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is it wrong for me to feel upset and doubt myself when me and my gf arent as intimate for some time

Community Member

me and my girlfriend have been together for just under a year, we are both late ish teenagers and i am just under a year older than her, and lately i have noticed we sometimes fall into periods of arguing a lot more than usual, and i can’t help but notice these periods usually occur after we aren’t as intimate for a while. when we do go for long periods without intimacy which does include sex but is mainly just kissing or long hugs or even just looking into each others eyes for a while and other romantic stuff like that. it gets on my mind and it has been upsetting me quite a bit lately, especially because earlier in our relationship we did stuff like this so often and both of us were very happy to do it and were really open about it like we would talk about how good our sex was or how good it is to just lay and look into each others eyes or how much we liked longs hugs and just forget about everything else. like even when i try to guide the conversation into something like that like a long hug or just staring into her eyes for a while she usually gets distracted and doesn’t notice i am trying to have these moments with her. Or when i try to be more sexual she is quick to say no and to stop which i always stop as soon as she shows signs of not being interested or tells me to stop and i try my best to comfort her and say she is 100% entitled to say no, and i can’t tell her this because i feel if i do it will sound to her like i am trying to guilt trip her into sex but when she does say no and we don’t have sex for a while it does make me a bit upset especially since earlier in our relationship we would do it a lot like multiple times per week and sometimes multiple times per day. it makes me feel like maybe i am not as attractive as i was at the start of our relationship or she is not as attracted to me but she does assure me a lot she loves me very much. I guess what i’m asking is if it’s bad for it to affect me when we don’t have intimacy for long periods of time and if it is bad i need help on how to not get upset when we don’t have them. and if it’s normal then what should i say to her without it coming across like i am trying to guilt trip her into having sex with me when she doesn’t want to 

3 Replies 3

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.


Since I don't know either of you, I can only speak from my experience. I am now in my 60s but I remember my teens well and they can be a confusing time of our life, mostly due to the fact that we are still figuring out who we are and what we want out of life.


I met my husband-to-be when I was 16 and there was a lot of activity to begin with (first few months) but as time passes the drive for males and females tends to change. I was not as interested as I once was, but this had nothing to do with how I felt about my partner, the drive was just not as consistent as it was in the beginning. Unfortunately, in my case it was expected of me (long story) so saying no didn't work and I came to dread the thought of going to bed and having sex. So kudos to you for accepting "no" for an answer.


It is quite normal for females to lose the initial drive after a few months so I would not be too worried about that but I wonder if there is something else that is underlying her resistance to be intimate without sex being involved. My suggestion would be to ask her if there is a reason why you no longer seem to have that closeness you once had. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you at all. There are a number of things like stress or anxiety about something that is happening in her life at present that you may not be aware of. So just try to talk about it without bringing sex into the conversation and see what she has to say.


Most young men don't realise how hormonally driven they are, but it is not usually the same for young women. It rarely has anything to do with no longer finding the partner attractive or not feeling anything for the partner. I think it is very special that you have a romantic side, if she becomes distracted, make it clear that you are trying to have a moment of closeness with her.


I hope this helps a little. Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take care,


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Strong relationships are multifaceted; and, like a healthy diet, we must find a balance in what we love and what we need to nurture growth and promote closer bonding.

Feeling desire and being desirable go far beyond sexual intimacy, and reassurance can be found through selfless gestures and heartfelt communication about dreams and plans for your shared future - perhaps you could broaden your horizons to demonstrate that your love is greater than the sum of its parts.

Attention to this will only enhance your sexual experience, bringing a whole new dimension to what you once believed.


Community Member

It is rare for a relationship to maintain the passion and intensity that it started with into the long term. I'd go so far as to say that most relationships have a 'rose tinted glasses' period at the beginning where each partner is blind to the faults of the other and finds great comfort in spending time with their partner. But usually this intense feeling of being smitten passes. The relationship may endure if both partners understand this and move past this stage but some relationships end at this stage. Probably the thing most likely to cause the relationship to end at this stage is if one partner is anxious about a shift away from the initial intensity where the other is not.

So far as the sex thing is concerned, it is not uncommon for females to have a lower sex drive than males. This is unsurprising when one considers that females have a handful of opportunities to have children in their lifetime where males can pretty well single handedley populate the planet. Former sex therapist Bettina Arndt has written about numerous cases of frustrated husbands dealing with uninterested wives where the reverse scenario almost never happens. Males frustrated by the lack of reciprocation of sexual interest by their partners is commonplace. Many husbands are trapped in sexless marriages they cannot escape without ending up estranged from their children and financially enslaved.

Whatever one’s relationship circumstances I think it is important to maintain one’s own direction. It’s important to look after oneself (eg through diet and exercise) and to have an identity, eg vocational direction and own friend group independent of the relationship. Ironically the more secure one is in themselves and the less dependent and clingy they are in a relationship the less likely they are to push the other person into bowing out.