Very confused!

[Guest_15763780]

Hi All,
My husband and I started caring for my father in laws medical and financial matters 6 months ago. We have a POA in place and everything has been going well. I keep meticulous records of income and expenses so there is never any confusion. Recently the rest of the family requested evidence of everything and want to go through the books. I am okay with this, as I said, everything is above board and I would never rip anyone off. However, this has highlighted a mistrust amongst the family and they have very much started attacking my character and who I am as a person (the way they say things and mannerisms). I have been with my husband for 18 years so this really hurts my heart. I have never done anything to misguide their trust, always stick my neck out for them and would do absolutely anything for them - as family's do, right?

I expressed my anxiety and sadness to my husband about this and are now second guessing everything I have managed for my father in law. I have never felt good enough for my husband's family and they only really contact us when they need something however when I told my husband how I felt, his reaction shattered my heart - he laughed. 😞

This has now exploded in a big argument and now I am second guessing my marriage. This is out of character for my husband and he did apologise however this is someone I have been with for 18 years, how can he be so insensitive to my feelings?

I feel alone. Like no-one understands me and that I am not good enough for my husband or his family.

My typical response in fight/flight is flight. So my brain has me hypothetically heading for divorce, rather dramatic I know. But this has now raised some other serious concerns in our marriage, especially around sacrifices we have both made and communication style. 

We had a little hiccup a few years back and we adopted a very open communication style to get us through it. From my perspective I have honoured that communication style but it seems as though my husband is holding stuff back again.

We only ever hear from his family when they want something. We are excluded from family day outs, dinners are always scheduled when we are working and we only get a call when sh*t has hit the fan or they need something from us - money, help with something, babysitting etc.

We moved to be closer to them and we have been here for 18 months now - they have not visited or even ask where we live. I have given them our address a number of times too!

HELP!

Regards,

Little_Monkey

[therising]

Hi Little_Monkey

What you're doing is admirable, managing someone else's affairs. It's definitely not easy at times, that's for sure. With my brother and I having EPoA regarding our Dad's affairs, I can relate to how it's rather amazing how much someone was actually managing in their life before others took over. It can be rather time consuming, stressful and frustrating on occasion. So, I say to anyone else who has some critique about how we're managing 'You have no idea how easy you have it in regard to the lack of effort you have to put in'. To your in-laws, I'd be saying 'You know you can thank me if you'd like, for saving you so much time'. In addition, if you wish to be cheeky, you could say 'I would like feedback on my star quality when it becomes more obvious to you, once you've looked over the books and such' 😊

Partners...hmmm🤔. I have one of my own, a husband of 22 years and to say I find him questionable at times would be an understatement. While my 22yo daughter and 19yo son are legends when it comes to being able to easily gain a sense of how I'm feeling on occasion, my husband not so much. But that's a story for another time. Let's just say some people are better at sensing than others. Personally, I adopted the attitude of 'You not being able to feel for me is not going to be my problem. I'm more a solutions gal and will find those who can feel for me through a variety of challenges'. I have my raisers in life, those who raise my level of consciousness and my spirits. 

Not sure if you get along really well with your father-in-law and seriously want to do this for him or it's a job that's simply been given to the most responsible and able person (you). If it's the latter, feel free to say to your husband 'I've decided, this is no longer my job. I'm giving it to you. Feel free to ask one of your siblings to help you with it, if you need help. I've decided to dedicate my time to things that bring me joy'.