Parenting guilt causing depressive episodes

[LSM]

I am a mother and I love my children but I have constant guilt about the fact that my mental heath issues and disabilities that I didn’t know I had have been passed to them. I don’t know how to work past this. I feel so guilty that I have bought them to this world and they are suffering like I did as a child and I hate that I can’t take it back. I don’t want to change them I just want life to be easier for them because I know how hard it was for me. Why couldn’t their fathers genes have won why did they have to be like me 

I have diagnosed depression, anxiety and ADHD and undiagnosed autism. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist but I can’t break these feelings of guilt and unworthiness 

I feel like I am never able to get things right. I try and make things they will eat and they don’t like it. I make things I know they like and something always seems to go wrong I don’t know if this is all in my head but I feel so broken and guilty and I hate it. 

[therising]

Hi LSM

You sound like a very conscious and caring mum. While such traits are truly beautiful traits for a mother to have, I've found (as a mum myself), they're also traits we can suffer through at times. To be highly conscious of our own struggles and our children's struggles and to never be free from caring so deeply can come with so many different challenges.

I think one of the many great things about kids is how they can push us to address our own challenges. It's like 'I've always struggled with this or that but now that I see my kids suffering through some of those things, I now need to address those things, manage/master them and go on to show my kids how to manage/master them'. So while we may have avoided certain forms of self understanding and self development in the past, the love we have for our kids is the one thing that's going to push us to now make a difference. To say this can be hard work is an understatement. Greater self understanding and self development would have to be 2 of the greatest challenges in life because they're ongoing. Occasionally we need a break from that kind of hard work and we need to be patient and kind toward our self throughout the whole process.

Definitely confronting at times when our kids become our mirror. There are times where I think 'Through my children's struggles I see what I lack. Through their struggles with focus and self discipline, I see the focus and self discipline I lack. Through their struggles with sensitivity (being able to sense so easily), I see that I lack the skills I need for sensing strategically. Through their struggles with managing their nature, I see that I lack a greater sense of understanding when it comes to my own nature'. The list goes on. These are all areas of self development to be explored.

If it's of any help, I've managed to change my definition of 'guilt' over the past handful of years. I found I was just suffering way too much when it came to how I traditionally felt a sense of guilt. I now find a sense of guilt to be extremely helpful to me, when I consider it's asking me to explore my beliefs or ways of thinking. For example, if I was to think 'I wish to serve myself' and a sense of guilt comes in with that thought, it can lead me to question why serving myself under those circumstances is a bad thing. A sense of guilt may actually help me wake up to what is actually a destructive and depressing belief and that is 'You must always put yourself last, after everyone else'. I've found a handy question to be 'What is guilt asking me to become more conscious of in this situation I face?' or 'What is it trying to wake me up to?'. 

I smile when I say that if life is about learning, motherhood is the equivalent of higher education 😁. It's hard work, incredibly hard work at times. It can feel incredibly stressful and even depressing on occasion. It can be a relief to get together with others and discuss just how challenging the work can be.

[LSM]

My guilt is in putting them through what I went through without help as an undiagnosed. I know my little person is lucky to be diagnosed now and be able to get the support but while we wait for the support I am being the default for them to regulate and I struggle with that myself and I feel guilt and sometimes anger that I can’t help them because I have not been able to learn the skills myself. We have been very lucky with finding assistance for my little one from the get go I know not everyone gets that easily. And I have found help for myself but I wish I could learn to deal with it in myself so I can help little one more easily 

[therising]

Hi LSM

I know it's easy for me to say but you have to be much kinder to yourself. If you're in the process of learning how you work, it's not an easy process and can take a long time. While you may be able to relate to some or even a lot of what you're learning about your child and how that relates to you personally, not everything may be relatable. Tips and skills may need to be tailored to suit you, as an individual. We're all different.

When it comes to developing together, our child and our self, I've found it to be a lot easier now that my kids are grown (19yo son and 22yo daughter). It's now easier for them to put into words how they feel and what they experience, compared to when they were much younger. While my son struggles with some of the challenges that come with being at the high end of the autism spectrum, my daughter struggles with some of the challenges that come with being on the ADHD spectrum. We have some fascinating conversations that can lead to some incredible revelations. As I say, you need to be much kinder to yourself based on one of the reasons for the struggle involving your child not being able to easily verbalise their struggles or challenges. Putting things into words can be a hard thing to achieve at times. Once we do manage this, some things can become a lot more obvious. 

You have got to give yourself a massive amount of credit for finding guides for your child so early in life, people to lead them to find ways of managing. You're a great mum for doing this, setting up this support. Your child will find a greater sense of ease later in life based on what you're managing to do for them now.

Not sure if it will help but there's an organisation known as 'Reframing Autism'. It's a very positive and empowering organisation.