At the end of my tether

[cant-cope]

My son is 38, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and Intermittent explosive disorder (By GP only -  he won't go to psych for official diagnosis) years ago. His doc also suspects he has ADHD.

He has been living with me for the last 5 years as he lost the house he was renting and his job. He can't seem to keep a job, and isn't really trying to get one, not properly anyway. He has had some jobs he liked and was good at but  after several warnings that staff are fed up of walking on egg-shells around him, he gets fired.

He uses weed to self-medicate, and pays nothing towards his upkeep. He borrows money continually which I rarely get back. He doesn't want to be dependent on me, but can't seem to help himself. He is very often angry to the point of sheer rage and it is explosive. He doesn't get angry at me, and I am not scared of violence. He punches doors and breaks things when he is angry thought. 

He has a few medical conditions that appear to be minor but they are plaguing him and make him even worse.

I am afraid to go home, and when I am home, I stay in my room all the time as far as possible. As I said before, I'm not physically scared of him, as I know he would never hurt me, but I can't cope with the shouting, screaming and rage in general.

He often tells me that he only stays alive as he knows it would upset me if he took his own life. He blames me and says I should "Let him go" he feels he has nothing to live for and should just end it all. Despite this, he has not had any suicide attempts, or makes me feel that this is and imminent worry.

I am renting this house, and want to move somewhere else, but I can't as I need to keep this house for him until he becomes independent and gets his own place.

I give him what money I can when he is struggling, and this makes him angry too as he doesn't want to keep taking money from me, so I have to pout up with his anger even then when I am helping him.

Yesterday he was begging me for help, saying no one ever helps him. I am trying to get him to seek help, but I can't do it for him. 

I don't know what I am asking really, as I know I have enabled him to be like this, and there isn't really anything anyone can suggest as he won't seek the help himself, but I just wanted to put my story out there in case anyone knows of something I can do

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A brave post. I have bipolar among other things and can somewhat see some of what he's tolerating with society, work people etc. But  firstly lets address his behaviour clearly.

Regardless of his (unofficial) diagnosis (Intermittent explosive disorder) any form of violence mentally and/or physically  is not acceptable- at all. Everything you mentioned isnt acceptable regardless of illness.

Diagnosis- he does need an official diagnosis. It's good that your GP has at least given some rough mention of possible illnesses but it isnt enough. On the other hand as an adult your son doesn't have to attend specialists and its a shame he has that stubbornness as you become the victim.

Finances. Is he getting Government allowances? Dole? DSP?. Do you get carers allowance?. See, giving him money when he uses some of it to buy weed is a form of enabling him and I'm not convinced weed is a positive medication.

Suicide?. Just because he hasnt tried is zero indication it isnt going to be on the radar at any time. As someone that has made an attempt and my brother and uncle both passed that way, giving out warnings wasnt present.

Some insight from my lived experience- I'm retired but in my 40 years of employment I had 90+ jobs, 15 professions and found all workplaces intolerable. I found people annoying, untrustworthy and above all cruel and lacking empathy for anyone that didnt fit into the circle of "normality". I relate to him fully here. It's why he wont look for work as he feels he's failed in that area. As for you, you are a gem, you've stuck by him and are closest to him, thats gold for a person with bipolar. So the best advice I can give you is to capitalise on that to make life better for you. You are the one that needs the help and he is the one that needs the professional intervention.

• Forget worrying about him getting work but make his home life productive- mowing the lawns, doing his bit
• Slowly mention boundaries- yelling, drama, punching walls. However you can do it. If it means a visit to the police to explain what he does and for them to visit when he does it , then that would help. They might make up a story that they heard yelling rom the street etc.
• Weed isnt the way to go. Financing it is not ideal. No giving money until he repays what he borrowed. 
• Seek if Govt allowance is available. He wont get DSP without specialists support so he is doing you a misfavour.
• I've been on bipolar meds for 15 years, my life is now very good. He needs to be evaluated
• Strategies like refusing to reply to him while he yells, you sitting and calmly saying "I'll talk when you sit and talk calmly to me" is setting limits.

Reply anytime. I'm here daily

TonyWK

•  

[Onefootinfront]

Hi.  I just read your post and I feel your pain.  My youngest is now going through a really bad time and although I've been here before with my eldest it doesn't get any easier.  I'm fact the opposite. This time I've decided to get help myself because I'm so worried about how I react and manage things is either enabling or adding to his pain and mental health.  I never know the right thing to do so I just have to try and manage my emotions and make decisions knowing I'm doing the best I can.  My eldest struggled so bad that addiction and suicide attempts became her world for about 4 -5 years.  She is in a good place now at 30. But the reality is mental heath is always in the background.  So I am mindful of all of this with my youngest. It's so hard and unless you have experience of this then I think it's hard for people to understand.  People mean well but all my kids are diagnosed ADHD so this also factors.  Some days it's so overwhelming.  I hope you are looking after yourself and being kind to yourself.  All you can do is your best,  what ever that looks like each day/ hour of the day x

[cant-cope]

Hi Tony, thank you so much for your reply. You were very informative and understanding, of both my son and myself. Firstly, let me say that I don't discount the suicide threats just because it feels unlikely. I know how things can change quickly in the heat of the moment and I try to stay vigilant.

All your advice is sound. Ill try to stand up to him more but Im struggling with that. A lot. 

Im glad to hear you're on meds and doing well. If I could get him to that point I'm sure he'd be happier. 

He gets dole money. Nope, no carers allowance as he's not fully diagnosed and won't do anything about it. I dont need that anyway, as I work full time. Which keeps the roof over his head.

I so want to move to my partners house but need to keep my current place so he has somewhere to live. I feel trapped whichever way I turn

[cant-cope]

Thank you so much for your kind supportive words. 

[white knight]

Such a hard situation to find solutions. That in itself tells me that professional help is warranted.

I suggest a family counsellor.  Invite your son to go along. If he refuses then go alone or with your partner. That's because to help him your need to care for yourself.

Counsellors as great, they'll have some solutions.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK 

[cant-cope]

Thank you. He won't go, but Im trying to find something for myself

[white knight]

OK. Hope you find a counsellor you like. They can offer clarity and options.

Good luck.

TonyWK