My husband and I have been together 8 years. He is the most loving,
gentle, kind-hearted man and never cruel. He suffered depression as a
teenager (was institutionalised after suicide attempts), and 4 years ago
he left me - after a bout of depression...
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My husband and I have been together 8 years. He is the most loving,
gentle, kind-hearted man and never cruel. He suffered depression as a
teenager (was institutionalised after suicide attempts), and 4 years ago
he left me - after a bout of depression, but we went to couples
counseling and were reconciled a few weeks later. While it was sad and I
was hurt, there was no acrimony between us. I have always been sincerely
supportive of my husband’s depression, which ebbs and flows, more than
anyone in his life. Other people in my family suffer depression, and I
have lived my life taking care of him sometimes more than myself, and
being genuinely happy to do it. I am the closest person he has had to
him in his life, and he only started going to therapy for the first time
in a decade mid-2013 after he had an episode and I encouraged him to
seek out professional help. We talked a lot, at his pleasure, about his
feelings and mindset without pressuring him to talk, and he said he was
feeling a lot better. We had being trying to have a baby and I said we
should stop until he felt more confident about us and his own life.
After he started therapy this year, he asked if we could try again and
buy a house, as those were really things he wanted. He asked me to trust
him, and told me (every day) that he adored and loved me. He told me I
was his emotional guardian and things were looking better. A few months
later, he left - telling me he wanted to move to the bush and never have
children. He wasn’t acting like himself, he was telling me I was a
horrible person, with no values or moral compass, and that I was too
materialistic. He said I couldn’t change into a better person and that
he never wanted me in his life again. He was showing no empathy, making
no eye contact, and it was really confronting for me to see. I told him
it was going to be OK, and we would do whatever he needed to feel
better. He told me he wasn't depressed, that I was the problem, and that
he never wanted my help again. The next morning he went to therapy, and
came home and told me it was over because I was a bad person and he
didn’t want to give me anything anymore. His parents called me frantic
that he was having an episode again, after such a long time, and we
communicated with each other every day about what was happening - we
were seeing the same behaviours that were so unlike him. He didn’t care
that I might be pregnant and had no place to live as a result of his
actions. He went away for a month, camping, and came back and wanted to
talk. He told other people he wanted to reconcile with me. We spoke a
couple of weeks later and he said he “went crazy” when he left, but it
wasn’t an episode and that there was nothing for him to work through. He
said he was sorry for being cruel, but he didn’t want to work on the
marriage. I feel he has determined the marriage is what’s made him so
unhappy, and that while that obviously may be true, it's also possible
that he is not dealing with his depression. Going to therapy myself, I
have come the realisation that we really did have an open, honest,
caring marriage where no one was trapped into a certain way of life and
all doors were open. That’s not to say it was perfect - of course not -
but it was certainly emotionally healthy and loving. I am still very
worried about him, though I accept that he doesn’t want me in his life
any more. His friends told him that he should leave me because I don’t
deserve to be messed around, but I don’t feel that is their business, or
that they understand his history of mental illness. I feel they
encouraged him to run away (away from his family and support network),
when they should have communicated with me, or his parents, so we could
all try to work together to take care of him. I feel his therapy has not
been very helpful, and would like to encourage him to try another
therapist or style of therapy. As that’s not my job anymore, I’m finding
it hard to let go of caring for him, obviously loving him, and of course
finding it incredibly hard to take care of myself at this time. Don’t
know what to do… I feel terribly guilty I have not gone after him - that
even though I believe my presence is making things worse, that it’s my
fault he is so sad, and that I’ve been a terrible partner to him.
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