Relationship and family issues

I don't know how to fix things with someone i care about

replies: 0

A couple days ago I had a really bad fight with my dad, it triggered a massive panic attack and long story short I was taken to emergency because they thought i was trying to end my life. I mean the thought did cross my mind, but I couldn't do it and... View more

A couple days ago I had a really bad fight with my dad, it triggered a massive panic attack and long story short I was taken to emergency because they thought i was trying to end my life. I mean the thought did cross my mind, but I couldn't do it and somehow that's the worst part. I don't want to die I just wish all the bad things that happen to us would stop, that we could talk about it, that we go move on, but i can't see how that's possible from where i'm standing. So much has happened to us and we just keep going around in circles blaming each other and hurting each other going over the same never ending list of shitty things we do and say over and over. The relationship I have with my dad is the only one I care about, he's the only family I have and right now I feel like I broke it, I tried to talk to him and he told me that he doesn't think I'm capable of ever caring about others more than myself, that if I had just tried harder and not given up that it would've been fine. Now this post is missing a lot of important context but my dad isn't a bad person he really loves me and I know he's probably going out of his mind because of the other night, and I also know that none of that is true and he knows it isn't true either because that just isn't who I am. So now I'm sitting here writing all of this because I guess I'm wondering if this is my fault. Is wanting to end your life a choice someone makes that hurts the people around them or is it something you do because you're in a lot of pain and don't know what else to do.

Work issues, need advice

replies: 1

I’ve been in this job for about three months now. I’ve just had my three month review and the feedback was good except for when it comes to me being more reserved, my manager said that I’m quiet and reserved and sometimes just come in and say hello t... View more

I’ve been in this job for about three months now. I’ve just had my three month review and the feedback was good except for when it comes to me being more reserved, my manager said that I’m quiet and reserved and sometimes just come in and say hello to everyone do my job and go home. There has been some issues over the past few months where I’ve been left out of some things at work or have felt like I’m not really made to feel part of the team. This review meeting was only last week so since then I’ve really tried to engage a lot more and join conversations throughout the day, not that I didn’t do that before, but obviously that was some feedback that I need to be doing more of that so that’s what I’ve done. I’ve now been told today that I no longer report to that manager and I now report to my colleague, who’s now my manager. She’s 20 and doesn’t have any experience. I’m 31 for context and have over eight years of experience in this industry. I had a meeting with her today and she has now got me reporting every afternoon and telling her every single thing that I’ve done throughout the day and what my priorities are for tomorrow. We also have a leadership development program where I work. It’s only just been run for the first time. They’ve now selected the group of people that are going to do it next year. I’m not one of them and one person who has been selected has been there for less time than I’ve been working there and another person has literally only been there for two days. I really don’t know what else I can do. Even before this colleague became my manager today I had a chat with her last week to ask what I could do differently or how I could engage more in the workplace. Not that I don’t already do that. I do engage in things, but I asked her what could I do differently to be shown to be taking initiative? She gave some feedback and I’ve been doing that. I really don’t know what else to do. I’m looking for other work but there are no jobs in this area at the moment. I guess I just would like some advice from people who have gone through something similar or have any advice on what I should do because it’s really starting to affect my mood, I feel really depressed and it’s starting to affect my personal life outside of work.

Surviving a Severe Romance Scam: 2 Years of Love, Loss, and Grief

replies: 15

Part 1: The Connection, My Reality, and the Early Days The moment I saw her photo on social media, well I just knew that I had to text her and find out more about her. To me it was a very down to earth photo and she had a very caring and kind face, s... View more

Part 1: The Connection, My Reality, and the Early Days The moment I saw her photo on social media, well I just knew that I had to text her and find out more about her. To me it was a very down to earth photo and she had a very caring and kind face, she got my attention right away. It was not a habit of mine to go looking at ladies profiles and then send them a text message, just because I found them attractive. However, with this lady things were different, I just had to let her know who I was.I had been in a relationship for over 25 years and separated for the last 4 years, but still living under the one roof, as we both owned the house out right we were living in. Before the separation it had been a relationship with no intimacy or affection for a least three years, so no affection shown to me at all for about seven years total and still none. As someone that finds affection a major part of a relationship and even outside of it, something I needed and craved for, things have been very hard for me. I have longed to be happy and to find that very special person in my life, as I was not getting any younger and wanted the remainder of my life to be a great experience for happiness and togetherness. I am tired of being so lonely and being on my own in my bed at night for so long, with no one to hold next to me and to wake up in the morning with.I was not out looking through profiles of women, nor had that been the intention on the night I saw her photo. She never sent me a personal message, it was me that found her, there she was, a beautiful Korean lady. I decided to send her a message, introducing myself, it was not long before she sent me a message back. At the start, like in first talking to someone it was small talk to get to know each other a little bit better. She told me how she had just got back from the USA and was now back in Seoul, Korea, where she owned a clothing store.I thought to myself that this was as far as things were going to go, because she was so stylish and glamorous and I could not equal that. However, I took the risk and told her that I was not working, due to injuring my back as a nurse a few years back and that I was on a disability pension and also went on to tell her that from there, I now suffer from anxiety disorder and clinical depression. To my surprise, she was very accepting of this and wished to know more about me, by that time I was already starting to think that I had finally found someone very special indeed.Over the next few months in texting each other every day, morning and night. We began to learn about what we each liked in a partner and what we didn't. We also shared our values, beliefs and expectations in a relationship from the start and in the future. I was very honest with her, open and upfront, because I had learnt from previous relationships how important that was at the start of a relationship. This was something that continued to remain throughout the online long distance relationship. I fell in love with "her" for 2 years, every day communication. I shared so much of my life with her. I was so looking forward to being with her finally, I was happy for once.This is so hard . I miss texting her and receiving her texts. She was all I had, she even gave me comfort when my ex was giving me a hard time. She often asked how I was, gave me good advice and words of support when I was unwell. She often also told me how hard she had been working at the store to get things in order. Ready for her to come to my country. That sometimes when she got home from work at about 12am my time. She would be so tired and had been getting a sore back lately. I told her to take it easy at work and give herself time to have breaks. She only had one staff member and it seemed like she was doing the role of more than one position. Then when she came home from work. I often asked her how her day was and she did mine as well. After this she would go silent for a bit. But the moment I text her, it would not be long before I heard from her again. [Note: This is a 3-part post. Parts 2 and 3 will be posted in the replies below as soon as this thread is approved.]

Marriage breakup + kids

replies: 928

Hi So my wife and I met in high school and have been together for 24 years, married for 14 years. Over the past 8 years or so (after second child, now was born, we have had some ups and downs. I would just sometimes have a go at her about random stuf... View more

Hi So my wife and I met in high school and have been together for 24 years, married for 14 years. Over the past 8 years or so (after second child, now was born, we have had some ups and downs. I would just sometimes have a go at her about random stuff; money, clothes or food. Then she would try and talk to me and I was too pigheaded and wouldn't really listen. Now the time has come where she has had enough and wants to sell our new and amazing house, separate into smaller houses/units and rent. We share the custody of our two kids. I am really scared about telling the kids and don't think I can be there for that process. They will be devastated. I have been trying to say sorry to my wife via emails, text, chatting, video montages and poems but she tells me to stop and that she doesn't love me anymore. She said as I keep hassling her about getting back together, she doesn't even like me and the thought of talking to me or seeing me makes her physically ill. She also said that because I am making her angry, the shared custody will be so much harder. I have been trying to show her over the past few weeks the new me. I have been calm, positive (as best I can in this situation) and more composed. I would sometimes shout at the kids for being silly but now I use a calm voice always (even when they test my patience). I haven't been sleeping much and not eating hardly at all for 5 days (lost 4.5kg), due to being nauseous and anxious. We have just communicated over email and she doesn't even want me to talk to her anymore or make dinner or hot drinks. I responded with I would like to keep doing it. I told her I still love her and apologise a lot for making her angry, when that is not my intention. I am really scared of not being with her anymore and not living her. I love her so much, even when she verbally attacks me and says she doesn't love me anymore. I can't rely on my parents as they are away and my wife and my parents never really got along. They kind of caused a lot of the tension and some of the reasons we fought. How am I going to get through this?

Family/in laws/

replies: 2

Trying to get my wife to understand i grew up with little to no contact with extended family, (dads family on other side of country and mum didn't speak to hers for large chunks of my childhood) my parents separated when i was 10 and i was living wit... View more

Trying to get my wife to understand i grew up with little to no contact with extended family, (dads family on other side of country and mum didn't speak to hers for large chunks of my childhood) my parents separated when i was 10 and i was living with my father by 14, (just the 2 of us) i no longer speak to my mother (6+ years) my sister (3+ years) and have little contact with my half brother (a few messages a year he is 12 years my junior) and have never been close to the rest of the family. Dad died 4.5 years ago. For a variety of reasons am largely estranged from the people who where my friends/family. She has invited her sons extended family for Christmas (something im not fond of and dont make a big deal about) and is angry that my opinion was fine i will prep and go away so i don't have to deal with the 7 or 8 people who zero connection to me. IAm i being unreasonable?

Unfaithful husband

replies: 4

I recently found out that my husband has been cheating again, this time he was on gay dating apps, he claims he isn’t gay in any way, he just wanted to try something different.I caught him cheating around 2 years ago on other dating apps. He had also... View more

I recently found out that my husband has been cheating again, this time he was on gay dating apps, he claims he isn’t gay in any way, he just wanted to try something different.I caught him cheating around 2 years ago on other dating apps. He had also been saving videos and photos of women, which is how he was caught, he accidentally showed me stuff when he was trying to show me something else. From there I found out that he had been sleeping with prostitutes as well. He worked away (truck driver) so he was able to do this on a regular basis. He also has an addiction to porn. After finding out about his recent cheating, he admitted to me that he had been regularly having sex with prostitutes in the first 5 years of us being together. I had found out about it earlier but he denied it and said my information was wrong, it clearly wasn’t.He has been verbally abusive towards me over the years, and has also been verbally abusive towards my older children from my previous marriage. His mother is also very abusive, she has abused myself and my older children multiple times. In recent times she has started to abuse my husband as well.We have 2 boys together 2 & 4, our youngest has health problems and I am unable to work, which is incredibly hard as I don’t have any support. My husband has also stolen money from me, I sold my car to rebuild my older car, and he spent it all behind my back. It was only when I went to use it, and was unable to that I discovered he had used it all without permission ($55,000) he was very angry at me at first for being upset about it, but after a little while he said he was sorry. He has put us in a financial mess because of his spending on prostitutes and other stupid things. After finding out about his latest cheating he say’s that it is like a light bulb has switched and he no longer has any desire to be with anyone but me and he will do whatever it takes to make me trust him and fall in love with him again, but how do I do that? How do I believe someone that was so quick to do the wrong thing to me in the first place? Can people change? He say’s he wants to be a better person, husband and father. Has anyone ever been through this or something similar and did they change, did things settle? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He has also decided to block his mother from our lives because she has been so horrible towards all of us.

Partner says he doesnt think he can do this anymore

replies: 2

My husband said to me yesterday that he doesnt think he can do this anymore. He doesnt think he can move past the hurt. We have been in marriage counselling and both hurt each other over the years. I dont think we each have really let go of past hurt... View more

My husband said to me yesterday that he doesnt think he can do this anymore. He doesnt think he can move past the hurt. We have been in marriage counselling and both hurt each other over the years. I dont think we each have really let go of past hurts.I am a mess and feel broken. Just reaching out to others.. I dont have anyone to talk to.

From everything to nothing

replies: 3

Hi all, I hope you’re all doing well. A few months back, my then partner decided to call me out of the blue and end the relationship. Neither I nor any of the people I had in my life could expect it. From the outside we seemed like the perfect couple... View more

Hi all, I hope you’re all doing well. A few months back, my then partner decided to call me out of the blue and end the relationship. Neither I nor any of the people I had in my life could expect it. From the outside we seemed like the perfect couple, and I felt that was the case too. It turned out she’d been holding in some resentment about something that had happened literal months ago. Between then and the breakup, I’d made multiple deliberate reminders that she could always come to me to work out our problems and that I’d rather talk through something than let it push us apart. Despite my efforts, that’s exactly what ended up happening. It really sucks. It’s been a few months and I haven’t been able to get better or move on, and it’s impacting every part of my daily life, partly, I reckon, because she was connected to every part of my life. She was my everything… until she wasn’t. I’m really struggling with all this, and I’m being absolutely consumed by it all. I personally feel that if we’d been trying to work our way through this all and both felt like we couldn’t do anything, I’d feel better, but I never had the chance to fix it and I didn’t even know this issue was a problem until she’d already pulled the plug. I hate feeling like this and so I’ve tried everything I can do to get past this and get better: sleeping and eating right, exercising, socialising, keeping up hobbies, journaling, etc but I’m still stuck. I’ve never been through this before so I don’t know what to expect or how to get through this. After reading my ramble, what do you have to say? If you’ve bee theough something similar in the past, what do you wish someone had told you then? Much appreciated, thanks in advance for all your insight.

Feeling hopeless about moving my relationship forward due to complex issues with my family

replies: 3

I'm in my early twenties and about three years ago, I got into my first relationship. My partner is much older than me, which I am okay with. I come from a South Asian background, and cultural issues coupled with valid concerns from my family are aff... View more

I'm in my early twenties and about three years ago, I got into my first relationship. My partner is much older than me, which I am okay with. I come from a South Asian background, and cultural issues coupled with valid concerns from my family are affecting my relationship. It doesn't help that I still live with them. We met while I was living alone for uni. My family moved to my city from overseas, which was a long term plan for all of us. I didn't tell them we when we met because it was still new in every way, and I didn't have much to write home about. I'd been staying over at my now partner's an odd night here or there. I called my family nearly every day at the time. A few weeks after we met, I happened to pick up their call. They discovered I wasn't home but at a stranger's place, and they freaked out. On their insistence, I was dropped home that night. Shortly after, they somehow discovered my partner's number and sent them calls. It was alarming. When they arrived and my partner met them, they were open but distant. We didn't disclose the extent of the age gap, which they were uncomfortable with. When I moved back, I stopped staying over, which put a strain on a young relationship. It was unprecedented for my partner. Over the next year, it was difficult to negotiate developing our relationship. Christmas that year, my family discovered the extent of our age gap and since then they were insistent on meeting my partner, whom they'd message whenever I was out with my partner, in the middle of my fighting with them for me to stay over, and on odd weekends requesting a chat, which my partner declined due to discomfort with the way they discovered my partner's contact info, requesting my partner's full work details and home address. This was less than a year in. A personal matter was ensuing for my partner who was in grief at the time. This lack of honesty upfront, owing to fear and uncertainty, developed into major disapproval. My partner was polite and tolerant but would not concede to meet up, believing that my family would request us to separate, which one of my parents did indeed insist on a handful of times. So our second year together passed. In all this time I did not stay over with my partner.

Excessive empathy - leading to expectations

replies: 4

Empathy, to be considerate, to walk in their shoes is an amazing trait that my father taught me. To forecast how it would be like to go through someone elses situation is, I believe, one of my qualities and could be yours also because those with ment... View more

Empathy, to be considerate, to walk in their shoes is an amazing trait that my father taught me. To forecast how it would be like to go through someone elses situation is, I believe, one of my qualities and could be yours also because those with mental health issues are often sensitive, kind and reach out when others think twice. That makes you a great friend but if your empathy is excessive you also run the risk of smothering someone with love. Just as importantly these receivers likely wont have any chance of returning your high level of care, then it becomes a one sided friendship. In most cases one doesnt reach out to receive anything in return but being human when a real need appears, eg if you have depression or a family trauma you would assume that same person you've reached out for many years would be there for you right? To at least listen and some advice. Not necessarily. I'm 70yo and know from many years of experience that for me I'm far better off reducing my friendships to include only those that I know will be there for me. That's not the fault of the ones I've discarded, it's the fragile nature of my needs. To include a person as a friend that is one way, is to categorise that friendship wrongly, they're an acquaintance and as such I should not have the expectations of them as a "friend". I imagine this pigeon holing is automatic with the normal person but isnt with me and might not be with you. If it isnt and you have expectations of them as a friend you open yourself up to being hurt when the real need for support comes along. So what can you do? Limiting people classified as friends (those that will drop things to help you) is one thing that can help, this small circle might widen and contract but often it means you could count them on one hand. Also we with mental health issues can appear needy, we can overload people with issues they cannot visualise which could mean they dont have the capacity to relate, that can be frustrating and they'll pull away finding us "hard work". Finally, these people have their own issues, they too might have a stretched life helping others or why they cant offer support. That's why I included that a persons incapacity to help might not be their lack of empathy, they cant spread it far and wide. Empathy is the aces in a deck of cards. But for some the rest of the pack is just as important and thats ok, seek your support on this forum or professionally, not all are so empathetic... just different. Thoughts? TonyWK

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Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

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