Going back to the place

[Gruffudd]

I try to avoid it but most of the depression and anxiety are related to a traumatic thing that happened as a teenager. The place it happened is in a park near some train lines. The trouble with that spot is that it can't be avoided. Particularly as I haven't told most people close to me that it happened, so to say anything is to let out something I don't want them to know.

Moving interstate didn't get me far enough away as mother has moved to a house where when I stay there is a view from the bedroom window in the direction of that place. I can hear the trains passing which can make for bad dreams.

Last time I was there I went past on the way to the station and saw there were some diggers making a hole for the NBN. I thought, at last it is being destroyed. But it hasn't. This week back here interstate the diggers are working on the NBN, it is triggering the memories, I am right there again seeing what I saw, feeling it, the smell, everything. I am beginning to think that I don't much want super fast broadband. I certainly don't want a trigger to follow me all the way back here.

One psychologist told me to make it just another part of the landscape and not to let it have that power. I think I have done fairly well at that over the last 20 years, but then I seem to be developing quite a strong reaction to diggers and NBN equipment.

[blondguy]

Hey Rob

I hear you. I can still run with my oversized dog/best friend but I cant seem to run all the way around the block because it scares the hell out me...and its a small block....ugh! (fear of being away from my home..safe place) I havent told anyone that until now.

This may be no help at all....My NBN was connected months ago in the southern subs....I wont use it as its not as super duper as everyone says it is. Its pointless....I have some geeky friends that say its the same speed as their old ADSL line.

I understand the triggers though Rob....especially being too far from my home. In the car I can drive anywhere but my psychologist said he could 'fix' it...about 20 years ago....(agoraphobia)....Just so over it..

Sorry that I am not much help...and thanks for letting me vent Rob

[Guest_5218]

Hi Rob,

I'm sorry ........ there is little I can say. I do understand a little of what you are going though. I understand the unavoidable triggers, the unwanted memories and the bad dreams.

Regarding NBN, I dont have it yet. It is available in my area, but so far I have chosen not to connect. Like Paul says, I have heard reports that its not as good as the old system. So I will continue to wait. I dont think you'll be missing much if you chose not to connect to the NBN.

I know the experts all say to stop avoiding the things that hurt, but sometimes I think its best to follow your instincts. Then when you feel better equipped to tackle it, then you battle things head on. I hope you can overcome your current reaction to diggers and NBN equipment. Try a little bit of self imposed exposure therapy. It's just equipment ............. the NBN wasnt even around 20 years ago. (-:

I hope you manage to get some bad dream free rest tonight.

Sherie xx

[Guest_1055]

Dear Robbie

I am so sorry for whatever you went through back when you were a teenager. I wish that I knew you back then, I would have helped you somehow. Please know I care and hate the thought of you hurting or anything.

With kindness

Shell xx

[Gruffudd]

It is horrible that both of you understand because that means you feel something like this too. I appreciate not being alone with it though.

Sherie you are right there was no NBN 20 years ago, but that place did exist and I had never been there or noticed it. I doubt I would have ever noticed it if... That is probably the best advice, wait until the strength is there.

Paul, you know venting is allowed. I feel kind of honoured that you could share that.

For a long while after I went another way, used another train line and a bus and a bit of walking - an extra hour to avoid that spot. I cant do that with this NBN connection though, I'll have to keep trying to talk myself out of this one.