Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Disowning relatives
  • replies: 11

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dread... View more

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dreaded narcissism. Having my own bipolar, anxiety and high functioning autism (recent revelation), I was not much different to my blood relatives except for the narcissism. Ok, that said I decided to give some relatives one last chance which fed my need to not hold any guilt in the future by rash decisions. There is the hard and the easy way to cope with rejecting relatives. With previous attempts when younger I'd crumble at the thought, then crumble again when I grieved for them, so I had become a boomerang family member. When I returned to my family the narcs were happy not to talk about what the issue was, to resolve so recurrence didnt happen, so again and again it repeated. But something changed at 58yo. I decided a few things- that blood relatives no longer automatically had my presence, that I had the right to reject them for a peaceful existence.that seeking stability I needed to ensure I didnt have unstable people in my life, that I was to create my own "more" stable worldthat my wife should no longer carry the burden of my family upsets when she had come from a stable upbringingthat 58 years was long enough and if I was lucky enough to last another 25 years that I could choose then to mould those years into happier timesThe above decision making says it all and I've gradually found peace from family problems. Yes, the occasional relative I still have in my life will call and ask if they can mediate and I politely decline. Those calls are examples of the triangulation from rejected family members. Do I miss them- oh, yes, but the cycle would return if I allowed them back in. My family ensured that guilt was a major weapon so I know my guilt especially that my 93yo mother is still alive, would eat at me. But alas, if I visited her after so many years I know the guilt would be her priority then she'd haunt me from her grave. Troubled people have to build a world around themselves and only issue passes to those that either understand or have a level of loyalty that you feel safe with. These are desperate situations, suicidal thoughts, attempts, suffering through rage and comments from despicable people. Being blood does not mean you are a punching bag. If thats you then untie the rope, let that bag drop... TonyWK

DaveAM Wife asking me to engage with the situation with her lover
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My wife and I been married for about 10 years having 2 children. She has been deeply in love with me so I have as well. She is very social person, active in her business with lots of friends which I know most of them. There has been one specific frie... View more

My wife and I been married for about 10 years having 2 children. She has been deeply in love with me so I have as well. She is very social person, active in her business with lots of friends which I know most of them. There has been one specific friend to whom my wife is in close relationship, beautiful woman , socialize person to whom my wife is in close relationship and they go out with other friends and collogues. She has been single, very professional and lovely person. In the last 3-4 years, my wife travelled with her for work and short holiday with no issue. She also invited her few time to our house for dinner who spent the night at our house and leaving the next day. Couple of times, I asked her about her boyfriend or single situation which she did not feel comfortable to address my question so I forgot that. Few times in our summer house I asked her to come into the pool and swim with us and play with children which she denied for some reasons and I did not insist neither my wife. Around few weeks ago in our villa, my wife asked me as she and her friend would like to spend sometime in sauna later in the night and would like to be alone and talking which I did not see any issue. However out of curiosity, I approached the sauna and found something shocking. They were having a physical relationship. She says she loves me and she does not want separation and I do not really know what to do. She is asking me to be a part of this romantic relationship as she cannot break up with her friend. I am very confused and need help for next action.

There Anxiety and the youngest child
  • replies: 2

Hello all, it’s been some time and I’m back. Like everyone I’ve had a bit of a time at life. Over the last 7 years ive had a husband cheated on me with a woman 11 years his junior (these forums helped me greatly during this time). Mum went through br... View more

Hello all, it’s been some time and I’m back. Like everyone I’ve had a bit of a time at life. Over the last 7 years ive had a husband cheated on me with a woman 11 years his junior (these forums helped me greatly during this time). Mum went through breast cancer. My sister in law has MS. I mention all of the above as my parents have decided to sell up and move to somewhere closer to the rest of the fam and that is fantastic. Along with this they want to secession plan which tbh I’m glad they want to do it now rather than wait for my brother and I to have to sort it out whenever that dreadful time comes. It gets a bit messy as I only have one brother who has 2 kids and a wife. I have a partner but after my marriage ended (no kids) like to keep my family finances separate as does he and we are both ok with this. I can’t shake this feeling of anxiety around what mum and dad want to do. My brother often dubbed the golden child and who has the gift of the gab leaves me feeling like he will get everything his way and because I have a partner of only 5 years and no kids I’m not worth anything.I absolutely hate feeling this way, anxious, helpless and worthless. I also hate that I’m feeling like this about succession planning… any words of advice would be welcomed. T(here)

SC333 Married and Done...
  • replies: 4

I'm a married 35yo mother of two boys.Married for 13 years - during this time, I have been loyal, loving hard & forgiving my husband for his actions (that were not acceptable, not keeping boundaries, flirting, visit to the prostitute etc). I would sa... View more

I'm a married 35yo mother of two boys.Married for 13 years - during this time, I have been loyal, loving hard & forgiving my husband for his actions (that were not acceptable, not keeping boundaries, flirting, visit to the prostitute etc). I would say in total, I could count 5+ events that had affected me which I approached him about but was brushed off. He is an extrovert & loves company of others while I'm an introvert & focus on the inner peace.I think it came to a point where one day I woke up & felt 'I am done' - but FT work, kids etc - I don't think I had the time to think.We had a flatmate 'N' who moved in soon after - a young man in his late 20's who had come out of a broken place & wanted space away from everything he went through - which he chose our place.Him & I got along well - we would open up to me about his past, which was quite dark & had just broken up with his partner so both being quite broken, we connected.Hubby didn't like this & told me to keep my distance, that he feels 'N' isn't keeping his boundaries.That is when I flipped - talking to him for hours is nothing compared to what you did & how you brushed me off, yet, you expect me to listen to how you feel? I think at that point I knew I was done & it hit me hard. I broke down in front of hubby & exploded with all my emotions going back 13 years until now - & how I feel about him now = no emotions, no love, just numb. Not even angry anymore. That if he was to go flirt now, I'll feel fine. Since then, all hell broke lose.

Wan Dealing with own emotion
  • replies: 1

Hello,I need some help dealing with my own emotions. I was born overseas. When I was young, I saw my father hit my mum a lot until they separated. Since then, I've been scared of men. Many years have passed, and I got married to a very good man, and ... View more

Hello,I need some help dealing with my own emotions. I was born overseas. When I was young, I saw my father hit my mum a lot until they separated. Since then, I've been scared of men. Many years have passed, and I got married to a very good man, and we have two sons together. We moved to Australia. The problem is, my husband is a mama's boy, and my mother-in-law is very attached to her son. This makes me feel upset, angry every time I see them together, insecure, and left out. I'm also not sure if my feelings of jealousy and being left out are directly related to my childhood trauma. I don't like feeling this way. What should I do?"

beachaholic3 Smell of Breakup
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, revisiting my most recent and final breakup before I decided to forget relationships altogether. For me the smell of cigarette smoke and hospital wards just scream 'breakup'. I remember losing my job, being addicted to cigarettes and alc... View more

Hi everyone, revisiting my most recent and final breakup before I decided to forget relationships altogether. For me the smell of cigarette smoke and hospital wards just scream 'breakup'. I remember losing my job, being addicted to cigarettes and alcohol and wandering the halls of the emergency/psychiatric ward with no purpose and waiting for it all to be over and done with. Apparently I was too codependent to the point of my partner feeling 'responsible for my happiness'. My life has been shit for the last 10 years. I retraced it all to the day I stepped foot into Year 7 and the teacher said 'ladies and gentlemen, your lives from now on will change. You're adults now'. I've found peace and fulfillment by regressing in maturity and personality back to when I was a wee lad. Not everyone is impressed but if I've learnt anything, it's that I don't exist to please others. I've spent 10 years doing that shit

Riri Cross roads
  • replies: 5

I have been married for two years and known my husband for five. Im quiet independent with a secure attachment style his is more insecure and a little co dependent. My parents never approved and still don't. I have always had my own things in life an... View more

I have been married for two years and known my husband for five. Im quiet independent with a secure attachment style his is more insecure and a little co dependent. My parents never approved and still don't. I have always had my own things in life and been happy with work and family around me. I have lived in the big smoke my entire life and had strong connections and proximity to family. My partner does not have strong family connections and does not like city living especially as we are living in my mother's rental and due to that situation, my partner pushed for us to buy own own house, in a reginal town as a compromise, so an hours drive from my family. We have renovated our house for the last three years. Our stuff is in there, well half of it. I'm no longer feeling comfortable with the move due to how we have been lately. There is no intimacy or emotional connection between us and I don't feel I can be vulnerable around him most of the time. He does not validate my emotions or opinions and becomes upset at me. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 years. And we have tried couples counseling. I get upset quite a bit as I persist on my boundaries and at times this has ment leaving the house Renos and driving back in storms, pitch black and in tears. I'm worried that if I move there the behaviours may continue or become worse. He has depression and is not dealing with it but promises he will. He also suffers PTSD after a near death experience and a previous divorce. His not a controlling person in actions but words seem it although not so obvious and often leave me confused and doubting my own feelings and perception. He says I need to change my perception and think of him in a generous way...when I try to explain that this leads to lack of intimacy he will deny any responsibility. He simply says I need to man up and move forward with my life. He tells me it's not healthy to be under my parents thumb and living in their place(rental). I'm feeling hurt and lonely. We don't have kids. I'm not sure if there is any point continuing with the marriage. He is a nice person but I feel we clash alot. I could leave now and move on with my old life quiet easily but if I move from where I am I feel it will be to hard to move back. He says he will try his hardest, but I'm not sure how when he can't hear what I'm saying. I can't simply flick a switch. I don't know if there is any hope.

Clara1 Worried About My Mother
  • replies: 3

I am in a very bad mood today after talking to my mother. I don’t know if this is her fault or my fault. I feel confused and I am not sure who I can turn to for help. She says I don’t appreciate her and she makes me feel like I did something wronge t... View more

I am in a very bad mood today after talking to my mother. I don’t know if this is her fault or my fault. I feel confused and I am not sure who I can turn to for help. She says I don’t appreciate her and she makes me feel like I did something wronge to her. Sometimes I am just not sure what to say to her.

Guest_41412403 Been feeling lonely
  • replies: 1

Hi so I've had family issues from 15yr old my family dad wasn't the best teaching me skills I had to learn myself dad got marry 3 times my real mum suide when I was 3 my sis was 9 second step mum abused me but they divorced I left home at 15 I'm not ... View more

Hi so I've had family issues from 15yr old my family dad wasn't the best teaching me skills I had to learn myself dad got marry 3 times my real mum suide when I was 3 my sis was 9 second step mum abused me but they divorced I left home at 15 I'm not sure if it's a faze but things are getting to me I'm have 2 one she's 28 nearly married and 16yr boy I'm regretting now that I didn't have another baby close age as my son has mental health cognitive imparment ODD /ADHA since 12 it started till now I've moved mountain to get help from phys to dulea but was always up to him as ODD there's no residential treatment in Australia only oversea but always up to him so put all my focus on him so now is in jail one month now he sees phsy and others because by force then I had to put my dog down of 16yrs 2 Month's ago so now I'm 47 been struggling if I had one close would it be different been on drugs most of my life that's why I put off having another due to him sick in hospital but now it's haunting me am I going through menopause I'm getting depression again I see family's with kids makes me sad it's hitting me hard now how can I cope I don't go anywhere how can I stop regrets

Ken2024 problem with marriage
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I'm 45 and my wife is 41, we've married since 2018. My wife lost one of her ovary during surgical complication and she had another surgery on her other ovary hence there's little left. Based on the above issues she no longer interest with sex and I u... View more

I'm 45 and my wife is 41, we've married since 2018. My wife lost one of her ovary during surgical complication and she had another surgery on her other ovary hence there's little left. Based on the above issues she no longer interest with sex and I understand. We tried IVF (only her family know about it, I cannot discuss to anyone but my boss as my wife believe my parents will tell everyone) and finally succeeded two years ago, we love our daughter but I was overwhelmed with chores (some of her demands can be tedious, laborious and illogical but I still have to do it), feeling undervalue as I no longer believe I mean much to my wife and frustrated when my daughter cried for mommy ever I'm next to her. She wanted to go for another IVF but her age making it ever more difficult (even the IVF specialist believed the previous one to be a miracle), I supported her decision as I won't deny her right, however I worry and fear for a few years of fruitless journey. I'm getting more frustrated with the lack of sex life recently and she finally agreed on Sunday night, the entire experience was dreadful, turning her back on me and playing with cell phone, showing me videos of a jealous husband toward his daughter and laughed (I do not found it funny), and I still remembered looking at her disgusting dark blue sweater. The event felt like I'm dying on thirst and begged her for water, she poured the water on the floor and I licked the floor as I'm dying on thirst. I'm currently experiencing signs of depressions (I had depression since high school hence "hello darkness my old friend, I come to visit you again") including shutting myself to her (I no longer want to look and talk to her since Sunday, she didn't understand why and I can't be bothered to explain to her as I already know the outcome), lack of energy and motivation (tired), don't want to leave the bed but have to as my office is my last sanctuary (I don't want to know what's my plan on weekend) with minor tears (my previous depression involved uncontrol crying for every 4 hours and I certainly don't want to happen again).