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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Mimsa Self Harming Teen
  • replies: 1

Gosh, where do I start with this, I am distraught and need to hear form others that have been through this. I have a 13 year old teen girl who is going through some hard times. It started when she was in year 7 and was bullied by the entire school be... View more

Gosh, where do I start with this, I am distraught and need to hear form others that have been through this. I have a 13 year old teen girl who is going through some hard times. It started when she was in year 7 and was bullied by the entire school because she loved the whole furry world (where people design and create fur suits). She loves creating and designing them. Long story short she began to self harm as a way of dealing with her emotions, we worked very closely with the school and a psychologist and the bullying stopped and she got through it. Fast forward a year later and the self harming has started again, I've noticed she has befriended a 13 yr old online that has told my daughter that she identifies as a boy and is transgender. This child if from Canada, since then I've noticed that my daughter started dressing in boys clothes and wanted to cut her hair short, so I let her. The self harming also started again to the point that the police turned up at my front doorstep because she told someone online she was going to harm herself again and this child was clever enough to contact the authorities and report it. My daughter then told me that she feels like she is transgender, this was a shock to me, however I did tell her that I love her no matter what, but she is still very young to make these decisions as her mind is still developing and she might not feel this way in the future. I have her back into a counselling program and have her seeing a psychologist. I have confiscated all the sharps in the house and had to extend this to sharpeners as well, I discovered that she was removing the blades! On Friday I noticed a scrape on her arm and when I asked her what happened she told me she fell and scraped it on the concrete during sport. I accepted this, however, my mum told me this morning that she caught her scratching at the arm and that is what the scrape is. She was self harming using her nails now!! I was very upset and did not handle it the best way, I started crying and said that how am I supposed to trust her if she doesn't come and speak with me when she feels this way. I don't know what else to do! She is actively lying to me about the self harm and I don't know how else I can control my emotions, I feel she doesn't tell me because I get sad, this is something she told the counselor. Do they get better? Is there anything more I can do to handle this situation better, I feel like I myself am sliding into depths of sadness.

Noone Partners drinking himself to death
  • replies: 4

Hi. I’m new here. But how do you cope with some one that is drinking themself to an early grave.. the subject is strictly taboo with him so we don’t talk about it. I feel disconnected to him There is so much more but I don’t know how to talk about it... View more

Hi. I’m new here. But how do you cope with some one that is drinking themself to an early grave.. the subject is strictly taboo with him so we don’t talk about it. I feel disconnected to him There is so much more but I don’t know how to talk about it as I’ve not spoken to any one about it. I feel angry that he dose not care enough for us for him self to stop. Has been going on for years and years. I know I can not stop him as it is up to him . But I’m at the point that I am starting to dislike him.

Sparkling2003 Family Member who won't seek help
  • replies: 8

I have a family member who can be very irrational. We have tried talking to them but they get verbally abusive towards the rest of my family. Every time they get upset/set off they blow the situation very out of proportion and they bring up issues th... View more

I have a family member who can be very irrational. We have tried talking to them but they get verbally abusive towards the rest of my family. Every time they get upset/set off they blow the situation very out of proportion and they bring up issues that happened from years ago and even trivial disagreements like what sports team they go for gets blown out of proportion. They are under a lot of stress and we've encouraged for them to seek therapy and medication but they refuse or it then becomes a bigger argument as they claim they are fine and don't need help. The most frustrating part of it all, is that they make jokes all the time but whenever someone else does it becomes offensive to them. We have tried creating better boundaries but they go one step further by blocking us on everything. Really trying to seek some help on what we should as we are at loss with our family member. They are very emotional about everything we say or do even if it's trying to help in our eyes. Every move we make is the wrong one and we are feeling very defeated about the whole thing. It brings everyone else in our family lots of anxiety and sadness. We want to help them but they are refusing help. Does anyone have advice or guidance for going through something similar.

Mountain12 Feeling trapped and unsure of what to do
  • replies: 1

Hi, everyone, reaching out as I'm feeling anxious and depressed from my current situation. I feel that my wife has emotionally and physically abandoned me as she never wants to do anything with me (even when I suggest doing things as a family), and d... View more

Hi, everyone, reaching out as I'm feeling anxious and depressed from my current situation. I feel that my wife has emotionally and physically abandoned me as she never wants to do anything with me (even when I suggest doing things as a family), and doesn't want any intimacy of any kind (including no sex for over a year). Despite this she spends her time volunteering and doing anything and everything for people outside of our household. When I suggest we do things together (going for a walk, watching TV together, etc.) she says she is too busy. We have 3 kids and the relationship between myself and my eldest son is strained as I try to set boundaries around screen usage which my wife undermines. I'm actively involved in kids sport and the local community when I can. We had marriage counselling which worked for about a week and then things fell by the wayside. Lately when I've suggested we have a follow up session she says she doesn't want to or avoids the conversation. When I try to have a conversation to let her know how I'm feeling and what I would like either gets angry or says she doesn't have time to discuss things. I have a job that involves a heavy mental load and involves lots of travel that I find contributes to stress and fatigue. On top of this I work remotely when I'm not travelling and the only family I have are located in a different state. I feel really isolated and I'm not sure of the next steps. I love my kids dearly and I'm concerned that if I leave the marriage they will blame me and won't want anything to do with me. However my self esteem and mental health are really suffering. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Guest_17311433 Depressed husband
  • replies: 2

I am struggling with my husbands depression. We have been together for 13 years and have a 3 and 5 year old and they are very headstrong and difficult but also polite, smart amazing kids.my husbands depression started when our first child was born 5 ... View more

I am struggling with my husbands depression. We have been together for 13 years and have a 3 and 5 year old and they are very headstrong and difficult but also polite, smart amazing kids.my husbands depression started when our first child was born 5 years ago and refuses to get any help, but I feel I can't cope with the burden of it anymore. I have tried alot to help him over the years like booking him a gp appointment, couples counselling, encouraging him to go on trips with his friends, doing things he enjoys and picking up the slack with the house work, sorting bills and responsibilities for the kids. Recently he has been getting really angry at me and the kids over small things he yells and slams or throws things. I don't think he would intentionally hurt me or the kids but his anger is explosive and random so I feel I'm walking on egg shells so I don't upset him. He has no intrest in his kids or anything and blames his mood on me and the kids all the time he rarely takes responsibility for his moods or actions. I haven't told his family as iv felt it's my fault or burden to carry. I'm really resentful as I'm drowning in all the house work, kids and stress of it all. What should I do? I don't think I can give him anymore support without sacrificing my own mental health but I care for him and want him to get better for himself and our kids.

Wambianna Depressed boyfriend suddenly like a different person
  • replies: 1

My BF of 3 years, (we are in our 60s) has had several boughts of depression, lasting usually about 36 hours, since Ive known him. He sleeps and goes into no communication mode.I am on a 4 day birdwatching trip, alone, and he was quite ok with me goin... View more

My BF of 3 years, (we are in our 60s) has had several boughts of depression, lasting usually about 36 hours, since Ive known him. He sleeps and goes into no communication mode.I am on a 4 day birdwatching trip, alone, and he was quite ok with me going. But on the morning I left he said not to drop in on him as he needed to be alone. I felt sick. But took him at his word. While Ive been away he has rung twice , sounding sleepy and hardly talking, but sort happy to be in contact.But between these calls Ive had 2 texts from him accusing me of talking about his "mental health problems" to everyone and asking me very angrily to stop.He says he doesnt have the energy to discuss it. Of course, I have spoken to my sister about my worries around him but he can't know that. He has never been like this...nasty, blunt and paranoid. I don't understand him attacking me...is he finished with me? Im so confused.

Sometimes at a loss Is it a normal thing?
  • replies: 5

My 14yr old son suffers from severe anxiety and slight depression, this has been ongoing for years. Normally if he is struggling he will come to me for support. We have previously seen psychs, docs etc.He refuses to see someone again, and he just con... View more

My 14yr old son suffers from severe anxiety and slight depression, this has been ongoing for years. Normally if he is struggling he will come to me for support. We have previously seen psychs, docs etc.He refuses to see someone again, and he just confessed to me that he is having panic attacks daily, which I was unaware of. He also told me he doesn't wanna see anyone or talk to anyone but himself as no one knows how he feels and no one can help. He also told me that he doesnt want me to care about him, he doesn't want anyone to care.I'm guessing this is just a load of bs, but I assured him that no matter what he wants that my caring is not optional it will always be there regardless. I am wondering if this is a normal thing for teenage boys to go through or if anyone has experienced something similar as it has made me worried and upset and I'm not sure how to handle this. HELP please.

LFH123 Connecting with someone who’s in hospital
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, does anyone have any tips for how to spend time with a loved one who’s severely depressed and in hospital? They have been in hospital for several months receiving treatment, but without improvement. When we visit they are very withdrawn ... View more

Hi everyone, does anyone have any tips for how to spend time with a loved one who’s severely depressed and in hospital? They have been in hospital for several months receiving treatment, but without improvement. When we visit they are very withdrawn and it’s clear they don’t really want to engage in conversation. They usually love reading, but aren’t feeling up to reading books at the moment. We’re trying to think of other ways to connect with them, or easy activities we can do in their room that don’t require too much cognitive load, so they don’t feel pressured to make small talk whenever we visit. Thanks in advance.

skye1 Bi-polar infidelity?? is this a real thing or just the person?
  • replies: 13

just recently i found out my partner of over a year has been cheating on me for over 5 months. he is in the process of getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have never felt such betrayal in all my life, but i still don't hate him, and I'm still ... View more

just recently i found out my partner of over a year has been cheating on me for over 5 months. he is in the process of getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have never felt such betrayal in all my life, but i still don't hate him, and I'm still so prepared to work things out with him. am i being stupid??? I have read so many webpages (specifically bi-polar based webpages) on bi-polar infidelity being related to the hypersexulaity that comes with the hypermania. Is this just myth or is my partner just a scum bag? not that cheating in any circumstance is excusable whether it be because of illness of just the person, it might give me more inside on how better to deal with the situation. ??

Widowedmumof3 Year 11 School Refusal & Mental Health
  • replies: 14

Hi there, Thank you for taking the time to read this. My 16 year old daughter is struggling with school attendance. Last term her attendance was under 50%. While she says she likes school, getting up and out the door in the morning is a real issue. S... View more

Hi there, Thank you for taking the time to read this. My 16 year old daughter is struggling with school attendance. Last term her attendance was under 50%. While she says she likes school, getting up and out the door in the morning is a real issue. She has great friends, although their attendance is not much better, and she will often not want to go as she doesn't want to be alone. I have been in contact with the school, who have been supportive, asking what she needs and what will help get her school. But thus far we have no answer. I have tried to be supportive, encouraging,as I would do anything for her. I drop her to school on my way to work, and my work has been really flexible in allowing me to do this. I would do anything to help her. I have suggested constantly if there is anyone she would like to speak with (other than me) a friend, family member, school, psychologist, but she has refused. I believe the period of schooling from home during Covid has not helped her in any way. Two weeks ago she came to me asking if she could go speak to a psychologist as she didn't want to feel this way anymore, and asked if she could get a mental health plan. From this the doctor suggested PTSD (her father passed away when she was 10), depression and anxiety. An appointment was made to see a psychologist for 2 weeks after (which was the earliest appointment we could get) receiving her mental health plan, but she decided the day of the appointment that she was "feeling better" and cancelled the appointment. I rang the psychologist, hoping for something I'm not sure what, but they said that as this was the first time they were seeing her they were sorry but there was nothing they could do. This occurred during school holidays, which I tried to explain to my daughter that this was why she was probably feeling better and that once school returned, there was a chance that those feelings of anxiousness would return; which has occurred previously. But she was insistent and refused, and the appointment cancelled. We are now week 1 of term 3 and she has not attended school for 3 days...her friends have not gone either - they seem to be having the same issues. I am at a loss. She asked if she could leave school, but then has stated that she knows she will regret leaving and she only has 1 year to go, so close yet it seems so far for her.I suggested homeschooling, but she doesn't want to miss her final year with her friends, formals and finalising her schooling.I don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see her sitting in bed, I would do/try anything to help her, but I don't know what to do.Are there any words of wisdom out there?