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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Violet12 Struggling with anxiety that comes with signs of another spiral (husband's depression)
  • replies: 1

He's gone to bed and it's midday. After giving only mumbled replies to me this morning. I know he's feeling low. He's been feeling low for a while, having had depression for over a year, but he hasn't seemed to be in a full episode for months. Yester... View more

He's gone to bed and it's midday. After giving only mumbled replies to me this morning. I know he's feeling low. He's been feeling low for a while, having had depression for over a year, but he hasn't seemed to be in a full episode for months. Yesterday he was dancing, singing, playing music, being goofy. For the past few weeks he's been generally productive and positive. I know he has self esteem issues, I know he is frustrated by how he's limited and I know he wishes he was different in a lot of ways. I know that all weighs on him. But he's been seeming like he's doing well recently. Then suddenly there's a day like today, and it sends my body into a tense, sore, sick, near panic that lasts hours. The signs - no eye contact, devastated slack expression, mumbled rare speaking, bed in the day time - freak me out so viscerally. Because there's no way of knowing if this is a bad day and he'll feel better tomorrow, or if it's going to linger for weeks or months again. I just don't want to go through that again right now. Sure it is selfish to say that. To say any of this. But its true, it's how I feel. I was so burned out last time, I could hardly work or study, my sleep was awful, I felt teary, and i felt terrified all the time that he'd give up permanently. He's on meds. There's no therapy we can afford that's available, not for at least another month. Trust me when I say I've tried everything. Suggesting things just makes him irritated and he says is invalidating and isolating. Not saying anything seems to be the best option, and just holding him or his hand while he stares into the abyss. This wreaks havoc on my nervous system, as does hearing him vent about how worthless he is and how he'll never feel better. But I can't challenge him on that, it just makes him angry and back away further. Feels like a rock and hard place, and I feel a bit like the walls are closing in and that's where I'm headed. I pray I'm wrong, and it's just a bad day.

Dalailama anyone here have any experiences with a spouse that has ocpd or may have ocpd
  • replies: 11

Having had major issues with my wife over the last 15 years approx, been together 25 years first 10 blissful and close. until first baby arrived,. Its now near the end, for several years i have decided i have had enough. but put it off for the kids. ... View more

Having had major issues with my wife over the last 15 years approx, been together 25 years first 10 blissful and close. until first baby arrived,. Its now near the end, for several years i have decided i have had enough. but put it off for the kids. Then somehow i came across ocpd. ocpd fits like a glove on what i perceive to be the the problem with my wife. To me its crystal clear. Is there someone who has had there spouse diagnosed that can help me is some discussion. Shes a tuff one.

Lisathecat Worried mum post suicide attempt by daughter
  • replies: 1

Hi I am asking for advice as to the best way to support my daughter post suicide attempt. Do I just support her and best way to cope myself?

Hi I am asking for advice as to the best way to support my daughter post suicide attempt. Do I just support her and best way to cope myself?

Crookedhearts Scared mum of suicidal teen
  • replies: 3

My almost 17 year old son disclosed to his school teacher today that he is self harming, suicidal and has a plan. The school phoned to let me know and are referring him to their counsellor, but I'm now terrified to leave him alone. He works and plays... View more

My almost 17 year old son disclosed to his school teacher today that he is self harming, suicidal and has a plan. The school phoned to let me know and are referring him to their counsellor, but I'm now terrified to leave him alone. He works and plays sports, and unless I stop him from doing these activities I don't know how to keep him safe. It will be weeks before he can see a psychologist. I don't know where to even start in getting him support. Do I lock up all the sharps in the house, hide the medicines etc or is that overreacting? I'm at a loss and I'm terrified.

BreannaS Support someone who is closed off
  • replies: 1

My best friend has recently become completely closed off. He has told me he will not say anything to anyone, he does not need anyone, it’s better to be alone, everyone are backstabbers everyone if fake. I asked if he thought I was those things, if he... View more

My best friend has recently become completely closed off. He has told me he will not say anything to anyone, he does not need anyone, it’s better to be alone, everyone are backstabbers everyone if fake. I asked if he thought I was those things, if he trusted me, he said yes. I said I’m here you can talk to me about anything what is said between us stays between us. He refused and again said he will never tell anyone anything. Normally he would eventually open up to me after a bit of conversation about other things, but this time he was adamant on not telling anyone absolutely anything. I am extremely worried about him, I myself have experienced this and seen some other people in my life go through the same and I know it doesn’t end very well. I care about this person more than anything and it breaks my heart to hear he does not even want to tell me anything, when normal absolutely everything is on the table for discussion. He says I can deal with it myself, it’s fine, I don’t need anyone, which to me is extremely worrying words. I don’t know what to do. I do not want to push but it has never been this way before and I’m losing sleep because of my worry. I’ve let him know I’m here every day with a simple have a good day, let me know if you need anything or a funny meme, but I’m not sure what else I can do. How do I help a person that’s completely closed off, how do I show up for them and what is too much of not enough?My appreciation Thank you

eddie_e I see no alternative but to leave alcoholic wife
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, first post, and am at my wits end. * Married for almost 18 years* Wife has been drinking constantly for the last 5-6 years* Lost long term government-based job/career due to drinking on the job* Lost several more jobs due to drinking whi... View more

Hi everyone, first post, and am at my wits end. * Married for almost 18 years* Wife has been drinking constantly for the last 5-6 years* Lost long term government-based job/career due to drinking on the job* Lost several more jobs due to drinking while at work* Has previously hocked/pawned wedding & engagement rings to get a drink* Has been in numerous car accidents with our 12 year old daughter in the car, thankfully nothing serious, but still frightening (especially to a child)* Several DUI's including licence suspension(s)* So much more that I'm either forgetting right now or just don't have time to type I acknowledge I am/have been an enabler, I think it's time to stop. My work has been ok with the time I have sometimes had to take off due to caring for my daughter etc. but in order to pay bills I need to work, simple as that, but other than my fortnightly wage there is no other source of income that would allow me to simply pack a bag, have my daughter do the same, and just leave. Where would we go? My daughter has school, and likes it, likes going there, she has established friendships/relationships that may not be able to continue should we have to leave. Weekend sport that she has signed up for but may not be able to continue. It would be a devastating change of life for her (and obviously not in a good way), it breaks my heart. Everytime I speak to my wife about the drinking, I get at least one of the 3 standard responses: I KNOW I'M SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I have always said that the worst word in the world (in my opinion) is HATE. It just doesn't sound like a nice word, no matter how you put it or say it. So my belief has slways been that I really don't hate anyone or anything. Except alcohol. Seeing what it is doing to my wife, and what it is doing to our family, I truly hate it. Hate hearing ads on the radio about it, hate seeing ads for it on TV, hate anyone at work talking about it, just hate hate hate it. With a passion. Anyway, that turned into a rambling rant. Happy for anyone to offer advice, ask questions. Like I said I am at a crossroads not really knowing how to proceed, any assistance or support would definitely be appreciated. Thanks.

Jay-1234 Long term relationship breakup
  • replies: 5

My fiance has fallen out of love with me and broken up with me. 3yrs ago I was in a terrible accident that left me maimed, with complex PTSD, depression and anxiety. I was near death for over a month and my partner of 7yrs proposed while I was in the... View more

My fiance has fallen out of love with me and broken up with me. 3yrs ago I was in a terrible accident that left me maimed, with complex PTSD, depression and anxiety. I was near death for over a month and my partner of 7yrs proposed while I was in the ICU. It has been a really difficult time since with a lot of adjustments needed by both of us and he had been very supportive. I'd noticed that he was struggling to cope for the past few months and had been encouraging him to seek therapy or take a holiday away from me for respite but it was refused. Three weeks ago he told me that while he loves me, he was no longer in love with me and feels more like a carer than a partner. He asked me to leave and that he is unwilling to attempt any type of repair to the relationship. I was completely unaware of the relationship breaking down and we were discussing pregnancy and building a home together just the week before. I'm now living with my mother and my belongings are in storage while waiting for an accessible home to become available. I feel so terribly lost and my panic attacks have been uncontrollable to the point where my GP has prescribed medication. I hurt so bad, am really confused and am terrified of the future. I miss him horribly and am devastated that somehow my relationship of 11yrs just disappeared in 3 weeks and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Milly75 Alcoholism
  • replies: 1

I have been living with an alcoholic for 15 years. I work fulltime & pay all expenses for the household. My partner does not work & sells anything of worth to pay for alcohol. He has no access to my money or credit cards, nor do I enable him. He cons... View more

I have been living with an alcoholic for 15 years. I work fulltime & pay all expenses for the household. My partner does not work & sells anything of worth to pay for alcohol. He has no access to my money or credit cards, nor do I enable him. He constantly reaches out to his mum for $ and she gives in every time. I have spoken with her, pleading for her to stop giving him money as he is an alcoholic, yet it falls on deaf ears. He will take her last $20 without hesitation. I have overcome many challenges in my life, from sexual abuse as a young child, drug dependency as an adult and several suicide attempts. I have been clean 17 years now from both amphetamines and alcohol. I am in a job that I love, have a fantastic relationship with my son ( which took many years to rebuild) and adore my 3 grandchildren who's lives I am apart of. My partner does not come to family get togethers nor spend any time with my son, grandchildren or parents, choosing to stay home and drink. In the past 7 years we have become 2 people who share a house and separate beds. I cannot understand what is stopping me from leaving him, after overcoming such huge obstacles in my life, why am I finding this so hard.

valiant69 Supporting an adult child undiagnosed
  • replies: 4

Looking for advice as to how best support an adult male child living at home who is refusing to seek professional help with depression, anxiety and associated anger. Has not been able to maintain employment and has become socially isolated. Also refu... View more

Looking for advice as to how best support an adult male child living at home who is refusing to seek professional help with depression, anxiety and associated anger. Has not been able to maintain employment and has become socially isolated. Also refusing to abide by house rules and is verbally abusive but can be reflective at times about behaviour and recognises the need for change but seems to be “stuck”. Any advice appreciated…how do you get help for a family member when any assistance is refused?

D_D Am I a bad friend
  • replies: 7

My closest friend has just blocked me. Friends for 19 years. Every time she’d run away from partners she'd come to my house. She's always starting a new job or leaving one. She is in a different country every other week. She doesn't talk to her mum (... View more

My closest friend has just blocked me. Friends for 19 years. Every time she’d run away from partners she'd come to my house. She's always starting a new job or leaving one. She is in a different country every other week. She doesn't talk to her mum (who I am very close with). She has such a dramatic life. Always running from people. Always smashing windows of partners and scratching up cars. She has come to live with my husband and I more times that I can count. She comes for 3 months at a time and then is off again with someone new in a new country. Fast forward to this week. She messaged me saying she tried to end her life whilst on vacation. (Not the first time this has happened). Ofcourse i was in total shock again. Tried to call her. She would only talk via text. We spoke about why she had done it and she said she was drunk. She was seeking help and making some decisions. I tried to arrange to go see her but she was tired. We said tomorrow (Wednesday) we'd go out for sushi at our usual place. Unfortunately my son had bad conjunctivitis and I was told to not take him outdoors due to the drops in his eyes. I got so caught up in trying to see her that I had forgot about his eyes. I messaged and told her and asked if she would come here for lunch instead. She didn't want too. That's fine. I said I would come to hers when my husband got home and could mind my son. She said ok but then messaged to say she was going to speak with a specialist and couldn't meet. Thuraday was my birthday and we have a kitchen being renovated on Friday so I had to run around picking up the benchtop and sink. I asked if she wanted to come with me. She said no. by the time I got home she was in another appointment. Friday i had the kitchen work done and to be honest - I didn't even think of her. She sends me a text Friday afternoon stating she was cutting ties with me as I had not come seen her when she needed me. I tried to reply but she blocked me.