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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Guest_85125265 Confused need guidance
  • replies: 0

I'm in a long term relationship married with kids. Things are pretty comfortable and we get along great but part of me is feeling like the lust isnt there anymore. This put more into context becuase I met another guy which my husband agreeingly knew ... View more

I'm in a long term relationship married with kids. Things are pretty comfortable and we get along great but part of me is feeling like the lust isnt there anymore. This put more into context becuase I met another guy which my husband agreeingly knew about. The connection we had was magnetic And awoke something within me. I love my partner, and my family but the chemistry when we met was undeniable. I thought maybe it was a fantasy You know the grass is greener but the more and more i over analysed this strange relationship we developed and had going i knew there was truly something pretty special. I really enjoyed being around the other man, the way he made me feel safe and understood. It felt he was there to help me, which he was. He helped me through a difficult time when I was feeling like there was no hope. He made me feel empowered and I appreciated that. He was so knowledgeable and I respected him. I guess it felt nice having a man i was attracted to treat me so well and he liked me for me despite all my faults (all the things my husband did too). His feelings grew just as mine did but knowing i couldn't go any further he cut the ties to this weird relationship we had going. He was hurt but also understood the reasons to why i couldnt leave my kids. There was clearly more to this. He lived 2hrs away, widowed with two kids of his own. I can't explain how much i loved talking to him and simply being in his presence. It wasn't necessarily all about sex. It was way more than that.I don't know how to figure out my thoughts. I'm so confused and I love my partner, and my family but at the same time I find myself breaking feeling lost as this other man has had such an impact on me for some reason. It's seriously frustrating that someone can consume my thoughts so much.

Guest_342 Are romantic relationships just not for me?
  • replies: 2

I am in my third long term relationship.In the long term relationships,I have previously found myself around the 1 year mark with a gut feeling that it is not right but feel paralysed about making a decision and end up sitting on the fence for too lo... View more

I am in my third long term relationship.In the long term relationships,I have previously found myself around the 1 year mark with a gut feeling that it is not right but feel paralysed about making a decision and end up sitting on the fence for too long out of fear of hurting feelings Often I feel it is because key values don't align.I have had bad anxiety in the past,which I keep under good control nowadays but it does sometimes creep in and I think it might sometimes cloud my judgement - I find it especially hard to distinguish between a flight response from a gut feeling that I should listen to. Also,I am nearing middle-age and have achieved my own successes all on my own to now and find it hard to allow someone into my life at this age. It's far from the teenage or early 20s dating situation where we sometimes had the luxury of time and immaturity to justify dating someone even if they weren't necessarily 'the one'.I have been with my current partner for around 10 months now. They love me, have no issues in showing affection eg hugs and holding hands kisses, they are content just being in my company and are fully committed to a life together. However, our conversations are not deep - they have trouble opening up about things (issues with their family/trauma, that I don't yet fully know about because I've not wanted to push); if I voice an opinion that I sense they don't agree with they will simply say eg "ok" and be silent (when I've said I'd love them to tell me if they have a differing opinion or don't feel comfortable with my view); they have political views such that I feel I need to walk on eggshells so as not to appear offensive; when I talk about things that are meaningful to me I often only get short responses and no active input into the discussion and quick change of subject. (Physical) intimacy-wise we have some areas of disconnect/non-alignment in terms of needs. I don't want to go into much detail here about the last one, but basically I don't feel overly desired. I have discussed this with them before but from what I can tell, it relates in our case to their level of energy not matching mine and their thoughts and stresses if the outside world also taking over too much in the moment. I want to end things if we're not right for each other, I don't want to sit on the fence and lead them on. Right now the thought of growing old with them doesn't sit well with me. How do I know if I can trust my gut? Or is this just a pattern of mine?

Guest_04062478 Mother in-law turn son against me
  • replies: 3

I have recently let my mother in law move into our house as she was supposedly been having relationship problems with her partnerSince she has been living with us my 5yr old autistic son has been lashing out and saying hurtful things to me which i kn... View more

I have recently let my mother in law move into our house as she was supposedly been having relationship problems with her partnerSince she has been living with us my 5yr old autistic son has been lashing out and saying hurtful things to me which i know he don't mean before she came along we both had a real strong bond I can't speak to my wife as she gets upset about it saying don't worry about it I don't want to leave but it is coming to that decision I don't know what I am to do about this situation..

DaveAM Wife asking me to engage with the situation with her lover
  • replies: 4

My wife and I been married for about 10 years having 2 children. She has been deeply in love with me so I have as well. She is very social person, active in her business with lots of friends which I know most of them. There has been one specific frie... View more

My wife and I been married for about 10 years having 2 children. She has been deeply in love with me so I have as well. She is very social person, active in her business with lots of friends which I know most of them. There has been one specific friend to whom my wife is in close relationship, beautiful woman , socialize person to whom my wife is in close relationship and they go out with other friends and collogues. She has been single, very professional and lovely person. In the last 3-4 years, my wife travelled with her for work and short holiday with no issue. She also invited her few time to our house for dinner who spent the night at our house and leaving the next day. Couple of times, I asked her about her boyfriend or single situation which she did not feel comfortable to address my question so I forgot that. Few times in our summer house I asked her to come into the pool and swim with us and play with children which she denied for some reasons and I did not insist neither my wife. Around few weeks ago in our villa, my wife asked me as she and her friend would like to spend sometime in sauna later in the night and would like to be alone and talking which I did not see any issue. However out of curiosity, I approached the sauna and found something shocking. They were having a physical relationship. She says she loves me and she does not want separation and I do not really know what to do. She is asking me to be a part of this romantic relationship as she cannot break up with her friend. I am very confused and need help for next action.

Mr_Worry Sticky Situation
  • replies: 2

Not sure where to post this exactly crosses a few areas….I've had the same job for 10+ years, promoted to ok salary pre inflation, secure, stable, good at it, but it has few transferable skills. I’m not ambitious, role models advised if you find a go... View more

Not sure where to post this exactly crosses a few areas….I've had the same job for 10+ years, promoted to ok salary pre inflation, secure, stable, good at it, but it has few transferable skills. I’m not ambitious, role models advised if you find a good job stick with it. My partner recently secured part time work after unemployment, overworked and under supported. Our relationship is great and fulfilling apart from one issue. We want a small house, garden, pet, occasional trip…but they don’t want it in this country. They want to move overseas to where they lived before we met here, feel isolated/trapped, no future here (I agree especially with house prices) and missing out on things over there, wants to be closer to certain places/family. I am too frightened to do this. I'm afraid we’d end up unemployed and out of money. Visa rules etc. mean no ability to ‘test the waters’. I don't have the qualifications for roles over there (require years of study whilst still working to get). I could apply for some jobs but, 80%+ cut out. Never needed qualifications, and even then don’t have experience. Forcing myself to study unwillingly wouldn’t be good, and qualifications don’t guarantee employment.It's unfair to keep them here, I should be brave, I will regret it if we don't try...Yet it’s a large risk and cost. But then I think in the long term, what is a few years of struggle to get a life we want? Yet if we fail, we could ruin our finances for nothing. I'm not a risk taker, I am a big regetter, not being bold, watching so many people leap frog at work.Seeing so many jobs I'm not qualified for is demoralising - worked for 10+ years and have no skills or experience to show for it. It’s exposed my hesitancy, complacency, lack of drive. I feel like I'm holding everything back.I’m stuck in my own inertia, wanting to do something yet too afraid to do it. Not wanting to regret not trying, but not wanting to take the very real risks, fear of making the wrong choice, knowing 'no choice' is a choice for stagnation. It’s unfair to both of us, and I don't know how to get out of it, I hope for a nugget of information that could tip the scales, none come and restrictions on time / resources are very real. It’s having physical effects - feeling overwhelmed, teary, heart racing, panicked, on top of the stress of day to day life I've always struggled with. I don't know what to do....

Ollie I am just wanting to share my story, wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar.
  • replies: 2

I have been in a very toxic relationship for three years. I have two children from a previous marriage. I met this gorgeous guys who was extremely good looking and had a high paying job, and was a father himself. The relationship dynamic was always h... View more

I have been in a very toxic relationship for three years. I have two children from a previous marriage. I met this gorgeous guys who was extremely good looking and had a high paying job, and was a father himself. The relationship dynamic was always he making promises, extravagant promises. Providing proof. Eg, booked a holiday fore to come over seas to visit him while he was away for work, then cancelled the trip two days before I was due to fly. He did this with so many things, countless holidays, cancelled me moving in twice with him. Everything was always done in the most humiliating way. He never made and effort to meet friends or family and well it was just toxic. When we would break up he'd come crying, begging me to take him back for months on end. This cycle continued to happen and I stupidly would get sucked back into the cycle. We went to councling and he had been the perfect partner, for 6 months. Everything was like a dream. What I'd always wanted. Unfortunately I lost my job and lost a family member, all these things around me started to fall apart and he was right by my side. He suggested we move in together, take the pressure off, give me time to heal and find another job. I agreed at a vulnerable time to do this. He ensured that we get rid of all of my furniture and that we just didn't need it, as all his belongings were new and nice and my things were, well daggy. I trusted him and agreed, with in one week of me handing over my long term ( cheap) rental, the arguing began and the old colours began to show. The abuse started, the nasty comments, snapping at me, talking down and using control. We had a disagreement over me being quiet, as I was hurt from the true colours starting to come to the surface, he then said get out, you need to leave. He broke things off and has asked me to vacate the property, I have no job, no income and literally no where to go. I have managed to secure some government payments but is not enough to qualify for another rental. I have zero savings and no belongings at all besides my childrens furniture we brought with us. I am petrified, shocked and can not believe I ended up in this situation. I feel so stupid for falling for this abusers abuse and traps again. But this time he got me when I was going through a really hard time and I guess vulnerable. I still can not believe I put myself in this position and I'm so angry I allowed this to happen to me. I feel so scared and there's just no where to turn. Is this abuse? Do people really do this to other people? I just can't understand it? How I let myself fall into this cycle with him again and let my guards down to be a target. I always considered myself to be smart and I'm struggling with the humiliation and hating myself. Has this happened to anyone else?

Matt2954 How to Help Someone Filled with Rage
  • replies: 8

Any Sigmund Freuds out there? This one’s right up his alley. When I say that my mother is an angry person, I want you to understand my full meaning. She is always complaining and criticising everything that she can see. Always.She is abusive to those... View more

Any Sigmund Freuds out there? This one’s right up his alley. When I say that my mother is an angry person, I want you to understand my full meaning. She is always complaining and criticising everything that she can see. Always.She is abusive to those she claims to love and an angel to strangers she’ll probably never see again.She talks continually... I really do mean that. There is not a moment that she isn't feeling the need to voice whatever she is thinking. Almost none of it is necessary or worth saying. Almost all of it is negative. Personally, I can't even imagine what it must be like to feel the need to pump negativity into the world every minute of every day. It's hard to comprehend how much energy that must take. It's hard to understand the thought process behind how one might feel this is necessary.As for my stepfather, he is a good and gentle man. But if the gender roles were reversed, their relationship would be seen as abusive and toxic. There is not an hour that passes without her screaming at him and telling him how useless and pathetic he is (he’s not by the way). But because he’s a man, not a woman, this is fine I guess.Any inquiry into why she is this way is met with instant hostility and defence. She feels she is being attacked no matter how gently the subject is broached. Attempts have been made to do nice things for her in the hope that it might lighten her mood. Any levity produced by such attempts last seconds... not minutes, and it feels like we’re just causing a bigger problem by doing this… almost rewarding her behaviour. So we quickly learned that that was a bad idea too. I would like to try to understand her better. That’s all. Maybe attempt to find a way to bring her some peace in her later years. The idea that everyone’s just going to breathe a sigh of relief when she’s gone rather than mourn is a terrible thought.Neither my brother nor I, have any desire to be in relationships or marry, having grown up witnessing this behaviour and I can’t even imagine what kind of damage might be lying underneath the obvious surface-level stuff like that. God knows we’re both probably repressing and unknowingly denying all kinds of crap. Any advice? It’s a sad situation.

Leth My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together
  • replies: 183

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feelin... View more

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling. I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start. My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot. He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need. The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life. I'm feeling fragile. I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone. My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail. The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked. I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating. Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

C_McCleod86 Starting the new year on a heartbreak.
  • replies: 4

I am 19 turning 20 in July and I'm starting the year off right. Miserable and heartbroken. I met this girl via a mutual acquaintance and we didn't really hit it off until t around November. We didn't really talk because she had a boyfriend at the tim... View more

I am 19 turning 20 in July and I'm starting the year off right. Miserable and heartbroken. I met this girl via a mutual acquaintance and we didn't really hit it off until t around November. We didn't really talk because she had a boyfriend at the time and I was respectful of her relationship and didn't want to come between that. Anyways she texted me at the start of December, and through December to January, We were talking a lot and I even went around to her place to watch some movies. We didn't do anything because I didn't want to pressure her into anything that she didn't want to do (except watch Star Wars, which she enjoyed ) And we even went to go see a movie in cinemas together. Anyways around New Year's she decided that she was not emotionally available for me and that she didn't want to see me anymore. This particularly hurt because of how much we had in common and I felt like I had finally found someone who didn't shame me for the nerdy crap that I like. I told her that it was fine that she didn't want to be romantic but she did want to still be friends, which for some reason I thought was a good idea. Anyways, we were talking and I suggested that we both refrain from watching a movie until we were both in the same room, preferably through our mutual acquaintance but she said that it wasn't a good idea. She then went on a tirade about how she didn't want to be rude but she had no interest in being with me at the present moment despite me being completely respectful of her wishes and desires it was at this moment. I decided that I could no longer be in contact with her because I would continue to get my hopes up about a potential future but I have been miserable ever since. My work days drag on, I have trouble sleeping and my appetite seems to be non existent. I feel like I've rushed this and left out important details so if there's any confusion and you want me to elaborate I'm more than happy to. I just wanted to know if there were any tricks to help me focus on something else. I've been working out 5 days a week I've read two books in the last month and I've started playing guitar and piano, but when I go to bed at night all I can do is think about her and how maybe I could have done anything different.

Earth Girl A bit confused with what happened with this date
  • replies: 7

Several years ago, I sent one of my Facebook friends a happy birthday message on Facebook through messenger and he thanked me and asked me if I wanted to go out with him. (I think this was a bit after he broke up with another girl he was in a close r... View more

Several years ago, I sent one of my Facebook friends a happy birthday message on Facebook through messenger and he thanked me and asked me if I wanted to go out with him. (I think this was a bit after he broke up with another girl he was in a close relationship with). I was surprised and said yes because I had a crush on him when we were in college and still found him kind of attractive so I wanted to see how things would go. On the day that we went out, he drove me to the mall and we had lunch, but most of the time he was on his phone talking and texting his friends so I got really nervous and was wondering if he asked me out as a bet or a dare. We went to see a movie afterwards and he was still on his phone for a lot of it. I'm a bit confused as to why he was on his phone so much? Afterwards he drove me back home and said "Thanks for doing this with me, and I'll call you." A month had past and he didn't call me so I messaged him on Facebook and was asking him how he was and he kept ignoring it. After a few months I messaged him saying that it was okay if he didn't want to continue this relationship if he didn't want to and he said "I was just really busy with work and I never knew we were dating." And then I said "Oh, okay, that is awkward." And just 5 minutes after this he posted on Facebook saying "Any single girls up for a chat" which kind of hurt. I know he doesn't have to continue going out with me, but it was so soon after we just spoke and I just got clarification of what was going on. A few years after this, I told my sister about it and she explained to me that there's a different between dating and going on a date. So what are the rules when it comes to going on a date? Do you just assume that it's not going to continue if they don't talk to you? People say he asks girls out a lot so I think he may have gone out with me as more of a fun thing rather than a serious thing.