Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Milly75 Alcoholism
  • replies: 2

I have been living with an alcoholic for 15 years. I work fulltime & pay all expenses for the household. My partner does not work & sells anything of worth to pay for alcohol. He has no access to my money or credit cards, nor do I enable him. He cons... View more

I have been living with an alcoholic for 15 years. I work fulltime & pay all expenses for the household. My partner does not work & sells anything of worth to pay for alcohol. He has no access to my money or credit cards, nor do I enable him. He constantly reaches out to his mum for $ and she gives in every time. I have spoken with her, pleading for her to stop giving him money as he is an alcoholic, yet it falls on deaf ears. He will take her last $20 without hesitation. I have overcome many challenges in my life, from sexual abuse as a young child, drug dependency as an adult and several suicide attempts. I have been clean 17 years now from both amphetamines and alcohol. I am in a job that I love, have a fantastic relationship with my son ( which took many years to rebuild) and adore my 3 grandchildren who's lives I am apart of. My partner does not come to family get togethers nor spend any time with my son, grandchildren or parents, choosing to stay home and drink. In the past 7 years we have become 2 people who share a house and separate beds. I cannot understand what is stopping me from leaving him, after overcoming such huge obstacles in my life, why am I finding this so hard.

Coastie7395 Partner of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
  • replies: 1

My partner was recently diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have read a lot of information on the internet and am trying to be supportive in the best ways I can. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationsh... View more

My partner was recently diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have read a lot of information on the internet and am trying to be supportive in the best ways I can. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship, that I didn't understand him and that I continued to make things worse. He has been off his anxiety/depression meds for a few days and I'm sure this is contributing to his downturn in mood. I don't want to abandon him, I do love him, but I have got to the point where I'm not sure I can keep fighting for our relationship when he seems intent on finding everything wrong with us and blowing any tiny thing into an issue of epic proportions. When he's having his bad days I am constantly questioning my self worth. I've been trying to learn how to effectively communicate with someone with his condition but most of the time he is closed off to conversation and expects me to be able to read his mind to know what he wants. He often will use the silent treatment and today has even blocked me so we can't communicate until he's ready. I'm happy to give him space if he could communicate that to me but either he can't or I don't understand the cues for when he wants space. Any advice on the best way for us to move forward would be greatly appreciated.

worriedparent2023 Supporting my son through a rough time
  • replies: 2

Hi All,I guess I am just posting here to get some advise, find people that are in the same boat, and see what has worked for others as I am struggling. My son recently split with his girlfriend of 8 months, initially he was ok but now not so much. He... View more

Hi All,I guess I am just posting here to get some advise, find people that are in the same boat, and see what has worked for others as I am struggling. My son recently split with his girlfriend of 8 months, initially he was ok but now not so much. He lives alone and this bothers me endlessly. However, he assures me he is good there and enjoys it. He is down and he is miserable, he feels very lonely as he does not have a friendship group. He feels like his whole world has fallen apart and it is breaking me. I hug him, I tell him I love him and I support him in everyway I can but I am not sure I am helping him. Last week I was receiving messages from him telling me he is done, he cannot do it anymore and he is sorry. His sister also received a message that said 'look after mum and dad for me' this had all of us leaving work and driving everywhere looking for him. He was working and he was ok, upset but ok. Its like he says these things but never actually means it, it is just a cry for help. I know that this will pass as it is the same thing he did when he broke up with his last girlfriend, but it is wearing thin and taking its toll on all of us. I am exhausted and constantly worried. I get to a point that I put my phone on silent, just so i can clear my own head, and function in some capacity.How do I make him see that his world is not over, he has a lot to be thankful for and that he will be ok? Thank you in advance

JE111 Being a bad mum and being judged
  • replies: 5

My son has crippling anxiety. He is 18 in two weeks and doesn't leave the house. He is on medicinal cannabis prescribed by a doctor and on a disability support pension. He also uses tobacco in a bong with the camnabis. I'm reducing his tobacco so he ... View more

My son has crippling anxiety. He is 18 in two weeks and doesn't leave the house. He is on medicinal cannabis prescribed by a doctor and on a disability support pension. He also uses tobacco in a bong with the camnabis. I'm reducing his tobacco so he can reduce the addition to the cannabis. He sees a psychologist who tells me he needs to get off the cannabis as it's causing anxiety. He on is some THC and some cannabinoid cannabis. I'm working with the psychologist to encourage my son to go out. So far that's involved a bike ride and a visit to the shops. I feel like an utter failure. I try to encourage him to go out and he always says he has stomach ache and can't go. I've been to the GP and naturpaths to try and fix his gut issues. Nothing works. I feel like I'm on a very bad merry go round that simply never gets better. I woke up in the night having panic attacks about him never having a girlfriend. His has been going on for 4yrs now. The couple of psychologists I've seen judge me. They tell me I must stop this or that and don't seem to understand what it's like to live this life. My son has made 4 previous suicide attempts and is in a better place at the moment but always says he wants to kill himself when things are not going completely his way. How far do I push things? What are the answers I give when he repeatedly says he feels unwell and can't leave the house? Which psychologist can I go to who won't judge me and make me feel like the worst mum on the planet?

Kamryn_83 How to Intervene or Seek Help for Family Member?
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here, but I think now is the opportune time. My husband (separated under one roof - long story)'s mental health is getting worse and worse. I've been convinced for a long time now that he is beyond a psychol... View more

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here, but I think now is the opportune time. My husband (separated under one roof - long story)'s mental health is getting worse and worse. I've been convinced for a long time now that he is beyond a psychologists assistance and really needs a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Something just isn't right. He is paranoid, delusional, makes weird connections between issues with no basis, quick to anger, no sense of self reflection, struggles to maintain friendships. I have a current DVO against him and his relationship with his daughter is pretty terrible. She doesn't want to be around him, and he tries his best not to involve himself with her either. I could speak about this forever. He can't speak 2 words to me without abusing me. He can't be around our daughter without him constantly telling you that she will understand when she's older how evil and nasty I am and what a bad person I am. At the core, I think he's jealous that we are as close as we are but he does nothing to really form a good relationship with her. Sometimes it feels like i have 2 kids in the house and he's the big brother. He will call when he is on the rare occasion out with her to 'dob' on her for things she does and blames me for the things she does. And what I mean is asking him to buy her something at the shop. Thats it. She's not a bad or naughty child at all.A few months ago I started to feel as though he might be neurodivergent which could explain a lot of his issues, but he's now slipping further and further into delusion. It started with intense focus on 60's American politics, then JFK, now it's Robert F Kennedy Jnr and anti vaxx propoganda. I was asking him to take check of his obsessions (started with every single book, podcast, TV show, movie about JFK and now it's anti vaxx propoganda). Now he's moved into the anti vaxx world I have taken more of a stand to question why he's doing this and whether he's getting a balanced perspective, asking where he's getting his sources. I'm really alarmed with his psychological state and think he needs help. What can I do? Previously I have called Beyond Blue and theyve said you can only call an ambulance in a 'crisis'. Other than leaving him AGAIN (were separated for 2 years) how can I seek help for him? Or is this an impossible situation and I have to live with a paranoid, delusional man forever?

Isaac220486 Father and husband
  • replies: 2

I'm a husband and a father of a 6 month old. Ever since he was born I've struggled to be able to connect with him or my wife. I don't know how to entertain him for a whole day. But prior to getting married and becoming a father I struggled with depre... View more

I'm a husband and a father of a 6 month old. Ever since he was born I've struggled to be able to connect with him or my wife. I don't know how to entertain him for a whole day. But prior to getting married and becoming a father I struggled with depression. I feel like it's getting worse. I cry a lot and I believe my wife is also suffering from depression. Some things have happened post marriage and it's made it difficult for me to do anything. I struggle to get out of bed. The only thing keeping me going is work. But everything else is a struggle and I don't know what to do anymore. I try and try but nothing is working and I have kind of given up in being a good husband and father. I don't know what to do anymore.Please help me because I don't want to feel like this anymore

Aleja-91 I miss my husband
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone. Just looking to vent over here and maybe find people with similar experiences for some guidance. For the last couple months I've felt completely disconnected from my husband, who used to be the most loving and caring person in the world.... View more

Hi everyone. Just looking to vent over here and maybe find people with similar experiences for some guidance. For the last couple months I've felt completely disconnected from my husband, who used to be the most loving and caring person in the world. He was having a hard time at work, ended up being burnt-out which I assumed was the reason for the disconnection. He wanted to quit which I supported fully and encouraged him to become independent as he is skilled and very talented. I thought this would be a magical fix but it seems there's more .. He told me he is not feeling well and now that I put everything together I think he has signs of either depression or adjustment disorder. I want to be there for him, I want to be understanding and helpful but the truth is, this has been really hard on me too. He has a hard time communicating what he is feeling, so there is a lot of silence.. which is unsettling to me, but I don't want to be pushy either.. so, it's difficult to find that balance. He is not as loving as he used to be, there's no quality time spent together and intimacy in all levels has been severely decreased if not lost. I miss him so much, I miss the relationship and dynamics we had just a few months ago.. there's so much love between us...I also feel insecure because he was lying to me.. For context, he stopped smoking/vaping ages ago which I've always been very proud of because I am a doctor and everyday all I see is really sick dying people, in part as a consequence of smoking. So, I naturally hate it. But a few days ago I found a hidden vape in the house and even though I realise in the grand scheme of things this could be a ''silly'' lie, I still feel so hurt by it? Just keep thinking that he has lied to me consistently for months and that's not who I thought we were. It could just be his coping mechanism for what he is feeling as well... But in the end I'm just having a hard time coping as well, with his new him, new kind of relationship and mostly not knowing what to do or not. Where is the line between being fully supportive but not drowning in your own feelings or insecurities? I feel so rejected by him He says he loves me and I believe him but then why he can't just talk to me or be with me, share with me... We're starting counselling this week and he will start individual therapy but I don't know.. I feel anxious with all the uncertainty. Maybe someone here has some thoughts? Thank you.

Exhausted_mum Supporting husband and I'm exhausted
  • replies: 3

My husband was always so motivated with everything he did. We have both been in the Air Force for 10+ years but a few years ago he got placed in a team that mistreated him and it led to him being burnt out, which then resulted in depression. He has b... View more

My husband was always so motivated with everything he did. We have both been in the Air Force for 10+ years but a few years ago he got placed in a team that mistreated him and it led to him being burnt out, which then resulted in depression. He has been unable to work for 2 years now. We have 2 young daughters, I have no support from him and I am so tired. Even when his going through this he does his best to be a good father but after years of this happening I am sooooooo exhausted and tbh resentful. He was doing really well and it seemed like it was behind us so we tried for another baby. We now have a beautiful 4mo daughter and his barely helped with either of us. It was as if, as soon as she was born he got bad again. I try to remind myself that his not himself but I feel neglected and the things he says hurt so much. He won't let our friends group know about what's going on at home and when I have mentioned it to people they never understand mental health and seem to think his choosing to be like this. I feel so alone. Is there a support group or something for partners of people with depression? I just feel so alone and exhausted. And for those of you with older children. How do you communicate depression with the kids? And how much do you expose them to it? Any advice is appreciated

Siena_Rose Cycle of abuse
  • replies: 2

Would love some advice on how to support a friend who is being abused by his wife. She constantly puts him down, is aggressive towards him and controls every aspect of his life. She throws things at him and is completely unhinged. She is a victim of ... View more

Would love some advice on how to support a friend who is being abused by his wife. She constantly puts him down, is aggressive towards him and controls every aspect of his life. She throws things at him and is completely unhinged. She is a victim of abuse from her teenage years but has now become an abuser. Her violence is known to police and there have been times where she has been removed from the family home by court order to protect the children. There doesn’t seem to be any support for my friend as the father trying to hold it all together. I am worried about his mental health. He has seen a psychologist before but can’t afford it.

Elephant86 Stories of resilance
  • replies: 1

For a long time I had to figure out strategies on how to stay well with my condition so I started reading to educate myself so I could understand what the doctors where telling so I could go on my own healing pathway. 1.The books I started reading wa... View more

For a long time I had to figure out strategies on how to stay well with my condition so I started reading to educate myself so I could understand what the doctors where telling so I could go on my own healing pathway. 1.The books I started reading was Ian gawlwers and indepth guide to meditation that is the first recommendation for books. 2 The book of joy by the dalia lama and desmound Tutu taught me that how I accept my condition but I don't let it defeat me. 3. The art of happiness by the dalia lama I have read many books that have helped me heal for me reading on buddism taught me about accepting my diability for what it was. Also forgiving myself for the destruction of the bipolar. I know at times you question and you ask why me . You should have trust that all will be oright. Even in the darkest of times there is a candle lighting and gaurdian animals like pets keeping us safe. My spirit animal is a white tiger. I beleive it serves and protects me its like harry potters patronous. Magic is real because the love and care you have for others is true magic. The true power is the love and care between human being and the wonderful community network What animals do you love and what animals bring you peace