Its Not Fair

[guest75]

Im sorry for posting this, but i needed to vent and i dont have anyone i can talk to.  I have my mother who i am living with but we dont have the sort of relationship where we can talk about stuff, she didnt even meet my partner until our engagement party.  THe only person ive ever had that i could talk about my emotions with was my partner and i dont have her now

I am a good person.  I love my kids, they are my world. i love my partner, unconditionally - despite everything i am still in love with her and want to be with her.

I dont drink (maybe once or twice a year max). I dont smoke (never smoked 1 cigarette). i dont gamble (not even on the melbourne cup). I dont do drugs (ever). i  have even given up drinking coca cola because my psychologist said caffeine can effect my moods

i was a good provider.  i worked at jobs i hated so that she could stay at home and raise the kids full time.  she was a full time mum for all 3 of the kids, they never had to go to day care so she could work.  I worked horrible shifts (7pm=7am) for over 4 years so that she didnt have to work and could be with the kids.  When this stupid illness got a hold of me and i left my last job and have unemployed since, because i had worked as hard as i did we had enough in our savings as a buffer for that to happen

i am an affectionate person, i hug my kids whenever i can, i tell them i love them, I wanted to be close with my partner whenever i could. i would ALWAYS tell her i love her whenever i was leaving the house or she was even for just a short trip to the supermarket

this stupid illness got a hold of me , my moods started to change.  i am not blaming for the illness for the things i said or the things i did, they were choices i made. i am blaming the illness for the mood swings.

now i feel abandoned, i need her help to get passed this. im fighting as hard as as i can. but i need help and im left to fight alone. its not fair

sorry for venting on here

[Jo3]

Hey Mattyj

[Jo3]

Hey Mattyj

Don't feel sorry for venting, it's good to vent.

I am so sorry you are going through a tough time at the moment. 

Just by reading your message I can see that you are a loving partner, dad and worker. You worked hard for your family to provide the best possible care and do you that is an amazing task for you.

You sound like a very caring and beautiful person. 

Having depression changes our moods and it's a horrible thing to go through.

You don't need to feel abandoned because we are all here for you.  We are here to support you and talk to you anytime.

Pls hold on to that fight, you will get through. Pls take care and hope to chat again soon

Jo

[Mares73]

Dear Matty I have followed your story & replied to you previously (think it was your first post). My heart goes out to you as I can feel the love, care & affection you have for your family. I can also feel from your post that you still love your wife unconditionally & you have outlined the many ways you have shown love & support for your family. You haven't taken your wife for granted-it sounds like you had a wonderful gratitude for her & that you went out of your way to show her love & affection. That is admirable given the difficulty of shift work-especially a 7am-7pm shift. I know she has an order out so you can't communicate with her but after all you have shared together it is hard to accept that she isn't open to learning more about depression & anxiety as an illness. It's something you have to accept in your own time that you do have an illness & find ways to manage it within your life. Is there any possible way your mum or someone could take copies of these posts to her or ph Beyond Blue & ask for some information material to be sent out? Would this possibly help her understand? A lot of us are thinking of you & hope you can keep in touch & get some form of resolution, Mary xxx (Mares73)

[Imagine]

Hi mattyj,

Vent away mate, you are absolutely right. IT IS NOT FAIR!

This disease is *insert unprintable text* and strikes the lives of hard working, loving, good, happy people with random cruelty. Yes you made some bad choices and it is good that you take responsibility for that, but you did not choose the disease and would not have made those choices without it's influence.

It must be hard that you have been so loyal, reliable and always there for your partner only to have her not be there when you need her most. I understand that deeply. I feel the same way.

Please don't apologise for venting. You aren't hurting anyone, you are helping others who feel the same way with your openness and courage in sharing your pain.

All I can offer is the thought that you are another moment/hour/day closer to the pain easing, to resolution, to feeling like you belong in your own life whatever form it may take. I am telling myself that constantly. These are the darkest days of my life but even they cannot last forever.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

[guest75]

HI Mary,

Thank you for your response.  I think she knows all about depression as an illness, she has previously been a sufferer and did some volunteer work with one of the suicide prevention groups.  I wont know for certain for 2.5 weeks but I hope this wasnt her doing, im beginning to feel that one of the kids said something at school about what i had said (like i said, i said some horrible things which i cant take back) or did and i have a feeling someone from the school has contacted DHS and told her to do this to give me time to get myself sorted.  Either that or she got sick of telling me to get help and did this as a wake up call to me to make me get help.  I just feel we have been through to much together for her to let it end this way.  Maybe my love for her is clouding my vision of what she would do? i dont know, the not knowing is the hardest part.  if she had told me she didnt love me anymore, i would be heartbroken but i could make myself start trying to get over her.  I wont know anything until the 21st though

[guest75]

Hi Imagine, thanks again for responding

I agree, this disease is horrible, but im doing everything i can to defeat it.  Im fighting as hard as i can to beat it, but im struggling, and not sure i can do it alone.

I am taking responsability for what i did. i said those things, i did those things. I have enrolled in a mens behaviour change program, a group thing, but it doesnt start until march.hopefully the magistrate will take this into account on the 21st.

i am confused and scared and dont know what to do next, im doing everything i can think of.  I know my mood swings have basically gone, i think the anti depressants are doing that, i am still sad and teary but i think thats because of the situation i am in, but the mood swings are gone

thanks again

[guest75]

Hi Jo3

Thanks for taking the time to comment

I know there is a lot of people here to support me in tough times, but i still feel abandoned by the person I have shared more with than anyone else.  she has always been there for me in tough times and I have been there for her and now i dont have her

[Neil_1]

Hi Matty

I just wanted to chip in to totally agree with the advice already given by the earlier posters.

And along the lines of what Mares suggested, is it possible for you to write her a letter?  Surely a letter would be ok for her to receive and no-one should ever know;  if it does come to the attention of DHS, then I think that would answer any questions about where she stands on everything.

But honestly, I reckon she'd read it and then keep it safe and wait for the 21st.

I don't know if she knows all the stuff that you've put into place just recently;  all the items that you've already posted on another thread and if she doesn't then I feel it might be good to write her a letter and list off all the things that you've set into place to better yourself and to make things better for a brighter future for you, her and your kids.

Make it a totally positive letter with no references to 'not being here for me' or things like that.  I can totally understand though when you do say that and that's why it's good being able to come on here and let rip.  Boy, do I know that ... especially of late.  But yeah, just keep it all positive, with references and examples of what you've set into place.

Anyway, that's just my thought on it.

Please hang in there mate and enjoy the cricket ... the Aussies are in a good spot at present.

Cheers

Neil

[guest75]

Thanks again for posting Neil,

I dont think writing her a letter is a good idea - as much as i want to. Ive made it through a month now, and with only 2 and a half weeks to go, i think it could end up doing more harm than good.

Im pretty sure she knows what i am doing, as i have told the kids about seeing a special doctor, taking special medicine and what not.  they also know im starting my new job on monday so im pretty sure most of that would get back to her

I just dont want to do anything that could make it worse for me. Im desperate to speak to her, to let her know what im doing, to see her, but i think i need to be strong right now.

you are right, the aussies are doing alright at the minute but the poms seem to be fighting back

thanks again for your advice