I'm 29f, have a history of childhood abuse and neglect. I lost both my
biological parents at ages 10 and 12, raised from then by my alcoholic
step-dad so I have some CPTSD. I'm also trans and I was recently
diagnosed as neurodivergent. It's all so ov...
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I'm 29f, have a history of childhood abuse and neglect. I lost both my
biological parents at ages 10 and 12, raised from then by my alcoholic
step-dad so I have some CPTSD. I'm also trans and I was recently
diagnosed as neurodivergent. It's all so overwhelming and I don't know
if I want to continue living much longer, though I'm trying to look for
reasons to keep going. My ex-partner, let's call them Mia, recently cut
me off after four years. Mia was the most important person I'd ever met.
I have the most memories of joy and laughter with them out of anyone and
we had planned marriage and a life together. Mia is also neurodivergent
and CPTSD and our relationship grew very unhealthy in the end due to
stress on us both. Mia finally snapped and accused me of "classic abuse"
and then wrote a text saying we needed to separate, saying maybe in the
future we could reconnect after long term healing and acknowledging both
of our parts. I thought we would separate quietly at this point, so I
agreed to separate and to take accountability for my part, but then Mia
went on Instagram liking reels about abusers and horrible men every day
for weeks (and sending them to their sister who also liked them
publicly) and went on Reddit saying I was a covert abuser. I found this
Reddit and realised it was filled with things Mia had never been open
about it in our relationship, which seemed like misrepresentations of me
with some outright lies I found. However, due to my really poor memory
because of my conditions, I found it hard to be sure what the truth was
(in our relationship I always deferred to Mia's memory). For months I
questioned if I was an abuser and went to intensive relationship
therapy, read books on personality disorders and abuse, called abuse
hotlines, wrote long checklists of my behaviours and compared them to
diagnostic criteria, asked for honest feedback on forums and told
everyone close to me that I might have abused the person I loved.
Everyone just seemed sad that I would take this accusation to heart when
they heard the story. Eventually I started to remember all the harmful
things my ex had said or done toward the end of our relationship and
that it really was a two-way street, though nothing for either of us to
be remotely proud of. But 8 months later I still can't get rid of the
shame of the character attacks, misgendering as a man and criminal
allegation Mia made in public while abruptly cutting me off without
discussion. I also can't get rid of the shame of participating in such a
harmful relationship with the person I loved most, who I always tried to
cherish. I've stopped hoping for the future, feeling deserving of love
or caring for my health anymore. I've stopped trusting my close friends
and have begun to push them away. I feel that the people close to me
will abandon me one way or another, either by quietly pulling away or by
some kind of conflict. I can't hold down a job or even participate in my
part-time vocational course right now because I feel so hopeless,
unmotivated and afraid of human beings. I just want to be loved. I want
to belong. But I don't feel like there is a seat for me at any table.
How do I convince myself to stay in a world in which I don't really fit
in and have so many griefs that weigh down on me?
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
