Am I hurting my husband more staying after I've had the affair?

Slove8

For 3 years I had an on/off affair with a family friend. It was very toxic and controlling and took me a long time to stand up to him and get away as he was a very influential figure within our community. It was very messy and he was having affairs with other women at the time. I could never prove. Ive since broken this down with a psychologist and determined i had a trauma bond issue with a man who was a narcissist. I became a horrible person and drank a lot.

I'd been married to my husband for 11 years when it started. 2 young children. He's a great man, with his own demons. But has always been my soul mate.

He drank a lot and wasn't a 'touchy feely' kind of guy. But we were solid. We work together, live together and do everything together.

I had no love for the man I had the affair with, rather just found myself in situations I could not remove myself from without him making my life hell if I did.

Fast forward, the guilt was destroying me. I finally broke it off and he began making my life hell. Not directly, but indirectly through other people. Previously, he took advantage of my husband and I's empathy (he was a chronic alcoholic) and used this excuse so we would care for his kids. During this time he was with other women. I saw how he controlled them and he treated his wife poorly. I finally snapped and it all came out.

When I told my husband about the affair, we both broke down. I destroyed him. He was so broken but he was determined to move forward together. We were in a very dark place for 10 weeks. But focused on keeping busy and put energy into our relationship.

We made changes to our lifestyle, stopped drinking alcohol, began hypnotherapy, and we are both seeing an online counsellor. We can't see drs or counsellors here as it is a small town and the man i had the affair with has connections with all these people. He's spreading rumours about me through other people he 'controls' so I just hide away and wait for the day we never exist within the same circles.

During this time of repair with my husband, the man would make threats, turn up unannounced to my house to indirectly antagonise my husband. Ie. Enter my property via the back as that was how he'd come when we had sex. Police were involved and he went to court. It still continues to now.

Everyday I live with the fear of him retaliating. I've ruined his marriage, his wife was my friend ive lost, the marriages of the women he'd also been seeing and my own.

I carry an immense amount of guilt.

I've avoided leaving the house for weeks at a time (I work from home). I've deactivated all my social media, cut ties with friends in that circle and I am devoted to doing everything I can to repair the man I've broken. There's cameras everywhere at my house, for protection, but also so I can 'prove' to my husband I'm not maintaining this affair. (He doesn't care for this, but it was a measure I needed to feel better).

The point of this is, I have everything I could possibly want. A man who still wants to move forward with me and make positive changes but the guilt of this crushes me.

My thoughts of myself are very negative. Everything triggers me. I have good and bad days. I'm filled with so much anxiety, hate and anger.

The man i had the affair with has a community rallying around him and i am just a whore.

There's been times when I have felt life is not worth living. The only thing that stops me is the fact I'd destroy another family and my husband would be completely traumatised.

I know this is my karma for my actions. Should I just set my husband and children up financially and exit? I don't deserve anything and I punish myself by taking all the pleasures in my life away.

Surely they are better off without my ups and downs?. I can't live with myself but am too weak to do anything so do I continue to fake normality for the sake of my family.

In my head, I just want to rebuild my husband so he doesn't think all women are like this and maybe one day he will find someone who he truly deserves.

I've previously been on antidepressants many years ago but they didn't work for me. I was a zombie and it made me even more depressed.

I know there'll be backlash from this post, I know I brought this on myself. I just need advice as to whether staying is hurting my husband more.

white knight

Hi, welcome

There is a saying "those that live in glass houses- shouldnt throw stones". In this case although other town folk are seemingly rallying against you they have all made mistakes in the past, some not so much and others more so. This by no means excuses the affair but it does highlight the human part of you.

Having said that, if you took away the history of that affair you would be the ideal wife and mum. So one flaw doesnt define the person you are, all the rest does. In particular your honesty you gave your husband and boy, what a man he is. So a few more thing I want to cover.

Guilt- it can be crippling mentally and serves only one purpose- with guilt it is less likely you'll fall into the same trap again as you want to not suffer the same hurt for you and your family. Apart from that guilt is like worry- it only forms ulcers. Trade guilt for moving on.

The man you had the affair with is using triangulation to revenge you and allow him to walk taller in the community as he demonises you. Spreading matters to ostracize you is a cruel act, an act I've suffered with my own family. It's no different, you lose people in your life because they believe the strong portrayer of evil behaviour even though they should take equal responsibility. This leaves you will few options.

Wait. Wait until the whole saga blows over which could take some months or years. If someone says anything to you "I've moved on, why havent you". In question format it places the onus on them to justify their approach.
Move. I'm sure you've thought about it. Personally I wouldnt. Scandals occur in every town. Time heals.
Focus. True friends and loved ones will acknowledge your efforts to maintain the family unit. The others dont matter.
Prevention is better than cure. I would attend a family counsellor in another town. There was obviously something missing in your marriage and this therapy will bring you and your husband closer together. It wont take much effort for either of you to close that gap that started all this.
Self worth. You are a wonderful person, believe in yourself and your future.

I have a few links below. You only need to read the first post of each and good luck. Reply anytime.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088

TonyWK

quirkywords

Solve 8

thanks for your honesty.

Tony has written a supportive nd helpful reply.

I do feel for you. You are not your mistakes.
I made a mistake when I was manic decades ago and people still remind me about my reckless behaviour.