My first step to getting help (trigger warning: abuse)

[Sadmummy]

My hubby wants me to go to a therapist or start on some pills.

im not keen on either of those treatments so thought I would try and find a safe place to vent.

a rather Long summary of things weighing on my mind most days

a) 18 months ago my 2nd child was sexually assaulted by my brother which caused a massive rift between me and my mother and made me feel isolated and alone because she used to be my first go to vent person.

b) 9 months ago the same child was physically abused by a biological parent and opened a huge can of worms court battles etc in regards to 1st and 2nd children.

C) same child has diagnosed behavioural issues and can be extremely challenging. Add in two massively traumatic life experiences and it is very hard to watch this child suffering.

d) 3rd child is experiencing behavioural issues too

e) I feel unappreciated and not respected by my kids and sometimes hubby also.

F) I feel like I am always doing things or trying to please everyone else. I have not enough time or energy to do everything and no part of my individual person left

g) financial issues. Not on struggle street but huge amounts of debt thanks to custody court etc and means working 4 days a week and hubby working a lot of hours. Putting off plans such as buying a home, having another child etc

h) really wanting another baby but knowing it is not going to happen due to cost and situation and other existing children's special needs

i) thinking my relationship is the only good thing going for me for my hubby to turn around and say we are suffering because of my low moods and decreased libido and basically saying that he can't do it much longer

j) my mother burdening me with her secret about childhood abuse by a family member and expecting me to not tell anyone in the family because she dealt with it by sweeping it under the rug. And then having my extended family basically disown me because she has told them I've kept the kids away from her.

K) my in laws lack of love for 3rd child (not hubbys bio kid). They make it reasonably obvious 3rd child is different to the others. And 3rd child's bio parent brainwashing to think that in laws aren't allowed to be called family.

i think that covers the most of it. But mostly I am just exhausted physically and mentally. And I don't know who to talk to.

[blondguy]

Hello Sadmummy

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community

I am sincerely sorry (and sad) for what you and your family has endured. You are and have been in many places that can use so much emotional energy I am not surprised that you are suffering from exhaustion.

Dealing with this is similar to opening up a toolbox of self help. The first tool to use would be your GP for a visit and a good vent....that will provide some relief and give you a platform on which you can heal.

I read that you are not keen on seeing a therapist. The exhaustion you are currently feeling may be very good reason to see one even your GP to start with.

Exhaustion and seeking help is no different to seeking help for a serious physical ailment or condition. There is really no difference. You would have everything to gain and nothing to lose by starting with your GP.

You have also had the pain of court issues too. I was in the Family Court in the 90's and ended up with depression. You also have so very much on your plate right now as well, especially two wonderful children.

I understand you want to feel better which is a huge start as your health is a crucial part of being able to care for your children and yourself. I really hope you can see your GP as soon as you can Sadmummy.

I really do feel your pain and please write back and let us know how you are going

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish 🙂

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

dear Sadmummy, welcome to the forum, and from what you have told us would have an enormous inpact on how you feel and certainly how your second child would have to try and cope with.
I'm sure that PTSD would have a huge effect on both of you, and by having this it's such a mammoth task to try and overcome.
Not only with all the court battles that have gone on or perhaps still going on is certainly half the strain, but the other concern is the effect it has left on you and your children, and not only your second who had to struggle with all of this, it is going to have a detrimental ongoing effect on all of you.
All of this must be so exhausting and debilitating for you, because it seems that every angle you try and turn to there is always something blocking any progress, or even try and keep the peace.
At the moment it doesn't seem to be feasible to have another baby, because this could only add on to what you are struggling with now, and by having a baby isn't going to give you any more relief, which I think you have come to terms with.
I tend to wonder whether your husband wants you to have therapy and/or take some medication, so that your libido will increase.
I could be wrong and really hope so, because I also wonder whether or not he is helping you out in any way possible, as there is friction between your in laws and the third child which is going to affect you.
All of this has been extremely difficult for such a long time, so in other words nothing has been able to help any of you get over all of this trauma and be able to push it aside, and that's why, and I'm only suggesting here is that I feel you need help with all of this, just as your daughter/daughters will as well.
So can I urge you to go and see your doctor, and please DON'T close this post because I've said that to you, because all of what you have mentioned is serious.
I am so pleased that you have contacted this site and really want to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Sadmummy]

Thank you for your reply. We have 4 children in total. 2 belong to my hubby 1 me and the last ours together. Big blended family with lots of added stressed.

i need to make an appointment with my GP I know I do.

[Sadmummy]

Thanks Geoff I told him I was concerned he only wanted me to get help since my mood is affecting him.

he told me that he wants me to get help because it hurts him to see me hurting.

[blondguy]

Sorry about that Sadmummy...4 wonderful children. Thankyou for writing back 🙂 I know you know that a GP visit is a good idea. You deserve to be happy and not to be in the place you are in right now.

Geoff mentioned the seriousness of your situation and not to close this post. There are many very kind people here that are here for you.

You deserve the help you need to enable some peace and relief.

Here for you x

Paul

[Sadmummy]

Thanks for your quick response.

i was diagnosed with depression once before as a uni student after a bout of glandular fever and pneumonia left me almost bedridden and exhausted for months and then my life spiralled into a depression and partying and failing at school etc.

i took pills for 8 weeks which was enough to get my head back in the game and haven't needed them since. I can usually self regulate my feelings and work through them but lately it is all compiling and I am in a rut.

i know what my issues are but my main concern is not being able how to fix them.

i know my reluctance to get help stems from my upbringing and my mother and nan who were always such "tough" people who could just "get on with it". My mum would belittle my fathers side of the family for being weak and having mental health problems.

Looking back at that attitude now knowing what I know it was all a fake front and total bs!

my nan wasn't brave for standing up to her abusive husband. She didn't have to stay with him and put up with it. I am so grateful I have a loving supportive hubby. I would never put up with that sort of behaviour.

Turns out my mum isn't a tough person like I always thought In fact the opposite. She swept her issues under the rug and never really talked about them.

the other part of my reluctance comes from the custody battle. The other parent has mental health issues and I don't want to be put into the same box. Sounds stupid I know but that is something I struggle to get past!

[Sadmummy]

I made an appointment to see my doc next Monday and see what we can do

[White_Rose]

Dear Sadmummy

Thank you for telling us your story. Like Geoff and Paul I am so sorry you are having a bad time. Congratulations on making the GP appointment. It's the first step towards becoming well and in control again. I love Paul's analogy of the toolbox, it's so apt. And yes, the first tool is your GP.

Your mom and grandma both decided to ignore the bad things in their lives and refuse to acknowledge them. It was hard for them to do this but circumstances were very different to today, when they were young. The unfortunate part is that they are now unable to understand why you feel and act in a different manner. It may be useful to get some of the literature available on BB sent to you to pass on to these ladies. They may be able to empathize more with you. This information may also be useful for you.

It seems to me that your health is the most important thing to address. When you start to feel better and more able to cope, you can then discuss with your mom why she tells your siblings lies. Until then you must care for yourself.

Three things I want to impress on you. It's not your fault for becoming depressed. The effect on your family is unfortunate and sad. At times like this you need your family to support you and help you to get well again, not to simply tell you to take medication. Talk to your husband about supporting you and your son in being part of the family. It is cruel to deliberately exclude one child and your husband needs to take a stand against this with his family.

I don't know what your GP will recommend to you. Please be completely open about all the things you have mentioned here. It may help to print this thread or parts of it and take it to your GP. That way you are less likely to become too overwhelmed to talk.

Depression is an illness like any other. Taking medication is often a good way to heal, Pills alone will not 'cure you', but they may help to reduce the enormous stress you are carrying so that you can heal. If your GP suggests seeing a counsellor or psychologist, please do not dismiss this. It can help you and your family. Also ask about therapy for your second and third children. They are both suffering and need help. It will also relieve the strain on you as they start to get well.

One more thing. The court will look at any mental illness but if you are able to show you are getting help and managing very well, it will support your claims. Struggling on your own is not the best way to impress the court.

Mary

[blondguy]

Hey Sadmummy, thankyou again for reaching out and posting back.

Mary has excellent advice especially on printing this thread or bits of it to take the pressure off yourself when you see your GP 🙂

Nice work making the appointment too

You are more than welcome to post about anything that is on your mind

Paul x