I feel like I've never been anything to anyone but disposable.

[Guest_46269421]

Does anyone else feel like they have never had even one single person that couldn't stand the thought of not having you in their lives? I grew up the troublesome child from an earlier relationship made fully aware she ruined her family's perfect image leaving me to essentially raise myself. Which is something I've learnt to be grateful for because it made me strong and I do allow myself to be proud that I'm independent and don't have to rely on anyone. But its also a painful way to be. Every relationship I've ever been in I've been cheated on. Which hurts but its hurts more knowing that the fact of knowing what they were doing behind my back would hurt me and they could lose me didnt bother them one bit. Thats what cuts. And every friendship only ever seems to last aslong as I keep my mouth shut if I disagree with anything they say/do and I remain useful to them. No one seems to care wether I'm in their lives or not. No one ever cares about how i feel or me ever. And I'm not a bad person. I do everything I can for others, I foster animals, I give to people in need, I sacrifice for others without hesitation, I'm empathetic and always put others first and make sure to always use my manners and be considerate of others no matter what and I don't judge anyone or treat anyone inferior ever. I do everything I can to be whatever people need me to be because I don't ever want to make anyone hurt like I do or feel how I feel and helping people and making people happy is the only way I feel any warmth in life. So why am I constantly just discarded or wronged. I don't ask for people to treat me a certain way or like I'm special. I just don't understand why I can't find just one person that wants me to stay in their life no matter what. I know I'm the common demonimator in every friendship, relationship or family interaction. I know the chances of the problem being them and not me is illogical and unlikely. But I don't know what else to change. How else to act to be able to just not be abandoned or rejected. I give everything I can to people. And i just get left behind every time or even have them turn against me. I don't know why I don't know what im doing wrong. Am I just worthless. And have to accept that. Because people say you have to love yourself first but how can you do that when you have never seen anyone truly love you. I dont know how to love myself. I know how to love. But not myself. So how can I do that. All I know is the cruel things I've had drilled into me, or being discarded without hesitation. Are some people just nothing to everyone and that's just that. I feel like to not be hurt I have to accept I'm worthless. 

[randomxx]

Hi there op , and l'm v sorry about how things have been going for you. l can't write tonight too tired now but just wanted to say you sound like one hellluva friend and person to me. Someone , the person , l personally would be honored to have in my life and corner. 

l'll drop back when l can.

You take care.

rx

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Thank you for taking this brave step in being so vulnerable to share your experience here. I can imagine it was not an easy one to make but you deserve to be heard and having a voice is important.

You sound like an incredibly amazing person who deserves to feel loved, treasured, and respected. From what you have shared - your empathy, having the ability to put others first, treating others with respect and consideration - this is a reflection of the beautiful person that you are; anyone who has had the privileged to have had you in their life is lucky. I am sorry to hear that they didn't recognise your value, though we here on the forums do! 

I understand that at times it can be difficult to see how worthy we are when all you can see are all the cruel things that have been drilled into you.  Please know that you are beyond worthy. 

It sounds like having some really helpful strategies and working with a Therapist that specialises in facilitating respectful relationships either with ourselves and/or others might be helpful. It can also help you to reconnect with your strengths and being proud of your independence. Our friends at https://www.relationships.org.au/ can assist you with this.

Please continue to find safe spaces to share. We are here for you when you need and our wonderful online community.

Warmest Regards,

Sophie M

[Eagle Ray]

Hi, I just wanted to echo randomxx and Sophie and say you sound like a really kind, lovely, decent person.

Sometimes early life difficulties/traumas can set us up to be that person who always works to be the good friend, partner etc and who meets others needs, but isn’t always treated with the same respect in return. This has nothing to do with being unworthy. It’s just a learned survival pattern carried over from childhood ways of coping. I’m just wondering if this is a pattern you can see in you whereby you’ve adapted in a certain way to survive? Being highly self reliant while also being very responsive to the needs of others has definitely been my pattern, but I’ve been gradually learning to do things differently in recent years. I’m learning to put myself first more, be kind to myself and also not feel I have to work so hard for others. I’ve set better boundaries with others too and, as hard as this has been for me to develop, I am finding it is working to encourage others to treat me better. I have healthier more balanced relationships with people in my life now.

There will be people out there who can see you for the beautiful person you are. You already have 3 people here seeing that. Doing something like working with a therapist could be a really good way of working through these issues, realising your own worth and finding strategies for finding those healthy, reciprocal relationships. You are deserving of kindness, love and respect.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray