Carer of partner with anxiety and depression

[Guest_01195571]

Hi, my wife suffered anxiety and depression and is caught up in a sense of hopelessness. I use reassurance and positive reinforcement constantly. We have tried discussing a plan of care and action, however she won’t act on it. She is struggling with work ( not because it’s a bad environment) because her self esteem is through the floor. Unfortunately to pay rent, bills and eat, we need both our incomes. Suggestions for her to reduce hours, use long service leave have been discussed. I’m trying to positively persuade her to act on this to no avail. Her response is often that she’s not happy anywhere , not just work and how will sitting at home doing nothing help. It’s been like this for years on and off and months this time. I’ve reminded her that things do get better and she does improve. However, the sense of hopelessness this time feels entrenched. 
Looking for ideas of what to do? I’m using positive reinforcement , reassurance and all the textbook practices.

If My wife was to use her long service leave, any suggestions of what she could do to help during this time out? Activities, therapies, retreats etc. Does anyone have any suggestions or recommendations? 
Thank you 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's a hard road, so have you thought of trying a few other things other than your very good positive affirmations? eg

• A week or so in another environment like the country, regional area? Such a change could tie in with less household debt which would be another positive effect.
• Has she had any hobbies in the past that you could reintroduce?
• Does she like caravanning? Renting a camper trailer could be considered. Even a two man tent, blow up mattresses and a portable cooker for 2 night could see a change.

I've got a couple of threads that might help, just need to read the first post of each-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/td-p/274532

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/confidence-how-do-you-get-it/td-p/46358

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/are-you-good-enough-low-self-esteem/td-p/560372

Reply anytime I hope they help

TonyWK

[therising]

Your wife is so blessed to have you in her life, actively trying to raise her to new ways of thinking and doing things. There are plenty of partners out there who choose to simply hope and wait for their partner to change. If love is found in evolution, actively loving someone (leading them to evolve in positive ways) can be challenging in so many ways.

I can't help but wonder whether your wife struggles intensely with inner dialogue. If she does, you could be really up against it. For example, managing another person's inner critic, inner pessimist, inner saboteur, inner stresser etc can come with many challenges. If her inner stresser or inner pessimist are facets of her that she often channels and they're so well exercised that they'd resemble some seriously buff regular gym goer, they're going to be much stronger than you (anything you have to say). With inner dialogue, I've found it can be about battle strategies. Just to name a couple

• Under what circumstances can my inner critic not thrive or get the better of me? So, it can be a matter of considering a variety of different circumstances. Sitting around with plenty of time to think is definitely not good
• Under what circumstances can a new facet of myself be developed? With Tony mentioning camping or maybe even a bit of 'glamping' (glamorous camping), could this help develop the nature goer in her? If she has a camera, could it develop not just the nature goer but also the photographer in her? Bringing a new facet to life or resurrecting and old much loved facet and learning to exercise these can eventually make them much stronger than the inner critic. Of course, the inner critic will still come to life at times (that's it's nature) but it won't be given the time to come to life constantly. In other words, there are periods of relief. Hope that makes sense