Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Srouls11 Loosing everything
  • replies: 5

With the swipe of a pen the local Sargent has issued a family violence safety notice and I immediately have been separated from my wife of 20 years and our 4 beautiful children. I cannot talk or see her or the children or go home. She has shut my bus... View more

With the swipe of a pen the local Sargent has issued a family violence safety notice and I immediately have been separated from my wife of 20 years and our 4 beautiful children. I cannot talk or see her or the children or go home. She has shut my business down that we worked together (her admin me tradie) sold my car, sold all my tools (tradesman) about $8000 worth. Having a garage sale on weekends where all my stuff will be sold probably. She needs the money is what I hear from her family. I am labelled an abuser and rejected by her family and society. I know FV is unaccetable and I'm not going to ever expressing my innnosence but I must be at the lower end of the scale. Her perception of my behaviour has caused her to be fearfully and BAM I'm violent. Relationship has been under pressure with me sustaining a work place injury, taking time off, money problems etc. I understand why men take their lives.

That Other Guy Saving my marriage
  • replies: 3

18 months ago my wife announced she couldn't stay with me any more. 12 months ago we stayed together on the basis we had an open relationship. Over 6 months I formed a relationship with someone else that was not really consumated (one failed attempt)... View more

18 months ago my wife announced she couldn't stay with me any more. 12 months ago we stayed together on the basis we had an open relationship. Over 6 months I formed a relationship with someone else that was not really consumated (one failed attempt). When that started getting serious my wife pulled the plug but insisted she had a free pass to still see someone because I kind of had. She had a pretty full on encounter with another guy, and then assumed they could stay friends. I stopped talking to my friend and she stopped talking to hers We have not lived together for 6 years, first because of study, then work. She said we'd start to see each other week on week off, but this month I will see her twice, both times for three days. One has happened, she made clear I was her last priority and I had one morning with her. At the start of last year I felt sure no woman would ever talk to me, but in the open scenario I met many women who were interested in me, so I don't feel insecure any more. But I feel terrified to lose my long term marriage all the same. There are days I feel I can take this and days I can't. I don't know what to do. My wife won't leave, she gets everything she wants, she is in control and keeps me at arms lentgh most of the time. I want us to stay together but I am not sure if what we have, is what I wanted.....

bluebee2016 Almost 40, Single, Living with parents, no kids, no savings, NO HOPE
  • replies: 7

So I'm 2 years off 40, I live with my parents (having moved back in after elective surgery 1.5years ago), I own a car (given to me by my parents after I was in a car accident), I have no savings (having been unemployed for a couple of years because p... View more

So I'm 2 years off 40, I live with my parents (having moved back in after elective surgery 1.5years ago), I own a car (given to me by my parents after I was in a car accident), I have no savings (having been unemployed for a couple of years because people see my age and ASSUME i'm going to get pregnant and leave and yes several people said that to my face in interviews), I'm single and I've never had kids (not by choice but because I've never met anyone who actually likes me). I'm trying my best to think of new goals for a new future as a person who can't have kids or is never going to have a family of their own. I look at housing sites and realise I will NEVER be able to afford my own home and because I have a dog (one of my sole reason's for living) I can't even find a house to rent (no pets allowed). I have a job now but it's just another boring run of the mill jobs, not that I had any choice in trying to find something that I would actually enjoy doing after looking for so long. I feel useless and worthless and can't see any purpose to life and living if no matter what I do I can't change where I am. I'm really trying to think my way out of this but I can't even find joy in the little things anymore like walking the dog or going to the movies. I was trying to organise a holiday with a friend for New Years and I was getting excited until I looked at my budget and realised I can't afford it. I started seeing an IVF specialist thinking it would be my last shot for a family, but I can't afford the treatment either. So my question, I guess, is what do I do now? How do you look to the future through a sad, old and lonely spinsters lens? I feel like I understand why so many women drink at this age but I've just had surgery to lose 45kg and that's the only goal I've managed to achieve in the last 7 years. Am I just lonely? Or just depressed? Or just grieving at the loss of my youth? I feel like I'm grieving over the loss of a future self; the self I've imagined for so long, the person I was always excited to become and realising I am the COMPLETE opposite of that image and it is too late to change. I read somewhere the other day that we should define ourselves by the experiences we want in the world. Well I feel like the only experiences I want are ones that involve other people but they are the experiences that have eluded my for almost 40years. Sorry for rambling, got any advice?

dragonstar Supporting my partner
  • replies: 4

My partner is experiencing depression and anxiety and I am wanting to support him in anyway I can. He is of the belief that he just has to 'ride it out' and has cut off communication with me. I am in NSW and he is in Tasmania at the moment. I have ex... View more

My partner is experiencing depression and anxiety and I am wanting to support him in anyway I can. He is of the belief that he just has to 'ride it out' and has cut off communication with me. I am in NSW and he is in Tasmania at the moment. I have experienced depression and anxiety myself and have tried to apply the same support that my family gave me to help me through the tough times, unfortunately my partner won't talk to me about how he is feeling and what he is going through. He tells me he is a liability at the moment and that scares me as he is the most beautiful kind person I know. I am looking for ways that I can support him if anyone can help?

white knight Parents estranged from their adult children
  • replies: 3

I dedicated myself to be the best part time dad I could be, child support never waned, visits never avoided and maintained a basic level of required communication with their mother regardless of the abrasiveness she gave At 12yo my eldest came to liv... View more

I dedicated myself to be the best part time dad I could be, child support never waned, visits never avoided and maintained a basic level of required communication with their mother regardless of the abrasiveness she gave At 12yo my eldest came to live with me. I was suspicious my ex was influencing my youngest and at 14yo "D" rang me "I dont want to see you anymore". 7 words I'll never forget. There was no argument, nothing to indicate a problem and no answer given as to a reason. So the months ticked over, gifts sent etc. At 16yo she had a back operation but refused me to visit the hospital. Her mother secretive. My ex had narcissistic tendencies, silence as a weapon was her cherished one, my daughter the same. So in summary the years leading up to 3 years ago was a matter of getting a message every year or two on Facebook "Hi dad". Then what would follow is up to 2 weeks of words, expression of a new start, plans of meeting up, discussion on our lives... then? gone. She'd block me. She refused to use any other form of communication like phone, letter etc because (as I found out from her friend) - then I'd know where she lived and besides, by blocking me on FB she had control. So 3 years ago when she was 28yo "Hi dad". I was to give it one last try. I told her we all have choices even her father. Her friend told me she believed I'd always let her back into my life as I was "soft". After 10 days- gone! blocked I took 3 months to make a decision. Was I to remain vulnerable, hurt regularly or could move on? I realised that I HAD to move on for my sanity and therefore the health and well being of my family. My eldest daughter has nothing to do with her nor her birth mother- why? because she experienced the same narcissistic treatment One day I looked up my youngest FB page- she had unblocked me. I reached for the computer mouse and pressed "block". The hardest action I'd made ever, I knew I'd need to stick with my decision or indeed I'd be that "soft" dad If she comes knocking I'd talk. I'd ask her why she threw me away, what she wanted to gain by visiting and what actions she has made to improve herself in terms of treating others with respect, I would not ask about her life, kids, partner Self preservation, like charity, begins at home. Thoughts? TonyWK

Walto17 Girlfriend got drunk and hooked up with another girl and feel like she isn't telling me the truth, w
  • replies: 3

Hey everyone, just need some advice. Long story short: Went out with my new girlfriend for the first time at a club on Saturday night. She got pretty drunk and everything was good until a friend wanted to take her to the toilet, i didn't think much o... View more

Hey everyone, just need some advice. Long story short: Went out with my new girlfriend for the first time at a club on Saturday night. She got pretty drunk and everything was good until a friend wanted to take her to the toilet, i didn't think much of it until after they came out 15 minutes later and she had told me that the friend forced herself onto her and took advantage of her and she claims that they made out for 10 seconds and she didn't enjoy it but didn't push her off which contradicts what she said. Anyways, her best friend went in after we were concerned and they were there for 5 minutes. We spoke about it the day later and we both agreed that it would never happen again. Anyways today i found out from her friend who went in there to help her that she remembered that they were both doing more than kissing which makes me believe that maybe other things went down that she doesn't remember or doesn't want to tell me. I'm not sure what to do, she blocked and removed the girl off all her social media accounts but i guess i'm not too sure what to think. I'm considering messaging the other woman just to find out if other stuff happened because things don't exactly add up. The other woman was married too by the way. Any advice would be great, good or bad.

Stevolica27 Partner won't make an effort
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, this sounds a bit trivial but is something that really gets me down. I've expressed to my partner but they haven't changed anything. AITA for expecting them to organise themselves when we've planned to spend time together? Basically, one... View more

Hi everyone, this sounds a bit trivial but is something that really gets me down. I've expressed to my partner but they haven't changed anything. AITA for expecting them to organise themselves when we've planned to spend time together? Basically, one example is my partner doesn't like being woken up (too early) but if it's passed mid-morning etc, it's okay to. I'm talking weekends of course. But I really dislike the idea that I have to wake her up and get her organised so we can do the things together we'd talked about, when if it were anyone else she had plans with, she would set alarms and be ready (I mean you kind of have to)... I just feel like a bit of a parent sometimes when it's like, I have to organise her if I want us to spend time together, when she organises herself for spending time with others...My reaction nowadays is just go to go out, have breakfast or whatever because I've asked enough times that she puts an effort to wake-up. Otherwise I have to do it, then wait 30min-hour for her to get organised to her satisfaction before we can go. It sounds petty when I write this but I'm just looking for any thoughts, support or criticism

Elizabeth Louise Dont all working mums have Emotional Meltdowns?
  • replies: 5

My husband says he wants to sperate mainly because I have meltdowns.It's happened more recently with additional stressors going on. Maybe once every 2nd month. The trigger is usually because I'm really tired or stressed from work. After the last blow... View more

My husband says he wants to sperate mainly because I have meltdowns.It's happened more recently with additional stressors going on. Maybe once every 2nd month. The trigger is usually because I'm really tired or stressed from work. After the last blow up I decided I had to manage my stress better. I started running again and trained for 8 weeks and felt great! But damage is done. My husband says he can't risk me doing that again because I'm scaring the kids. All that happens is I start crying and have a bit of an emotional breakdown. Also he doesn't help but actually makes it worse. He looks at me angrily and says I'll take the kids away if you don't stop. That just makes me more angry. Usually im triggered by my husband. It's normally from an argument and because I'm already tired and stressed it escalates because he's just not understanding me. I calm down but it could take me a good 15-20 mins for logic to set in and calm down. I know I need to just stop and walk away but I just struggle when it's too late. I don't see this as an absolute deal breaker to ruin our whole marriage because I'm aware that this is a real concern for him and I'm working on it. I read self help books and I have just stared to see a therapist. But what's causing the meltdowns now is the fact that he's talking of seperation and I had to stop running. I stopped running because I was exhausted from stress so much so that I feel like was going to collapse. Doctors have told me it's not my low iron and its just stress. We both work full time. My job can be stressful and demanding and we have 2 young children and I have quite a large house to clean. We both split the chores for cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen. I take my kids to their extra curricular activities twice per week.I have had additional streasors lately also like supporting my sister through her court case. I know that's additional stress and my husband can't understand that I have just had too much going on lately. Please tell me that I'm not the only one? And is it common for mums to have an emotional meltdown and I'm just carrying too much?

Avocadolady How to stop wanting to save your family
  • replies: 9

I have gone through a rough path to be at this point, where i am feeling tired of caring and helping my family, especially my brother. he has a bad temper that caused my mom great frustration, he is a complainer, and a person who does not take respon... View more

I have gone through a rough path to be at this point, where i am feeling tired of caring and helping my family, especially my brother. he has a bad temper that caused my mom great frustration, he is a complainer, and a person who does not take responsibility but to care about himself. he is going to be a father soon, so i am getting more worried about our family. Here i am 26 years old and have spent most of my life worrying about them, that i sometimes forget about living my life. I wonder if they ever care how hard i work and how i live my life as i do for them. is it bad if i stop caring so much and trying to save them? because its such a burden and I want to start my own family one day without carrying such worry into it. I want to have happiness of my own also. is it selfish?

Grogu_Lover Friends that ditch I am really struggling with this mentally.
  • replies: 9

Hi lovely people. I am new to these forums. Started hunting around for someone/where to talk about all of this going on in my mind. I don't have a lot of friends and genuinely care for the ones I do have. I make connections and work really hard on th... View more

Hi lovely people. I am new to these forums. Started hunting around for someone/where to talk about all of this going on in my mind. I don't have a lot of friends and genuinely care for the ones I do have. I make connections and work really hard on these friendships. One friend I met through my daughter, it was her friends mum. We are the same age and hit it off. We had known each other for a few years and always had a good chat when girls had sleep overs. Anyhow, about 2 years ago we started hanging out a lot more, I would go to hers for a cuppa and we would chat for hours. We did movie day at my house, drinking, lots of fun days. I had her kids stay with me for a week when a relative of hers was ill and she had to go interstate, took her kids to School and picked them up most days, for quite a few months. We would talk most days, she told me how she had been hurt in the past by friends and hated it and would't do that to me. Well her husband and her were having issues and she reached out to another friend (which is fine btw) but she started to pretty much stop talking to me unless I messaged her. I haven't seen her since, and still now don't unless I message her first. We went from being great friends to literally nothing overnight. The end of her marriage changed her I think. She said she has been hanging around others that knew what it was like. Fair enough but to just not talk to me suddenly really hurt and still bloody does. She has since moved away, didn't bother saying goodbye. I wouldn't of even known had it not been for Facebook. Another friend I have known for 10 years, suddenly blocked me on FB and everything else because I am friends still with the girl who was her best friend and they stopped talking. She just gave away 10 years of friendship just because I associate with that girl still. Another friend stopped talking to me again due to mutual friendships that ended. We are adults and surely can be friends with others even if they have a friend that they no longer associate with. These last two girls have really effected me mentally. I keep saying is there something wrong with me, or do I get to a used by date and no good anymore, so just discarded. It hurts so much, I don't know if I can trust anyone else now. Don't want to get too close. What do I do? How do I recover from these betrayals?