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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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eddie_e I see no alternative but to leave alcoholic wife
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, first post, and am at my wits end. * Married for almost 18 years* Wife has been drinking constantly for the last 5-6 years* Lost long term government-based job/career due to drinking on the job* Lost several more jobs due to drinking whi... View more

Hi everyone, first post, and am at my wits end. * Married for almost 18 years* Wife has been drinking constantly for the last 5-6 years* Lost long term government-based job/career due to drinking on the job* Lost several more jobs due to drinking while at work* Has previously hocked/pawned wedding & engagement rings to get a drink* Has been in numerous car accidents with our 12 year old daughter in the car, thankfully nothing serious, but still frightening (especially to a child)* Several DUI's including licence suspension(s)* So much more that I'm either forgetting right now or just don't have time to type I acknowledge I am/have been an enabler, I think it's time to stop. My work has been ok with the time I have sometimes had to take off due to caring for my daughter etc. but in order to pay bills I need to work, simple as that, but other than my fortnightly wage there is no other source of income that would allow me to simply pack a bag, have my daughter do the same, and just leave. Where would we go? My daughter has school, and likes it, likes going there, she has established friendships/relationships that may not be able to continue should we have to leave. Weekend sport that she has signed up for but may not be able to continue. It would be a devastating change of life for her (and obviously not in a good way), it breaks my heart. Everytime I speak to my wife about the drinking, I get at least one of the 3 standard responses: I KNOW I'M SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I have always said that the worst word in the world (in my opinion) is HATE. It just doesn't sound like a nice word, no matter how you put it or say it. So my belief has slways been that I really don't hate anyone or anything. Except alcohol. Seeing what it is doing to my wife, and what it is doing to our family, I truly hate it. Hate hearing ads on the radio about it, hate seeing ads for it on TV, hate anyone at work talking about it, just hate hate hate it. With a passion. Anyway, that turned into a rambling rant. Happy for anyone to offer advice, ask questions. Like I said I am at a crossroads not really knowing how to proceed, any assistance or support would definitely be appreciated. Thanks.

Dosa Dealing with wife and daughter
  • replies: 1

I’m currently dealing with potential mental health issues with both my wife and daughter. My daughter (8) has had a major change in her behaviour since late last year which has included mood changes, crying uncontrollably for hours, not wanting to sl... View more

I’m currently dealing with potential mental health issues with both my wife and daughter. My daughter (8) has had a major change in her behaviour since late last year which has included mood changes, crying uncontrollably for hours, not wanting to sleep, not wanting to go to school or any extra curricular activities. She has gotten so bad now that she has not been to school this week and completely changes her mood every time we mention it. We have been trying to coax some answers from her as to why she doesn’t want to go to school and on Monday my wife had what we thought was a breakthrough in that my daughter told her that one of the reasons why she was sad/angry was due to being forced to do a dance class and concert when she really didn’t want to because she was scared and was being told off by the instructor. Also believe the other kids may have been teasing her as well. My wife called me at work on Monday morning to tell me me what she had said and was absolutely beside herself, struggling to breathe and just really upset. I came straight home and we just sat with our daughter who was fine again and very happy to sit with mum. My wife spent most of the day crying and said that this had triggered her in relation to her childhood but didn’t elaborate. (She has previously told me there was some sexual abuse when she was younger). Everything calmed down over the day and I offered to stay home the next day but my wife thought it would be ok and suggested that I go back to work on Tuesday. On Tuesday morning I got a very similar phone call from my wife saying that my daughter was saying some terrible things to her and she was struggling to handle it. I returned home straight away and found my daughter in a normal happy mood and my wife absolutely beside herself again. I have since been able to work from home, which I think is the right thing to do for both my wife and daughter but now I’m not sure I can work with our situation as it is. We have got my daughter in to see a psychologist and she has had one session and isn’t booked in again for another two weeks. She seems to have escalated and now refuses to go to school and I don’t know how to deal with that. My wife has also seemed to get worse and is showing signs of depression or something like that and I am struggling to deal with that as well. To be honest I don’t know where to start

teamwork Help with Communicating with my husband
  • replies: 4

Hi all,my husband left home a year ago saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. Long story short, he has had all the signs of burn out and depression for a long time but, insists there’s nothing wrong with him. He does not want to get help or ... View more

Hi all,my husband left home a year ago saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. Long story short, he has had all the signs of burn out and depression for a long time but, insists there’s nothing wrong with him. He does not want to get help or talk to anybody about his anger outbursts. He’s taken to alcohol as well, he was an occasional beer drinker. It’s been a really tough year for me. Trying to move forward managing my emotions and also supporting our 3 young children while working full time. My husband and I see each other quite often, when he visits and spends time the kids. lately I have noticed when I talk to him in general about his well-being, work etc - his responses are negative. It’s like he only thinks about things negatively rather than looking at things from another perspective. I sense he has issues with trust as well like he trusts nobody. He often says people don’t really care about you, they only reach out to tick a box of their list because they think they care but really don’t. His communication is very hot and cold. Some days he will text or call but, other days when I text him - I don’t hear from him all day. It does worry me sometimes because I keep thinking the worst. He is the most caring person and some days I can see how much he cares about me in his actions. He’s isolated himself from friends and family. He buries himself in work a lot! I guess I just want to know how best to support him on his hard days especially since he visits home 3-4 times a week and spends time here with our children. For a long time I have suspected he has depression and I want to be there for him and don’t want him to think I have given up on him even though I have chosen move forward with my life with our children after he decided to leave home. any advice is appreciated.

MissG999 Frustrated and here to vent a bit
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm back after a long whileMy partner and I have been together for over 10 years. He has long-term depression and anxiety, needs to be coaxed into even minimal treatment and is in one of his worse phases at the moment.I haven't gotten a full nigh... View more

Hi, I'm back after a long whileMy partner and I have been together for over 10 years. He has long-term depression and anxiety, needs to be coaxed into even minimal treatment and is in one of his worse phases at the moment.I haven't gotten a full nights rest the last 2 days because he can't sleep and keeps waking me up, so I'm feeling crabby and wanted to make a post so I can be less emotional with him today. He always gets less considerate toward me and also more resistant to treatment or general healthy lifestyle practises when his condition is poor. I have a pretty major chronic illness that needs a lot of management myself, so I understand that being unwell can drain you of the energy needed to care for yourself. Despite that, it's so hard, sad and frustrating to see him do little or nothing when there's so much he could do to make things easier on both of us.The only treatment he's on at the moment is melatonin for sleep and a psychiatrist appointment once every 2-3 months. I should be glad he's at least doing that at least, but I suspect he hasn't/isn't telling his doctor about these down periods and how much they affect him. I don't want him to see months of much lower mood and level of functioning as his normal.Sorry for the wordinessIt's a big help knowing this forum is always here and I'm not aloneGM

QldMum Need Support from my Husband
  • replies: 2

Hi, this is my first post. I'd like to know how others deal with their emotional problems without the support of their partner. I know partners must get tired of their partner's problems but mostly I would just like a hug and a bit of love if I have ... View more

Hi, this is my first post. I'd like to know how others deal with their emotional problems without the support of their partner. I know partners must get tired of their partner's problems but mostly I would just like a hug and a bit of love if I have a bad experience. I don't have close friends or other family who can do this either.

Ashii Sibling starts to spiral whenever I spend time with them
  • replies: 1

My sibling is diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety and depression. It’s been an ongoing situation where they spiral into the same really traumatic and negative topics that usually result in talking about ending their life.This can go on for hours and they g... View more

My sibling is diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety and depression. It’s been an ongoing situation where they spiral into the same really traumatic and negative topics that usually result in talking about ending their life.This can go on for hours and they get very aggressive when I don’t engage (or engage the way they want me to) or when I try and move away from the conversation to stop the spiral. Unfortunately, yelling is a major trigger for my own traumatic reactions and yelling is a theme of these conversations. I have tried everything I can, but the conversation usually ends up in my sibling being super defensive and even more aggressive. Is there any advice from people who have been in similar situations?

KaBluey My wife is slowly dying
  • replies: 1

My wife of 30+ years is a long-term transplant recipient, even though the transplant has been a success and has given her many extra years of life there have been many steps down in her health every couple of years, now in her 50's the antirejection ... View more

My wife of 30+ years is a long-term transplant recipient, even though the transplant has been a success and has given her many extra years of life there have been many steps down in her health every couple of years, now in her 50's the antirejection meds have taken their toll and she now struggles to stay awake for a full day or stay asleep for a full night and has no energy to do much at all, the steroids she's on are making her skin so thin it breaks with minor bumps, she has almost died twice in the last couple years due to some health complications so after the family has dealt with this they now tend to stay away which of course adds to her depression and my stress.At the moment not sure what I'm asking here but maybe there's some good advice out there.

discordant_eris Friend with suicidal ideation does not want support
  • replies: 2

Last year, in April, a dear friend of mine (I will call them X) suddenly stopped talking to me and started ignoring everyone. After I sent increasingly worried messages, X assured me they were fine and I had done nothing wrong, but then made little c... View more

Last year, in April, a dear friend of mine (I will call them X) suddenly stopped talking to me and started ignoring everyone. After I sent increasingly worried messages, X assured me they were fine and I had done nothing wrong, but then made little contact with myself or any other mutual friends we have (X is a high school friend of mine - I did not see them often in person any more due to university). I did my best to check in with X periodically, but rarely received responses. Fast forward to January of this year, another friend of mine (I will call them Y) and myself received a message from X revealing that the reason they went silent was because they had been having suicidal thoughts. X then proceeded to demand that we do not tell anyone under any circumstances, or it would push them somewhere darker. One of the first things online suicide prevention websites say to do is directly ask if the person is suicidal, so I did: X said yes. X also said they had no plan yet, but their mind was defaulting more and more to the thought of it. X also told me their parents do not know, and they do not plan on seeking any support from parents, other family, friends or mental health professionals. X also refuses to see, call, or message myself or Y - apparently we are the only 2 people X has told, which terrifies me. Since then, I have been at a loss over what to do. I have talked to my psychologist and Lifeline, read multiple suicide prevention blogs, and reached out to friends and family for advice. I don't know if I should tell X's parents, or breach the boundary they clearly set when they said they did not want to talk or meet - I know that, if I do, it will likely shut down whatever hope of communication Y and I have with X since they may see it as betrayal. I don't know what risk factors are behind X's suicidal thoughts, or how long X has had to bear this burden. X also quickly shut me down when I tried to ask further questions. I have been sending messages to check in, but I have received no responses beyond X messaging me 'thanks' after I sent them a list of hotlines and resources I received from a Lifeline counsellor in January. I truly don't know what to do. I have no way of knowing if X is okay. I just want to support my friend. Does anyone have any advice about what I should do, or any personal insight?

white knight REDUCED MENTAL CAPACITY- your tips
  • replies: 2

Those that have had long term treatment in the form of medication from illnesses like depression, anxiety, stress, PTSD and many others, could experience less capacity to process their thinking. I’m now 67yo and due to mania, anxiety, bipolar and oth... View more

Those that have had long term treatment in the form of medication from illnesses like depression, anxiety, stress, PTSD and many others, could experience less capacity to process their thinking. I’m now 67yo and due to mania, anxiety, bipolar and other issues, basically lived 3 lifetimes in one, it was packed with activity only a person with mania would cover. My early life had stress from family issues, financial stress, relationship problems and poor choices of employment like prison warder and crowd control. I commenced medication at 53yo. Although I’m positive I know my memory and thinking ability has declined. For me there is no better example of this than trying to remember which bank account to withdraw money from or explaining to someone from the bank or Centrelink, the issue I have. For these reasons my wife, my carer, is magnificent. However, what if I was alone? How many of you suffer alone with these issues daily? I have made some changes to help myself. Eg hang up and ring these people at 8:29am or just before they open. Write on my ATM card which account to access. Keep a notebook with me (but I’m likely to forget the biro!.) So what tips do you have to assist me and the members that will help us with life’s daily living?TonyWK

Violet12 Struggling with anxiety that comes with signs of another spiral (husband's depression)
  • replies: 1

He's gone to bed and it's midday. After giving only mumbled replies to me this morning. I know he's feeling low. He's been feeling low for a while, having had depression for over a year, but he hasn't seemed to be in a full episode for months. Yester... View more

He's gone to bed and it's midday. After giving only mumbled replies to me this morning. I know he's feeling low. He's been feeling low for a while, having had depression for over a year, but he hasn't seemed to be in a full episode for months. Yesterday he was dancing, singing, playing music, being goofy. For the past few weeks he's been generally productive and positive. I know he has self esteem issues, I know he is frustrated by how he's limited and I know he wishes he was different in a lot of ways. I know that all weighs on him. But he's been seeming like he's doing well recently. Then suddenly there's a day like today, and it sends my body into a tense, sore, sick, near panic that lasts hours. The signs - no eye contact, devastated slack expression, mumbled rare speaking, bed in the day time - freak me out so viscerally. Because there's no way of knowing if this is a bad day and he'll feel better tomorrow, or if it's going to linger for weeks or months again. I just don't want to go through that again right now. Sure it is selfish to say that. To say any of this. But its true, it's how I feel. I was so burned out last time, I could hardly work or study, my sleep was awful, I felt teary, and i felt terrified all the time that he'd give up permanently. He's on meds. There's no therapy we can afford that's available, not for at least another month. Trust me when I say I've tried everything. Suggesting things just makes him irritated and he says is invalidating and isolating. Not saying anything seems to be the best option, and just holding him or his hand while he stares into the abyss. This wreaks havoc on my nervous system, as does hearing him vent about how worthless he is and how he'll never feel better. But I can't challenge him on that, it just makes him angry and back away further. Feels like a rock and hard place, and I feel a bit like the walls are closing in and that's where I'm headed. I pray I'm wrong, and it's just a bad day.