Relationship and family issues

Excessive empathy - leading to expectations

replies: 4

Empathy, to be considerate, to walk in their shoes is an amazing trait that my father taught me. To forecast how it would be like to go through someone elses situation is, I believe, one of my qualities and could be yours also because those with ment... View more

Empathy, to be considerate, to walk in their shoes is an amazing trait that my father taught me. To forecast how it would be like to go through someone elses situation is, I believe, one of my qualities and could be yours also because those with mental health issues are often sensitive, kind and reach out when others think twice. That makes you a great friend but if your empathy is excessive you also run the risk of smothering someone with love. Just as importantly these receivers likely wont have any chance of returning your high level of care, then it becomes a one sided friendship. In most cases one doesnt reach out to receive anything in return but being human when a real need appears, eg if you have depression or a family trauma you would assume that same person you've reached out for many years would be there for you right? To at least listen and some advice. Not necessarily. I'm 70yo and know from many years of experience that for me I'm far better off reducing my friendships to include only those that I know will be there for me. That's not the fault of the ones I've discarded, it's the fragile nature of my needs. To include a person as a friend that is one way, is to categorise that friendship wrongly, they're an acquaintance and as such I should not have the expectations of them as a "friend". I imagine this pigeon holing is automatic with the normal person but isnt with me and might not be with you. If it isnt and you have expectations of them as a friend you open yourself up to being hurt when the real need for support comes along. So what can you do? Limiting people classified as friends (those that will drop things to help you) is one thing that can help, this small circle might widen and contract but often it means you could count them on one hand. Also we with mental health issues can appear needy, we can overload people with issues they cannot visualise which could mean they dont have the capacity to relate, that can be frustrating and they'll pull away finding us "hard work". Finally, these people have their own issues, they too might have a stretched life helping others or why they cant offer support. That's why I included that a persons incapacity to help might not be their lack of empathy, they cant spread it far and wide. Empathy is the aces in a deck of cards. But for some the rest of the pack is just as important and thats ok, seek your support on this forum or professionally, not all are so empathetic... just different. Thoughts? TonyWK

Confused

replies: 2

HiI never write on here but i thought I would try and hope someone could help me I have been feeling very lost and lonely in my relationship my anxiety is back and I feel l don’t have a voice now and I get very angry. sometimes I just want to leave b... View more

HiI never write on here but i thought I would try and hope someone could help me I have been feeling very lost and lonely in my relationship my anxiety is back and I feel l don’t have a voice now and I get very angry. sometimes I just want to leave but the I don’t cos I care for my guy but he dose nothing for me we can have fun laugh and have the best time together but when l ask him to do things or not do thing he get very mean and say upsetting things to me puts me down but then the next day he forgets we been together for 6 years he has a gambling addiction and a substance addiction but I really don’t know what to do my head is telling me to stay and fix things. My heart is just confused.

Here I am again; regretting I moved.

replies: 3

In the last 18 months to 2 years, I have moved from A____ to M______, left the job that I loved, left my gorgeous little unit, left the meetings that I loved in A____ (in particular the women’s meeting), no longer cuddling with my Pippi puss at night... View more

In the last 18 months to 2 years, I have moved from A____ to M______, left the job that I loved, left my gorgeous little unit, left the meetings that I loved in A____ (in particular the women’s meeting), no longer cuddling with my Pippi puss at night because he doesn’t like it, reached menopause and probably the biggest thing in amongst all of that; I lost my Dad. He died one year ago on the 11th of this month. It’s been such a huge change and part of the issue lately, is that my partner seems to think that the gathering of weight around my middle is due to me being lazy. He hasn’t said those exact words, but he has certainly eluded to it. He just doesn’t get menopause at all. And I have been working TWO jobs lately. Going to the gym when I can, trying to keep the dog entertained by playing catch/fetch in the yard …. Because as much he ‘said’ “Yes I do” one time when I asked him if he has been walking the dog, I don’t believe that he is. In fact my partner, it seems, has little to NO empathy and NO patience whatsoever. I do not feel supported or understood by him at all. And his tone of voice is set on ‘cranky, defensive and irritated’ 24/7. He’s never happy about anything and doesn’t celebrate anything at all. And I have achieved a lot! Not just with getting work here in this tiny little community, but with my art and writing also. He just doesn’t give a hoot about that though. There’s barely anything at all that impresses him. As much as I hate to admit it, I am not enjoying living here and I think OFTEN about moving back to Albury. I had hoped that, by now, after having lived together for more than a year now, we would both be more 'adjusted' to the idea and be more content, but that does not seem to be the case. Also, he retired at the end of last year and that too has been a big adjustment for him. But he doesn't talk about how he feels about that either. He seems so focussed on every little thing that he can find is 'wrong' in his eyes. I keep praying for some sort of change ...... I just don't know how to get out of this rut without someone being hurt. I feel so stuck and sad.

My Wife is an Alcoholic

replies: 2

Hello this is my first time in any forum.I've been married for 12 years now and my wife has been drinking almost everyday for the last 9 years. We have a daughter that's 11yrs old and she's been exposed to all that happens with her drinking with gett... View more

Hello this is my first time in any forum.I've been married for 12 years now and my wife has been drinking almost everyday for the last 9 years. We have a daughter that's 11yrs old and she's been exposed to all that happens with her drinking with getting yelled at for no reason at all. When my wife is on the drink she gets angry and can get violent at times, her mental health is quite bad where she gets herself in a state and randomly screams and yells things out of nowhere. Whenever I am around or not she will always blame me for making her life miserable. I have had to call an ambulance on about three occasions. The first time was when drank too much to the point of unconsciousness. Straight to hospital - long story short she was very very close to death. The other times were less serious. In the mornings she is fine and normal, I try to chat to her about the drinking but she doesn't say much and acknowledges what's happened, yet she will make up an excuse to go out (need to buy something from the shops) and get her alcohol. She will always hide her drinking until I find it to which straight away empty it down the sink. I will not tolerate any alcohol in the house with my daughter around. We have seen the doctor about her problem and she had been put on depression medication but that only lasted a couple of days and back to square one. Her mum and brother have had enough of her problems and don't want to deal with it any more. Her mum will always be there to talk but that's it. Won't spend the time to be around and help her through this. I am living in a state where I have no family support for myself and is all alone with this problem to which makes it more difficult for me to deal with.

Older step children issues

replies: 8

Hi everyone,I have been a step mother to my husband's two daughters for nearly ten years and things still aren't great between myself and them. They are aged 21 and 18. When I first started a relationship with their Dad, they were aged 8 and 11 and w... View more

Hi everyone,I have been a step mother to my husband's two daughters for nearly ten years and things still aren't great between myself and them. They are aged 21 and 18. When I first started a relationship with their Dad, they were aged 8 and 11 and we got along pretty well for about the first two years. They clung to me quite quickly, as their Mum had mental health issues, so we had the girls full-time for the first four years. Things started to go downhill when the eldest girl turned about 14 and then also started to have more contact again with her Mum. The eldest girl went back to live with her Mum at this time, as she didn't like Dad's rules and then we continued to have the younger daughter until about two years ago. Their Mum remarried a man that is wealthier than us, so both girls went back there so they could get on the money train of overseas holidays and having anything they want.We don't have a lot of money, so we can't give them these things, but I have always showed them love and support, but I can see they really don't care about me.At times they can be nice to me, but it is short lived and I am mostly still met with one word answers to any questions I ask them (e.g. how is Uni going? how is your boyfriend going? etc) and they leave me out of conversations and only include their Dad. I just still feel that they don't respect me and it is getting to the point of them showing their rudeness to me that my parents and other people are noticing their behaviour. I bring it up with my husband, but he just says that I take their behaviour towards me as being too personal and to just ignore it.It really upsets me, to the point that, I think it will come between me and my husband.I don't know what to do. Is it bad of me to ask my husband that I don't want them to come over to our house very often?Thank you for any advice

Ever wanted to be free of manipulation and toxicity, but your stuck.

replies: 3

I can't go on, but can't leave. So painful being the punching bag. I just want to pain to go away.

Am I dealing with limerence in a friendship, or am I just too emotionally invested??

replies: 6

I’ve had an online friendship with a guy for around 3–4 years now. We originally met through gaming and most of our friendship has been gaming, talking shit, and occasionally having deep late-night conversations. We've had video and phone calls so he... View more

I’ve had an online friendship with a guy for around 3–4 years now. We originally met through gaming and most of our friendship has been gaming, talking shit, and occasionally having deep late-night conversations. We've had video and phone calls so he's not a complete stranger and my others friends have talked to him. He's pretty much a part of my friendship circle at this point and we all play often.The friendship has always been inconsistent though. Sometimes we’ll talk a lot, then barely speak for weeks or months. There have also been quite a few times where we’ve talked about hanging out or meeting in person and it just never really happened. A while ago I was extremely emotionally attached to him and probably experienced what I’d now describe as limerence. I would over analyse messages, get jealous when he played with his other friends, wonder how important I was to him, imagine us becoming much closer, and get disappointed when the friendship didn’t progress the way I hoped. I’m much more self-aware about it now after educating myself more about limerence, but I still notice the same tendencies sometimes. I had a period of no contact with him for about 6 months, where I just did my own thing and just forced myself to pretty much let that friendship go. He reached out one day out of the blue and I was EXTREMELY hesitant to reply. I was aware that I may go back into the patterns and honestly was just tired of it all. Plus I've spent months of hard work to ruin the progress. But eventually, I decided to reply and at the back of my mind, be okay with the distance and to not put so much energy into it. Recently we’ve started talking a lot more again, almost every night, and we’ve been getting to know each other more personally. We’ve talked about our pasts, loneliness, relationships, life stuff, etc. He’s also moving away soon, so part of me has been trying to make the most of the time we have while he’s still around. The problem is that I’ve noticed some old patterns coming back and I was fully aware that I need to pull away again. I guess I do have feelings for him. I know realistically that we can’t be together, and I genuinely want to keep him as a friend. I’m not trying to make anything happen romantically. But I’m worried that the feelings and attachment could eventually sabotage the friendship. The confusing part is that the friendship itself is real. I genuinely enjoy talking to him, we have great conversations, and I care about him. So I don’t want to completely cut him off just because I have feelings. Right now I’m trying to give myself a bit more space, stay present, not constantly initiate, keep investing in other parts of my life, and stop interpreting every good interaction as evidence that the friendship is becoming something more. I guess I’m wondering:• Does this sound like limerence, anxious attachment, or just normal unrequited feelings?• Can you realistically stay friends with someone when you’re emotionally attached to them like this?• How do you create healthy emotional distance without completely withdrawing from the friendship?• For anyone who’s been in a similar situation, what actually helped? I’d especially appreciate advice from people who have experienced limerence toward a friend rather than someone they were dating.

My family either hates me or would hate me

replies: 6

I think this is the right section to put this, I am bisexual guy and my family is incredibly divided, my dad is very religious and is homophobic so I haven't told him I'm bi, my mum is a misandrist, my nan cut of my mum over "political beliefs" my mu... View more

I think this is the right section to put this, I am bisexual guy and my family is incredibly divided, my dad is very religious and is homophobic so I haven't told him I'm bi, my mum is a misandrist, my nan cut of my mum over "political beliefs" my mum is a super far left "progressive" (While hating men ) my nan is a super far right conservative and they just don't get along well, when I was a kid I remember my dad saying he thinks all pride flags should be banned and I remember my mum yelling at me because of a news report on rape, Am I allowed to say that on here? I hope I am, I'm not able to leave, I feel like everyone I know hates me or would if I were honest about me.

Relapsed after stress and overwork and a HR investigation

replies: 4

I don’t know how to start this. I’m a 26 year old male. Recently qualified in my trade. My boss got called for surgery and had to have a min 3 months off. The 2IC had leave booked in that time and couldn’t cancel it. I was asked to, and did step up. ... View more

I don’t know how to start this. I’m a 26 year old male. Recently qualified in my trade. My boss got called for surgery and had to have a min 3 months off. The 2IC had leave booked in that time and couldn’t cancel it. I was asked to, and did step up. I ran the shop floor, being in charge of 40ish people, organising work and ensuring jobs were completed on time, as well as staying back and doing my usual job and extra duties. I usually do 10 hour days during the week and a 6 hour Sat. In those 3 weeks the 2IC was away I did just over 240 hours. 80 per week. Usually quickly having lunch by myself. That was manageable. Stressful, but manageable. I’ve done big hours before. Then when the 2IC came back I had a day or two of relief where we shared the role, then I got told by HR I was under investigation for horseplay, accusations of drug use, being aggressive to workers and fitness for work. This has now dragged on for 5 weeks. The whole workshop is talking about it, but I have kept confidently. I proved the drug accusations wrong showing I had an RBT after work and was negative on the drug test. The whole thing is just really stressing me out. I spoke to the union and they weren’t much help. My management support me and know all the claims are false but this is just dragging on. it has really gotten to me because I’m a recovered drug addict. Clean for nearly 18 months. I have had stress, trials and tribulations since then. Stayed strong. But this time I cracked. After being genuinely burned out from working double hours for 3 weeks straight then this, I cracked. I have deleted the contact now, but I now feel guilty. I worked so hard and now I messed up. I don’t know why this specifically got to me. I think because while recovering I used work as my stability. Now the place that I used to escape to is the one I want to escape from and yeah. Idk. there’s a lot of missed info as well of course. But that’s the main stuff. Appreciate any response. Cheers

Parents divorce

replies: 3

I am in my teens, and almost two years ago my parents separated, and they officially divorced a year ago this month. I had always had the feeling that their relationship wasn't going to last because of their constant fighting, which always resulted i... View more

I am in my teens, and almost two years ago my parents separated, and they officially divorced a year ago this month. I had always had the feeling that their relationship wasn't going to last because of their constant fighting, which always resulted in either one of them storming out and leaving for the night. I had sort of come to terms with the fact that i would never be able to live with both my parents back together, and honestly i wouldn't want them back together. But now after the divorce has been settled, i am basically living full time with my mum and sometimes visit my dad on the weekends. I see him everyday though, and its not that i dont want to stay with him but it just feels easier staying with mum. My mum used to travel alot for work, going sometimes outside of the country and i would just be a blob of tears and snot until she returned, so i've felt like ive always been closer with my mum. It even got the point where i had to see my schools counsiler because i started breaking down in the middle of class (it was honestly very embarrasing). Its not that i dont love my dad, because i do, but recently i feel myself pushing away from him. For some reason i feel like im being pressured to stay at his house, and its always the same of me feeling nervous and almost depressed at the thought of staying at his place but then when i get there its fine. It's more so the fact of when i get back i just feel mentally exhuasted, like i had to put up and act with him. I've noticed he has changed over the time of the seperation, with him already dealing with alot of mental issues from his previous work, which caused him to basically change up his whole life. But even now i still find myself almost scared of ending up like him. When him and my mum used to argue when they were together it was mainly him to was the loudest, and would get so angry. There was one time i was crying, and my mum was hugging me after i had yelled at my sister and she said something along the lines of "It's okay, you just get it from your father." Which made me freeze up and start crying even more. I dont even know why but i just felt so overwhelmed to become like him, especially when he was angry. He never was violent, and only ever shouted but over the few months he has seemed to change. He is alot more calm, and has worked alot on his mental health. But still there is times where he is angry, and i can almost see the same man from when they were arguing and i just feel everything drain out of me. I'm not too sure what to do anymore. I've tried to talk to my mum about seeing a pscychiatrist or someone, because I'm sick of feeling like i constantly have to be okay, and she said she was on it. I've asked her mulitple times but it feels like im talking to a brick wall at this point. I understand she is busy with work, but i'm done caring at this point. I feel like im slowly retracting from my family (not my sister), and just listening to music to allow my mind to focus on anything else. I'm tired. I just want someone to be able to know what is going on my head, because i sure as hell don't. I want to have a good relationship with my dad, but it just feels so out of reach and difficult with my still feelings from their divorce, my own mental health issues. There is days where i just feel like im on the verge of breaking down, and then there is days where i feel like i can take on anything- which always resolutely ends with me feeling like im breaking down. I havent found a balance, but i find when im alone and reading or something I can just focus on myself and allow myself to think about the absaloute swirlstorm of thoughts in my head. There is just so much that i don't even know where to begin, and i just want to be okay again. (Sorry if this is very random, but i just feel like its easier to talk to someone about my issues if they dont really know my family or me.) Anyways, thanks if you made it this far.

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Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

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