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Broken and Lonely
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I’ve lived through multiple traumatic events since childhood, which have deeply shaped the way I see and interact with the world. Growing up with an emotionally absent mother, I learned to distrust authority figures, and that distrust has persisted into adulthood. Though I’ve been sober for seven years, certain situations still trigger emotional reactions, and I often find myself dissociating when faced with stress.
At 48, I live with the lingering effects of those experiences. I tend to isolate myself, especially in social situations, and fear still has a strong hold over me. I’ve tried to break out of this cycle, but it’s difficult. I’ve had EMDR and various treatments along the way, but there are still some challenges—like the difficulty of being in a room with a therapist, which often triggers old wounds.
Despite all of this, I’ve made progress. I’m in a better place now than I used to be, and I’m learning to navigate the complexities of my emotions. But there are days when it feels like a struggle, and I know that the way I’m living isn’t sustainable. I want more out of life, more connection, and more peace. It’s a journey, but I’m still moving forward, even if it’s not always easy.
Single and living with chronic distrust, anxiety and people pleasing behaviours, lost my identity in the process.
Would love to hear from anyone with similar experience?
Thank you for listening.
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Hi BridgetJones,
I relate to your post. I’m a similar age (50). My mother was emotionally absent to a large degree, but also depended on me as well for her emotional support (while not being capable of providing emotional support as a parent). I also grew up a chronic people pleaser as my way to try to feel safe in the world. I first went to therapy aged 30 and like you I found just being in a room with a therapist triggering. Interestingly I now do therapy sessions with a psychologist via Telehealth who is in another state. It’s worked really well which is because she’s a good fit for me to work with and I feel genuinely compassionately seen and supported. But I also wonder if the fact it’s via Telehealth actually has helped me because of my fear of being proximate to others. I’m actually improving with that fear but it can still come up.
I do think it can be quite an incremental process, learning to gradually overcome old fears and feel more at peace within oneself and safe in the world. I think I understand what you mean about a way of living that’s not sustainable. For me I know that means that I can’t keep living in the level of isolation I’ve been in. I think most humans have a basic need to co-regulate and bond with others. But for those of us with early trauma or neglect that can be so difficult - just to basically trust in relationship.
From my own experience so far I am learning that the more stable, grounded and genuinely kind, warm-hearted people I have in my life, the more I’m able to gauge what healthy relationships are vs unhealthy ones. I’m also learning to develop greater trust within myself and to really see and care for myself adequately for the first time in my life. I was kind of invisible to myself before. I don’t know if that resonates for you?
I feel like being around safe, grounded, genuine people and learning to trust in oneself are like two sides of the same coin. As these things develop, I think life does become more sustainable and less lonely. It becomes more nourishing. I also think we eventually come to realise there is nothing wrong with us and never has been, but our conditioning made us believe otherwise. Currently I’m learning to relinquish the illusions that have driven so much of my life.
Thank you for having the courage to reach out here and I hope you can know you are not alone in your experience. I do think that little by little that distrust and anxiety can begin to alleviate. The fact you can see the progress you’ve made already is meaningful. We are listening here and I hope it may provide some support on your journey.
I especially relate to this sentence you wrote: “I want more out of life, more connection, and more peace”. You’ve expressed exactly how I feel and what I’m working on in my own life. Happy to share along the way if it helps.
Best wishes,
Eagle Ray
