Feeling Burnt out. Have been supporting my partner of 4 years with depression

[50-50-52]

My partner is a beautiful man and hence why I have stayed in this relationship for so long. He has had multiple depressive episodes in our relationship. The latest one starting since August of last year. He is doing all he can to help himself but nothing has worked since August. He has no friends. I feel the role of being equal in this relationship has changed. I feel like I am constantly trying to help him and give him ideas on how to help himself. I feel like a Mother. He has just started a mood stabilizer as well as being on anti depressants since i Have known him. Unfortunately I am starting to feel depressed myself as it has gone on so long. And I myself suffer from mild anxiety. I don't want to end the relationship. But I am starting to feel burnt out. 

[Sophie_M]

Hello 50-50-52, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with our community. It sounds like you're going through such a vulnerable time supporting your partner... he is very lucky to have you. It seems like you are able to see his beauty, but that he is finding it a little hard to see it in himself right now... I can't imagine how hard this must be for you both.

All this said, things can absolutely change, so please don't think they will stay the same forever. It sounds like you're just needing a little bit of support. 

I think, right now, it's so important that you lovingly let him know you will also have to prioritise you. This means doing things for yourself, exploring your own therapy, connecting with people who make you feel supported, setting some boundaries around what you can and can't provide, and gently redirecting some of your attention towards your own wellbeing. I know this might feel challenging at first, but it will help you to be there for him without feeling so burnt out or like the relationship is unequal. 

I would also recommend exploring some open-ended questions with your partner, so that he can come to his own conclusions regarding what to do next. This will not only empower him, but it will also take the pressure off you having to know all the answers. This could look like asking, "If you had the energy and could do anything you wanted today, what would that look like?" or "If you felt really good right now, what would you be doing differently?" 

Try to see his answers as little clues and follow them with curiosity - reflect back what you can hear and affirm any actions that you see are him making change, no matter how small. 

Let me know if this helps! I would love to hear what comes from this conversation. And remember, it can take time for someone to answer these questions when they are experiencing depression, so be gentle with both of you. 

And lastly, please look into writing up a self-care plan, one that is easy and accessible, and that you can adhere to in order to prioritise your wellbeing - moderator's orders! 😋

Looking forward or your reply 💙

Warm regards, 
Sophie M.   

[therising]

Hi 50-50-52

I think it's one thing for a 'matter of fact' type of person to be supporting a partner through mental and emotional challenges, it's a whole other story when the supportive person is a deeply feeling person themself. To still be so deeply feeling after all these years leads me to imagine you're someone who is very empathetic and a truly beautiful person.

I'm wondering whether a Google search into 'The struggles that come with being an empath' might offer you a number of revelations. On top of that, some research into 'Strategies for empaths' could also perhaps offer some revelations and some positive way forward. Mental, emotional and even physical exhaustion is not an uncommon side effect of feeling so deeply for others. It can take a lot energy when it comes to not only feeling deeply but also problem solving. It can also be a challenge to separate your own emotions from someone else's. Regularly feeling someone else's depression can take a toll.

From a purely chemical perspective, it can also be about the chemistry we're not generating. From my own experience within my 22 year marriage, I'd have to say that my husband is not typically someone who leads me to feel a lot of highs or plenty of dopamine hits. After a while, the lack of highs or dopamine can start to bring me down. While I used to feel really bad about emotionally disconnecting from him at times, I eventually came to realise that I tended to recharge during those times of disconnection. Like a flat battery going into recharge, I discovered the importance of having a circle of people around me to recharge me. If I don't connect with certain people at times, I can feel incredibly flat or exhausted. One of my own triggers for depression is a seriously depressing lack of energy. If life is the feeling of energy running through us, not feeling that energy can mean not feeling fully alive.

Of course, everyone's circle of 'go to' people will appear different, based on their needs. For some, the circle may include some friends or family members, a guidance counselor, some people who are good for a laugh, some that are good for the soul, maybe a key YouTube educator who offers insights into ways of self development or greater self understanding and the list goes on. The more needs, the bigger the circle. ❤️

[50-50-52]

Thank You So much for your kind words and encouragement. It means a lot. I have never been in a forum before. And yes self care is so important. I have booked myself in for a Mental Health Care Plan. But I guess I needed a bit of a push to realise how important it is to look after myself. Love the open ended questions too to empower him. I will give this a go. Many thanks

[50-50-52]

Thanks so much for your email. I found it amazing how you could pick my personality in one small email. But yes I had thought maybe I was an empath and it makes a lot of sense. To actually hone in on that and realise I do need to tread carefully at times and recharge myself. And Know that it is OK was a great insight. So thank You. I am also in the process of booking myself into some counselling session as well. Thanks again

[therising]

While gradually waking up to who we naturally are and how we naturally tick there comes a lot of those light bulb moments which can lead us to say 'No wonder I struggle so much under certain circumstances, it makes complete sense'. So, it's like waking up to 'I'm not 'broken', like I may have been led to believe, I simply tick a certain way and this is based on certain unique qualities or abilities not every one has'. It's like you can come across a number of insensitive self entitled people who feel fully entitled to not have a filter when it comes to what they say. We can feel what they say. We can easily sense what they're saying, even if they can't. It's not our fault we can sense it, it relates to our ability.