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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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laufeylistener Dealing with toxic friends
  • replies: 3

I had an interaction today with some toxic friends I dropped last year while I was on the bus going home. Let’s call them A and B. I purposefully distanced myself from them over the past few months, which has affected some of my own friendships since... View more

I had an interaction today with some toxic friends I dropped last year while I was on the bus going home. Let’s call them A and B. I purposefully distanced myself from them over the past few months, which has affected some of my own friendships since they’re part of a big friend group and some of my friends are connected to them. A forced me to have a conversation with B, and they began asking the most stupidest, immature and unethical questions. Mind you we just started Year 12, probably the most stressful year of our academic lives. B said that if I didn’t answer then they’d threaten to talk bad about me online and create fake alternate accounts of me that impersonated me. I felt really uncomfortable because it felt like they were violating my privacy, with A shoving their phone and taking pictures of me without my consent. I said I wasn’t comfortable answering their questions but they kept asking, so I just shut my eyes and asked them not to talk to me. I wanted to stand up by myself, but I just stayed silent for the rest of the bus trip until they got off at their bus stop. I just wished I could say more, but I didn’t know what to say. To trust that they were genuine at first and have that destroyed within a few minutes makes me feel dumb. I was trying to act respectful to them by saying that I didn’t want to answer their questions because I didn’t feel comfortable, but they didn’t respect my boundaries. I tried ignoring them, to be resilient as my mum said who told me that they were just trying to sabotage me and destroy my academic life. And reasoning to myself that they were projecting their own insecurities onto me. I just don’t need those distractions, especially for HSC. I just want to find friends that are supportive and mature enough. But now I’m quieter than usual, I feel like I've developed trust issues when talking with new people, and now I only have a few friends I can truly trust. I pretend that other people's opinions don’t affect me, but they do, just a bit. I have a bit of anxiety towards people judging me now. Someone targeting my insecurities, criticizing my likes and dislikes, just switches my mood completely and makes me feel detached, not like myself. A and B talk to me as though I’m a sort of plaything for them, someone to just talk to for their own amusement and enjoyment by belittling me. I’m sick and tired of it. What should I do?

Strawbs101 My husband is an alcoholic
  • replies: 14

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, I’m now 43. We have 3 kids. he has been a functioning alcoholic for many of those years. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t drink. w... View more

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, I’m now 43. We have 3 kids. he has been a functioning alcoholic for many of those years. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t drink. we’ve argued about it for years, nothing changes. last October, on one particular night after months of him becoming more angry & verbally abusive in front of the kids, I told him to leave after a few days we talked & decided we needed to give it everything we’ve got before we end things. So he came back home agreed to go to couplescounselling. I didn’t ask him to quit drinking outright, I think part of me was scared of the answer & the other part wanted to believe him when he said he could cut right back. The counsellor suggested setting up a agreement as to how much he drank. the agreement was no beer before 3.30pm & max 6 per day. I let him choose the amount. I thought it was still a lot he assured me it was much less than before. I think he was having between 12-18 per day & more on weekends cause he’d start at like 11am. He was good for about a week then went over maybe 2 or 3. I felt so let down when he was having more. He thought I was being ‘over the top & controlling’. Over time it gradually got back to where it was. Then we’d fight, then he’d cut back again then the same cycle over & over…. The week days aren’t too bad, mainly because he is working more so getting home later but weekends are a right off. He’s drunk Fri night then starts early Saturday & Sunday. He makes sure he does some mowing or something to justify cracking a beer so early. When I ask him to cut back he thinks I’m trying to control him. He thinks if he’s not yelling & carrying on there’s no problem with him being drunk. He admits he is an alcoholic but doesn’t think he needs to do anything about it. I think I’ve been living on hope for so long because when he’s sober he’s great & I do love that version of him but this other guy that comes out when he drinks is a complete a**hole. I worry about the effect on my kids. I feel like I’ve been riding this roller coaster for the past few years & I’m over it. I want peace. i think deep down I know he won’t stop. No matter how much I ask, he won’t. so I guess the question is do I walk away or stay….. thanks for listening. I would love to hear your thoughts if you’ve been in a similar situation

LSM Parenting guilt causing depressive episodes
  • replies: 5

I am a mother and I love my children but I have constant guilt about the fact that my mental heath issues and disabilities that I didn’t know I had have been passed to them. I don’t know how to work past this. I feel so guilty that I have bought them... View more

I am a mother and I love my children but I have constant guilt about the fact that my mental heath issues and disabilities that I didn’t know I had have been passed to them. I don’t know how to work past this. I feel so guilty that I have bought them to this world and they are suffering like I did as a child and I hate that I can’t take it back. I don’t want to change them I just want life to be easier for them because I know how hard it was for me. Why couldn’t their fathers genes have won why did they have to be like me I have diagnosed depression, anxiety and ADHD and undiagnosed autism. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist but I can’t break these feelings of guilt and unworthiness I feel like I am never able to get things right. I try and make things they will eat and they don’t like it. I make things I know they like and something always seems to go wrong I don’t know if this is all in my head but I feel so broken and guilty and I hate it.

Noah4444 My partner is suffering and self destructive
  • replies: 1

I’m Noah,I find that my partner is incredibly interested in the next steps, like moving in together, talking about the future. But most nights she goes into a mood where she says hurtful things, like “you’re going to leave me anyways”, or “we don’t h... View more

I’m Noah,I find that my partner is incredibly interested in the next steps, like moving in together, talking about the future. But most nights she goes into a mood where she says hurtful things, like “you’re going to leave me anyways”, or “we don’t have a future together”. It’s completely different to how she normally acts. I’ve tried talking to her about therapy or a support group, but she wants nothing to do with it. She says the same stuff most nights and while I do love her it’s becoming something that drains me and makes me feel a bit helpless. She wants to spend all her time together, gets upset when we’re apart then sometimes she says self destructive stuff like “we’re never gonna work” or “nothing good ever happens”. I’m just a bit hurt and not sure how to get her the help I’m struggling to provide. Do I just take her to a group therapy session to sit in? She’s so adverse to seeing a professional 1 on 1, and she’s threatened to break up with me if I try get outside help. I have a feeling she’s not serious but she’s saying stuff as a ploy to get me to stop talking about help or solving any issues she’s having. She doesn’t have hobbies, won’t let me help her with stuff like her resume or job hunting.I love her very much, but the words I would currently use to describe her are self-destructive, ignorant and immature. We go on walks almost every day, but I can’t force her to take on a hobby or anything productive. She says things like “I should just end it all” followed by “you know I’d never kill myself”. I just need some help with helping her, thanks.

Billie1959 Husband’s mental health
  • replies: 2

My husband had prostate cancer four years ago which was successfully removed but left him with erectile disfunction and anxiety/depression. He had a very bad experience with antidepressants and stopped them cold, anxiety attacks followed. Latest test... View more

My husband had prostate cancer four years ago which was successfully removed but left him with erectile disfunction and anxiety/depression. He had a very bad experience with antidepressants and stopped them cold, anxiety attacks followed. Latest tests show cancer has returned microscopically and it’s a waiting game of months before treatment. He now has quite severe depression/anxiety but refuses to see his doctor due to his past experiences. My life with him is so stressful due to his either shutting down or having screaming rages over the slightest thing going wrong. It would be great to hear of others experiencing similar.

Lil Accepting the pattern of my life.
  • replies: 3

Two weeks today I’ll turn 50, the optimism of my youth depleted, the sincere belief that things, life events, will get better, i no longer trust in.I have tried very hard this last year to change but really the pattern of my life is set, I lack frien... View more

Two weeks today I’ll turn 50, the optimism of my youth depleted, the sincere belief that things, life events, will get better, i no longer trust in.I have tried very hard this last year to change but really the pattern of my life is set, I lack friends, the ability to connect to people in anything beyond a superficial way eludes me. I think I’ve made a connection, then I find out I haven’t been invited to events, a quick drink after work, a birthday or a wedding reception that everyone else in the office has attended. I’m not nasty, but I think I’m forgettable. It just keeps happening, every decade of my life has been the same. I’m exhausted, I’m sad, I don’t want to care anymore. I’m kind and friendly, but I also don’t matter much to anyone. Is there any point to a life lived in isolation?

AnotherRandomUser Passive Aggressive Friend
  • replies: 23

My friend has been depressed lately, while Ive been sick, and while Ive tried to be there for them despite my own limitations, theyve been controlling and passive aggressive lately and Im finding it hard to cope. They keep saying everything is fine w... View more

My friend has been depressed lately, while Ive been sick, and while Ive tried to be there for them despite my own limitations, theyve been controlling and passive aggressive lately and Im finding it hard to cope. They keep saying everything is fine when I ask if theyre upset with me, but almost every conversation we have they drop some hint theyre mad at me or judging me in some way. (Often about how I manage money, my time, or my health.)But theyre also sneaky about it in a way I cant call them out on it without them being able to deny it. They also compete with me by suggesting their problems are worse than mine, or complain when I can do something they cant. Usually to invalidate the things Im going through or to suggest their needs are more important than mine. And finally, theres a hobby they love and every chance they get they try to convince me to do it with them. Usually I try to put some time aside to do just that but lately Ive been sick so havent been able to join them. It takes a lot of energy.But now if I do anything else, they make a comment about it (aka you cant be that sick if you can do that) or insult it (insinuate its no good and they wouldnt do it), and then bring up their hobby again (aka if your well to do that then do this with me.) Its unfair because the things Im doing are chores/needs, and the few things I do that are fun are way less difficult and take less time than their hobby. Its just little things to pass the time while sick. Im not avoiding their hobby, its just too hard for me right now!But honestly, even when we do their hobby (I often push myself), they then sometimes make comments that Im enjoying it wrong too, so I really cant win anyway! All and all, I dont know how to cope with this. I really wish theyd just talk to me outright so we can figure out a compromise or I can stand up for myself at least.Ive tried to gently bring it up so as not to cause a fight, but when I do, they deny it or say they didnt mean it that way. So it doesnt work. And unfortunately because they make comments so often, Im paranoid at everything they say now. I think, is this another hint? Is this about me? Are they mad again? I dont even know anymore! I never used to feel this anxious talking to them. It used to be easy. And now I think, how can I can I confront them if I doubt myself? If I dont know if it is always about me? And the worst part, despite the fact their my best friend... lately I havent been wanting to talk to them, or hang out with them. Not out of spite, but because their comments make me so stressed, I dont have fun anymore. I feel controlled and bullied. I admittedly, want to avoid them and I feel like a jerk for it. So is there a way to confront them on this because I dont know how, Im so scared that if I confront them more aggressively on this, their going to hate me and deny it again anyway. But if I dont, I worry Ill destroy our friendship anyway because Im withdrawing more and more, and I think its only making them angrier. But what can I do, they wont talk to me about it!? Can I fix this at all?

Guest_61239359 Stressed with my husband
  • replies: 2

My brother just arrived and will be staying with us. My husband and I went for a walk and he told me that we have different standards and culture. He compared my brother to his cousin who stayed with us, he said our culture doesn't have manners. i ak... View more

My brother just arrived and will be staying with us. My husband and I went for a walk and he told me that we have different standards and culture. He compared my brother to his cousin who stayed with us, he said our culture doesn't have manners. i aksed my brother not to help with the dishes as he was still tired from travel and my husband thinks Im giving special treatment to my brother. He also mentioned I'm offering my brother a silver plate and why I have to take a day off to show him around the area.

SK76 Supporting a partner with depression
  • replies: 3

Hi, My partner has been diagnosed with Clinical Depression since a few years ago. He has come out of it a few times and been in a state of heightened friendliness and cheer and then back to depression - this has happened a few times. A few months ago... View more

Hi, My partner has been diagnosed with Clinical Depression since a few years ago. He has come out of it a few times and been in a state of heightened friendliness and cheer and then back to depression - this has happened a few times. A few months ago he was able to come out of his depression, which I am really pleased about, but he has become super-friendly and has made a lot of online friends (he's normally an introvert). While I am happy about his changed mindset, I am also wary about his over-zealous attempts at making new friends. He is extremely nice to everyone except me and we have been getting into a lot of arguments. While I understand that I need to be supportive and there for him, I feel like I have reached a point where I cannot cope anymore. I am trying to get him to see the issues in better light, but he attributes all the disagreements to me and takes no responsibility for his part in the problems. His sister has been recently diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and this has caused additional problems. It feels like he's constantly angry with me and I am just not able to cope anymore. What should I do and where do I go for help? I am trying to get counselling through work, although I am not entirely sure how it would help. Just posting this rant out there in case anyone has some kind words for me... Thanks in advance!

B3108 19 year old son has gone no contact
  • replies: 2

Here’s a shortened version of your story while keeping the context intact:I married an abusive narcissist, my son's father. We separated when my son was 2.5 years old. I’ve always been his primary carer, and he’s always been afraid of his father. Whe... View more

Here’s a shortened version of your story while keeping the context intact:I married an abusive narcissist, my son's father. We separated when my son was 2.5 years old. I’ve always been his primary carer, and he’s always been afraid of his father. When my son was 3.5, I met a wonderful man who was great with him. My son has no memory of his father and me together.His father had court-ordered visitation every other weekend and a weekday visit. Their relationship was difficult from the start. My son always resisted going, returning angry and withdrawn. It felt like torture sending him, but I had no choice. As he got older, he made excuses to avoid visits. At 15, he finally refused to go, standing firm against his father’s manipulation.Though things improved, my son had always shown anger, becoming darker and moodier with puberty. I sought help, but he dismissed therapists. By Year 11, my relationship with his stepdad fell apart, and my son’s attitude worsened. We separated, which affected him, but his struggles had started earlier. I tried talking to him about school, friends, and sport, but got no answers.After our move, he seemed indifferent. Then, suddenly, he began spending more time with his father, and his attitude toward me became toxic and verbally abusive. I assumed it was a mix of factors, including his father’s influence.He joined the Navy in March last year. I was incredibly proud! At his enlistment, he gave his certificate to his father—not me. We kept in touch regularly. In October, he asked me to call every Friday at 5 PM, which I happily did.At Christmas, he stayed with me for four weeks, avoiding his father. But in his final week home, his mood darkened. After a small argument, I sat him down, explaining how his behavior affected me and that I wanted him to take responsibility. He became defensive, but we hugged, and it seemed resolved.He drove from NSW to Victoria, taking his father for company. I asked him to check in when he arrived. He replied, "If I remember." When I called, he rejected it, later messaging that he was busy. The next day, I asked why he was treating me this way. He called when he returned to base, and we spoke normally. But when I asked why he was being rude, he said he thought our relationship was toxic and wanted to go no contact.I was devastated but told him I’d respect his decision. It’s been 5–6 weeks without contact. I won’t reach out—I promised to honor his wishes.