Husband Depression, affair and left .. how to get help
My husband of 25years recently left me. We have 4 children 22yrs -15yrs.
He is a functioning alcoholic which I believe stems from childhood trauma he refuses to recognise.
His Pop who raised him recently passed away and since then he was pushing us away and drinking down beach longer.
We had been talking less as I was not home much due to work and then his drinking in the afternoons. So communication was via text .. it was mostly me saying I love him and he needed to prioritise us and our marriage.
A month before he told children (to my surprise) that we where separating we had been on two family trips to the snow and me and kids in reflection thought it was happy and fun and loving.
We have since found out he has had an affair (still seeing this person) which happened within the month after we went on family trip (from what it seems she may have take advantage of his depressive state and said things to make him feel happy but it wasn’t based on truth.. the messages and discussion I had with her she seemed like this was a competition between me and her and I have no idea who she is).
He has since told kids he had left the marriage before he physically left and hence no affair .. and he was unhappy for a long time, and this has nothing to do with them it is between him and me.
Kids and I don’t believe it as our marriage was very sexual, he is a non communicator and doesn’t express his emotions … until he started talking to this other women down the beach..
He told me he started using words he never used before and me and kids felt like he is a different person ..
kids are not talking to him (their decision)
I think since his Pop passed his depression has spiraled and he is now living in a detached reality.
he certainly is not any happier and isn’t taking on any parenting roles for the younger kids only to ask if they want hang out and surf (like a friend not a dad)
I love him and want him back with his family were I know was happy loved and cared for ..
how do we help him ?
When ever I hear the phrase "you're a marrige wrecker" pointed at a person outside the marriage, I often think that it is the married person that had the obligation not to stray in the first place. eg the responsibility was in your husband not the other woman. But that is my view.
I read that your husband wants to "hang out and surf" with the kids like a mate not a dad. I prefer to think that is what dads do if they can surf or at least spend time with the kids. They are old enough to make their own decision and him asking them to join up is all he can do.
I'm not supporting him having any affair etc but alcoholism complicates these situations greatly and as I have one in my family it is extremely difficult on other members like yourself which really means there is a limit in what you can do.
I understand you want to save your marriage. I then suggest couples counselling and if he wont attend then go along yourself, it can help you personally.
I hope I've helped but being in a difficult situation please dont feel bad, that you have done wrong. You seem to me to be a proud and caring lady and good mum