Feeling Lost

[Sunny_days]

I (23F) was in a relationship with someone I really loved (24M) until recently that lasted about 3 years where we lived together… I had been in past relationships before this one that had been quite bad in terms of emotional and physical abuse, so I didn’t think that there was any issue with this one and I really thought I was going to marry him and have kids with him, so I feel utterly disillusioned. 

he had been very open with me about his previous relationships, and had detailed to me about six months or longer into the relationship that one of his previous partners had enjoyed watching porn with him and using adult toys to please himself, and that he liked that, and wanted to do it with me. I did not want to do this, but became quickly aware of the fact that this disappointed him, and he was upset with me and said I made him feel ashamed of himself… It was at this time that he also disclosed to me and showed me his extensive collection of porn DVDs, magazines, flashlights modelled off of porn actresses, and scrapbooks he made of porn actresses that resembled people he knew and were our friends. He had told me a lot of this had been because his ex-girlfriend had encouraged this. 

over time and after having struggles with him misplacing funds, lying about money, excessive gambling, and both of us having to skip meals, his porn collection grew and to an extent that I would estimate at about 500-600 porn DVDs. 

He had been open about wanting to please himself, and at the time I felt that this was only fair since I didn’t want him to feel stifled by me, and I felt that any feelings I had that were bad about it, were selfish and insecure, and any time I brought it up it made him very defensive and upset. this dynamic culminated in him sitting in the lounge room with a case of beer, a 2L tub of lube, and at least four fleshlights (that were correlated to the women he would watch) watching porn for days, at least twice a week, for about two years.

This prevented me from having people over, opening the curtains, participating in any household task, or leaving my bedroom, and over time, made me feel like I had no control or choice. It became so much so, that I had multiple bad depressive episodes, all of which I felt ashamed about, and he called me ‘unattractive’ or ‘crazy’ for having, and would use this as an excuse to watch more and more porn. 
Since breaking up with him and losing my housing in the process, I feel so so lost. 

[indigo22]

Hi Sunny_days,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, I am not surprised you are feeling the way you are.

Your ex partner sounds like he has an addiction which, like any other addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling), will not go away until it is acknowledged and help is sought to overcome the addiction. He also sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies which combined would be very difficult to live with.

You have done the right thing and I applaud you for having enough love for yourself to know you deserve better. At 23, you have plenty of time to find someone who will treat you with respect.

You have mentioned that you have been involved in other dysfunctional relationships previously and I feel I need to ask you if there is any trauma in your past that could account for attracting these relationships to you. What I mean by this is, for example, I came from a dysfunctional family situation and was always attracting relationships that were also dysfunctional. Could this be the case for you also? If so, I highly suggest reaching out to your GP to get some assistance through counselling to heal the part of you that is still wounded.

We are so often attracted to what we have experienced before because it is all we have ever known, but at some point we need to heal our wounds to find out what life can be like beyond what we have always known. There is already a part of you that knows that or you would not have left those relationships, so why not take the next step to ensuring you no longer attract these types of relationships in the future.

You said you have lost your housing, do you have somewhere to stay at the moment while you are sorting things out?

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

You don't need to feel alone in this, I will be around to support you when you need to talk.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Sunny_days

Along with indigo, I applaud you for taking the higher way toward developing your true nature. When we find ourself with a 'my way or the highway' kind of person, the highway or higher way can be the best path or way for us. Of course the best way is definitely not always the easiest way, far from it at times. Along with indigo, I can't help but wonder whether you've established a home base at the moment, somewhere to live. Btw, if it's a place of support, there's nothing wrong with returning to our original home base, where we grew up. It can be a temporary base, 'til we're back on our feet. I did this myself when I was younger, after a relationship break up.

I like to think we're made up of so many different elements or facets. There can be an adventurer in us, a financial manager in us, a dreamer or seer (with visions of the way forward), an optimist, a pessimist, an inner critic, a wonderer (that leads us to wonder), a sage and so many other facets. There's so much to tap into. Certain facets will come to life in us at different times in our life and under different circumstances. Understanding them and how they work and mastering them can be challenging. At some point in your ex's life, with the direction of his ex, it sounds like a part of him was brought to life that has obviously become completely out of control. While he may have labelled you as 'crazy' at some point, this is highly questionable given how crazed or completely obsessed he's become by this part of his nature. Sounds like it's completely taken over him. Btw, I've found that addicts tend to be most attracted to those who share the same addiction, making anyone who doesn't share it less attractive. So, they're not unattractive, just less attractive to the addict.

My heart goes out to you. No wonder you felt so deeply depressed at times in that relationship. You felt the relationship for what it was, deeply depressing at times. While he judged your feelings harshly, you were feeling accurately, sensing the true nature of the relationship. As a gal who's a feeler and who's married to someone who could be described as 'a functional alcoholic', living with someone who's a somewhat dysfunctional addict can definitely be felt as depressing at times. When you come second to what feels exciting, relaxing, enjoyable etc to an addict, it can become depressing. Their highs can trigger our lows. Their perspective becomes 'There's nothing wrong with me, you're the one with the problem' or 'If you felt the way I did, you'd realise it's you with the problem because this feels great. What's wrong with you not wanting to feel this?'. On the flip side, what's right involves living a life that's not confined to being in front of a tv, on a couch or in a bed. There's far more to life than that. You're now on your highway or path looking for more than that. One step at a time toward finding new elements or facets of yourself that you can travel through life with. I'm hoping you've found a home base to work from, as you work hard toward finding the best in yourself. 

From one deeply feeling person to another, you've got this, you can do it (it just may not feel like it at the moment but moments change, just as we do).❤️