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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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_-_ Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?
  • replies: 24

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves. Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, althoug... View more

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves. Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can. It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine. I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance

Emsmum Supporting my 18yr old daughter who is suffering from severe anxiety and has been self harming.
  • replies: 3

My daughter has been suffering from severe anxiety and depression for the last year. She has a lot of support from counsellors and a psychologist and doctor but I just feel so helpless. She has self harmed in the past and is on medication from her gp... View more

My daughter has been suffering from severe anxiety and depression for the last year. She has a lot of support from counsellors and a psychologist and doctor but I just feel so helpless. She has self harmed in the past and is on medication from her gp. I just wish I could help. She just needs hugs from me which of course I’m happy to give. How can I show her or tell her I’m there for her.

soo ideas to support wife with depression
  • replies: 1

hey, Don't know where to start so I'll give a brief overview of past 5years. Been trying for years to have a child (natural and ivf) many miscarriages etc, finally we where blessed just over 4 yrs ago. Our baby passed during childbirth. Was a massive... View more

hey, Don't know where to start so I'll give a brief overview of past 5years. Been trying for years to have a child (natural and ivf) many miscarriages etc, finally we where blessed just over 4 yrs ago. Our baby passed during childbirth. Was a massive hit for myself and we have never been the same mentally. I can compartmentalise better than my wife I think. I still feel the sadness everyday and grt anxiety pretty bad at times (which never had before) but I keep on chugging. My wife has struggled alot since then, mentally. She has tried counsellors, medication everything I can think of and nothing has worked. We've had multiple other things happen that have been extremely stress inducing during this time but we got through it At the same time this happened I had changed careers due to wanting something to better our family long term which meant starting from the bottom and my wife having to take on more of a breadwinner role. Which she was fine with. I am 5months off sitting my final exam and finally being able to contribute more than minimum wage (am a 4th yr apprentice with another trade I've completed previously) I've injured myself at work lately and require surgery which means I won't be able to sit my exams for another maybe 12months. This has made my wife spiral like crazy. Lots of extreme mood swings, blaming me for everything under the sun - everything is too hard, I'm sick of working (i work 60hr weeks, but she makes significantly more than me right now), the goal posts keep moving, I'm at my wits end etc I've tried supporting her by listening and offering suggestions- go back to talk to counsellor etc (as I have no idea what to say) which gets met with anger and "I'm not crazy, they don't help, nothing helps" etc. I've asked what she wants me to do and she gets upset that i dont have to answers to everything. life's hard, you just have to keep pushing through it. It will grt better. But she has been an absolute wreck the last week since finding out I need surgery and won't be back at work for 8months or so. Next year was spose to be her year of being able to relax a bit, spend more time with our 2nd daughter. Me not being at work doesn't change any of this, I'm still getting paid, I'm doing all the house work I can with my injury. I just don't understand whats going on. I'm disappointed aswell but letting it destroy your life isn't going to make it any better. I just don't know what to do or what to say anymore.

Briars Intro
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I’m an alcoholic drinking 1.5 bottles of wine a day. Have done two stints at 7 day rehab last year but nothing sticks beyond 60 days. Desperate…

Hi all, I’m an alcoholic drinking 1.5 bottles of wine a day. Have done two stints at 7 day rehab last year but nothing sticks beyond 60 days. Desperate…

Guest_18368109 How do I help him?
  • replies: 2

Hi thereI'm currently on an emotional roller coaster with my ex-husband. He and I have been separated for a long time. We have two children and have co-parented them since our separation and consequential divorce. He is in his second low point for th... View more

Hi thereI'm currently on an emotional roller coaster with my ex-husband. He and I have been separated for a long time. We have two children and have co-parented them since our separation and consequential divorce. He is in his second low point for the year. I am trying to be supportive as he leans on me a lot.I consistently change my schedule to help make things easier for him, but then I get angry when he "checks out" and leaves me with all the responsibility. He is not seeking professional help at the moment, which also upsets me. He is not doing anything differently to help himself. He and his family seem to think all he needs to do is talk about it. I'm not a professional, so I don't know if this is true. He is a good person going through a hard time. I just want him to get better.How do I help him to see that he needs professional help? We've been to doctor's and he has seen (and been discharged from) a psychologist. Should I be saying yes every time he needs my help? Thanks in advance.

Guest_01195571 Carer of partner with anxiety and depression
  • replies: 2

Hi, my wife suffered anxiety and depression and is caught up in a sense of hopelessness. I use reassurance and positive reinforcement constantly. We have tried discussing a plan of care and action, however she won’t act on it. She is struggling with ... View more

Hi, my wife suffered anxiety and depression and is caught up in a sense of hopelessness. I use reassurance and positive reinforcement constantly. We have tried discussing a plan of care and action, however she won’t act on it. She is struggling with work ( not because it’s a bad environment) because her self esteem is through the floor. Unfortunately to pay rent, bills and eat, we need both our incomes. Suggestions for her to reduce hours, use long service leave have been discussed. I’m trying to positively persuade her to act on this to no avail. Her response is often that she’s not happy anywhere , not just work and how will sitting at home doing nothing help. It’s been like this for years on and off and months this time. I’ve reminded her that things do get better and she does improve. However, the sense of hopelessness this time feels entrenched. Looking for ideas of what to do? I’m using positive reinforcement , reassurance and all the textbook practices.If My wife was to use her long service leave, any suggestions of what she could do to help during this time out? Activities, therapies, retreats etc. Does anyone have any suggestions or recommendations? Thank you

Sad_carer Struggling living with husband with mental illness
  • replies: 20

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression ... View more

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression which he recovered from with counselling & medication. Then in late 2010 he suffered severe anxiety & melancholic depression which was treatment resistant. Our wonderful doctor (who specialises in mental health) helped my husband through his previous bouts of illness sent him to a psychologist & psychiatrist. After counselling & changes in medication failed to work he was admitted to hospital for ECT. After 10 rounds we decided to stop as he was hallucinating which was distressing. He spent 7 weeks in hospital having the ECT, counselling & medication changes but was still very unwell when he came home. I went to hospital every day, went to almost all of his counselling sessions & psychiatrist visits for 5 1/2 years & during this time I had him on suicide watch twice. My life changed so much & then he finally started to come back. We took a trip overseas which was amazing but when we returned things started to change. It was gradual so it took me until things became really bad that I went to our doctor & explained everything to her. She advised me to go to the psychiatrist again with him who diagnosed bipolar. Once again my husband was not the man he used to be & I struggled to come to terms with another mental illness, more medical visits & more changes in medication. It's now been about 9 months & although he has improved a lot, things between us have changed. I still care for him but my feelings aren't the same & I don't love him anymore. Our marriage has deteriorated so much that it's close to being over. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought this would happen to us. We were an almost perfect couple. Last Friday I went & had a good talk to our doctor & she has strongly suggested we have some relationship counselling which my husband & I have both decided to do. I feel so bad though because it's his illness that has changed him & therefor causing the issues so it's not his fault. But I have been through so much, I am extremely unhappy & I'm scared about the major change that could happen in my life if we don't get our marriage back on track. I'm feeling very confused & no one I can talk to really understands my situation. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar & what the outcome was?

MJ28 Psychosis after long term cannabis use
  • replies: 2

My ex-partner & I broke nearly a year ago but have remained on good terms and see each other a few times a month, as we own a house and a dog together. I live in the house and he lives with a family member. For approx the last 3 years his personality... View more

My ex-partner & I broke nearly a year ago but have remained on good terms and see each other a few times a month, as we own a house and a dog together. I live in the house and he lives with a family member. For approx the last 3 years his personality and behaviour has begun to change. He gets very moody and snappy over small things, has lost a lot of weight and has become quite manic, tearing around doing multiple things at once. Because of a chronic pain condition his sleep was never good, but now he goes a few nights without sleeping and then crashes for 24 hours. He’s become disorganised and loses his car keys or wallet or phone, leading to various dramas where he gets stranded somewhere or doesn’t have money or has conflict at workplaces. He’s smoked daily cannabis for many years which he was able to manage over that time. He denies using any other substances. His behaviour in the last week has really alarmed me now though. He came over to the house and said that he saw people watching us in bushland beyond our back fence and insisted I look too, but there was no-one there. He found a hole in a door knob which he said was evidence of a camera being hidden in there, but there was no camera. He said he smelt things in the house that weren’t there. He thinks people are plotting to break into the shed. He then claimed the neighbour across the road had shouted something at him, and then called the police because he said the neighbour had tampered with his petrol cap. I looked at the petrol cap later but there were no marks on it, and it’s not in the neighbour’s character to shout at us. It was just totally bizarre and I said to him, you need help, you’re going through psychosis and seeing and hearing things that aren’t real. But he refuses to see a GP because to him, these things are all real and I’m the one who’s choosing not to face up to reality. He’s in his mid 50s and I’m wondering whether it’s drug induced psychosis or he’s developed some type of schizoaffective disorder. He’s turned into someone that I don’t recognise from what he used to be. Does anyone else here have experience with a loved one who has smoked cannabis for many years seemingly without ill effect but then suddenly changes in mid life? Even his appearance has changed. I don’t know how to help him if he doesn’t recognise that he’s got a problem himself, and see a GP for an anti psychotic med or to stop smoking or to help him sleep. But he’s a danger to himself or possibly others if these delusions and hallucinations continue. People close to him have also noticed changes and odd behaviours but he won’t listen to any of us.

India Partner left 33 year relationship for girl half his age
  • replies: 7

My partner (who is 62) of 33 years told me in February this year that he had a crush on a 30 year old girl he worked with who felt the same way for him and in his words “I’ve got to go for it” he moved out 4 days later and has just gone straight into... View more

My partner (who is 62) of 33 years told me in February this year that he had a crush on a 30 year old girl he worked with who felt the same way for him and in his words “I’ve got to go for it” he moved out 4 days later and has just gone straight into a new life with this 30 year old and her daughter. it was completely out of the blue. All our family and friends were as shocked as I wasWe have 3 daughters the eldest who is 30 years oldI am getting better after some counselling but now just feel like who am I? I am 10 years younger than him so I was 18 when we got together and fell pregnant at 21. My youngest daughter is the only one currently living in the same state as me and her and her lovely partner have just moved in with me to the family home All 3 of my daughters have been supportive (especially the youngest one living here) We argued a lot when the girls were young as we never agreed on parenting style. I had to work the most when the girls were younger as money was also an issue. He was always worried that I would meet someone and leave him as I liked to get out the house more and socialise with friends, but I told him I couldn’t even think about doing that as I was so tied to him. I don’t know how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. I thought at first I’ll be fine if I don’t have another partner, I was always fine with my own company as well as enjoying friends company before I met him. Now whenever I’m alone my thoughts start racing back to how could he do this and going over why and the issues with our relationship. Although I know I’m better if I don’t have contact with him every 3/4 weeks I can’t help but text him asking questions about how, why he did thisNow my confidence (which was low anyway) feels so low. I’m questioning my mothering and myself. I keep going over in my head that I was 18 the last time I was on my own and he’s just thrown 33 years of our house, dogs and my family away. I feel so lost in myself. I’m so much better when I’m with other people but as soon as I’m alone my thoughts are back on what’s happened and I often end up crying. I don’t know how to love myself