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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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misties caring for Hubby with Dementia
  • replies: 6

I just need someone to talk to.My husband has dementia not fully diagnosed as yet in the interim they are saying vascular but could be lewy body.Mostly I can cope but on his bad days I feel so helpless, he tries to do simple things and when he is str... View more

I just need someone to talk to.My husband has dementia not fully diagnosed as yet in the interim they are saying vascular but could be lewy body.Mostly I can cope but on his bad days I feel so helpless, he tries to do simple things and when he is struggling and I go to help he gets angry.Some days its so bad he cant figure out how to take the catch of the screen door and gets very frustrated.I am sad I am losing him, when we go shopping his walking has become a crawl.

Guest_10225 Partner left me because of the horrible person I was while depressed.
  • replies: 2

I am truly struggling to grasp that my partner left me. We broke up because of how I was while depressed. We had split and 3 months later I went and sought professional help and was diagnosed with depression . I spoke to them about all the things I s... View more

I am truly struggling to grasp that my partner left me. We broke up because of how I was while depressed. We had split and 3 months later I went and sought professional help and was diagnosed with depression . I spoke to them about all the things I said and did, and learnt my thinking and reasonings about it all. All these conversations with the professionals I had I told her about, told her how my brain was working at the time and how it’s not a reflection of what our relationship ever was. I love her so much, and have been together for 11 years. But she won’t let me in completely. We are still in each others life’s, I still help her with things. She said she still cares for me. but because of my actions while I was depressed; the self sabotage - personal demons we broke up. It hard because she knows that’s not who I am. That it’s a disease of the brain - I’m making changes and seeking help and talking to professionals. But, It’s getting harder and harder.

Tracyaward Desperate for help with Adult Son
  • replies: 2

My son has been suffering for over six years now of severe isolation, psychotic break and can't even look after his hygiene. He lives with his father and doesn't shower, won't change underwear or socks and won't let anyone flush the toilet, clean his... View more

My son has been suffering for over six years now of severe isolation, psychotic break and can't even look after his hygiene. He lives with his father and doesn't shower, won't change underwear or socks and won't let anyone flush the toilet, clean his room. He won't eat unless it is at certain times one of which is in the middle of the night. There is so much more but as I don't live with him, I feel it's not my place.I feel now, it is getting way worse and I'm worried he won't come out of this.He won't see any professional and is petrified he will be admitted to a psyche hospital and locked up.We have tried everything. Please I need some advice.

815 Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope
  • replies: 235

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was dep... View more

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die. I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness. Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this. I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now. I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do. I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help. I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful. I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

1dayatatime Close friend in crisis cutting people off who love her deeply
  • replies: 1

Very recently a friend who is not only someone I consider one of my best friends or at least I thought was, but is parent to a child of mine's best friend has had a lot of bad life events happen one after the other. My friend has a lot of ptsd, and i... View more

Very recently a friend who is not only someone I consider one of my best friends or at least I thought was, but is parent to a child of mine's best friend has had a lot of bad life events happen one after the other. My friend has a lot of ptsd, and is also ND like myself so I know everything she feels she feels so intensely and deep which is why her and i got one another. Last time she attempted and had a visible breakdown she was hospitalised and i visited daily. This was during a crisis time of leaving psychological and emotionally abusive dv that still impacts her all the time because the ex and his family are all narcissistic that belittle all her efforts. it would be soul crushing knowing they are bad mouthing you in small but significant ways to your children with remarks like " your mother can't do what we can do for you" etc to always do grandiose outings and belittle anything she tries to make special and not about materialistic things to try and teach them to be about more than that. Anyway this lady has been through so much and homelessness periods, and stress of moving whilst grieving loss of a parent and sunk into her deepest depression yet. A mutual friend who's known her since highschool whom I met through her rang me super concerned so knowing how close they are of course I took it seriously and we both cried and talked about what we wish we could help with but is beyond something we alone can do and her friend decided to call the ambulance for a welfare check in because she disclosed to me she began taking things to cope that were not usual known behaviour because she just wants to stop feeling so much sadness. I don't hate her for this at all let alone think she is bad for this. She began withdrawing isolating herself but is also in extreme burnout just trying to keep a roof over her head, so i had a feeling she wasn't doing well but kept telling myself she's just busy like me with my own family's needs. Anyway due to the mutual telling me and me giving the mutual her location and mutual calling we have both been blocked. I don't know where to go from here. my heart wants to just rock up and send care packages or text her phone but i feel like she won't care or answer anything. i tried to message her sister to check in because i'm so stressed about the whole experience and am having ptsd flashbacks to losing my best friend to self harm in 2010. I'm trying to not think the worst but are we bad friends for calling help?

Sad_carer Struggling living with husband with mental illness
  • replies: 22

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression ... View more

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression which he recovered from with counselling & medication. Then in late 2010 he suffered severe anxiety & melancholic depression which was treatment resistant. Our wonderful doctor (who specialises in mental health) helped my husband through his previous bouts of illness sent him to a psychologist & psychiatrist. After counselling & changes in medication failed to work he was admitted to hospital for ECT. After 10 rounds we decided to stop as he was hallucinating which was distressing. He spent 7 weeks in hospital having the ECT, counselling & medication changes but was still very unwell when he came home. I went to hospital every day, went to almost all of his counselling sessions & psychiatrist visits for 5 1/2 years & during this time I had him on suicide watch twice. My life changed so much & then he finally started to come back. We took a trip overseas which was amazing but when we returned things started to change. It was gradual so it took me until things became really bad that I went to our doctor & explained everything to her. She advised me to go to the psychiatrist again with him who diagnosed bipolar. Once again my husband was not the man he used to be & I struggled to come to terms with another mental illness, more medical visits & more changes in medication. It's now been about 9 months & although he has improved a lot, things between us have changed. I still care for him but my feelings aren't the same & I don't love him anymore. Our marriage has deteriorated so much that it's close to being over. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought this would happen to us. We were an almost perfect couple. Last Friday I went & had a good talk to our doctor & she has strongly suggested we have some relationship counselling which my husband & I have both decided to do. I feel so bad though because it's his illness that has changed him & therefor causing the issues so it's not his fault. But I have been through so much, I am extremely unhappy & I'm scared about the major change that could happen in my life if we don't get our marriage back on track. I'm feeling very confused & no one I can talk to really understands my situation. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar & what the outcome was?

Guest_24334156 Reply to Anxiety & Depression on dsp
  • replies: 4

Hello. I hope this forum finds you well. I have a problem with anxiety attacks everyday and panic. I can't hold a job down successfully. Does anyone have any ideas to help me? I've tried many things but keep landing in it. I used to be a childcare as... View more

Hello. I hope this forum finds you well. I have a problem with anxiety attacks everyday and panic. I can't hold a job down successfully. Does anyone have any ideas to help me? I've tried many things but keep landing in it. I used to be a childcare assistant and animal shelter volunteer. I'm on the ndis now.Thankyou for reading this. If someone could respond I would be most happy.

HopeDream Supporting my trans sibling
  • replies: 1

Hello, I wanted to write on here as I don't know who to talk to. My younger sibling has recently come out as trans and is currently seeking gender affirming care such as hormone replacement therapy. However, my parents are very against this and so my... View more

Hello, I wanted to write on here as I don't know who to talk to. My younger sibling has recently come out as trans and is currently seeking gender affirming care such as hormone replacement therapy. However, my parents are very against this and so my sibling needs to earn their own income to pay for their healthcare. They are even considering moving out due to my parents' lack of approval. I am very stressed about all this because it feels like my family is falling apart. It may be selfish to only think about that, of course I am moreso concerned about my younger sibling's emotional safety and wellbeing. But I don't know how to deal with everything that's happening, if there's anything I should do, or if I should just let things play out. I am trying to educate myself at least. If anyone has any advice/support, that would be greatly appreciated.

Astarry Parents still traumatic
  • replies: 8

G'day I'm 57 years old and I'm embarrassed to say that after years and years of therapy, Iv only ' got,' the huge extent of trauma my borderline/narcassistic mother affects me and iv just put boundaries down. I've never been sexually abused. My pain ... View more

G'day I'm 57 years old and I'm embarrassed to say that after years and years of therapy, Iv only ' got,' the huge extent of trauma my borderline/narcassistic mother affects me and iv just put boundaries down. I've never been sexually abused. My pain and my trauma enveloped me all my life. Iv been there for many other people for years but never met a person with such a tragic story as mine without sexual abuse. For years I wanted to be close to my brother's but we were all equally abused just different. My youngest brother is a functioning drug addict however he has a very successful business and he is spending his money on what not. I want to reach out however I don't know how to.