionally, even if we have trouble grasping that humans can love us the same way.

I do think the masks we use to protect ourselves can gradually come down. Mine is starting to do so - not fully there yet but it's definitely starting. My mask has been to always act like I'm fine (even when I'm really, really not) while being really positive and supportive for others and always making sure they're ok. You sound very similar. I have found beginning to care for vulnerable child parts of myself has helped, parts that got neglected in childhood. I was parentified by my mother in particular so I became a parent from the age of 5 while not actually being parented myself. So now I am learning to parent my own inner child and I can feel her integrating and my self becoming more whole - like my inner child is growing up through being supported. This is helping with increased feelings of safety that are emerging.

Anyway, lovely to chat and, yes, it's a journey where I think we can definitely grow in a direction of increased safety and well being 🙂

Take care and always happy to chat,

ER

[BridgetJones]

Thanks Eagle Ray, and my apologies I'm just seeing this now. I will reply properly in the next day or two properly! 

Bridget Jones

[BridgetJones]

Hello again Eagle Ray, 

Thank you for your very kind and thorough response. I have been in touch with a counsellor and started my first session last week. She seems nice. I'm the same, constantly scanning my environment, although much better it's still control to feel safe. I have a beautiful cat, he is my world, I have zero anxiety when I'm with him, lucky I work from home, so I'm in a good place for healing. I really relate to the masks and your story, to become whole and let go of those old beliefs, slow process. 

I am starting to set small boundaries with my mum (e.g. over text), what I want, she just doesn't reply at all! So it's a bit of a dance at the moment. I realise I've always been codependant on her and vice versa, but she has a partner, I don't! She has a life and I dance to hers, it's really scary standing up to her, even thought I'm in my 40s, I know I have to for my own sanity and I'm so sick of tired of being constantly anxious!! The codapendency haves me worried about her feelings and how and if I'm hurting her!! So silly when I think about it!. 

So I have to face the fear and do what's right for me, create my own identity and not worry about her feelings about it.

Hard, but doable! 

How are your relationships?  Have they improved?  Have you had any kick backs?

Bridget

[Eagle Ray]

Hi BridgetJones,

That's great you have found a counsellor and she seems nice. I'm so glad you have your beautiful cat too 🐱💗

It's good you feel you are able to set small boundaries. I think others can take time to adjust if they are used to a certain pattern. I've found I just had to keep practising with boundaries but I remember I found it excruciatingly difficult at first. So be gentle with yourself and know it will eventually get easier. I found it really hard with my mum, being concerned for her feelings while trying to begin to take care of my own needs. I think I am slowly learning now a kind of balance where I am still compassionately present with another person but I'm my own independent self as a separate entity. So I can make decisions in my own interests and I'm actually allowed to do that. But it has certainly been quite a journey getting to that point.

As for my relationships, well it has been interesting. For a long time I had what were really unhealthy friendships and relationships. They involved me being this resource/support for the other and me thinking it was my job to be responsive to their needs all the time, so definitely like a form of co-dependence. I ended up progressively moving away from a number of those people and, yes, I got kick backs in relation to the ones that were particularly unhealthy. This took the form of them incessantly contacting me, wanting me to be there for them in the exact same way I always had been. Sometimes they were angry, sometimes they were incessantly needy and kind of relentless. I could tell they couldn't actually see me as a person in my own right, just me as the resource they had always fed off to get their needs met, so it was like they had withdrawal symptoms if I wasn't immediately responsive to them and feeding their needs. I actually felt like I was a drug to them and I kind of was. So I had several people actually who contacted me excessively trying to lure me back into old patterns with them. I just disengaged from those people in the end as it became clear there wasn't a way to work through it that wasn't going to just add even more stress to me. And it was a massive relief! I feel so much better not having those people in my life. I can still care about them as people but I don't have to be involved with them.

However, in some other contexts it is like my relationships with particular people have improved. They are actually respecting my boundaries more and getting that I even have a boundary, or that I'm my own person. This has been really empowering. I've had to learn to really start to value myself. I have learned it starts with me and how I relate to myself and that can change the nature of my relationships with others. I am still breaking through certain fear barriers. The current one is the fear of being really seen by another which is most relevant to intimate relationships where you are truly exposed in a way. Because of my complex trauma history there can be a real fear of being seen, that it won't be safe. I am working to break out of that now and allow myself to be vulnerable and seen. After I got away from several unhealthy friendships I was left with my few really lovely friends where things are really safe and unquestionably trustworthy. So this has helped me know what genuine trust and safety is. Also working with my current psychologist has helped greatly in relation to trust and safety too. So as I get that intuitive sense of what is healthy and safe, I can feel that I am gradually breaking through more barriers within myself, basically through different layers.

I hope that makes some sense?! Sorry for the long reply! But, yes, in summary certain relationships have improved, others have faded and disappeared. And the connections with people that were already balanced and healthy not only remain but are stronger now because I have more time and energy for the people in my life where there is that special connection.

I think the first step in any process is awareness and it sounds like you are very aware and already on the path to healing the patterns you have developed. And those patterns are really understandable survival patterns that we develop in relation to having trauma in childhood. I'm always happy to chat about it if you want to as I'm on a similar journey.

Take good care,

ER