Year 11 School Refusal & Mental Health

[Widowedmumof3]

Hi there,

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

My 16 year old daughter is struggling with school attendance.

Last term her attendance was under 50%. While she says she likes school, getting up and out the door in the morning is a real issue. She has great friends, although their attendance is not much better, and she will often not want to go as she doesn't want to be alone. I have been in contact with the school, who have been supportive, asking what she needs and what will help get her school. But thus far we have no answer.

I have tried to be supportive, encouraging,as I would do anything for her.  I drop her to school on my way to work, and my work has been really flexible in allowing me to do this. I would do anything to help her. I have suggested constantly if there is anyone she would like to speak with (other than me) a friend, family member, school, psychologist, but she has refused. I believe the period of schooling from home during Covid has not helped her in any way. Two weeks ago she came to me asking if she could go speak to a psychologist as she didn't want to feel this way anymore, and asked if she could get a mental health plan. From this the doctor suggested PTSD (her father passed away when she was 10), depression and anxiety. An appointment was made to see a psychologist for 2 weeks after (which was the earliest appointment we could get) receiving her mental health plan, but she decided the day of the appointment that she was "feeling better" and cancelled the appointment. I rang the psychologist, hoping for something I'm not sure what, but they said that as this was the first time they were seeing her they were sorry but there was nothing they could do. This occurred during school holidays, which I tried to explain to my daughter that this was why she was probably feeling better and that once school returned, there was a chance that those feelings of anxiousness would return; which has occurred previously. But she was insistent and refused, and the appointment cancelled. We are now week 1 of term 3 and she has not attended school for 3 days...her friends have not gone either - they seem to be having the same issues. I am at a loss. She asked if she could leave school, but then has stated that she knows she will regret leaving and she only has 1 year to go, so close yet it seems so far for her.

I suggested homeschooling, but she doesn't want to miss her final year with her friends, formals and finalising her schooling.

I don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see her sitting in bed, I would do/try anything to help her, but I don't know what to do.

Are there any words of wisdom out there?

[indigo22]

Hi Widowedmumof3,

I am sorry that you are all going through such a difficult time, loss can have a long lasting effect for some, while others are able to come to terms with it without the mental health suffering.

I have never had children but I once was one and would like to answer your post from that perspective.

I lost my brother, my familial soul mate, when I was 14 and went into major depression as a result of that loss. At that time mental health was not talked about, let alone recognised and went untreated. I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40s so have been dealing with it all my life (now in my 60s). I recall I was given an option to talk to someone when it first happened and I said no. I would like to share with you the reason I said no was because I was trying to be strong and grown up and not be a burden to my parents. I felt it would make me appear to be weak but I now realise that it had more to do with how I was raised than what I needed. My family was quite dysfunctional and I was the sensitive one so I tried to cope with it by myself. Since I was so young and had no knowledge of mental illness, I didn't understand the long term implications of that mind set.

I had sought counselling in my 40s due to a number of life challenges that had dragged me down to the point of suicidal ideation. I recall after many sessions, my counsellor handing me a book called 'Taming the Black Dog', I had ever heard the term and asked what it was about. When she said it was about depression, I distinctly remember driving home thinking, "why would she give me a book on depression? I'm not depressed". It was not until I opened the book and saw myself within the pages, that I understood what I had been dealing with all my life.

I think if someone had recognised the signs early and insisted I get some help from a therapist, things may have turned out differently. Your daughter is not that different in age than I was and we are not experienced enough in life to understand the long term consequences of our decisions.

As difficult as it may be, I feel you need to make her aware of those long term consequences as they will affect her future in negative ways. Perhaps you could start by asking her to read a book/books on mental illness to help her understand what is going on inside her. I can offer suggestions if you wish.

I would also like to suggest if she has a mobile phone that you put the number for Kid's Helpline into her phone so she can reach out to someone other than yourself when/if she needs to. They are available 24/7 and are for young people up to the age of 25 years - 1800 551 800

I hope this has been of some help to you and would be happy to continue the discussion if you wish.

Take care,

indigo

[Morning]

Hi widowed mum of 3,

I too have a 16 yr old that won’t go or stay at school. She is very bright and it’s not from a lack of ability, it’s definitely connected to her peers and the people she doesn’t get on with. Her friends regularly miss days too and sometimes they just leave the school without permission. The school is on my case constantly. I’m can’t imagine what they must think. There was a time when my girl was self harming and starving herself . We have been to regular counselling at headspace and that did help a lot. She self diagnoses lots of different disorders and got into a physical fight. 
She is the youngest of 6 and I thought that the last one would be the easiest. Ha.  This is such a difficult time for young people, where leadership and direction seems to have evaporated.  They have no role models or inspiring examples of how to be a good human being. They are surrounded by fake, shallow, temporary and pointless models of attitude and behaviour.

i have no answers. Not my proudest days of motherhood.

[Widowedmumof3]

I am sorry to read what you have and are going through. Please remember that it is not a reflection on you. I have to remind myself of this. We can only do so much and you should be proud. You sound like a loving caring mum who would do anything for her children. I know its hard and I do feel the same at times, but we are human too. Hopefully there is some light at the end of what at times is a long tunnel....hoping we find some answers or help soon.

[Widowedmumof3]

Thank you for responding and sharing. I am so sorry for your loss. I have tried to encourage my daughter to talk to someone, and we have discussed that it doesn't have to be me and I'm ok with that. She has 2 older siblings who have spoken each in their own times, to a psychologist, and they both encourage her and try to relieve any worry or anxiety she may have about going, but she refuses to go or when she has, she doesn't engage. I have spoken with psychologists myself and they have each told me that she will come to them when she is ready...I get it, but I don't. As her mum, as any parent, it so so hard to watch and I can only imagine what she is feeling. As I feel helpless, I'm sure she does too. I have suggested Kids Helpline but I'm not sure if its the age, but she doesn't want to "talk".  I have looked at the book above, and even though I know she won't read it, I will offer! I think I will definitely read it, maybe there is something I can "use"??

Thank you once again for your response, it is truly appreciated.

[indigo22]

Just wonder, since her older siblings have been through the process, would it be worthwhile suggesting that the 3 of them go together, at least for the first 1 or 2 sessions so she can get comfortable with the way it works? If she sees how her siblings interact with the psychologist about what you have been through as a family, it may make her more comfortable talking about her own feelings. I am not sure what else to suggest at the moment but I am willing to keep talking with you if you need some personal support. After all, you are going through this too. I am also very sorry for your loss, you sound like a very caring mum and your daughter is lucky to have you in her life.

Take care and keep in touch,

indigo

[Widowedmumof3]

Thank you Indigo, I appreciate your support.

We had, what I consider, a bit of breakthrough last night. She opened up to me how she is feeling. She said in her brain she feels like a completely different person to that of what we see. She said everyone sees her as angry and moody, but in her mind she's happy and at east. She doesn't understand why these bad things happen to her, what has she done in life to deserve this. If there is a god, why did he do this and why can't he make my life better?? She told me she envisages her life as an adult and its great, but does not see this for her life now. She said she's had to grow up so quickly and its not fair. She has stated previously that she can't wait to grow up; this just feels like she's running from her childhood...I tried to explain that becoming an adult your worries and troubles do not just suddenly go away, and she doesn't need to carry all this with her into her adult life, that we can work on the now. There were many tears, but I am glad that she was able to share with me how she has been feeling. I'm unsure of the next step and will allow her in some ways to guide me, although I will be beside her trying my best to hold her hand and support her.

After my husband passed we did try group therapy, but the kids felt it was too hard, as there were things they wanted to discuss and felt that if they spoke about each other it would make things worse. The group sessions only lasted about 4 sessions, and the older 2 and myself went individually, my youngest refused saying it was a waste of time.

I thank you for your words and I wish you a lovely day.

FYI the book Taming the Black Dog arrives today, I will encourage my daughter to read it - I know I will be reading it - thank you for the recommendation.

[indigo22]

I am really glad she made the first step in opening a line of communication, that is a very important step.

It is such a confusing time for her and she doesn't have the life experience to understand, neither did I. I felt many of the things you described - like I was thrust into being a grown up, the unfairness of it all, the questioning if it happened as punishment for something I did. My best friend could not understand what I was going through, how could she. My parents were suffering their own private hell and my older siblings were married and I rarely saw them. I really did feel like no one understood what I was going through. The final insult was at the end of the same year that he died, my English teacher gave me an F and when I went to her to ask why, after trying my best to keep up, her response was "because you have just been feeling sorry for yourself all year".

As I said, your daughter is lucky to have you in her life, I know from your words that you will do whatever it takes to help her get on top of this.

We will be here to support you anytime you feel the need. Please let me know what insights you get from the book and if you would like recommendations for further reading.

All the best to you both,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Widowedmumof3

You are such a beautiful mum, so deeply feeling and caring. You're daughter's so blessed to have a mum who is so emotionally switched on.

You mentioned in one of your posts 'the light at the end of the tunnel'. Having managed periods in depression myself over the years, I've come to see the tunnel as being vertical, as opposed to horizontal. So the light's at the top of the tunnel or depression which is like a well. As you mentioned to your daughter, there will be challenges in life, no matter our age. If some of those challenges take us to the brink of that well or lead us in, it becomes about raising our self out of there or finding all the right people to help us do that. You definitely sound like one of your daughter's key raisers/guides. Again, she's blessed to have you in her life, someone who she can open up to when it comes to what brings her down or keeps her down.

While your daughter holds a vision of the future, I'm wondering how her current vision can be developed. Wondering if you can raise her to channel the seer in her. 'I want you to go into your imagination and tell me whether you can see yourself going to uni'. If the answer is 'No' then you could ask 'Can you see yourself going unscored (not sitting exams), while simply passing SACS next year?'. If the answer is 'Yes' then you both have a vision which involves no exams. 'Can you see the kind of dress you want for formal next year? What colour is it? Can you see whose table you'll be sitting at?'. 'Can you see yourself sitting in the library at lunch time when your friends don't show up for school? What are you doing in the library? Have a closer look in your imagination. Are you reading a book that leads you to understand your self better or are you reading a text book, based on the study you may need to be doing? Maybe you're drawing. Have a look and see what you're doing'.

It's the imagination that holds and provides imagery, vision/s. Could part of the challenge be to create vision or visions? If your daughter's able to feel highs through what she sees, then she's raising herself through what she sees and the highs she feels. Being a realist and a mum, I realise there's far more to life that conjuring visions in our child's mind. With a 21yo daughter who struggles somewhat with an ADHD brain and a 19yo son who's been diagnosed as being on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum, they both naturally can't function without solid structure in place. Without solid structure, we're not building the life we want, we're simply imagining it. Without structured time that may have your daughter in the library, studying or drawing, she can't be there making it real.

[Widowedmumof3]

Thank you so much for support.

I have asked if my daughter can picture or find just 1 thing of the now that she can envisage. She tells me no - her life is horrible and she can't see anything good. I have mentioned things like her end of year formal, her year 12 jumper, getting her drivers license, a holiday that we can plan...but she shakes her head no. The structure that you mentioned - Yes! She very much likes to  know what time, where, all the details of anything that is happening. She does seem more settled with structure, but that first step of her getting up/sitting up in bed is such a challenge.

I understand your description of the vertical tunnel or vortex. I remember feeling so low when my husband first passed away that for a long time it was like I was sitting/resting on the edge just waiting to be swallowed up. Of course we are all different and feel and perceive things differently, but I don't want her to feel this way. It is hard, I know it is hard to pull yourself away from the edge - so to speak. But I will not give up on her ever, I will keep trying, keep reading, keep doing anything and everything possible. I am so grateful for the support and encouragement and words provided by those like yourself, and I thank you.