Parenting guilt causing depressive episodes

[LSM]

I am a mother and I love my children but I have constant guilt about the fact that my mental heath issues and disabilities that I didn’t know I had have been passed to them. I don’t know how to work past this. I feel so guilty that I have bought them to this world and they are suffering like I did as a child and I hate that I can’t take it back. I don’t want to change them I just want life to be easier for them because I know how hard it was for me. Why couldn’t their fathers genes have won why did they have to be like me 

I have diagnosed depression, anxiety and ADHD and undiagnosed autism. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist but I can’t break these feelings of guilt and unworthiness 

I feel like I am never able to get things right. I try and make things they will eat and they don’t like it. I make things I know they like and something always seems to go wrong I don’t know if this is all in my head but I feel so broken and guilty and I hate it. 

[therising]

Hi LSM

You sound like a very conscious and caring mum. While such traits are truly beautiful traits for a mother to have, I've found (as a mum myself), they're also traits we can suffer through at times. To be highly conscious of our own struggles and our children's struggles and to never be free from caring so deeply can come with so many different challenges.

I think one of the many great things about kids is how they can push us to address our own challenges. It's like 'I've always struggled with this or that but now that I see my kids suffering through some of those things, I now need to address those things, manage/master them and go on to show my kids how to manage/master them'. So while we may have avoided certain forms of self understanding and self development in the past, the love we have for our kids is the one thing that's going to push us to now make a difference. To say this can be hard work is an understatement. Greater self understanding and self development would have to be 2 of the greatest challenges in life because they're ongoing. Occasionally we need a break from that kind of hard work and we need to be patient and kind toward our self throughout the whole process.

Definitely confronting at times when our kids become our mirror. There are times where I think 'Through my children's struggles I see what I lack. Through their struggles with focus and self discipline, I see the focus and self discipline I lack. Through their struggles with sensitivity (being able to sense so easily), I see that I lack the skills I need for sensing strategically. Through their struggles with managing their nature, I see that I lack a greater sense of understanding when it comes to my own nature'. The list goes on. These are all areas of self development to be explored.

If it's of any help, I've managed to change my definition of 'guilt' over the past handful of years. I found I was just suffering way too much when it came to how I traditionally felt a sense of guilt. I now find a sense of guilt to be extremely helpful to me, when I consider it's asking me to explore my beliefs or ways of thinking. For example, if I was to think 'I wish to serve myself' and a sense of guilt comes in with that thought, it can lead me to question why serving myself under those circumstances is a bad thing. A sense of guilt may actually help me wake up to what is actually a destructive and depressing belief and that is 'You must always put yourself last, after everyone else'. I've found a handy question to be 'What is guilt asking me to become more conscious of in this situation I face?' or 'What is it trying to wake me up to?'. 

I smile when I say that if life is about learning, motherhood is the equivalent of higher education 😁. It's hard work, incredibly hard work at times. It can feel incredibly stressful and even depressing on occasion. It can be a relief to get together with others and discuss just how challenging the work can be.

[LSM]

My guilt is in putting them through what I went through without help as an undiagnosed. I know my little person is lucky to be diagnosed now and be able to get the support but while we wait for the support I am being the default for them to regulate and I struggle with that myself and I feel guilt and sometimes anger that I can’t help them because I have not been able to learn the skills myself. We have been very lucky with finding assistance for my little one from the get go I know not everyone gets that easily. And I have found help for myself but I wish I could learn to deal with it in myself so I can help little one more easily 

[therising]

Hi LSM

I know it's easy for me to say but you have to be much kinder to yourself. If you're in the process of learning how you work, it's not an easy process and can take a long time. While you may be able to relate to some or even a lot of what you're learning about your child and how that relates to you personally, not everything may be relatable. Tips and skills may need to be tailored to suit you, as an individual. We're all different.

When it comes to developing together, our child and our self, I've found it to be a lot easier now that my kids are grown (19yo son and 22yo daughter). It's now easier for them to put into words how they feel and what they experience, compared to when they were much younger. While my son struggles with some of the challenges that come with being at the high end of the autism spectrum, my daughter struggles with some of the challenges that come with being on the ADHD spectrum. We have some fascinating conversations that can lead to some incredible revelations. As I say, you need to be much kinder to yourself based on one of the reasons for the struggle involving your child not being able to easily verbalise their struggles or challenges. Putting things into words can be a hard thing to achieve at times. Once we do manage this, some things can become a lot more obvious. 

You have got to give yourself a massive amount of credit for finding guides for your child so early in life, people to lead them to find ways of managing. You're a great mum for doing this, setting up this support. Your child will find a greater sense of ease later in life based on what you're managing to do for them now.

Not sure if it will help but there's an organisation known as 'Reframing Autism'. It's a very positive and empowering organisation.

[LSM]

We have been approved for more support for her which I am hoping will help. it is also hard as her older brother cannot understand why she is treated differently or why I appear harder on him than on her. I try to explain it but he keeps saying you’re making excuses for her. I want to help them both and being the default parent is exhausting and stressful as I am sure you know. Dad can only do so much for her before she looses it and then my time with her brother is cut short I feel inadequate a lot of the time and guilt that I can not be what they both need. I am sure as time goes by and she and I both learn coping skills it will help but so many times I feel like giving up. But she is what stops me from giving up because I know how much she needs me to fight for her. 
thank you for your words of support and encouragement therising 

[therising]

Hi LSM

So glad to hear you've gained the extra support for her, which means extra support for you too in many ways.

It can definitely be tough in a number of ways for the sibling who appears to be more independent. As mums, we can naturally feel a stronger bond with the child who needs us the most. With our child who can look after themself more easily, we can leave them alone to look after themself a percentage of the time. With my kids being older now, my daughter's able to better put into words what that felt like for her when she was growing up. We've had a number of talks about it over the years, which have included me taking ownership of that (being someone who put her 2nd, when she needed to be given the most attention at times). Another reason for the stronger bond with my son comes down to something you touched on. I could relate to his nature in a lot of ways and never wanted him to struggle with what I found challenging myself. Also, my daughter's first 3 years of life were at the tail end of my years in long term depression. My son was 8 weeks old when I finally came out of it. Because of the depression, I wasn't able to form as strong a bond with her in the beginning of her life. My daughter and I have touched deeply on the challenges we both faced together while she was growing up, which have led to some tears and some hugs and a very healthy amount of mutual respect and compassion which has been developed. I have a very strong relationship with her now and we're good friends who are very supportive of each other.

Looking back, I would have done some things differently when my kids were growing up, with the first including having their father more involved in their life. While my husband and I were happy to raise our kids 'old school', with him providing the income and me being a stay at home mum for decade or so, looking back I can say the traditional way is not entirely the best way. Traditionally, fathers left a lot of the raising up to the mother, which meant they were less involved in their children's lives (not all dads of course). The mental, emotional and soulful needs of the kids were often left to the mother. I believe the other parent has got to step up on occasion. Even if their attitude is 'You step up for the child who needs the most attention and I'll be there for the one who's not getting what they need at times' that's better than the other parent doing next to nothing for their kids, outside of providing an income. This also helps with the relationship the parents share with each other. Can't help but love someone who offers us relief and can't help but love someone who mentally, emotionally and soulfully helps raise our child or children in incredible ways.

While there was resentment from my daughter, regarding the attention my son received growing up, she is now one of his greatest supporters. If not for her pushing me, I'm not sure he would have ever received an official diagnosis of autism, which has proven to come as a great relief for him. His revelation came as 'There is absolutely nothing wrong with me, I simply have a neurodivergent brain that needs to be managed in certain ways'. Up until then, he believed there was so much wrong with him. Goes to show, we can't always trust everything we believe about our self (especially the depressing stuff). ❤️

[Adelaide90]

Hi there. I myself am also a mum of two. I am recently diagnosed ASD/ADHD after noticing similarities to my kids who are also both diagnosed. Combined with anxiety and depression I can honestly say that I feel the same feelings of guilt that you feel and just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I unfortunately don't have answers as I'm struggling a lot at the moment, but just wanted to reach out ❤️

[LSM]

As sucky as it is, it does make me feel a bit better knowing that the struggle is not just mine. I have actually gone for a walk on my own after loosing my absolute basket tonight. Currently sitting near a pond close to home listening to the frogs and cicadas and an animal climbing around a palm tree to re focus. So seeing your message has added to the calm.