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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Ranga-1 How can I help my 20yo son?
  • replies: 4

Hi. My 20yo son is showing signs of depression. He is not working at the moment and not doing much by way of job hunting. He has expressed interest in doing online TAFE study, but his dad and I are encouraging him to find some part-time work. I asked... View more

Hi. My 20yo son is showing signs of depression. He is not working at the moment and not doing much by way of job hunting. He has expressed interest in doing online TAFE study, but his dad and I are encouraging him to find some part-time work. I asked him last night if he was losing confidence in himself and he said he was. How can I support him and assist him? I am thinking of suggesting some volunteer work - this will help him see his worth and it can be rewarding, as well as giving him some transferrable workplace skills. He does not drive because of a medical condition. However, he is considering speaking to his neurologist for a certificate declaring him as having been seizure-free for a certain time, and then going for his learner's permit. We are in a rural area with limited public transport options I spoke with my own psychologist yesterday and she advised me to continue to be supportive, which I am doing, notwithstanding it gets so frustrating that I want to scream GET A JOB at him. This can be counterproductive because if he CAN'T get work, that's extra pressure. I would like to see him applying at least. Any suggestions and stories would be so appreciated for this very worried mum.

Need_support My partner says he doesn't love me anymore but I think it's his mental health doing the talking.
  • replies: 12

My partner and I have been together for 7 years. We own a business that we built from nothing that we both love and are passionate about. My partner is not a talker, he doesn't express his emotions well and never has. Our relationship has always been... View more

My partner and I have been together for 7 years. We own a business that we built from nothing that we both love and are passionate about. My partner is not a talker, he doesn't express his emotions well and never has. Our relationship has always been pretty great, we are very close as a couple and neither of us ever saw a future without each other. Around 2 months ago he randomly came out and told me he wasn't happy. He explained that he wasn't enjoying the horses (our business is training horses) and that he was burnt out and felt lost. I supported him with this and he was down but we were okay. Then he started saying things such as 'I don't treat you very well' and was concerned after a particular argument we had, where we both said things we regretted, that he can't possibly love me if he speaks to me badly when we fight. He got really fixated on this and admitted it was all he thought about and felt extreme guilt. This has now snowballed to the point where he has told me he doesn't love me anymore and that we should part ways. It has gone from him feeling extremely guilty that he treats me badly (which he doesn't) to now saying his feelings are completely gone and he has checked out of our relationship mentally. He barely speaks to me now and is sometimes quite nasty towards me. I do not retaliate when he says these things I always remain calm and am careful with my words. Through all this, I have noticed signs of depression, he still goes to work but has expressed hes not enjoying it like he used to. He doesn't go to the races unless he has to which is very unusual for him. His personality has faded, the once happy, confident 'big kid' that loves to be silly has completely gone. He gets angry and agitated very easily which is not in his nature. He doesn't smile or laugh often and has said things to me like talking to people is a big effort and he can't be bothered. He is not the person he was. He has acknowledged that there is a problem with his mental health but refuses to go to a doctor. He is getting worse with these behaviors every day. I don't know if this is all to do with some form of depression and he isn't thinking clearly or has he really fallen out of love with me? My heart and my gut feeling tells me he does still love me but I am not sure and I am really struggling to cope with this. It's all getting too much.

Snow Looking for Mental Health and rehab recommendations Qld
  • replies: 4

I have been drinking 1.5 bottles a night for the past 20+ years I am now in my early 50s. I've managed to hold down a full time job and I'm married with 3 amazing kids. Who get to see their mother passed out on the couch almost every night. Every mor... View more

I have been drinking 1.5 bottles a night for the past 20+ years I am now in my early 50s. I've managed to hold down a full time job and I'm married with 3 amazing kids. Who get to see their mother passed out on the couch almost every night. Every morning I wake and wonder when I moved from the couch to bed, hating myself and progressively through the day move from hate to it's ok, it's only a glass of wine. I have been to Belmont in the past due to depression. I know that my drinking is linked to my childhood. I just can't seem to lift the cloud I live under and seek the warmth of alcohol. I'm now on a fine line where i can't continue like this anymore. I know I have to address it and try and unravel it all to give me some peace and not depend on the bottle. I have top level health insurance and have been trying to find a rehab that feels right for me. I don't want to be feeling like a number and inconveniencing everyone. I want to be heard and helped. I don't want endless group therapy. I don't want to share a room with someone else who is experiencing life challenging lows. I don't want AA but an alternative to it. I don't want to go to a rehab that feels like detention or Cell Block H. I want somewhere that can help life my mind, body and soul without beeing too woo-woo. Ideally somewhere that is covered by private health or is affordable and won't take $100k from my super. Does such a place exist or am I wishing for unicorns and flying pigs? Can someone help me please? Before I loose it all. Thank you x

AnonymousM How to Help Husband with Paranoid Personality Disorder
  • replies: 2

Any tips on how to help someone with paranoid personality disorder ? When the psychotic episode happens, the person is not themselves anymore. They say hurtful things, and always threaten to leave (wife and children)? Difficult for me to always wake ... View more

Any tips on how to help someone with paranoid personality disorder ? When the psychotic episode happens, the person is not themselves anymore. They say hurtful things, and always threaten to leave (wife and children)? Difficult for me to always wake up with a feeling of dread and not knowing if something will trigger an episode.

Todd777 Insomnia Group Chat
  • replies: 10

I'm looking to talk to anybody who wishes to share their experiences or somebody else's in relation to the symptoms of insomnia and potential remedies. I have had insomnia to varying degrees for the last 12 months went undiagnosed for 6 months.one of... View more

I'm looking to talk to anybody who wishes to share their experiences or somebody else's in relation to the symptoms of insomnia and potential remedies. I have had insomnia to varying degrees for the last 12 months went undiagnosed for 6 months.one of yhe things i find quite psychologically disturbing is chest pain when i get fatigued due to no good sleep i have had heart issues recently too which makes me very paranoid although when I get a check up the doc says I should be ok anf recommend the fatigue as the culprit. What is it like fir other people that's what I'm was wondering? Any similar experiences? I feel like when I get the sleep my symptoms go away and even got some good exercise in although my problem pushing too much too early and alcohol. I think i need to go dry to shake this thing

Sad_carer Struggling living with husband with mental illness
  • replies: 21

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression ... View more

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression which he recovered from with counselling & medication. Then in late 2010 he suffered severe anxiety & melancholic depression which was treatment resistant. Our wonderful doctor (who specialises in mental health) helped my husband through his previous bouts of illness sent him to a psychologist & psychiatrist. After counselling & changes in medication failed to work he was admitted to hospital for ECT. After 10 rounds we decided to stop as he was hallucinating which was distressing. He spent 7 weeks in hospital having the ECT, counselling & medication changes but was still very unwell when he came home. I went to hospital every day, went to almost all of his counselling sessions & psychiatrist visits for 5 1/2 years & during this time I had him on suicide watch twice. My life changed so much & then he finally started to come back. We took a trip overseas which was amazing but when we returned things started to change. It was gradual so it took me until things became really bad that I went to our doctor & explained everything to her. She advised me to go to the psychiatrist again with him who diagnosed bipolar. Once again my husband was not the man he used to be & I struggled to come to terms with another mental illness, more medical visits & more changes in medication. It's now been about 9 months & although he has improved a lot, things between us have changed. I still care for him but my feelings aren't the same & I don't love him anymore. Our marriage has deteriorated so much that it's close to being over. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought this would happen to us. We were an almost perfect couple. Last Friday I went & had a good talk to our doctor & she has strongly suggested we have some relationship counselling which my husband & I have both decided to do. I feel so bad though because it's his illness that has changed him & therefor causing the issues so it's not his fault. But I have been through so much, I am extremely unhappy & I'm scared about the major change that could happen in my life if we don't get our marriage back on track. I'm feeling very confused & no one I can talk to really understands my situation. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar & what the outcome was?

Guest_86750942 Parent requires affirmation
  • replies: 1

My teenaged daughter and my partner both suffer from depression and anxiety. They are also in business together which requires me to physically help them every day. At times they are confident but are mostly i am an emotional support. I feel like the... View more

My teenaged daughter and my partner both suffer from depression and anxiety. They are also in business together which requires me to physically help them every day. At times they are confident but are mostly i am an emotional support. I feel like their emotional needs pressure me.

Guest_38404503 Seeking advice dealing with an ADHD & ASD diagnosed child
  • replies: 1

Hi folks, My partner's son (9) was diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD at a young age and, from what I've been told, it is quite severe. Dealing with him has become an uphill battle for both of us every day. Although we've tried to incorporate routines,... View more

Hi folks, My partner's son (9) was diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD at a young age and, from what I've been told, it is quite severe. Dealing with him has become an uphill battle for both of us every day. Although we've tried to incorporate routines, getting dressed for school each day involves at least one or two tantrums. And getting back from school each afternoon means there will always be some sort of fight with his siblings which will include near blood-curdling screams. I've known him for some time, but it seems that these issues are getting worse and both his mother and I are almost at the end of our tether not knowing what to do. I've tried engaging with him with things that he cares about - aspects of science and history as well as certain television series and comic books - but these interactions usually don't last for more than a few minutes before he is distracted by something else. I've tried discussing his outbursts in ways that I hope might allow him to see certain aspects of how others may feel, but this seems to fall on deaf ears. His mother and I almost fear the phone ringing while he's at school as we often receive a call to say that he's shouted at teachers or other students; run off from class; or destroyed property in a meltdown. While talking to him, it often seems that he's 'not there' - that I'm talking to someone simply parroting what they believe they're supposed to say so that they can be left alone. It's come to a point that I really don't know what to do - how to deal with him; how to act; etc. I'm hoping someone might be able to suggest things that I / we haven't thought of that could be of assistance. Cheers, -SJ

cant-cope At the end of my tether
  • replies: 7

My son is 38, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and Intermittent explosive disorder (By GP only - he won't go to psych for official diagnosis) years ago. His doc also suspects he has ADHD.He has been living with me for the last 5 years as he lost the h... View more

My son is 38, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and Intermittent explosive disorder (By GP only - he won't go to psych for official diagnosis) years ago. His doc also suspects he has ADHD.He has been living with me for the last 5 years as he lost the house he was renting and his job. He can't seem to keep a job, and isn't really trying to get one, not properly anyway. He has had some jobs he liked and was good at but after several warnings that staff are fed up of walking on egg-shells around him, he gets fired.He uses weed to self-medicate, and pays nothing towards his upkeep. He borrows money continually which I rarely get back. He doesn't want to be dependent on me, but can't seem to help himself. He is very often angry to the point of sheer rage and it is explosive. He doesn't get angry at me, and I am not scared of violence. He punches doors and breaks things when he is angry thought. He has a few medical conditions that appear to be minor but they are plaguing him and make him even worse.I am afraid to go home, and when I am home, I stay in my room all the time as far as possible. As I said before, I'm not physically scared of him, as I know he would never hurt me, but I can't cope with the shouting, screaming and rage in general.He often tells me that he only stays alive as he knows it would upset me if he took his own life. He blames me and says I should "Let him go" he feels he has nothing to live for and should just end it all. Despite this, he has not had any suicide attempts, or makes me feel that this is and imminent worry.I am renting this house, and want to move somewhere else, but I can't as I need to keep this house for him until he becomes independent and gets his own place.I give him what money I can when he is struggling, and this makes him angry too as he doesn't want to keep taking money from me, so I have to pout up with his anger even then when I am helping him.Yesterday he was begging me for help, saying no one ever helps him. I am trying to get him to seek help, but I can't do it for him. I don't know what I am asking really, as I know I have enabled him to be like this, and there isn't really anything anyone can suggest as he won't seek the help himself, but I just wanted to put my story out there in case anyone knows of something I can do

not_doin_well Punishment for self harm
  • replies: 7

I self harm. Kind of often. My parents know I self harm but they don't know all of it. My relationship with my body is terrible. I have an ED. I visit a psychologist. But it's been crappy lately. I've just been feeling down. I self harmed on my stoma... View more

I self harm. Kind of often. My parents know I self harm but they don't know all of it. My relationship with my body is terrible. I have an ED. I visit a psychologist. But it's been crappy lately. I've just been feeling down. I self harmed on my stomach a week or two ago. My dad saw it today. There's a rule that I get punished for self harm. Last time I got caught, my dad took my phone away until it healed. He's said before that he doesn't like my scars and stuff cause it 'makes him sick'. in the kind parent worried for their child way. But yeah. He caught me today. I'm year 10 btw. Idk, is this something I should be punished for? It's really confusing... I already have so many contradicting and conflicting thoughts in my head that cause me to spiral. This is just adding to the mess. But maybe I need to be punished? Maybe it's because I'm so nonchalant about them. I really don't know. Is self harm something I should be punished for???