Husband with depression

[Marg]

My husband is suffering from depression. He has always been quite set in his routines. After diagnosis and surgery for prostate cancer he has been left with some health issues. 
The anniversary of his surgery has brought on anxiety and depression. He is open with his feelings but very resistant to treatment. It’s a continual cycle of anger and then depression. I’m not sure how to handle this. Our children are young adults. Do I tell them he says he wants to go to sleep and not wake. Or do I keep it to myself? He is seeing doctors but seems to be going nowhere. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Its good he attends his GP but did you know he can get up to 10 free visits to a psychologist? So ask for that.

Yes, tell your kids, they are adults, its all part of learning and they are old enough. This is an opportunity to explain to them his intolerance, moods, sleeping and lack of motivation. Explain to them there is little they can do to help him but an offer to their dad to accompany them to the footy or activity might be a productive one.

Explain to your husband that anniversaries are merely man made dates that correspond to the location of Earth in its orbit. Try to minimalise the significance. Also you can inject some positivity like "well its great you are ok and I'm grateful I still have you because you are a good husband and father". Sounds corny- it works on us guys.

When a patient is in denial for mental health we often remind their carer that they are adults and there is not much you can do. In this case whereby he is resistant to treatment its a tough one but subtle hints that he's valued by all the family members and this is to secure his health for their well being, "do it for them"...

Anxiety is a serious illness as well and it takes many years of relaxation and life changes to rid himself of it. Here is a thread on that topic that might help.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

Ageing (or any deviation from life choices) often involves change - sadly some decline in activities is inevitable and an increase in tending to the needs of new (and unwanted) obligations fills the void.
So a rethink of 'set routines' should lead to some acceptance of this new normal - a willingness to try other activities commensurate with capacity can bring novelty and enjoyment to hopefully negate unduly dwelling on the past.

As to treatment, this is a very personal decision made at your husband's discretion - as is telling the family, if he so chooses, or the question is raised by them should any deleterious changes in behaviour be detected.

While first thoughts might lean toward 'fight at all costs', one must be mindful of quality of life over mere longevity since prostate cancer is one of the slowest progressing cancers, in addition to the preventative measures taken already (reduction or complete removal).

Many good years can be consumed by invasive procedures/therapies which only make life unpleasant, whereas managing the symptoms can be a suitable compromise for those 'resistant' to (or reticent about) treatment.

Side effects (usually incontinence) can be managed with medications, continence underwear, and more permanent (and limiting) alternatives as required; but recognising this is an adjustment, not an ending, gives cause to be more positive within the scope of the condition in coming to an understanding of the reality.

I wonder if one of his doctors is (or should be) an oncologist during this difficult time to help navigate a pathway for you both as there will be many emotions to contend with.

[therising]

Hi Marg

Your husband is truly blessed to have you as a guide in his life. With you coming here to find the best way forward, you're not just a guide but also an open minded researcher. He's doubly blessed.

Not sure if it would help to know, but after decades of questioning why I cycle through periods of depression, I finally hit on a revelation that changed the way I perceive depression. I'm a gal who sees it as being a natural part of personal evolution in some cases. Not a pleasant part but a part nonetheless. The cycle goes something along the lines of

1. Everything can be fine or going smoothly or life can even be joyful in some ways then
2. I can feel myself starting to enter into the next part of the cycle. This part can involve me experiencing a potentially depressing challenge in life. At this stage, I'm not fully conscious of the challenge (all the parts to it). Then
3. As I start to wake up to certain aspects of the challenge and some of the emotions that can come with them, I can begin to deeply feel or sense them and become quite depressed, then
4. I begin to wake up to some of the angering elements of the challenge/s I face. So, technically, I'm becoming even more conscious. Then
5. I hit on a major mind altering potentially life changing revelation that helps me make sense of what the depressing challenge is really about and then
6. I'm back to the beginning

and 'round and 'round it goes, based on the fact that I'm always going to be challenged to evolve to higher and higher levels of consciousness and self awareness. It's a life long natural process.

What I wake up to can involve psychological elements (issues with belief systems, inner dialogue etc), physical elements (biology, chemistry and all the ways in which I physically tick) and soulful elements (which can include what can feel soul destroying in some ways). Then there's the torturous combo of all 3 combined. I have become a major researcher over the years. The question 'What do I not know that I need to know?' or 'What do I need to become more conscious of?' can trigger a sense of wonder that can override a sense of hopelessness. I wonder whether your husband has been led to wonder about 'Kegal exercises after prostate cancer or surgery'. So, how to work on reforming the physical aspect of self. I know he's facing far more than physical challenges but it's a start. The ability to reform our own body can create a sense of ability.

While raising a couple of young adults myself (19yo son and 21yo daughter), I've found kids these days can be highly intuitive. So it's not necessarily just about filling them in on the challenges a parent faces, it can also be about tapping into a really good resource when it comes to people who may be able to get a sense of the best way forward. Surprisingly, they can be packed with wisdom.