PTSD and Trauma

Am I abusive or being abused?

replies: 1

My partner and I had an argument that ended the same way it always does, he shuts it down, everything is my fault and that I have communication issues. He can be very mean, swearing at me, criticizing me. He often calls me "childish" and repeatedly t... View more

My partner and I had an argument that ended the same way it always does, he shuts it down, everything is my fault and that I have communication issues. He can be very mean, swearing at me, criticizing me. He often calls me "childish" and repeatedly told me I was acting like a 2-year old during an argument the other night. He locked me out of the house recently while angry and this dragged on for about 4-days, after I told him I am embarrassed by his drinking habits. He made a "joke" about flirting with someone else girlfriend, and said that I should trust him to do that and so actually act on it. That's just a few examples. Tonight, I had approached him about how often we had been fighting and bickering. I told him how badly it is starting to affect me. I told him that if every argument continues to be shut down, nasty and unresolved, then resentment is going to continue to build and it's not sustainable. He responded "sounds like you're blaming it all on me." I said that I am not blaming him, and he said "well, you are." He then started talking about how I had bought a swing set for my daughter for Christmas without talking to him, and went on and on about how it's not okay, behaving as if I had done something super extreme. I became extremely frustrated, because he wouldn't tell me why it bothers him asking why I didn't talk to him. I apologised and said that I was really excited and stuff. And he was saying that's just a "cop out." I said "why are you treating me as if I have committed an unforgivable act, or breaking something very precious to you. I don't understand." I'm not sure why I said that, but I was very frustrated. He then FINALLY told me why the swing set was bothering him. It's because he doesn't want to move it when he mows the lawn. I said: "so she misses out on years of fun, because you don't want to move it when you mow the lawn?" It just escalated from there. He tried to shut down the conversation over and over saying "I'm done. I'm not talking to you." Eventually he stated he won't be attending a Family event we're supposed to go to tomorrow and that I have to get a refund on the swingset because he won't have it here. He continued on with how poor my communication is and essentially all the problems I have. I "just don't stop". He minimised locking me out of the house because it was "5-minutes and you had keys." (He didn't know I had keys)I am starting to experience severe mental health decline. Am I being abusive?

Centaureds story. TW

replies: 261

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID. ... View more

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID. Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse. On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart. It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired. My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse. At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note. In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse. Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped. I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot. Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance. My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing. Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt. Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

Mother - Daughter (or son) Sexual Abuse

replies: 3

Hi - I've been going to therapy and working on my healing for some years now. I'm making great progress and life is good. I have had bits and pieces of memories coming back though. They are fragmented and mostly sensory... but when I put them all tog... View more

Hi - I've been going to therapy and working on my healing for some years now. I'm making great progress and life is good. I have had bits and pieces of memories coming back though. They are fragmented and mostly sensory... but when I put them all together it paints a picture of child sexual abuse from my mother, to me as her daughter. My mother is quite disturbed, has a lot of trauma herself and was extremely dysregulated my entire upbringing - and still is to this day. She was very emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me. But this isn't the story that one hears as often and it's so hard to find information online. We're so used to hearing about the male abuser - I wanted to post to see if others had any stories of female abusers generally, and also sexual abuse from mothers - maybe female teachers or relatives too... Women can most definitely be abusers too - and they go about it very differently to men, potentially much more insidious.

Struggling with sexual assault

replies: 1

About a month ago I was assaulted by someone I knew. I was intoxicated and play fighting with him. He became quite aggressive. I struggle to remember exactly what happened due to the amount I drank, this happened in-front of other people also. I was ... View more

About a month ago I was assaulted by someone I knew. I was intoxicated and play fighting with him. He became quite aggressive. I struggle to remember exactly what happened due to the amount I drank, this happened in-front of other people also. I was so upset I left and went home. The next day I was covered in bruises. I’ve had to have physiotherapy. I’m struggling to even label this as sexual assault and I work in family violence. I feel like I should have known better and continue to minimise the situation. I am getting support but feel unstable emotionally due to the ups and downs. When I feel happy or forget about the assault I ask myself why would I feel happy after being assaulted. Working in family violence is a huge distraction focusing on other people, however I’m worried it’s making things worse for me. I haven’t had any time off and caught myself saying today I wish I would get sick and land in hospital so I can have a break. Knowing this is me wanting to escape. Can anyone else relate ?

My story

replies: 2

So I went from Vic to WA to look after my brothers kids. He’s studying nursing and had a placement which fell over the week he had them. I only had 2 weeks of annual leave owing so I took it then (I work in neonatal intensive care) and he got then ba... View more

So I went from Vic to WA to look after my brothers kids. He’s studying nursing and had a placement which fell over the week he had them. I only had 2 weeks of annual leave owing so I took it then (I work in neonatal intensive care) and he got then back on the wed-sun of the second week. My son is 28 and when I was a mum I was pretty strict knowing I was a single mum. These kids don’t get to see my brother ALOT so when they do he likes to make it the most fun time. I respected this until the last day of my 2 weeks. I ordered cakes that thought everyone’s personality including my parents at home (I was leaving in 3 hours) My brother was upset bc the 6 year old didn’t get the cake he wanted. He ate his cake then decided he wanted his 8 yr old brothers cake. My brother saw red and got so upset I didn’t get the same one for him. He bought out my parents and sons cake that was in the fridge and offered it to the 6 year old. I begged him to please not but he gave my parents (in Melb) cake to him and he ate it. I said (after 2 weeks of keeping my mouth shut) this is why your kids behave like they do! My brother pulled me by my hair and threatened to physically assault me. My son got out of the spa and intervened and kept him off me but he said I wasted $600 on getting you here and don’t you ever speak to me or my kids again. I transferred the $600 into his account that minute and my son took me to the airport and I caught the closest plane. He’s tried to call me since but I have nothing to say. My son and parents want to pretend it never happened Im especially traumatised bc was raped 15 mths ago and they are all aware of that Several times my brother has used unacceptable language around that traumatic incident. Do I just leave it or do something?

I’m a victim of image based abuse and I feel really upset and alone.

replies: 8

I’m a female in my mid 30s. I have children of my own. I was in an unhealthy relationship for many years. I had children with this person. During the relationship there were a lot of red flags that I should have payed more attention to but somehow ig... View more

I’m a female in my mid 30s. I have children of my own. I was in an unhealthy relationship for many years. I had children with this person. During the relationship there were a lot of red flags that I should have payed more attention to but somehow ignored. A year or two into the relationship he had sexual intercourse with me whilst I was asleep. He didn’t physically hurt me but there definitely wasn’t consent. a year or so later I woke up to him a similar incident involving my face. Near the end of the relationship I woke up to him taking photos of me and touching me whilst I was sleeping. I was upset after each of these situations, we broke up shortly after the last one. A few years after we broke up (so fairly recently) I was looking at some digital photos he had given me and found a folder full of photos and videos he had taken of me whilst sleeping without consent. In some of them he’s touching me intimately. min some of them he’s moved my clothing to get a better “shot”. He’s also recorded us having sex without my knowledge or consent. Even though these photos were taken a few years ago and we have since broken up, I still feel really upset about it and violated. Some of these photos were taken at the beginning of the relationship and others were taken at the end of it so this has happened on a lot of occasions and has occurred over a long time. Ive searched online to see if I could connect with someone else who has been through a similar experience but can’t seem to find anyone? surely I’m not the only person this has happened to? I know that it’s illegal to take photos like this without someone’s consent but most of the info I can find focuses on the nonconsensual “sharing” of intimate images and says nothing about nonconsensual “taking of photos”. The ex and I did sometimes send consensual nudes to each other throughout the relationship but this feels completely different due to the violation of trust and privacy surrounding these photos/videos. I feel really hurt. My self esteem is affected. I feel like this has affected my self value negatively. I don’t know what to do about it from here. I don’t know if I would be taken seriously if I reported it? I’m worried that my ex would just lie and say that they were consensual if I report it? I feel so betrayed and disgusting.

Constantly feel like a character

replies: 3

Whenever smth would happen in my life, I would catch myself acting like I'm in a story. I feel like I'm constantly acting. I don't know who I am and how I really feel about things. I recently got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. And I'm ... View more

Whenever smth would happen in my life, I would catch myself acting like I'm in a story. I feel like I'm constantly acting. I don't know who I am and how I really feel about things. I recently got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. And I'm afraid I'm going to make this my whole "life story" instead of just living life like everyone else. I'm afraid itll become my whole personality and I'll just self sabtoage for this story my brain is making up. I tend to self sabotage when things go well because I think I'm supposed to live a sad life because that's the story I made in my head. Why can I not just be happy and get better without feeling like smth is off? I cant imagine myself getting better. I just see myself suffering and trying to get better, but will always be sad. Like I live in those sad stories where I'm destined to be unhappy and everyone feels bad. It sounds so childish and attention seeking but i can't stop. My anxiety and depression I know are real. They are smth I can't control and they are the only time I actually know what's happening with me. But when I'm feeling okay, I don't know who I am, or what I like, what I want to do or how to just exist. I still have trauma to heal from, learn to cope with anxiety and depression, finding a purpose in my life and overcoming many many fears. Can someone explain what this is or tell me if this is normal?

Unhappy

replies: 3

Hi there, i recently moved back to an outback town and feel really unhappy and lonely here. I have no choice because I need to get my permanent residency through a sponsorship. Just going through a break up with a toxic person too . I have a lot of t... View more

Hi there, i recently moved back to an outback town and feel really unhappy and lonely here. I have no choice because I need to get my permanent residency through a sponsorship. Just going through a break up with a toxic person too . I have a lot of trauma in my childhood and just feeling extremely unhappy. Not sure how to change it at this point.. I’m feeling very stuck, depressed and lonely

i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

replies: 97

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse** Hello out there, I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall ... View more

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse** Hello out there, I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense? I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent. I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning....... I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like. Thank you, dig

domestic violence against men

replies: 40

I am currently studying community welfare and began the subject Domestic Family Violence. Although many men do experience abuse from their partners, this is not recognized in my course. When I asked the teacher about it, she reported to me that men b... View more

I am currently studying community welfare and began the subject Domestic Family Violence. Although many men do experience abuse from their partners, this is not recognized in my course. When I asked the teacher about it, she reported to me that men being abused by women would and should be treated differently and receive less support. Its been a long hard battle for females to gain rights so we should be treated better than males? I don't think this is the "equality" I visioned as a female. Anyone else find it not quite right? Shouldn't violence (especially in a family) and abuse against ANYONE be wrong?

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PTSD for Medical and First Responders

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