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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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India Partner left 33 year relationship for girl half his age
  • replies: 7

My partner (who is 62) of 33 years told me in February this year that he had a crush on a 30 year old girl he worked with who felt the same way for him and in his words “I’ve got to go for it” he moved out 4 days later and has just gone straight into... View more

My partner (who is 62) of 33 years told me in February this year that he had a crush on a 30 year old girl he worked with who felt the same way for him and in his words “I’ve got to go for it” he moved out 4 days later and has just gone straight into a new life with this 30 year old and her daughter. it was completely out of the blue. All our family and friends were as shocked as I wasWe have 3 daughters the eldest who is 30 years oldI am getting better after some counselling but now just feel like who am I? I am 10 years younger than him so I was 18 when we got together and fell pregnant at 21. My youngest daughter is the only one currently living in the same state as me and her and her lovely partner have just moved in with me to the family home All 3 of my daughters have been supportive (especially the youngest one living here) We argued a lot when the girls were young as we never agreed on parenting style. I had to work the most when the girls were younger as money was also an issue. He was always worried that I would meet someone and leave him as I liked to get out the house more and socialise with friends, but I told him I couldn’t even think about doing that as I was so tied to him. I don’t know how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. I thought at first I’ll be fine if I don’t have another partner, I was always fine with my own company as well as enjoying friends company before I met him. Now whenever I’m alone my thoughts start racing back to how could he do this and going over why and the issues with our relationship. Although I know I’m better if I don’t have contact with him every 3/4 weeks I can’t help but text him asking questions about how, why he did thisNow my confidence (which was low anyway) feels so low. I’m questioning my mothering and myself. I keep going over in my head that I was 18 the last time I was on my own and he’s just thrown 33 years of our house, dogs and my family away. I feel so lost in myself. I’m so much better when I’m with other people but as soon as I’m alone my thoughts are back on what’s happened and I often end up crying. I don’t know how to love myself

Marg Husband with depression
  • replies: 3

My husband is suffering from depression. He has always been quite set in his routines. After diagnosis and surgery for prostate cancer he has been left with some health issues. The anniversary of his surgery has brought on anxiety and depression. He ... View more

My husband is suffering from depression. He has always been quite set in his routines. After diagnosis and surgery for prostate cancer he has been left with some health issues. The anniversary of his surgery has brought on anxiety and depression. He is open with his feelings but very resistant to treatment. It’s a continual cycle of anger and then depression. I’m not sure how to handle this. Our children are young adults. Do I tell them he says he wants to go to sleep and not wake. Or do I keep it to myself? He is seeing doctors but seems to be going nowhere.

Kylie18 Parent of Adolescent BPD
  • replies: 4

Hi there I may seeking to connect with other parents who are supporting their adolescent with BPD. My 17yr old daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD and to say we are all struggling is an understatement. Hoping for some tips and to gain a bet... View more

Hi there I may seeking to connect with other parents who are supporting their adolescent with BPD. My 17yr old daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD and to say we are all struggling is an understatement. Hoping for some tips and to gain a better understanding to support her as well as myself.

Guest_97193749 Single parent blues
  • replies: 1

I am a single mum, I feel so unheard.i currently live right next to my parents. I was very neglected as a child and wasn’t loved properly.i feel so stuck atm. my needs are never met. I had a panic attack yesterday when I was on my way to pick up my s... View more

I am a single mum, I feel so unheard.i currently live right next to my parents. I was very neglected as a child and wasn’t loved properly.i feel so stuck atm. my needs are never met. I had a panic attack yesterday when I was on my way to pick up my son from day care.i had to call my parents to pick my son up.i just felt as though my parents couldn’t have cared less! I have my son full time. I just feel so alone and stuck. My mother gaslights me all the time. She can tell I’m struggling but doesn’t do anything to help me. It leaves me feeling so angry!she will use my personal information and talk about it to others. She has been a physc nurse for over 50 years.my entire life she has had this secret hate for me.

Mimsa Self Harming Teen
  • replies: 3

Gosh, where do I start with this, I am distraught and need to hear form others that have been through this. I have a 13 year old teen girl who is going through some hard times. It started when she was in year 7 and was bullied by the entire school be... View more

Gosh, where do I start with this, I am distraught and need to hear form others that have been through this. I have a 13 year old teen girl who is going through some hard times. It started when she was in year 7 and was bullied by the entire school because she loved the whole furry world (where people design and create fur suits). She loves creating and designing them. Long story short she began to self harm as a way of dealing with her emotions, we worked very closely with the school and a psychologist and the bullying stopped and she got through it. Fast forward a year later and the self harming has started again, I've noticed she has befriended a 13 yr old online that has told my daughter that she identifies as a boy and is transgender. This child if from Canada, since then I've noticed that my daughter started dressing in boys clothes and wanted to cut her hair short, so I let her. The self harming also started again to the point that the police turned up at my front doorstep because she told someone online she was going to harm herself again and this child was clever enough to contact the authorities and report it. My daughter then told me that she feels like she is transgender, this was a shock to me, however I did tell her that I love her no matter what, but she is still very young to make these decisions as her mind is still developing and she might not feel this way in the future. I have her back into a counselling program and have her seeing a psychologist. I have confiscated all the sharps in the house and had to extend this to sharpeners as well, I discovered that she was removing the blades! On Friday I noticed a scrape on her arm and when I asked her what happened she told me she fell and scraped it on the concrete during sport. I accepted this, however, my mum told me this morning that she caught her scratching at the arm and that is what the scrape is. She was self harming using her nails now!! I was very upset and did not handle it the best way, I started crying and said that how am I supposed to trust her if she doesn't come and speak with me when she feels this way. I don't know what else to do! She is actively lying to me about the self harm and I don't know how else I can control my emotions, I feel she doesn't tell me because I get sad, this is something she told the counselor. Do they get better? Is there anything more I can do to handle this situation better, I feel like I myself am sliding into depths of sadness.

Noone Partners drinking himself to death
  • replies: 4

Hi. I’m new here. But how do you cope with some one that is drinking themself to an early grave.. the subject is strictly taboo with him so we don’t talk about it. I feel disconnected to him There is so much more but I don’t know how to talk about it... View more

Hi. I’m new here. But how do you cope with some one that is drinking themself to an early grave.. the subject is strictly taboo with him so we don’t talk about it. I feel disconnected to him There is so much more but I don’t know how to talk about it as I’ve not spoken to any one about it. I feel angry that he dose not care enough for us for him self to stop. Has been going on for years and years. I know I can not stop him as it is up to him . But I’m at the point that I am starting to dislike him.

Sparkling2003 Family Member who won't seek help
  • replies: 8

I have a family member who can be very irrational. We have tried talking to them but they get verbally abusive towards the rest of my family. Every time they get upset/set off they blow the situation very out of proportion and they bring up issues th... View more

I have a family member who can be very irrational. We have tried talking to them but they get verbally abusive towards the rest of my family. Every time they get upset/set off they blow the situation very out of proportion and they bring up issues that happened from years ago and even trivial disagreements like what sports team they go for gets blown out of proportion. They are under a lot of stress and we've encouraged for them to seek therapy and medication but they refuse or it then becomes a bigger argument as they claim they are fine and don't need help. The most frustrating part of it all, is that they make jokes all the time but whenever someone else does it becomes offensive to them. We have tried creating better boundaries but they go one step further by blocking us on everything. Really trying to seek some help on what we should as we are at loss with our family member. They are very emotional about everything we say or do even if it's trying to help in our eyes. Every move we make is the wrong one and we are feeling very defeated about the whole thing. It brings everyone else in our family lots of anxiety and sadness. We want to help them but they are refusing help. Does anyone have advice or guidance for going through something similar.

Mountain12 Feeling trapped and unsure of what to do
  • replies: 1

Hi, everyone, reaching out as I'm feeling anxious and depressed from my current situation. I feel that my wife has emotionally and physically abandoned me as she never wants to do anything with me (even when I suggest doing things as a family), and d... View more

Hi, everyone, reaching out as I'm feeling anxious and depressed from my current situation. I feel that my wife has emotionally and physically abandoned me as she never wants to do anything with me (even when I suggest doing things as a family), and doesn't want any intimacy of any kind (including no sex for over a year). Despite this she spends her time volunteering and doing anything and everything for people outside of our household. When I suggest we do things together (going for a walk, watching TV together, etc.) she says she is too busy. We have 3 kids and the relationship between myself and my eldest son is strained as I try to set boundaries around screen usage which my wife undermines. I'm actively involved in kids sport and the local community when I can. We had marriage counselling which worked for about a week and then things fell by the wayside. Lately when I've suggested we have a follow up session she says she doesn't want to or avoids the conversation. When I try to have a conversation to let her know how I'm feeling and what I would like either gets angry or says she doesn't have time to discuss things. I have a job that involves a heavy mental load and involves lots of travel that I find contributes to stress and fatigue. On top of this I work remotely when I'm not travelling and the only family I have are located in a different state. I feel really isolated and I'm not sure of the next steps. I love my kids dearly and I'm concerned that if I leave the marriage they will blame me and won't want anything to do with me. However my self esteem and mental health are really suffering. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Guest_17311433 Depressed husband
  • replies: 2

I am struggling with my husbands depression. We have been together for 13 years and have a 3 and 5 year old and they are very headstrong and difficult but also polite, smart amazing kids.my husbands depression started when our first child was born 5 ... View more

I am struggling with my husbands depression. We have been together for 13 years and have a 3 and 5 year old and they are very headstrong and difficult but also polite, smart amazing kids.my husbands depression started when our first child was born 5 years ago and refuses to get any help, but I feel I can't cope with the burden of it anymore. I have tried alot to help him over the years like booking him a gp appointment, couples counselling, encouraging him to go on trips with his friends, doing things he enjoys and picking up the slack with the house work, sorting bills and responsibilities for the kids. Recently he has been getting really angry at me and the kids over small things he yells and slams or throws things. I don't think he would intentionally hurt me or the kids but his anger is explosive and random so I feel I'm walking on egg shells so I don't upset him. He has no intrest in his kids or anything and blames his mood on me and the kids all the time he rarely takes responsibility for his moods or actions. I haven't told his family as iv felt it's my fault or burden to carry. I'm really resentful as I'm drowning in all the house work, kids and stress of it all. What should I do? I don't think I can give him anymore support without sacrificing my own mental health but I care for him and want him to get better for himself and our kids.

Wambianna Depressed boyfriend suddenly like a different person
  • replies: 1

My BF of 3 years, (we are in our 60s) has had several boughts of depression, lasting usually about 36 hours, since Ive known him. He sleeps and goes into no communication mode.I am on a 4 day birdwatching trip, alone, and he was quite ok with me goin... View more

My BF of 3 years, (we are in our 60s) has had several boughts of depression, lasting usually about 36 hours, since Ive known him. He sleeps and goes into no communication mode.I am on a 4 day birdwatching trip, alone, and he was quite ok with me going. But on the morning I left he said not to drop in on him as he needed to be alone. I felt sick. But took him at his word. While Ive been away he has rung twice , sounding sleepy and hardly talking, but sort happy to be in contact.But between these calls Ive had 2 texts from him accusing me of talking about his "mental health problems" to everyone and asking me very angrily to stop.He says he doesnt have the energy to discuss it. Of course, I have spoken to my sister about my worries around him but he can't know that. He has never been like this...nasty, blunt and paranoid. I don't understand him attacking me...is he finished with me? Im so confused.