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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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EllaBean My husband tried to end it, I'm not sure what to do now
  • replies: 3

My husband recently had a medical event which on its face liked unfortunate or to have a random cause. I found him, called an ambulance and he was treated and all was ok. I thought, though I did have my suspicions. After the event I gently brought up... View more

My husband recently had a medical event which on its face liked unfortunate or to have a random cause. I found him, called an ambulance and he was treated and all was ok. I thought, though I did have my suspicions. After the event I gently brought up my suspicions and he assured me it wasn't the case. Now, a few weeks later, he's admitted it was intentional. I'm so lost with what to do. Because the hospital believed him, he didn't get an MH support or referrals. We're in a new city and he doesn't have a GP yet. We've called around a few psychs, and they have epic waiting lists. He's reluctant to speak to someone, he has trouble opening up. As for me, I'm terrified to leave him alone. He's promised it will never happen again, but he swore it didn't happen in the first place, and that wasn't true. I've never been so scared in my life. And I know it's selfish, but I'm trying really really hard not to think about the fact that he tried to leave like that. That he did it in a way that meant I'd find him. I also think he's sorry I found him in time. I'm so scared that the guilt of what that did to me is a new burden on top of the already crushing ones he's under. I'm looking into a therapist for me. God knows I'm looking into help for him. But this whole situation just seems so unfathomable.

Guest_41458433 Digital & Gambling Addiction Self-Exclusion
  • replies: 1

Yes digital and gambling addiction are real but none of the big tech companies are doing anything about it. I asked a fried to please put PARENTAL CONTROLS on all of my devices and it worked. 90 days ago I made a commitment on New Years and the paren... View more

Yes digital and gambling addiction are real but none of the big tech companies are doing anything about it. I asked a fried to please put PARENTAL CONTROLS on all of my devices and it worked. 90 days ago I made a commitment on New Years and the parental controls was the only thing that helped me change my habits. Then I was beginning to wonder why it’s so hard, it’s because big tech companies don’t want us to self-exclude, they rely on our addictions to make profit. It’s too easy to bypass and we need a digital self-exclusion mechanism built into Apple/Microsoft/Google accounts. The App Stores keep making money, so of course they don’t want to implement this. But we need this. Self exclusion from institutions is easy to regulate, but not easy from a digital perspective. Let’s be the people who change this, and get regulators to enforce this with big tech. Are there any politicians who can help us extend self-exclusion into iPhones/Samsung/Tablets in the design of the products??

Hailey Relapsed and isolated alcoholic dad don’t know how to get him to get help
  • replies: 1

My father has been an alcoholic my whole entire life. He has caused my family and myself a lot of trauma, despite this my heart breaks for him because it all stems from his own issues he never got help for. He went to rehab and came out early claimin... View more

My father has been an alcoholic my whole entire life. He has caused my family and myself a lot of trauma, despite this my heart breaks for him because it all stems from his own issues he never got help for. He went to rehab and came out early claiming to be capable. He unfortunately released and I have put on a brave face and do the best I can to be there without triggering my own mental health struggles. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t shower or take care of himself, he locks himself in his room, his health is fine but he makes excuses that his health is bad and he is too unwell to do anything. Which, yes mentally he is unwell but won’t get help. He attempted to come off his medication alone and I believe that to be the reason for why he is starting to believe things that he has made up in his own mind thinking everyone is against him. He claims he wants to move away and start another life but he has nothing to his name and he will go and just blow all his last remaining money to end up with absolutely nothing. It breaks my heart and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t personally help him because it’s too painful, as well as the fact it’s professional help he desperately needs that we can’t provide ourselves. We have tried to get him to get help but he doesn’t want to go help and his narcissistic tendencies due to the alcohol causes a lot of distress to the family that we are at a loss of what to do. His behaviours tigger my ptsd that I have worked on and am still working on. It makes me feel so guilty that I can’t do more because when I do it takes a massive toll on my own mental health. I want him to get the help he needs and be better for his own health and for my family and myself to be able to build our relationships back up with him.

Guest_9820 I need help for my wife with medication
  • replies: 4

Hello, my wife and I immigrated to Australia a year ago from Uruguay. She suffers from depression, but at times, we were able to manage it with a psychologist and medication. Later, she stopped taking the medication and turned to yoga and meditation,... View more

Hello, my wife and I immigrated to Australia a year ago from Uruguay. She suffers from depression, but at times, we were able to manage it with a psychologist and medication. Later, she stopped taking the medication and turned to yoga and meditation, and it was working, as she never had luck with psychologists; they never understood or supported her. The issue is that moving to this country has been challenging, mainly due to the language barrier. Even though she speaks, understanding is difficult, especially under social pressure. This makes it incredibly tough for her. Moreover, for now, the only jobs she can find are in cleaning and hospitality, which brings her down a lot. We've been married for 6 years, and I always want to help her, but I'm not the best support since many times I don't have the right words to say, and sometimes I even make it worse with misunderstood words. These days, she reached a point where everything overwhelmed her, and she wants to take medication or something alternative to reduce her discomfort, even if only for a while. We have medical insurance,, but I don't know how things work in the country, so I'm reaching out to you to get opinions. I want to do everything possible to make her feel better and seek this information to help her. Thank you very much for reading everything.

Matchy69 struggling with special needs children
  • replies: 1005

Does anyone else have children with special needs.I am struggling with mine.My youngest cant use a toilet when their at the age they should be.I am getting tired of changing them,does that make me a bad parent?The constant hyperepisodes are taking th... View more

Does anyone else have children with special needs.I am struggling with mine.My youngest cant use a toilet when their at the age they should be.I am getting tired of changing them,does that make me a bad parent?The constant hyperepisodes are taking their strain especially that i am going through other personal stuff in my life

Kirstyt_1991 How to support and manage my alcoholic father who was recently diagnosed with cancer
  • replies: 1

My father, whom I don't have the best relationship with has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I believe my father is a a narcissist due to behaviours he has displayed. He is also a highly functioning alcoholic. He has taken no care of himself... View more

My father, whom I don't have the best relationship with has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I believe my father is a a narcissist due to behaviours he has displayed. He is also a highly functioning alcoholic. He has taken no care of himself or his health for essentially his entire life he avoids doctors due to anxiety. My husband and I have been supporting him through this diagnosis, even with the very vague amount of information provided to us about his cancer. We do ask regularly, he is just very tactile with the information he provides us. We have been taking him to and from appointments ect, offering him a place to stay and a hand while he's recovering. Each appointment he has been drunk and clearly stinks of drink. My concern is, essentially every single day since this diagnosis he gets off his head drunk. Then lays in bed all day the next day and doesn't eat. When we call in to his house he says he's feeling "sick" and ushers us away. Which before this diagnosis he actually had no idea he had cancer as he had no symptoms. This is something that has been happening for a long as I can remember, even though he denies it. However it has gotten significantly worse since the diagnosis. We now have real concerns that he was not honest with us about the cancer diagnosis. It may possibly be worse than he let on originally due to his behaviour. He has called me so many times drunk, can barley even get his words out and non-sensical crying saying his life is over for the last few weeks. This is really disturbing for me. He keeps saying he's not going to get time with his granddaughter (who he's essentially spent no time with anyway). It seems very odd that someone who received good news, that cancer was isolated to one area would behave like this. I do not know how to approach this subject with him as he is very dismissive towards me. Difficult to communicate with and oftentimes just downright mean towards me. He is due to have surgery next week to remove his prostate. I have insisted he stays at my place to help him with recovery from surgery, which he is adamant he doesn't want to. He has no help at home so he does need the help. I also want to see first hand if he is going to be drinking or not as he has always denied his drinking behaviours. Nothing stops this man from getting his drink. He is constantly drunk. He has had many incidents of drink driving and accidents with his vehicle that I don't know how he can deny it to my face. He has been putting his health at such significant risk with the drinking over many years now that it is incomprehensible to me that he could consider something like this was a possibility OR WORSE ! How to I even approach the subject of reducing drinking if he values his health and while going through this treatment? Please help?

Sunflower62 BPD son in prison, I’m over it
  • replies: 124

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had sta... View more

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

Puggs How to approach my 19 year old son about his possible depression
  • replies: 5

Hi My 19-year-old son has all the signs of depression. My GP agrees with me. But I have no idea how to approach him about it. My wife says to find a doctor, make an appointment, and force him to go. But I want to take a gentler approach and find some... View more

Hi My 19-year-old son has all the signs of depression. My GP agrees with me. But I have no idea how to approach him about it. My wife says to find a doctor, make an appointment, and force him to go. But I want to take a gentler approach and find some way to talk to him about it and make it look like we are ganging up on him. How would you go about talking to him about it? Puggs

smaireewall Partner's depression
  • replies: 7

Hi... My partner is 39 years old and severely depressed. He's also an addict which really doesn't help with his depression obviously. We've been together 5 years and there's a 10 year age gap between us, him being the oldest. He absolutely refuses to... View more

Hi... My partner is 39 years old and severely depressed. He's also an addict which really doesn't help with his depression obviously. We've been together 5 years and there's a 10 year age gap between us, him being the oldest. He absolutely refuses to get help, dismisses me when I suggest counselling, dismisses me when I attempt to bring up his mental health in general. He can be very hostile, says really nasty things and if I get upset he gets angrier saying I'm too sensitive and he is 'sick of having to worry about how I feel', which just ends up in me walking on eggshells pretending I'm not upset while he continues to take his depression out on me. I don't believe I'm too sensitive, I think being upset at being spoken to that way is justified. I don't know what to do, the thought of trying to have a conversation with him about it is exhausting, I just know I will be dismissed or spoken to like I'm stupid but I love him and don't want to end the relationship. The whole situation builds up this resentment in me because I can't believe that he would continue to feel like this and because of it, treat those around him like crap and still refuse to do something about it...is it wrong of me to think that as so selfish? Perhaps it is...I'm trying to be patient. Any advice would be appreciated.

Gato46 Wife Feft
  • replies: 2

Wife LeftResided in China for 20 years, married a Chinese women some 10 years ago ,(wife is 35 and myself 77 now) returned to Australia 4 years ago and with child and wife, she is very unhappy, myself not perfect some lies were told in our marriage b... View more

Wife LeftResided in China for 20 years, married a Chinese women some 10 years ago ,(wife is 35 and myself 77 now) returned to Australia 4 years ago and with child and wife, she is very unhappy, myself not perfect some lies were told in our marriage but I am to blame on all most everything, she suffers depression blame me for it, suggesting I should see a therapist instead of her . Sone after our daughter was born the she become aggressive and insulting and swearing at me angry at not listening at her advice about company matters, on many occasions she wouldn’t t stop yelling and swearing had to send her home with my driver, trashed the apartment a few times and I let it go thinking it has something to do with post-natal depressions, suggest then she should see a doctor but in China this is a no-no. Then and now, attempting to have some kind of conversation is futile, she constantly interrupts and get very angry. Just before she left our home, told me she was dating on line to find out if she is still desirable and find love , that was very hurtful. My daughter tells me , “mama wants you to die to find another man younger to look after her”. Left home some 3 weeks ago and said she needs time to evaluate our relationship and she wants to come back in two months. For the las 4 year no sex and the level of personal insults toward child and me and swearing is staggering. She said sorry for being a monster but her excuse ‘I am angry’. Twice had to call the police got crazy and attempted to commit suicide and taken to hospital , she convinced the doctors nothing wrong with her, they let he go back home. Despite everything , still ,call me stupid, I have felling’s for the women just very worried to let her back home without her seeking mental help , I have a child and she doesn’t want mom to come back home. The child become withdrawn, lost appetite and stroppy now , she tells me mama hurts her and I am scared of her. As an aside, my wife is a very intelligent lady, I employed her in China as my translators, and she had a BS in Exterior Commence, she told her self very fluent in English and turns that she was very efficient in to running my aerospace business, year later she become partner in to the business. My wife had an affinity to the western world and at my retiring we moved to Australia. Once she become an Australian citizen she enrolls at the universities to study law , first year passing all examination with very high percentage and she got herself a part time job as a clerical in a local law firm. She has a golden heart and shares with the family. Don’t understand how is possible someone with depression act normal and for some reason becomes a monster. Some time in my mind I think, was I used to a ticked to the west..? Our age gap is huge, then again culturally Chinese women don’t mind age and looks as long the man looks after them. Can folks with depression mask the change of personality..? what can I do to help, let her go to find her own way or keep soldering on..? Respectfullygato