Who’s looking after me

[Skitzeejulz]

Hi I am a grandmother with full time care of 3 of my grandchildren until they all reach 18.

I also have a partner that has been diagnosed with being on the spectrum, my girls all have ptsd, 2 have adhd, 1 on the spectrum as well.  My husband is struggling with the fact he has no idea who he is now and questions everything he says and does . so I am trying hard to support him everyday. I go to his therapy sessions and try hard not to confuse him or trigger his many traits. 
my eldest has ADHD and autism it is very hard to keep her from loosing it she is up and down from one hour to the next everything reminds her of the trauma she has experienced and she blames me for everything that doesn’t go right for her or if I don’t fix it straightaway . The middle one ADHD can’t have anything change or deviate from the plan or she goes nuts she also has trauma from not being fed so she has severe eating disorders. The youngest one 6 constantly lies snd causes trouble for all of us and well actually she enjoys it.

Every week there is doctors , therapy or activities for them all.

I have not even 5 minutes to myself and no where to turn. A friend who I confided in shook me by asking me who was looking after me in which I replied no one ?? 
I am invisible 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Skitzeejulz,

Welcome to the forums.

We are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here.

It sounds like you are managing a lot right now. We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like you have little support and time to taking care of your own well-being because of the struggles your family are facing.

We do want to remind you that there is always someone to talk to, and you always deserve to feel heard, understood and supported as you process everything that is going on in your family.

We have sent you a private reply to check in with you. And our Support Service would welcome your call, any time, on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Skitzeejulz

When I read your post, besides thinking 'Oh my gosh, that's a heck of lot to be coping with on your own, I thought how right your friend is to question who's looking after you. Another way of putting that is 'Who is raising the raiser of others?'.

While I don't face the complex challenges of raising people with PTSD, there are people in my life who I work hard to raise at times. When I say 'raise', what I'm talking about is raising people's spirits, their consciousness or awareness in regard to the challenges they face, raising them through helping find solutions, by giving them time, an open mind and support. I might raise them through the opportunity to vent, whether it's about venting what's depressing or anxiety inducing etc. There can be a long list of all the ways we can work hard to raise people in our life. It can be hard work and it can be exhausting and it can become depressing when you don't have enough energy left with which to feel life running through you. As a flat battery, you start to no longer feel yourself in (a state of) charge. Also...

You can be constantly having to raise yourself. You can be raising yourself to manage the time it takes to help others (new forms of time management), raising yourself to be a student of research and education in regard to new levels of understanding in what's needed in helping others, raising yourself in meeting with higher levels of patience, compassion, endurance and more and raising yourself to develop a more open mind, as a sense of desperation demands solutions outside the square. Can become an extensive list in what it takes to raise yourself. Then there can be the kind of raising you don't want, such as constantly raised levels of cortisol that comes with ongoing stress. The 3rd stage of GAS (General Adaptation Syndrome) is a mongrel to deal with, that's for sure.

With a 21yo daughter who struggles with ADHD, a 19yo son who faces some of the challenges that come with high functioning autism, 2 aging parents (long separated) who have their own complex challenges and a husband who finds it easier to bury his head in the sand rather than face challenges, one thing I came to ask myself at some point followed the question 'Who's raising me?'. The question was 'Why am I the one doing most of the work, taking most of the responsibility and managing most of the emotions involved?'. While my 85yo mum has the most complex challenges, she is the hardest worker of all. I think it's because, as a mum, she knows the kind of work involved in raising others and doesn't want to add to anyone's load. Mums can be like that😊. Regarding the rest, I've found there is a healthy type of intolerance and an unhealthy type. A healthy type can lead us to become a constructive dictator. Doesn't win you any popularity contests. Can sound a little like 'I will not solve all your problems but I will help you solve them. Take some responsibility. I will not manage all your emotions but I will help you manage them. Take some responsibility. I will not do everything to raise you but I will help you raise yourself. Take some responsibility' etc. Without the full weight of carrying complete responsibility for everyone else, we begin to rise a little. The sandbags become a little lighter. When it comes to my daughter, she can be obsessive about things being a certain way, so as to feel a sense of control and a sense of positive emotion. As I said to her 'While it's incredibly important to have a solid sense of structure in life, one of your challenges involves developing flexibility. It's a challenge I'll help you rise to meet'. I also advised her, through my own experience (which includes mental health challenges), 'We tend to evolve the most through facing uncomfortable emotions, so be prepared to feel what's uncomfortable. I will do my best to feel them with you. We'll feel them and work through them together'.