Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Br1sbaneg1rl My Partner Suffers From Depression
  • replies: 2

Hi, My partner and I have been together for 14 months and for at least the last 7 months, it has been an emotional roller coaster. My partner told me within the first 2-3 months that he suffers from depression and he has tried to commit suicide befor... View more

Hi, My partner and I have been together for 14 months and for at least the last 7 months, it has been an emotional roller coaster. My partner told me within the first 2-3 months that he suffers from depression and he has tried to commit suicide before. Over the past 6 months he has bought a new business, a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and he has lost a friend to suicide. I really try my hardest to support him, be there for him and look after him but he becomes distant, withdraws, shuts down, ignores me, and treats me as if I’m invisible. I am confused at the moment as when I first met him, he was like a different person and it feels like he isn’t who he portrayed in the beginning and I don’t recognise him. I guess I have always felt somewhat taken for granted and unappreciated, but the past weeks have been crushing. He told me last week that he wanted me to be more supportive but I don’t know what else I could possibly do. When I asked him, he had nothing to tell me. I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do. Unfortunately, my mental health is now being effected and I feel quite overwhelmed and desperate.He has told me he use to see a psychologist and has been on medication in the past, however, when I asked him about seeing his psychologist he said no and he knows what he has to do. The roller coaster and ongoing stress is making me sick. What can I do to support him? Any advice appreciated.

_-_ Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?
  • replies: 34

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves. Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, althoug... View more

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves. Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can. It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine. I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance

Chocolate68 Husband with Bipolar Disorder
  • replies: 30

Hi there, my husband has had bipolar disorder for over 20 years, wasn't so noticeable or frequent years ago but as he gets older, there are 2-3 major episodes each year. Starts off with insomnia and trouble getting motivated, through to exhaustion th... View more

Hi there, my husband has had bipolar disorder for over 20 years, wasn't so noticeable or frequent years ago but as he gets older, there are 2-3 major episodes each year. Starts off with insomnia and trouble getting motivated, through to exhaustion then hyper mania for a few months then onto the downward spiral to depression. He is currently going through another episode, its been 6-8 weeks now on hyper mania and he has been taking anti-depressant and sleeping medication which is not helping. Last week he went to the Dr and was prescribed a mood stabiliser, which he now refuses to take.I am deeply concerned as this manic episode is getting out of control, he is confrontational, berating, not rational thoughts or suggestions, not acting responsively, and trying to reorganise the house (moving everything around and "de cluttering") and being hyper all the time and not being able to stay still. We are sleeping in different rooms as he is up all night, then crashes for an hour or two, then up again and buzzing around trying to "change the world". For the past few days he says he's been really dizzy and unable to stay still and has to keep moving.Monday we are back at the Drs for another assessment, I will tell the Dr that he is not taking his medication and suggest that he must see a psychiatrist. I feel totally exhausted with all his "in your face" behaviour, the kids understand that Dad's not well and know not to push things otherwise he just freaks out. I am very cautious when he is around, not that he would hurt us, but I don't know what's going on in his mind. I feel as though he needs time away from us, and I don't really love him the way he is. I know he is sick and it's the illness that I hate, not him, but I can't even be in the same room with him as he makes me feel so uncomfortable. This is not a good environment to be in, I have stress enough at work, and with the kids, school and a step father terminally ill with cancer, I don't know how long I can take his behaviour.I have no other family support here, his friends have noticed a change in his behaviour (some say he has been acting a little strange) but when I say this to him he thinks that I am making it up and it's me that has the problem, and apparently everyone else understands him but me.He blames me for the way he is feeling, he constantly seeks my OK for things that he does (when he doesn't need to) and believes that I say things when I don't (words in his mouth). He says that he knows I hate him (which I don't). He says that he hates me as I never compliment him and that I always say that he's never good at anything (which I don't). I just shut up now as I don't want to get into an argument.As for rearranging the house, at 3am the other morning I woke up to him clearing out the kitchen pantry (to de-clutter) and everything was out everywhere. At the moment, he is in the bathroom rearranging the vanity unit, putting stuff from the kitchen into the bathroom and vice versa. It's exhausting and depressive!Anyone want to talk or have some advice.Vanessa

Ranga-1 How can I help my 20yo son?
  • replies: 1

Hi. My 20yo son is showing signs of depression. He is not working at the moment and not doing much by way of job hunting. He has expressed interest in doing online TAFE study, but his dad and I are encouraging him to find some part-time work. I asked... View more

Hi. My 20yo son is showing signs of depression. He is not working at the moment and not doing much by way of job hunting. He has expressed interest in doing online TAFE study, but his dad and I are encouraging him to find some part-time work. I asked him last night if he was losing confidence in himself and he said he was. How can I support him and assist him? I am thinking of suggesting some volunteer work - this will help him see his worth and it can be rewarding, as well as giving him some transferrable workplace skills. He does not drive because of a medical condition. However, he is considering speaking to his neurologist for a certificate declaring him as having been seizure-free for a certain time, and then going for his learner's permit. We are in a rural area with limited public transport options I spoke with my own psychologist yesterday and she advised me to continue to be supportive, which I am doing, notwithstanding it gets so frustrating that I want to scream GET A JOB at him. This can be counterproductive because if he CAN'T get work, that's extra pressure. I would like to see him applying at least. Any suggestions and stories would be so appreciated for this very worried mum.

Guest_39694369 I don't know what to do??
  • replies: 1

I went to visit my partner after numerous recent calls saw she was upset about something.when I arrived into town and entered her house to talk about what was up she pulled away and said nothing I then seen that she was seeing someone else and still ... View more

I went to visit my partner after numerous recent calls saw she was upset about something.when I arrived into town and entered her house to talk about what was up she pulled away and said nothing I then seen that she was seeing someone else and still I asked how long for. I have a few mental health issues which were diagnosed on the prior day and her silence when asking for closure and how long was it going on has become threatening to my health. I have explained what her silence does yet she continues to not reply in any manner.. it is to the point where I actually don't know if she's doing this on purpose... what can I do??

SupportG89 Phone addiction with depressed husband
  • replies: 2

Hi Guys, my husband seems to be addicted to playing on his phone all the time. He plays games constantly. I am concerned because my son is a toddler and wants his father’s attention. I do as well even just for an hour when coming home. He is currentl... View more

Hi Guys, my husband seems to be addicted to playing on his phone all the time. He plays games constantly. I am concerned because my son is a toddler and wants his father’s attention. I do as well even just for an hour when coming home. He is currently fighting depression and anxiety he has been for about 2 years. I mentioned my concerns tonight and he did not take it well at all. I feel like I am trying to be understanding however he said it helps him cope. But I just want to mentioned while we are sitting as a family for like 30 mins a day can we please try to put the phone down? Just to connect? He just did not take this concern well at all. It was very defensive. I had to mention it because it was beginning to upset me. It’s just so hard when I want to voice how I am feeling I feel incredibly guilty. Because I just make him worse.

diDee2010 My husband is so reactive that I have shut down and fallen out of love.
  • replies: 4

We have been married for 40 years. I have been unhappy for 20 years or so. The problem is that I cannot have a voice in our relationship. If we are having a conversation, I can't finish a sentence with him interrupting me and taking the conversation ... View more

We have been married for 40 years. I have been unhappy for 20 years or so. The problem is that I cannot have a voice in our relationship. If we are having a conversation, I can't finish a sentence with him interrupting me and taking the conversation in a direction he chooses. If I ask him to change the way he does something (minor, like keeping the screen doors shut so insects don't come in) he blows up and says i'm always on his case. The way he talks to me is always in a tone that implies that I'm hopeless. I was a lively engaging person once upon a time. I feel like I am a shadow of my former self. I bite my tongue constantly and feel a lot of repressed anger. As a result of our unhappiness, I have lost love and any desire for intimacy. He drinks and smokes in excessive quantities, probably as a result of our unhappiness. I'm not sure where to go from here. Divorce would mean we both take a very big drop in our living standard but we can't carry on like this. Has anyone been through this? Is there hope?

Moth Supporting medication reduction
  • replies: 3

My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and commenced on medication 8 years ago. She completed a qualification and has been working, albeit with ups and downs, and periods of unemployment, but no hospital admissions. Recently she visited her ... View more

My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and commenced on medication 8 years ago. She completed a qualification and has been working, albeit with ups and downs, and periods of unemployment, but no hospital admissions. Recently she visited her GP and now tells me that she is planning on reducing her medication - she said the GP said it wasn't meant for working people, when she complained about the side effects and that the doctor is supportive of her coming off the mediction gradually. She feels she will manage work better without the medication side effects. She lives with me and has no close friends or other supports. I'm anxious about this going wrong and I know nothing about possible withdrawal from the medication or signs of it. My memories of past visits to A& E departments are not pleasant ones. As she has been relatively stable for so long she hasn't seen a psychiatrist in years. I'm trying to be supportive and positive as that is what has worked best in the past, but I'm worried. She hasn't actually started reducing the dose yet, but plans to in the next week. I'm thinking I should try and get her to make some kind of agreed plan I can act on in need, but I'm not sure how to approach it, without sounding overly negative about it. I thought about visiting the GP myself, but that seems an invasion of her privacy - she is well over 18 years old and needs to be independent too. If anyone can share information on how they supported someone to reduce a long term treatment, I'd really appreciate it.

navailableu helping others
  • replies: 1

i have had many friends over the years that i have had to support through issues, physical or mental, sometimes requiring constant reassurance. after a while i feel as though my reassurance isnt helping just because i say it so much. i mean everythin... View more

i have had many friends over the years that i have had to support through issues, physical or mental, sometimes requiring constant reassurance. after a while i feel as though my reassurance isnt helping just because i say it so much. i mean everything i say, but i feel should this go on longer theyll think im just speaking out of habit and disregard my help and get more down on themselves. is there any advice that i can get to help this situation?

CosmosMary Me
  • replies: 2

HiI have a 43yr son unmarried, no children, no home and feeling like he has no future. He desperately wants children and to feel loved by a partner. He works FIFO and that has contributed to the lack of meeting people in general so social circles are... View more

HiI have a 43yr son unmarried, no children, no home and feeling like he has no future. He desperately wants children and to feel loved by a partner. He works FIFO and that has contributed to the lack of meeting people in general so social circles are almost NIL. He recent was between jobs, finished one and waiting to start another, had a motorbike accident and now requires operation for bad leg injury. Stuck at home at mothers house (me) awaiting surgery, then long recovery. Job prospects fading with every tick of the clock...Gambles seeking dopamine hit, ADHDCurrently depressed on so many levels as per beginning of this post... cant see his life's purpose want to curl up and die....How do I help ??