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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Jilly Confused and Uncertain
  • replies: 6

I have spent 5 and a bit years struggling with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have worked so hard climbing out of the deep dark hole I fell in to. Along the way I said hurtful things in anger, re-hashed my past over and over with one thing on my min... View more

I have spent 5 and a bit years struggling with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have worked so hard climbing out of the deep dark hole I fell in to. Along the way I said hurtful things in anger, re-hashed my past over and over with one thing on my mind and that was to cause pain to the person who is responsible for my PTSD. I went to the police and made a statement and now regret it despite the fact I told the truth. It is my brother. But I cant take it back. I have dropped all charges but it has had its effect. As things got better and I have been able to come off so many medications I feel clearer, less angrier and with a desire to rebuild my life, despite everything I lost....career, husband, home, friendships and connections to my siblings. I thought as things got better for me so to would these relationships. I think I am wrong, I am still not positive this has happened, but I have tried to reach out to one brother and his family (not the abuser), so far all my calls and messages go unanswered. Its only been 4 attempts, but I am becoming paranoid and it is affecting my day to day thoughts. I am so scared I have lost them for good. There is so much I want to explain but feel like they just dont want to hear it, they are probably sick of my constant talking about myself. I am scared I have changed direction I was heading and that is my fight to rebuild my life. All because I am being ignored. Then I ask myself is it just paranoia and if so then things in my mind really are not good. One minute I am telling myself to just let it go and focus on myself and then I am wondering whether I should try to make contact again. If I get no response it will really hit me again. I would like one day to find peace with the brother who hurt me, that may never happen, but I have accepted that. I think my reaction to this brother has affected my relationship with the other. Perhaps he thinks I went to far bringing the police into it. He might wonder what kind of person does that to a family member. And those thoughts bring me back to feeling guilty. It took me 5 years to stop that feeling, I dont want those feelings again. This all might sound confusing and that is what I am afraid of. Should I make contact again, should I just get on with rebuilding my life and hope my negative thoughts go away eventually? Should I just wait and see what happens? So confused.

amwa  trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening
  • replies: 1

I'm new to beyond blue as I'm trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening. I have been on anti depressants for about 5 weeks which I don't know if the are working and have seen a doctor who is setting up some therapy for me. My chil... View more

I'm new to beyond blue as I'm trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening. I have been on anti depressants for about 5 weeks which I don't know if the are working and have seen a doctor who is setting up some therapy for me. My childhood was pretty good up until age 9 when my parents divorced due my mum cheating on my dad. I was molested 3 times, once when I was 4 by my grandfather, once when I was 9 by an adult female and once by my mothers boyfriend when I was 11. My mother then dated an alcoholic for 3 years which you can only imagine that. Then when I was 14 we had a house fire and lost everything, our car didn't work so a paddy wagon picked us up n took me to a welfare house. All my siblings went to other people. I stayed with my mother with not enough money to even wash our smoked out clothes..My mother lost everything and started saying aliens were coming to get her and could hear demons and would crawl into bed with me at night. She would also get me to do sayonces with her when I was about 13. I later realised she had paranoid scitzophrenia which remains untreated. I am now 36. My father after the divorce emotionally and financially abandoned me as was very hard as he was very present when my parents were married. through my young adult life used alcohol a lot and became very angry. But through it all I was still ok, bought my own house, held a good job and was quite strong .3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life.. He moved in..asked my father for my hand in marriage and dec 2014 took me home to New Zealand to meet his family. When we got there he changed, we were there for 4 weeks and all he wanted to do was drink n hang with mates which I understood as he hadn't seen them in 4 years but it was to much. I did a pregnancy test and found out I was over 5 weeks pregnant..upon going home I tried to talk about it and was faced with a cold wall..no emotion, no care.. He told me he didn't want me sitting around n getting all fat n stuff and basically left. I was forced to terminate my child of 7 weeks and left my job, my house, my life which I loved. During all this my family had to take me home...pull me out of bed.all hope was gone, severe anxiety attacks...not crying but wailing, my heart was beyond shattered, he came back n begged for forgivenes, told me he would make it right only to betray me again. He told me I was insecure, needy, depressing, a totally different man to who he was before going to New Zealand.

lostPuppy Feeling more insignificant than ever
  • replies: 1

Hi, I don't know where to start since I have so much to tell and I am nervous while I am typing this but I feel I need to reach out to someone since I feel I can't reach out to my partner, friends and family. I have always felt insignificant, worthle... View more

Hi, I don't know where to start since I have so much to tell and I am nervous while I am typing this but I feel I need to reach out to someone since I feel I can't reach out to my partner, friends and family. I have always felt insignificant, worthless and alone or 'on the other side' since my car crash 14 years ago. The crash has left me with facial scarring and Acquired Brain Injury, which lead to short term memory loss. I have felt useless since I had limitations to the things I can do and even though I have gotten better at the limitations, I never seem to get over the fact that I cannot be where I was before the crash. This lead to me disliking myself and angry with myself and my life During rehab all I wanted to do was to get better so I can live my life as normal as I possibly can. Part of that was getting a job, like everyone else. I came close to that goal and at that same moment I thought I had a better grasp of the feelings and thoughts that were in me but since my current relationship, everything seems to be 'spilling'. I have been actively applying for jobs so I can achieve this goal but have been unlucky lately. Whenever I try to bring it up to my partner, of the feelings of disappointment and powerlessness that I cannot support us more, financially, all he says was "at least your day was better than mine" or "at least you are not stressed about work" or since he suspects he has a hemorrhoid, "at least you are not stressed about work and have a hemorrhoid". Which has left me feeling so insignificant, I have been thinking about the situation all night and do not know what to do. I don't know if I should have the right to feel the way I do, feel kind of lost? I can't even sleep Sorry for the long post

Raven666 I feel a need to share my sexual assault story (trigger warning)
  • replies: 3

Hey I feel a need to share my story and maybe see how others feel about it and if my thinking is faulty, I don't want pity. The starting of the trauma that put the dent in my armor and shattered my self confidence. It's been 20 years now of the initi... View more

Hey I feel a need to share my story and maybe see how others feel about it and if my thinking is faulty, I don't want pity. The starting of the trauma that put the dent in my armor and shattered my self confidence. It's been 20 years now of the initial sexual assault that was done to me when i was 5 maybe even when i was 4 i'm not quite sure. No one will really give me the specifics. I'm the youngest of 3. Brother is disabled by epilepsy. Eldest sister has admitted that she deliberately put me in harms way to protect herself when her survival instinct overrode her maternal instinct of protect the young. It all went down when I was 5, my sister at 8yrs old told my mum why she didn't want to go visit dad (them being divorced) Our entire family on both sides turned on us or ignored our situation. They accused my sister of lying and of mum putting her up to it. So after it went to court and dad went to jail we had to move. We weren't able to go see any shrinks. For years we moved around, going from town to town which further screwed our education of having to go from school to school. We actually settled in an area for 5 years but it was during those five years that I was again sexually assaulted but this time by mum's boyfriend. I didn't speak up, we were going through enough trouble at that time and I didn't want to add to it. The years of moving, making no friends and having my own sister pick on me and break my trust when I tried to do the usual thing of "run to the big sister to tell her everything" and then that last sexual assault finally broke my armor, shattered my self confidence and esteem. It seems it destroyed something inside me, I can't place what it is that's broken. Its been 20 years as i said before, 14yrs of having no father figure. I reunited with my dad 6 or 7 years ago. My thinking is that I was too young to remember it, he did his time in jail, he admitted to the court what he did and now has to live with the guilt and grief he brought on himself for what he did. I don't deny that there is trauma I just can't remember it, consciously at least. My sister hates me because I'm living with him now and my mum was actually proud of me for the first time... I feel uncertain about something but I can't quite put my finger on it. Dad hasn't done or said anything about it, all he's done is apologize while he cried for putting me through it.

Yourlady_e Verbally abusive husband or am I just losing my mind?
  • replies: 1

My husband &I both have been married before & I have 2 sons who lives with their dad in South Africa & my husband has 4 daughters16-25. We have known each other for more than 15 years. The 25y old has a mental disability & lives with us along with th... View more

My husband &I both have been married before & I have 2 sons who lives with their dad in South Africa & my husband has 4 daughters16-25. We have known each other for more than 15 years. The 25y old has a mental disability & lives with us along with the 16y old. His children constantly causes issues but so does he. I have been told they are not my children & am not allowed to talk to them about anything yet I get told I should get off my high throne & make a better effort to build better relationships with them. I feel like when I do that, he'll always causes some issue & manipulate them to choose his side & hate me again. In 3years we have not had one week of peace. I have been going for counseling at a counselor as well as my local pastor. He has been to my pastor for a while but stopped, says there is nothing wrong with him it's me that has the problem. The few times he did go to my pastor he told them lies & managed to manipulate the situation so to turn it into his favor. Until last year October I still believed I was the problem & that I needed help. Last year October things got so bad again that I tried to commit suicide for the second time. After that failed, I sought out some help from a counselor who helped me to think differently of myself. However things still has not changed in our house! Every week there will be something new he will find to start an argument with me and nothing I do or say is ever right. He would yell at me that I am f'd up, that no one will ever love me, I am a hateful person & he hates people like that. He says I just hate him & his daughters & had a calculated plan to ruin their lives. He will tell me he wants a divorce but he is not going to get it, I should. If I use the car he says I am just using him & I steal his car as I do not pay for it. I am a housewife so I do not earn any money! He will tell me I sit on my back all day, thinking out all kinds of devious plans against him. I used to yell & swear back at him to give him some of his own medicine but I stopped doing that now as that just gave him more excuse to point fingers at me. I then just leave him alone and keep to myself. Eventually after a day or two he'll just give me hugs and act as if nothing ever happened! No apologies whatsoever! After he has managed to push his children away from me again and pushed me away, he comes back in being the hero who loves me and wants to comfort me!Am I losing my mind or is there something seriously wrond with my husband? beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Ana3 Ptsd
  • replies: 3

Hi Last year my husband was diagnosed with ptsd and began treatment with a psychologist. At this point in time we had only been married for 6 months. I only ever knew he suffered depression from a back injury. i have seen little progress in his abili... View more

Hi Last year my husband was diagnosed with ptsd and began treatment with a psychologist. At this point in time we had only been married for 6 months. I only ever knew he suffered depression from a back injury. i have seen little progress in his ability to manage his ptsd compared to that of late last year. I am now concerned he is no longer attending his appointments as he appears very withdrawn and shows little interest in my day/life or our marriage. I am sorry if this sounds selfish. It is not my intention. Do you have any suggestions on how I can manage withdrawal. If I try speaking with him I am accused of being a nag or starting a fight?? He also has a alcohol addiction. Our weekends or potential time together is generally based around his hangover and depression. He suffers social anxiety whereby he only maintains friends he has known for a long time or those he can make while drinking. Is there a way I can help him to manage this in order for him to feel less anxious?

Iamok Trauma to apathy
  • replies: 6

I was recently involved in a traumatic situation where one of my best friends was left brutally injured. I helped rescue him from the situation that left him in this position and was involved in the transporting of him to the hospital. Im glad to rep... View more

I was recently involved in a traumatic situation where one of my best friends was left brutally injured. I helped rescue him from the situation that left him in this position and was involved in the transporting of him to the hospital. Im glad to report that he made it through the experience and is making a miraculous recovery. I have been feeling really up and down since the event; feelings of regret and guilt for not doing more than I did on the day even though I don't know what else that could have been. People constantly ask me if I am ok, and I respond that I am, but I know that I'm not. I just don't want the fuss. I feel stuck in what i am doing day to day, even though it's new and should be exciting. I think I'm hiding my anguish perfectly and that's probably the most unhealthy thing to do. I work hard to pay back the debt I'm in and know that 'that's life' but get a sinking realisation that 'that's life'. I over think everything and this leads to procrastination and poor productivity at work which stresses me out that I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel guilty and selfish that this post will take up the time of others that need more help than I do. I constantly talk about wanting to help others but do nothing to implement any idea I might have. Lastly and most embarrassingly I cry sometimes feeling sorry for myself, and then feel stupid because there's people way worse off than I am. A roller coaster of emotion in my head that projects an apathetic shell to everyone else.

melly06 I need strength to leave my abusive, controlling boyfriend
  • replies: 4

On the outside everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. Both young (21), blonde, outgoing, ambitious, passionate. Behind closed doors, I can't do anything right. My boyfriend and I both have depression. He is addicted to weed. This makes him veeeer... View more

On the outside everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. Both young (21), blonde, outgoing, ambitious, passionate. Behind closed doors, I can't do anything right. My boyfriend and I both have depression. He is addicted to weed. This makes him veeeery paranoid. He goes through my phone to check who I'm texting. He texts me 10 times a day to find out what I'm doing. He tells me who I'm allowed to see, and when I'm allowed to see them. He calls me names . He's hit me before. He said he never would again but... I can't believe him. He owes me over $1000. He doesn't let me sleep at night unless he is tired, and I am forced to wake up when he does. He forced me to move into his parents house, knowing I despise them. I now dread coming home every day, because in an argument they said to my face I wasn't welcome there. He says if I move out, he will never speak to me again. I've always been the strong, confident, smiling girl who was surrounded by friends at all times. I was known for my smile!!! Now, I don't even know my smile. I met him when I started living in a new country. Due to his controlling behaviour, I haven't made many friends here. Now, I know I need to leave and get my life back. I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life with someone who brings more tears than smiles. When he is in a good mood he is perfect, but it's just there isn't any good moods anymore. I am sick of being bullied, and I want my confidence back! I just want to be me again.Once October comes, I am definitely leaving Australia. I am only worried about how I get through the months before then... Who has left an abusive relationship, especially while struggling with depression and loneliness prior to leaving? I know what I need to do... I just don't know how to do it... I know no one here, I have nowhere to go, no one to ask for help... beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Lace Trying to deal with the aftermath of appearing at the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse in Institutions.
  • replies: 6

Hi, I am new to this and really don't know what I am doing, however I need to do something positive to get some help. I am having Counselling once a week over the phone but it isn't helping at the moment. In Feb 2014 I testified at the Royal Commissi... View more

Hi, I am new to this and really don't know what I am doing, however I need to do something positive to get some help. I am having Counselling once a week over the phone but it isn't helping at the moment. In Feb 2014 I testified at the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse in Institutions. Since then it has been a never ending ordeal with Solicitors, Police, Doctors and Counsellors, each one rehashing my story over and over again, all wanting the nitty gritty details. I was told that I wouldn't be in the papers or on TV unless I gave permission, I didn't give permission but there I was all over the TV and in the papers, I was mortified. In 1969 -1970 I was institutionalised in a state run home in NSW for running away from home, it was there that I was, physically, verbally and sexually assaulted. I kept my secret for 46 years, but decided to speak out in the hope that what happened to me would never happen to another child in care. i am depressed not only because of the flashbacks and the ordeal of testifying but also because the Government does not seem to take heed and take the Royal Commission seriously. Unfortunately theses types of abuses are still happening, nothing is being done and I feel that I have dredged up my past and come forward to no avail. My friends shun me because they do not know what to say to me and my family thinks I am such strong person that I have it all under control. I am falling apart at the seems but still trying to put on a brave face, behind the scenes I am a mess. Thanks for listening, it's good to get it out.

hurtinggirl CPTSD and sexual abuse as a child
  • replies: 8

just want to say hello. im strugging with life.i have cptsd,and was sexal abuse most of my childhood. hope to talk to people who understand what it like for me.

just want to say hello. im strugging with life.i have cptsd,and was sexal abuse most of my childhood. hope to talk to people who understand what it like for me.