Blocked Memories of Abuse

Nancy27 · ‎13-05-2016

Hi, I am new to BB and have been struggling with mental illness for as long as I can remember. I saw a psychologist two years ago when I got to a very low point. During these sessions, we spoke about sexual abuse when I was a child. I was abused by two separate 'family' members. one from when I was very little. I have never told any other person about this. Though I can not remember a lot of my child hood, from what I can remember, what my sister remembers and one offending family members path in life, the psychologist has said that she believes that my brain has not been able to deal with the trauma as a child and has blocked details to protect myself. After having meetings with her, I remembered more details, but still don't know what happened to me. I don't know what is worse, thinking about it and not knowing, or if I should seek help to unlock these memories. Has anyone else had blocked memories?? I had been going okay but the last few weeks I have completely lost my way again, I am so sad all the time, I can't sleep but am soo tired and I feel like crying at nothing. I have never told anyone apart from psychologist about the abuse, because I feel like I should be protecting everyone else. If I told my husband every time he went to touch me he would think of it, and I don't know how he would react to my family if I told him who it was. I cant talk to my mother, I have never been able to really speak to her about personal things. And I cant bring myself to tell my best friend who I love to bits because I don't want to burden her. My heart is so heavy right now. Thank you for listening

pipsy · ‎14-05-2016

Hi Nancy. You are in a bit of a catch 22 situation here. Sometimes recalling what happened is as difficult as actually living it at the time. Perhaps writing down most of what you recall might help you. Your psych is right where she says our brain quite often 'shuts down' after being attacked rather than remembering as the pain of remembering is too much for us to handle. I think I'd be inclined to tell my husband and ask him to help me tell my mother. She needs to know and she also needs to know you're not blaming her. Our parents try their best to love and protect us, but, unfortunately can't be with us 24/7. Tell your mum you love her, but definitely tell her and your husband. Hubby's initial reaction might be to harm whoever harmed you, that's understandable, he needs to 'vent' as someone he loves has been hurt. Sharing these sort of problems doesn't burden people who love you. Once you explain why you are depressed, they often tell you to reach out when you feel the need for a hug. Whoever hurt you doesn't deserve protection, don't feel guilty about telling. The abuser needs to be 'exposed' for everyone's protection. There has been a lot of media focussing on past sexual abuse and the victims have finally been able to 'talk'. You need as much emotional support as possible, perhaps getting hubby and mum into your psych, so with her/his help you might feel better telling them. Ask your psych if that would be possible.

Lynda.

geoff · ‎14-05-2016

hello Nancy, my heart goes out to you, as the burden from all of this must have such a debilitating effect on you, and as it's from your prior years it could well be suffering from PTSD, although your doctor/psychologist can only diagnose this.
The huge problem is that if you keep asking yourself questions about what happened in those terrible days then it would be a good suggestion for you find out what happened, because if you don't know, then you will be asking about them all the time, however once you do know then that's where you need help to overcome, so it's a catch-22 situation as Lynda has suggested.
These two family members need to be brought to justice, which I think you realise, but this is going to involve going to court and identifying these people, which you maybe able to do this behind a screen and have your voice simulated into a false voice.
When ever you see these two members at family functions it will create a flash-back which is going to drive you back into a depressive state of mind, that's why they need to be charged.
It's a hard call here but maybe your husband should be told, because it's something awful that you have to go through, in other words it's creating a barrier between the both of you that is going to have a detrimental affect on the intimacy of your relationship, and I mean no harm in saying this, but if you want to have children, as I don't think that you have, it's a important topic that has to be discussed, and I know how scared you would be and how angry your husband will be also, but perhaps this should be done while you are both at counselling.
I say all of this with great reservation as I know how your husband will react, but is this good for your long time relationship, because if you don't tell him and he finds out much later on then it will be worse.
I feel so sorry for you that this to have happened, it's disgraceful and disgusting to be taken advantage of when you are young, and these blighters need to pay for this.
Please can you get back to us. Geoff. x