Is my boyfriend severely depressed or does he want to leave me?

ReachOut · ‎25-04-2016

Hi everyone, I'm very concerned about my boyfriend who is currently giving me the silent treatment.

It's been over a week and the thoughts going through my head are driving me crazy. He has a history of depression, though I don't know much about it as we've only been together for 9 months and he doesn't talk about it with me.

I brought up an issue recently, and he wasn't willing to talk about it- he just shut off completely. I got very upset and frustrated and tried to push the conversation a bit further but it was ignored and we both went to sleep. He then got up in the middle of the night and left. (We don't live together- I assume he went to his house).

I haven't heard from him or seen home since, though I've tried calling multiple times and sent 3 text messages. I've tried apologising for how I handled the situation. I've tried explaining that by bringing up any issues in our relationship isn't a personal attack on him. I've tried telling him how much I care, etc etc. Same result- nothing.

Before this recent event, there's been 3 other times when a similar thing has happened. Seemingly when there is any problem and a lack of communication, he just ignores me for days. In the past it has only been 3-4 days maximum, and then he's contacted me. This time it's much longer.

I'm trying to work out what to do, if I even can do anything. Communication is so important to me and I don't know how to solve this when we can't talk.

I've almost settled on the sad fact that he just wants me to leave him alone/ break up, yet I'm almost positive that he's acting this way because of his depression. Other than these times, he's very caring and seemingly happy in the relationship, and we have a lot of fun together.

I love him and want to be there for him if he is battling with depression.

Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated.

White_Rose · ‎25-04-2016

Dear Reach Out

Hello. It's good you found your way to this forum and welcome.

It's true that people who are depressed find it hard to talk about their depression, often because they believe it makes them unlovable. Your BF may feel this way but to me he sounds like a controlling sort of person who will not answer anything he considers not your business.

You say he has done this on several occasions and you have always run after him and apologized. So now he knows how to shut you up when he doesn't want to answer you. Being ignored is horrible and hurts and distresses anyone who is used to healthy conversations. It seems he is the one to decide what you can and cannot ask. That's not a healthy conversation.

Ignoring you until you are sufficiently upset tells me he is a bully and will continue to use this form of punishment to avoid answering and to make you afraid to ask anything. Even if he cannot talk about something, he can ask you nicely not to bring it up without leaving and making you beg to be forgiven.

My suggestion is that you stop trying to contact him. I know, you feel that this will be the end of the world. But what if I am correct? Will a few days silence be that bad? See what happens when you ignore him. My bet is that after a day or so he will contact you. Ask him the question again, face to face, and tell him not to walk out but either give you an answer or explain why he cannot answer. Also why he feels the need to walk out on you as he has done several times.

My dear, it sounds to me that you will be happier and more comfortable with a new BF. We have enough sad and uncomfortable things happen in our lives. We certainly do not need a controlling person there as well.

Please continue to write. You are not the bad person here and if he wants to break up, he can tell you instead of this childish behaviour. You are worth far more.

Mary

Carmela · ‎28-04-2016

Hi Reachout, it is important for your BF to acknowledge he has depression and seek professional help. If he doesn't it will be an uphill battle for you. The hardest part I find in supporting someone is realising and accepting that it's not about you. You can love them, support them, and be there for them, but it is ultimately their journey and one that they need to own.

I appreciate the fact that you want to support him, but he needs to take the first steps. I am sorry for being so blunt about this, but you deserve happiness as well.

Carmela

ReachOut · ‎30-04-2016

Hi again,

Thank you both so much for responding, I really appreciate it.

He and I have spoken on the phone since, and I had the chance to talk more about his depression. He didn't say much back but I did learn a few things:

In the time that he wasn't talking to me (about 2 weeks), he wasn't really talking to anyone else either. He mostly stayed at home and slept.

He told me that it's the way he deals with it (ie. depression) and that he's been like that for as long as he can remember. So it made me realise what a long term battle he's been having.

I suggested that if he's unable to talk with me or people close to him about things then it might be good to talk to someone else. But he explained he doesn't talk about it, and this is normal for him. I guess he sees depression as part of his identity. I don't see it like that though- there's an amazing person underneath the illness (which I told him too!)

I've been doing a lot of reading to educate myself about depression and find advice on how best to support him (and myself) with this. It's been sad to learn about how much it's affecting him and I've got very mixed thoughts about where to go from here. I hope that by supporting him and speaking openly about his depression and our relationship that he might want to seek some help. But I do realise that ultimately, it's his decision to make the first steps and if he doesn't want to change then I have to focus on what's best for me.

geoff · ‎01-05-2016

dear ReachOut, it's very sad whenever someone gets depression because the person they love and live with is also suffering as well as the communication breaks down and you don't understand why he would ever want to do this to you, because all you want to do is talk with him and support him in anyway you can, but sometimes there is an enormous hurdle that you to try and jump over, but it's impossible.
To accept that he has depression will mean that your life is not going to go along smoothly as you had hoped, so in other words it will be a hard road to follow, because when he has a really bad day then he will disappear, and as you have posted this comment then I have to address my answer to you.
He needs to get help, and only until this starts to happen then it's going to be lonely and perhaps frustrating, but what weare concerned about is that you will feel sad, and by having an extended period of sadness could mean having depression and that's not what we want to happen.
Life in general has many roads for us to travel along and if we go the wrong way that means trouble, and even if we go down the right way doesn't mean it's going to be smooth sailing.
His depression could go for a long period of time, although that's hard to say, but that's what normally happens, so you now have to decide whether you want to travel this uncertain and rocky road or to decide to move on.
Love isn't strong enough to hold a couple together if one of you has depression, although you may start of trying but then it becomes too much. Geoff. x

ReachOut · ‎07-05-2016

Thanks Geoff,

You're right, the road will be a bit rocky but he's worth it to me. As I'm already finding it hard, I'll make sure to keep checking in with my own mental health along the way and find strategies to handle the situation as best I can.

I've got my fingers crossed that with time he'll be able to seek help and begin to recover. I am probably being overly optimistic in thinking that love can hold us together, but at very least I hope that loving him helps him to know he's not alone.

All the best

Sassinthecity · ‎17-06-2017

Hi Reachout,

I know this is over a year later, but I'm in a similar predicament and just wanted to know if you had a positive outcome or not?

My partner and I both suffer from depression, the difference is i'm getting help for mine and he's not. He does the same thing, shuts down, doesn't talk much and when I ask him serious questions he avoids the answers. I know he's been really burnt in the past and he's a beautiful person so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and be patient, but we've been together for about 5 months now. His family and friends don't know about me, i'm a secret because he's not ready for me to meet them yet. Yet he's met half of my family and all my friends.

I just feel lost. How long do you give someone? I feel an ultimatum never works... but I know if something doesn't change in the next 6 months i'll leave. I just don't know what to do in the mean time... plus it's exacerbating my anxiety almost on a daily basis and that's what my psych last asked me. How long can I handle it for?

I've always been the kind of person to others before me, and I know I have to look after myself... however i'm just so unsure how to do that and I honestly don't know if it's worth pushing him and losing him if i'm being a bit impatient? Any advice would be wonderful thank you 🙂

geoff · ‎18-06-2017

hello Sassinthecity, I'm sorry for the situation you are in but pleased you are seeking help, but you will not be able to tell him to get help until he decides that's what he needs to do.
I do find it rather strange that he won't mention you to his family, and wonder what he maybe hiding, if it's because of your depression, then I don't believe that is giving you enough credit, because you're getting help whereas he isn't, or perhaps that's the reason, never mind, you need to make a decision whether or not you want to stay with him.
When you start to feel better and he hasn't changed and still won't seek then the situation is going to very difficult for the two of you to have a r/ship, and perhaps you will start to get annoyed, but you have to look at say 8 years times if you're still together and how any difficult decision will be resolved.
If it's something he doesn't like will this mean he won't communicate with you, and please I'm not preempting that this may happen, but something to think about.
In 6 months time you maybe feeling much better, I really hope so, but by leaving him, there's a chance you may get better in just a couple of months.
You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. Geoff.

Puppies · ‎07-07-2017

Hi ReachOut, I'm in a similar situation right now, even though this was a post from over a year ago. My partner and I have been together for a month off 3 years and his depression is now the worst it's ever been. I understand what you mean when you say the depression makes it seem as though they're a totally different person, because when they're not going through an episode, they're such a lovely person!

I am unsure what to do at the moment apart from wait until he will talk again. I told him I will message him in a few days because he last told me that he thinks he needs some space because that may help him. Space is the hardest thing for me to give because I am quite in touch with my emotions and tell him how I'm feeling whenever I feel it's necessary for him to know.

I feel I am quite educated on the symptoms and how depression can differ, but I have told him that I will never know exactly how it feels or what it's like unless I have depression one day.

It is so confusing to me sometimes because I feel like he's so in love with me, and then he feels depressed again and wants to be alone, perhaps even without a girlfriend.

Its so hard for me, but at the end of the day I have made the decision to stay because I am one of his biggest supports, I love him so much and I want to support him while he gets better.

However, there's only so much we can do. I hope that if/when i see him again we can talk and I can help convince him to get help on top of the medication.

i love him with all my heart, and I hope you had the best outcome with your issues last year

puppies x