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Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Mr_E My wife self harms and I feel helpless
  • replies: 4

How do I say this... My partner (married 12 years) has always struggled with depression, and they have self harmed in the past. But recently, these past months things have gotten bad. They have a lot of pressure on them from family troubles, and they... View more

How do I say this... My partner (married 12 years) has always struggled with depression, and they have self harmed in the past. But recently, these past months things have gotten bad. They have a lot of pressure on them from family troubles, and they are seeing a counsellor about past trauma they have had as well (had been groomed as a child) they are unpacking those feelings. But it has opened them back up to self-harming. On the outside they usually seem fine, they function and otherwise act normally. Sometimes they reach out for extra hugs and love and I try to be there for that. Admittedly I haven't been the best support person in the past, and this has caused them to hesitate asking me for help. I'm working on getting better, cooking more and cleaning more. Their mood is directly related to the weather and how clean the house is. They have asked me to take their means of self harm and keep them so they have less access. But they end up just going out to buy more secretly and use those instead. I've given up hiding them The part I'm struggling with, is every time I see their legs, and see the damage they have done to themselves... I despair. Not openly Infront of them, I realize that if they see how much it bothers me it will not help them heal from it. But I can't help but feel disturbed. I fool myself to thinking things are getting better and then I notice the cuts have spread onto their other leg as well. We have carefully talked about it, and they have told me they do it to help them function, to remain in control. They call it a symptom of depression that will go away on its own. But this time it only looks like it's getting worse and I don't know what to do. They want intimacy from me, they want to feel loved and wanted. But I find my attraction flagging when I see that kind of damage. I don't want to be sexually intimate after I'm visually reminded... I mean, it's not that I don't want to, but I can't keep my head from spinning out and losing any arousal I had. I am talking to a counsellor, and my partner is too.. even so. I don't know what I can do. I don't feel like it's helping me find solutions. And maybe there isn't a solution necessarily? Maybe it's just a matter of time and effort and eventually it will stop on its own like they say if I try for long enough. I'm feeling very helpless. I know it's not my fault, but I do feel like I have contributed to their actions by not being supportive enough. If anyone has suggestions of what I could try.. out even if you just want to read and tell me your own experience too. I'm lost, I want to help them, but how do I help if they don't help themselves? I want to be supportive, which is why I'm coming here. But part of me wants to give up on them... and I feel ashamed to think that way. Thank you for reading

Snow Looking for Mental Health and rehab recommendations Qld
  • replies: 3

I have been drinking 1.5 bottles a night for the past 20+ years I am now in my early 50s. I've managed to hold down a full time job and I'm married with 3 amazing kids. Who get to see their mother passed out on the couch almost every night. Every mor... View more

I have been drinking 1.5 bottles a night for the past 20+ years I am now in my early 50s. I've managed to hold down a full time job and I'm married with 3 amazing kids. Who get to see their mother passed out on the couch almost every night. Every morning I wake and wonder when I moved from the couch to bed, hating myself and progressively through the day move from hate to it's ok, it's only a glass of wine. I have been to Belmont in the past due to depression. I know that my drinking is linked to my childhood. I just can't seem to lift the cloud I live under and seek the warmth of alcohol. I'm now on a fine line where i can't continue like this anymore. I know I have to address it and try and unravel it all to give me some peace and not depend on the bottle. I have top level health insurance and have been trying to find a rehab that feels right for me. I don't want to be feeling like a number and inconveniencing everyone. I want to be heard and helped. I don't want endless group therapy. I don't want to share a room with someone else who is experiencing life challenging lows. I don't want AA but an alternative to it. I don't want to go to a rehab that feels like detention or Cell Block H. I want somewhere that can help life my mind, body and soul without beeing too woo-woo. Ideally somewhere that is covered by private health or is affordable and won't take $100k from my super. Does such a place exist or am I wishing for unicorns and flying pigs? Can someone help me please? Before I loose it all. Thank you x

Zebra103 Friends aren't always there, but family are
  • replies: 1

Hey Guys, I have one friend who talked behind my back with her other friend and is toxic to me when in text. Every night she will text "Are we best friends" and "Do u like me or someone else like "she talks rubbish about ppl and then goes and says, "... View more

Hey Guys, I have one friend who talked behind my back with her other friend and is toxic to me when in text. Every night she will text "Are we best friends" and "Do u like me or someone else like "she talks rubbish about ppl and then goes and says, "Did u talk about me", She's Always like "Ur mad at me", And no, I'm not mad, I've been depressed for around a year now, im always sad, and people have even pointed that out, this one girl said, "Oh she's so depressed, all she does is stare", So no, I'm not mad, I'm not mad at anyone, I'm sad you would think that I'm so sad. I haven't been happy for ages, and i just watch life fly by, like I'm watching someone else's memories, i honestly don't think i belong in this world, the only thing that keeps me together is my family, who can relate or am i just weird?

Olliepop My own mental health vs supporting my husband
  • replies: 2

Hello, I feel stuck.My husband is going through some stressful times, quitting his job/finding a new one.He puts alot of pressure on himself, always. Has very high expectations for everyone around him also. In this includes both myself and my son. I ... View more

Hello, I feel stuck.My husband is going through some stressful times, quitting his job/finding a new one.He puts alot of pressure on himself, always. Has very high expectations for everyone around him also. In this includes both myself and my son. I understand my husband level of life is high, hes very tidy, ocd, etc.etc. He is also very commenty. By this i mean, if he doesnt like something he will bluntly say it, when i flag that hurt my feelings, he just says im sensitive. I have to drill it into him no, im not sensitive, what youre saying isnt right. Its not "okay". This also comes into play with our son, hes very harsh (i feel) to him also, but i do know about that dad/son relationship doesnt need to be like the mum/son.Whats made me bothered, is a few nights ago, i discussed with my husband how sometimes his words i can see get to our son, even if he doesnt mean it, it sounds bad. He agreeed, however the same night my husband clearly was overthinking things.. our son came to say goodnight to his dad, and hesitated if he could come hug him.. to me, thats wrong. regardless if youre mum, he hugs you more etc. My husband got angry and said just because im not like you stop making things up in your head.which i saw a gaslighting... i got upset and said i open up to you, and you accuse me of making things up in my head. I left the room, and my husband hasnt spoken to me since. almost 2 full days... im so disappointed in him. there are a number of times he acts or does things and i NEVER ignore him, ever.regardless of how mad you have gotten, id never make it uncomfortable.Yes, he is going through it rough, and sometimes the partners cop the tough end, but man.. this one is rough.

panda5 Im scared my dad might hurt himself
  • replies: 2

My dad has been depressed fir as long as i can remember but he seriously injured himself a couple of months ago forcing him out of work. it feels like his depression has skyrocketed to the point im scared he might seriously harm himself if he doesnt ... View more

My dad has been depressed fir as long as i can remember but he seriously injured himself a couple of months ago forcing him out of work. it feels like his depression has skyrocketed to the point im scared he might seriously harm himself if he doesnt get help soon. he is 60 years old but im only 19 and have my own mental health struggles so i dint feel equipped to help him. because he is so stuck in his old ways he just refuses to get professional help beyond the antidepressants he had been on for years and years. ive been having nightmares and i really just dont know how to make it all ok beyond calling the police and having him committed to a mental hospital. i think im just looking for any advice or reassurance or anything on how i can support him without it all getting unfolded on me cause i know i wont be able to handle it on top of uni and everything

Ceecee How can I help?
  • replies: 1

Hello, this is my first post. My husband and I have been together 13 years and we have 3 beautiful children.He struggles with his mental health daily and since the beginning I have taken the household load, I do all the chores and he does the dishes ... View more

Hello, this is my first post. My husband and I have been together 13 years and we have 3 beautiful children.He struggles with his mental health daily and since the beginning I have taken the household load, I do all the chores and he does the dishes 1-2 times a week. I deal with all the financial stuff and organize everything for the kids. I do part time work and he is full time. We've had a hard time connecting lately due to a few different things but he told me he doesn't feel supported. My problem is that I'm burnt out, I already do 95% of the load. How can I support him more? I know I can be abrasive and unaffectionate but that's because by the time he finally gets home I'm at my overload point with 3 young kids and the chaos that comes with it. I get sensory overload. I also can't tell him how I'm feeling because I'm worried that'll be the last straw for his mental health and he won't cope. He also said that me working is hard on his mental health because I'm not here. Am I not meant to have a life? I don't go out socially and work is my only mental reprieve.. we do not have any other family for support. I also have an autoimmune disease which is worse when stressed. This stuff is hard. I never realized how hard having a partner with mental illness could be. I have 0 support for myself.. I feel selfish for needing support because I know he isn't capable of giving it. We are in the process of getting him help but these things always take time. Dosage adjustments etc. he's never happy, yet he has so much to be grateful for. That's a hard pill to swallow. I want to be more supportive, how can I achieve this? What can I do that I'm not already doing?

MumOfYoungAdult How do I help my young adult son?
  • replies: 6

Thank you for listening. I’m the mother of a yound adult son who is ‘stuck in a rut’. This process started back in lockdown (2-3 years ago) . He has since cut himself off from friends (except for 2 that keep persisting with him), stays up very late b... View more

Thank you for listening. I’m the mother of a yound adult son who is ‘stuck in a rut’. This process started back in lockdown (2-3 years ago) . He has since cut himself off from friends (except for 2 that keep persisting with him), stays up very late because has trouble falling asleep, wakes up in the afternoon, stays in his room most of the day, is irritable and defensive, and in his own words ‘has no joy in his life’. He is surrounded by supportive family and extended family members who love him unconditionally. Unfortunately, he refuses to seek professional help or see a GP. He’s a very intelligent person with so much potential, and is a thoughtful empathetic person who has lost the belief in himself and seems overwhelmed with fear (?) and hopelessness. It breaks my heart to see him like this. How can we help our beautiful son to move forward? Every conversation we have with him is futile…

Antonio Vouchers
  • replies: 1

MiMy so n wants 2 live with me his 15 next month I'm unemployed u can I get food vouchers or support 4 me and my son 4 now

MiMy so n wants 2 live with me his 15 next month I'm unemployed u can I get food vouchers or support 4 me and my son 4 now

Guest_11525639 Long distance partner pushing me away
  • replies: 1

Hello,I've been in a relationship with a woman living interstate for several years. We broke up pre-Covid and got back together post- Covid. I love her very much. Her teen daughter is currently hospitalised for mental health reasons. I want to suppor... View more

Hello,I've been in a relationship with a woman living interstate for several years. We broke up pre-Covid and got back together post- Covid. I love her very much. Her teen daughter is currently hospitalised for mental health reasons. I want to support the interstate partner but she pushes me away. I want to visit her to check in on her, as her own mental health isn't great. She says she thinks about 'giving up on life'. I was so worried about her- eventually she confirmed that doesn't mean the same as ending her life. She won't agree to me visiting her, yet I long to give her a hug and make sure she is ok. She says it's not personal but she still has time for 2 other friends, one of whom she had an affair with in the last 6 mths. I thought we dealt with that and got past it. I understand she is going through a lot and she doesn't know what the future holds for her daughter.I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried to be supportive on her terms but it hurts she wouldn't allow me to go visit this w/e yet despite saying it isn't personal and she has pushed everyone away, yet she is still seeing a couple of her friends regularly and attending a party this w/e.

QldMum Need Support from my Husband
  • replies: 3

Hi, this is my first post. I'd like to know how others deal with their emotional problems without the support of their partner. I know partners must get tired of their partner's problems but mostly I would just like a hug and a bit of love if I have ... View more

Hi, this is my first post. I'd like to know how others deal with their emotional problems without the support of their partner. I know partners must get tired of their partner's problems but mostly I would just like a hug and a bit of love if I have a bad experience. I don't have close friends or other family who can do this either.