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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Sad_carer Struggling living with husband with mental illness
  • replies: 21

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression ... View more

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression which he recovered from with counselling & medication. Then in late 2010 he suffered severe anxiety & melancholic depression which was treatment resistant. Our wonderful doctor (who specialises in mental health) helped my husband through his previous bouts of illness sent him to a psychologist & psychiatrist. After counselling & changes in medication failed to work he was admitted to hospital for ECT. After 10 rounds we decided to stop as he was hallucinating which was distressing. He spent 7 weeks in hospital having the ECT, counselling & medication changes but was still very unwell when he came home. I went to hospital every day, went to almost all of his counselling sessions & psychiatrist visits for 5 1/2 years & during this time I had him on suicide watch twice. My life changed so much & then he finally started to come back. We took a trip overseas which was amazing but when we returned things started to change. It was gradual so it took me until things became really bad that I went to our doctor & explained everything to her. She advised me to go to the psychiatrist again with him who diagnosed bipolar. Once again my husband was not the man he used to be & I struggled to come to terms with another mental illness, more medical visits & more changes in medication. It's now been about 9 months & although he has improved a lot, things between us have changed. I still care for him but my feelings aren't the same & I don't love him anymore. Our marriage has deteriorated so much that it's close to being over. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought this would happen to us. We were an almost perfect couple. Last Friday I went & had a good talk to our doctor & she has strongly suggested we have some relationship counselling which my husband & I have both decided to do. I feel so bad though because it's his illness that has changed him & therefor causing the issues so it's not his fault. But I have been through so much, I am extremely unhappy & I'm scared about the major change that could happen in my life if we don't get our marriage back on track. I'm feeling very confused & no one I can talk to really understands my situation. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar & what the outcome was?

Guest_86750942 Parent requires affirmation
  • replies: 1

My teenaged daughter and my partner both suffer from depression and anxiety. They are also in business together which requires me to physically help them every day. At times they are confident but are mostly i am an emotional support. I feel like the... View more

My teenaged daughter and my partner both suffer from depression and anxiety. They are also in business together which requires me to physically help them every day. At times they are confident but are mostly i am an emotional support. I feel like their emotional needs pressure me.

Guest_38404503 Seeking advice dealing with an ADHD & ASD diagnosed child
  • replies: 1

Hi folks, My partner's son (9) was diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD at a young age and, from what I've been told, it is quite severe. Dealing with him has become an uphill battle for both of us every day. Although we've tried to incorporate routines,... View more

Hi folks, My partner's son (9) was diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD at a young age and, from what I've been told, it is quite severe. Dealing with him has become an uphill battle for both of us every day. Although we've tried to incorporate routines, getting dressed for school each day involves at least one or two tantrums. And getting back from school each afternoon means there will always be some sort of fight with his siblings which will include near blood-curdling screams. I've known him for some time, but it seems that these issues are getting worse and both his mother and I are almost at the end of our tether not knowing what to do. I've tried engaging with him with things that he cares about - aspects of science and history as well as certain television series and comic books - but these interactions usually don't last for more than a few minutes before he is distracted by something else. I've tried discussing his outbursts in ways that I hope might allow him to see certain aspects of how others may feel, but this seems to fall on deaf ears. His mother and I almost fear the phone ringing while he's at school as we often receive a call to say that he's shouted at teachers or other students; run off from class; or destroyed property in a meltdown. While talking to him, it often seems that he's 'not there' - that I'm talking to someone simply parroting what they believe they're supposed to say so that they can be left alone. It's come to a point that I really don't know what to do - how to deal with him; how to act; etc. I'm hoping someone might be able to suggest things that I / we haven't thought of that could be of assistance. Cheers, -SJ

cant-cope At the end of my tether
  • replies: 7

My son is 38, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and Intermittent explosive disorder (By GP only - he won't go to psych for official diagnosis) years ago. His doc also suspects he has ADHD.He has been living with me for the last 5 years as he lost the h... View more

My son is 38, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and Intermittent explosive disorder (By GP only - he won't go to psych for official diagnosis) years ago. His doc also suspects he has ADHD.He has been living with me for the last 5 years as he lost the house he was renting and his job. He can't seem to keep a job, and isn't really trying to get one, not properly anyway. He has had some jobs he liked and was good at but after several warnings that staff are fed up of walking on egg-shells around him, he gets fired.He uses weed to self-medicate, and pays nothing towards his upkeep. He borrows money continually which I rarely get back. He doesn't want to be dependent on me, but can't seem to help himself. He is very often angry to the point of sheer rage and it is explosive. He doesn't get angry at me, and I am not scared of violence. He punches doors and breaks things when he is angry thought. He has a few medical conditions that appear to be minor but they are plaguing him and make him even worse.I am afraid to go home, and when I am home, I stay in my room all the time as far as possible. As I said before, I'm not physically scared of him, as I know he would never hurt me, but I can't cope with the shouting, screaming and rage in general.He often tells me that he only stays alive as he knows it would upset me if he took his own life. He blames me and says I should "Let him go" he feels he has nothing to live for and should just end it all. Despite this, he has not had any suicide attempts, or makes me feel that this is and imminent worry.I am renting this house, and want to move somewhere else, but I can't as I need to keep this house for him until he becomes independent and gets his own place.I give him what money I can when he is struggling, and this makes him angry too as he doesn't want to keep taking money from me, so I have to pout up with his anger even then when I am helping him.Yesterday he was begging me for help, saying no one ever helps him. I am trying to get him to seek help, but I can't do it for him. I don't know what I am asking really, as I know I have enabled him to be like this, and there isn't really anything anyone can suggest as he won't seek the help himself, but I just wanted to put my story out there in case anyone knows of something I can do

not_doin_well Punishment for self harm
  • replies: 7

I self harm. Kind of often. My parents know I self harm but they don't know all of it. My relationship with my body is terrible. I have an ED. I visit a psychologist. But it's been crappy lately. I've just been feeling down. I self harmed on my stoma... View more

I self harm. Kind of often. My parents know I self harm but they don't know all of it. My relationship with my body is terrible. I have an ED. I visit a psychologist. But it's been crappy lately. I've just been feeling down. I self harmed on my stomach a week or two ago. My dad saw it today. There's a rule that I get punished for self harm. Last time I got caught, my dad took my phone away until it healed. He's said before that he doesn't like my scars and stuff cause it 'makes him sick'. in the kind parent worried for their child way. But yeah. He caught me today. I'm year 10 btw. Idk, is this something I should be punished for? It's really confusing... I already have so many contradicting and conflicting thoughts in my head that cause me to spiral. This is just adding to the mess. But maybe I need to be punished? Maybe it's because I'm so nonchalant about them. I really don't know. Is self harm something I should be punished for???

Amands Tips For parents , how to cope with suicidal adult children
  • replies: 6

Any tips welcomed on how to cope with supporting adult suicidal children. All help he can get is in place , but it’s a full time job at home to watch and support him. thank you in advance .

Any tips welcomed on how to cope with supporting adult suicidal children. All help he can get is in place , but it’s a full time job at home to watch and support him. thank you in advance .

Amands Support / advice for parent for 25 yr old son with MH and alcohol addiction depression and suicidal.
  • replies: 2

Hello I would be greatful to hear how other parents of adult children living at home cope with supporting them .After years of suicidal idiolatiion, after his first and recent suicide attempt the ED after 10 hours waiting sent him home after asking h... View more

Hello I would be greatful to hear how other parents of adult children living at home cope with supporting them .After years of suicidal idiolatiion, after his first and recent suicide attempt the ED after 10 hours waiting sent him home after asking him are you feeling safe now the alcohol has worn off and yes sent him home. We returned 2 days later waited 13.5 hours in ED waiting room before seeing a Dr then MH person to be told there’s no point him staying in hospital as it’s the alcohol that’s the problem. long story short. It took 3 weeks to get a team in place no thanks to the hospital. He has re engaged with a psychiatrist , counsellor and psychologist. He literally fell through the system with the detox apts. I’m now advocating for him. How do you cope when they drink every night, demanding more than the agreed amount and the Valium and meds still aren’t enough for the anxiety.dual treatment ( MH and addiction) is hard to find in the public system. I’m looking after myself. I have stopped work for a month as I cannot leave him on his own he’s not safe. I have family helping. Thank you for reading.

Guest_10139 Help for a mate
  • replies: 1

I have been in a situation where someone I know seemed to be having a "mental breakdown", it probably is called. Received several weird messages and later found out that she was brought to a hospital. This was perhaps a year ago. She came back Ok aft... View more

I have been in a situation where someone I know seemed to be having a "mental breakdown", it probably is called. Received several weird messages and later found out that she was brought to a hospital. This was perhaps a year ago. She came back Ok after that and has been Ok until recently. She seemed to be having it again based on recent communication (messages) with her, and I'm concerned something may happen to her being alone in her place. Can someone advise what's the best thing to do in this case? TIA.

AnonymousM How to Help Husband with Paranoid Personality Disorder
  • replies: 1

Any tips on how to help someone with paranoid personality disorder ? When the psychotic episode happens, the person is not themselves anymore. They say hurtful things, and always threaten to leave (wife and children)? Difficult for me to always wake ... View more

Any tips on how to help someone with paranoid personality disorder ? When the psychotic episode happens, the person is not themselves anymore. They say hurtful things, and always threaten to leave (wife and children)? Difficult for me to always wake up with a feeling of dread and not knowing if something will trigger an episode.

tham_ Caring for my Partner's C-PTSD
  • replies: 3

Hey everyone! I just made an account today since I needed reassurance from a supportive community. I've been with my partner for about 4-months now, I'm the first person he's told of his C-PTSD and someone who he feels safe with. For the last month, ... View more

Hey everyone! I just made an account today since I needed reassurance from a supportive community. I've been with my partner for about 4-months now, I'm the first person he's told of his C-PTSD and someone who he feels safe with. For the last month, I've noticed he's been very withdrawn and quiet around me. My messages online haven't been read or responded to, and he seems distracted or nervous in person. However, he still seems sociable and excitable around our friends. I've tried gently approaching it in conversation but he dances around it and reassures me that he's fine. This was my first experience with such a sudden shift in our dynamic, so it was a little jarring, but I still was up to help. Since I started reading about it, I've learnt not to take it too personally with our relationship but it's still difficult for me to know if I'm helping. Little gestures of assurance that I'm ready to listen or just checking in on his day *feel* helpful, but how can I know? What will I see that shows he's ready to reconnect or that my efforts are supporting him? How long should I expect this to go on from now? My situation might be a little specific, but I mainly want to know what other people find helps them or others with their management. Thank You!