I'm so lonely and have been for a very long time. I'm thirty-four and I
feel as though I've spent twenty-two of those years just being lonely.
It's like my entire self has been constructed around a core of
loneliness, like everything I am is just a c...
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I'm so lonely and have been for a very long time. I'm thirty-four and I
feel as though I've spent twenty-two of those years just being lonely.
It's like my entire self has been constructed around a core of
loneliness, like everything I am is just a coping mechanism for the fact
I am hopelessly, utterly, alone. Maybe it's more accurate to say that
the core of loneliness itself has a core, and at the centre of my
loneliness is the expectation of intimacy with others, an expectation
that has simply never been fulfilled. I have tried in the past to build
and maintain intimacy with others, but the sad truth is if all you have
to offer is love and connection, that's not enough for people in today's
world. I lost one good friend because I didn't 100% agree with
Contrapoints on YouTube, I lost another good friend because I didn't
100% agree with Jordan Peterson. It's not like I'm going around causing
drama, or being too unforgiving and shutting myself off - I'm always the
one to offer the olive branch after a fight, but, sadly, most of the
time the fight itself is enough to make most people stop talking to me.
Whether I start the fight or not it doesn't matter, there is no
solidarity anymore, no humility, no forgiveness or understanding, and
unless I want to be totally fake and lie about my beliefs and pretend to
be someone I'm not, I can't seem to form strong connections with others.
It seems like a requirement to make people like you is to just agree
with them, which is fine, I can do that, but it doesn't make for an
intimate relationship, just agreeing with people for the sake of it
seems shallow and manipulative. It's really aggravating, especially
since, like, take Contrapoints - she actually has made videos about how
problematic parasocial relationships are, that is, forming relationships
with YouTubers at the expense of real community, and yet my friend will
still just tell me to "f-off" because she cares more about a face on a
screen than a person she grew up with. I think a lot of it is people
idealising fame and fortune. People think they're too good for their
communities, and so they escape into online ones. Others want more than
they believe their community can provide, they strive to blow up and
leave the past behind them. I'm sure I could help them achieve this too,
except I feel as though the point is for them to prove they're better
than me, so having me help them achieve their goals would defeat the
purpose. Everyone wants to be a Hollywood star, or a YouTuber, or some
other kind of influencer, and so if all you want is what we should all
want, a sense of belonging, intimate friendships, romantic
companionship, then, tough luck. Everyone loses except a tiny minority
who "make it", and that's sad. I know my problems are first world
problems. I don't like to complain because even when it comes to this
stuff, even when it comes to these feelings of loneliness, the fact I do
try so hard to build and maintain relationships means I end up being one
of the lucky ones. But it's just so exhausting. The internet and social
media have all but destroyed real communities, that's how it seems
anyway. It should not be this hard. Just something I've wanted to get
off my chest for a while. To be totally honest this stuff has made me
psychotic before, multiple times. I've been institutionalised because of
it, and the only answer they have is "have you tried this certain
medication?" Like, forget community, it's too much of a hassle these
days, much easier just to produce new pharmaceuticals. What's funny is
these days I'm tempted to check myself into an acute mental health ward
just to feel like I belong to something resembling a community, even if
it is a community of the insane and destitute. All I want is something
that feels fundamental to human nature, something we've lost touch with,
and it's just maddening how few people are willing to take action and
try to be more community minded. I feel like I'm the only one who's
trying.
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
