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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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OrangePenguin Abused as a child by older siblings possibly left me mentally traumatized
  • replies: 4

I just realised that I've had a problem deep within me, I'm currently 20 years old. I started to be self aware at 18, because I left home for study on my own, since then I've been facing a lot of real life situation problems, work, social, interperso... View more

I just realised that I've had a problem deep within me, I'm currently 20 years old. I started to be self aware at 18, because I left home for study on my own, since then I've been facing a lot of real life situation problems, work, social, interpersonal relationship, romance, financial, and stuff. I was doing all right, until I've had my first big breakdown, I left all 3 of my job, my academic record went downhill, relationship with my family gone worse from bad, and ultimately a girl left me. I'm totally depressed for good 6 months. At that time, I reflected all of my life, what went wrong. Then, my childhood memories struck me. I recalled all the nasty stuff what my brothers did to me when I was a child. We're 5&6 years apart, I'm the youngest of 3. I was overweight, they always called me fat. physically abused me, it still left a scars on my body. Once, they made me believe that our parents found me in the dumpster, and forced to raise me. Publicly humiliate me. I wrote a diary and love letter for a girl, they found it and tease me for years, yes years, I don't have enough space to spill it all here. Just to let you know what I've been through. I've always looked up to them, I wanted them to accept me so badly. I never really saw that as a kind of big deal when I was a kid, I cried almost everyday because of them, and yet I still desperately trying to get close to them. I never feel loved, nor accepted. They have outgrown their nasty habits now and trying to atone their doing, but I can't yet to trust them. Is there really any link between childhood trauma and the later on life? Or it's just that I'm trying to find something to blame for my situations? Either way, I'm fed up with this "me". I want to fix this. Thank you for reading this, any suggestion or advice would be much appreciated!

Bud_ptsd Coping with PTSD
  • replies: 1

Gday! I was involved in a horrific incident about 9 years ago. I initially had counselling and was diagnosed with a high level of PTSD. I have a lot of support around me but have been hiding its effects for the last few years. I'm just now realising ... View more

Gday! I was involved in a horrific incident about 9 years ago. I initially had counselling and was diagnosed with a high level of PTSD. I have a lot of support around me but have been hiding its effects for the last few years. I'm just now realising how this was not a good idea. I have a beautiful family/Job/House etc. Unfortunately I do not know anyone who suffers from ptsd. This makes it hard (if not impossible) to get any real/helpful advice. I am desperate for someone outside of my circle to talk to. Can't afford counselling so I'm really struggling lately due to a couple of triggers. Any doc I see just tries to prescribe meds. If I have any hope at coping with this for the rest of my life I need an understanding ear not a pill. If you are reading this and know what I am talking about, please respond. I am just about to chuck in the towel. Please, please help.

HyperDave I've been seriously traumatized, differently to most
  • replies: 1

I have definitely experienced some quite extremely distressing, stressful and upsetting life experiences. Unfortunately I do not personally feel comfortable to ever discuss these experiences, I truly do not believe other people can under or relate, o... View more

I have definitely experienced some quite extremely distressing, stressful and upsetting life experiences. Unfortunately I do not personally feel comfortable to ever discuss these experiences, I truly do not believe other people can under or relate, or at least the vast majority. Although I do believe people can relate to the general emotional and mental impact. I experienced a LARGE variety of emotions in relation to what happened, shock, acutely upset, deeply depressed, extremely angry, and for quite some time just an acute feelings of being stressed, serious problems sleeping, nightmares etc. I think to a reasonable degree, with a significant amount of time I have largely recovered from the above sort of impact. However there is absolutely no doubt that my experiences have permanently altered my perception of the world, in certain areas I am simply extremely distrustful, and I have become strongly unwilling to expose myself to situations where it could ever happen again. Without a doubt it has quite dramatically altered the course of my life in certain aspects. I have almost entirely battled with these experiences alone. I have had some quite harsh experiences in life. My mother died when I was 13, I have experienced extended periods of my life completely isolated from social supports and anyone who cares about me, I won't go into my life story, but the traumatic experiences I am talking about, nothing else in my life compares to how awful those experiences were to me. They will be in my mind, until the end of my life. I was WRONGED, quite seriously. Some people experience significant wrongs and get justice and recognition of what happened, in my case I never will. My capacity to be truly happy and content in life, without a doubt has been permanently diminished to some extent, but I am still grateful that I have my life, I know I have it a lot better than others. I am capable, and have reasonable physical health, I can have an acceptable life. I do emphasize with anyone that has experienced any sort of highly traumatic event in life, people who haven't been through it just don't understand.

MsWharton Lack of care taken by the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Abuse
  • replies: 3

Like a previous poster here I have been involved with giving evidence to the Royal Commission. After my experience I would urge all survivors of institutional abuse to think carefully about their health before they get involved. I have been more dist... View more

Like a previous poster here I have been involved with giving evidence to the Royal Commission. After my experience I would urge all survivors of institutional abuse to think carefully about their health before they get involved. I have been more distressed in the past two months than any time in the last 20 years. The staff at the Commission have pressured me and overstepped my boundaries constantly. They do not offer any support that is safe or accessible to me. This is because the support agencies they have funded are very institutional and dis-empowering. This is very frightening for former wardies or homies. Most of the Commission staff treated me like I am worthless- they were rude and looked down on me. I have been retraumatised by sharing my story in an unsafe environment. I feel I have been treated like I was treated as child: like I have no rights and my feelings don't matter. It will take me a long time to recover. I am still crying every few hours and have been this way for weeks now. It is important that our stories of being abused in 'care' are heard, but at the moment the cost to our health is too high. Why can't Commission staff even be kind to us? They know we have been abused and we are crying but they don't care. I still can't quite believe how badly I have been treated by the Commission. It should have been an empowering experience but I feel like they see me like the perpetrators saw me: worthless, to be used and disposed of, powerless and rightless.

mizzme Ex manipulated me into doing things against my morals
  • replies: 6

I dont even know where to start.. or why im posting. In a nut shell, i was with a man 10 years my senior who can only be described as a narcassist. He manipulated me into participating in 3sums with other men on a number of times even though he knew ... View more

I dont even know where to start.. or why im posting. In a nut shell, i was with a man 10 years my senior who can only be described as a narcassist. He manipulated me into participating in 3sums with other men on a number of times even though he knew i hated doing it. After everytime he would assure me we wouldn't do it again, but then a few months later he would push for it again. I was a prude if i didn't do it. The kicker was him manipulating me into one of these encounters when i was pregnant with our son. It was a horrible experience and i cringe even writing it on here. He was never physically abusive but he was verbally abusive and sexually. After 3 years we have finally split, its been 5 months and i currently have an intervention order on him, so I should be feeling really good right? NO, im not.. i feel anxious and are even self medicating. My moods are up and down, I feel anti social, my goals have been put aside. My questions, WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? I should be HAPPY that chapter is over? And i am happy but im sooooo emotionally and mentally messed up!!

Guest_2350 Lost
  • replies: 93

Hello, I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetw... View more

Hello, I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween. I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside. I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do. What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting? Thanks.

Jilly Confused and Uncertain
  • replies: 6

I have spent 5 and a bit years struggling with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have worked so hard climbing out of the deep dark hole I fell in to. Along the way I said hurtful things in anger, re-hashed my past over and over with one thing on my min... View more

I have spent 5 and a bit years struggling with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have worked so hard climbing out of the deep dark hole I fell in to. Along the way I said hurtful things in anger, re-hashed my past over and over with one thing on my mind and that was to cause pain to the person who is responsible for my PTSD. I went to the police and made a statement and now regret it despite the fact I told the truth. It is my brother. But I cant take it back. I have dropped all charges but it has had its effect. As things got better and I have been able to come off so many medications I feel clearer, less angrier and with a desire to rebuild my life, despite everything I lost....career, husband, home, friendships and connections to my siblings. I thought as things got better for me so to would these relationships. I think I am wrong, I am still not positive this has happened, but I have tried to reach out to one brother and his family (not the abuser), so far all my calls and messages go unanswered. Its only been 4 attempts, but I am becoming paranoid and it is affecting my day to day thoughts. I am so scared I have lost them for good. There is so much I want to explain but feel like they just dont want to hear it, they are probably sick of my constant talking about myself. I am scared I have changed direction I was heading and that is my fight to rebuild my life. All because I am being ignored. Then I ask myself is it just paranoia and if so then things in my mind really are not good. One minute I am telling myself to just let it go and focus on myself and then I am wondering whether I should try to make contact again. If I get no response it will really hit me again. I would like one day to find peace with the brother who hurt me, that may never happen, but I have accepted that. I think my reaction to this brother has affected my relationship with the other. Perhaps he thinks I went to far bringing the police into it. He might wonder what kind of person does that to a family member. And those thoughts bring me back to feeling guilty. It took me 5 years to stop that feeling, I dont want those feelings again. This all might sound confusing and that is what I am afraid of. Should I make contact again, should I just get on with rebuilding my life and hope my negative thoughts go away eventually? Should I just wait and see what happens? So confused.

amwa  trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening
  • replies: 1

I'm new to beyond blue as I'm trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening. I have been on anti depressants for about 5 weeks which I don't know if the are working and have seen a doctor who is setting up some therapy for me. My chil... View more

I'm new to beyond blue as I'm trying to heal myself or at least understand what's happening. I have been on anti depressants for about 5 weeks which I don't know if the are working and have seen a doctor who is setting up some therapy for me. My childhood was pretty good up until age 9 when my parents divorced due my mum cheating on my dad. I was molested 3 times, once when I was 4 by my grandfather, once when I was 9 by an adult female and once by my mothers boyfriend when I was 11. My mother then dated an alcoholic for 3 years which you can only imagine that. Then when I was 14 we had a house fire and lost everything, our car didn't work so a paddy wagon picked us up n took me to a welfare house. All my siblings went to other people. I stayed with my mother with not enough money to even wash our smoked out clothes..My mother lost everything and started saying aliens were coming to get her and could hear demons and would crawl into bed with me at night. She would also get me to do sayonces with her when I was about 13. I later realised she had paranoid scitzophrenia which remains untreated. I am now 36. My father after the divorce emotionally and financially abandoned me as was very hard as he was very present when my parents were married. through my young adult life used alcohol a lot and became very angry. But through it all I was still ok, bought my own house, held a good job and was quite strong .3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life.. He moved in..asked my father for my hand in marriage and dec 2014 took me home to New Zealand to meet his family. When we got there he changed, we were there for 4 weeks and all he wanted to do was drink n hang with mates which I understood as he hadn't seen them in 4 years but it was to much. I did a pregnancy test and found out I was over 5 weeks pregnant..upon going home I tried to talk about it and was faced with a cold wall..no emotion, no care.. He told me he didn't want me sitting around n getting all fat n stuff and basically left. I was forced to terminate my child of 7 weeks and left my job, my house, my life which I loved. During all this my family had to take me home...pull me out of bed.all hope was gone, severe anxiety attacks...not crying but wailing, my heart was beyond shattered, he came back n begged for forgivenes, told me he would make it right only to betray me again. He told me I was insecure, needy, depressing, a totally different man to who he was before going to New Zealand.

lostPuppy Feeling more insignificant than ever
  • replies: 1

Hi, I don't know where to start since I have so much to tell and I am nervous while I am typing this but I feel I need to reach out to someone since I feel I can't reach out to my partner, friends and family. I have always felt insignificant, worthle... View more

Hi, I don't know where to start since I have so much to tell and I am nervous while I am typing this but I feel I need to reach out to someone since I feel I can't reach out to my partner, friends and family. I have always felt insignificant, worthless and alone or 'on the other side' since my car crash 14 years ago. The crash has left me with facial scarring and Acquired Brain Injury, which lead to short term memory loss. I have felt useless since I had limitations to the things I can do and even though I have gotten better at the limitations, I never seem to get over the fact that I cannot be where I was before the crash. This lead to me disliking myself and angry with myself and my life During rehab all I wanted to do was to get better so I can live my life as normal as I possibly can. Part of that was getting a job, like everyone else. I came close to that goal and at that same moment I thought I had a better grasp of the feelings and thoughts that were in me but since my current relationship, everything seems to be 'spilling'. I have been actively applying for jobs so I can achieve this goal but have been unlucky lately. Whenever I try to bring it up to my partner, of the feelings of disappointment and powerlessness that I cannot support us more, financially, all he says was "at least your day was better than mine" or "at least you are not stressed about work" or since he suspects he has a hemorrhoid, "at least you are not stressed about work and have a hemorrhoid". Which has left me feeling so insignificant, I have been thinking about the situation all night and do not know what to do. I don't know if I should have the right to feel the way I do, feel kind of lost? I can't even sleep Sorry for the long post

Raven666 I feel a need to share my sexual assault story (trigger warning)
  • replies: 3

Hey I feel a need to share my story and maybe see how others feel about it and if my thinking is faulty, I don't want pity. The starting of the trauma that put the dent in my armor and shattered my self confidence. It's been 20 years now of the initi... View more

Hey I feel a need to share my story and maybe see how others feel about it and if my thinking is faulty, I don't want pity. The starting of the trauma that put the dent in my armor and shattered my self confidence. It's been 20 years now of the initial sexual assault that was done to me when i was 5 maybe even when i was 4 i'm not quite sure. No one will really give me the specifics. I'm the youngest of 3. Brother is disabled by epilepsy. Eldest sister has admitted that she deliberately put me in harms way to protect herself when her survival instinct overrode her maternal instinct of protect the young. It all went down when I was 5, my sister at 8yrs old told my mum why she didn't want to go visit dad (them being divorced) Our entire family on both sides turned on us or ignored our situation. They accused my sister of lying and of mum putting her up to it. So after it went to court and dad went to jail we had to move. We weren't able to go see any shrinks. For years we moved around, going from town to town which further screwed our education of having to go from school to school. We actually settled in an area for 5 years but it was during those five years that I was again sexually assaulted but this time by mum's boyfriend. I didn't speak up, we were going through enough trouble at that time and I didn't want to add to it. The years of moving, making no friends and having my own sister pick on me and break my trust when I tried to do the usual thing of "run to the big sister to tell her everything" and then that last sexual assault finally broke my armor, shattered my self confidence and esteem. It seems it destroyed something inside me, I can't place what it is that's broken. Its been 20 years as i said before, 14yrs of having no father figure. I reunited with my dad 6 or 7 years ago. My thinking is that I was too young to remember it, he did his time in jail, he admitted to the court what he did and now has to live with the guilt and grief he brought on himself for what he did. I don't deny that there is trauma I just can't remember it, consciously at least. My sister hates me because I'm living with him now and my mum was actually proud of me for the first time... I feel uncertain about something but I can't quite put my finger on it. Dad hasn't done or said anything about it, all he's done is apologize while he cried for putting me through it.