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Bean

Beans
Community Member

My partner just expressed to me he has had a porn addiction the whole time we have been dating. I feel so hurt and feel like the trust I had for him has completely been broken. What do I do? He wants to work through this but I can’t think straight after such a shock. I’m hurting so bad. What should I do?

 

3 Replies 3

Tibel
Community Member

Ultimately it's up to you, but as a male I can tell you that porn use is the norm, not the exception. Though I don't have a partner, I recently made the decision to quit porn for good after realising I've used it at least once a week since turning twelve, and it's definitely had an unhealthy impact on my psychology. I don't think I'm abnormal either, at least not for my generation.

 

The fact your partner has come to you, confessing and wanting to change, is probably bigger than you realise. The fact that he himself recognises it as a problem is huge. Imagine if you had have caught him viewing porn, and he had to find out through you that it wasn't acceptable, and it was only due to your insistence that he quit, could you ever be secure in that relationship again, knowing that the only reason he holds those values is because of your insistence?

 

I know it's gross, and if you really can't handle it it's really up to you how things proceed. But my big thing is managing expectations, and there's an important question you need to ask yourself: Is the fact he had a porn addiction worth being alone for? I'm saying there's a significant likelihood that subsequent relationships with men will be with men who either have used, or used porn. So if that's your standard, that's fine, but you should know what it means to hold to such a standard. 

 

I hope everything works out for you regardless.

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

This must come as a complete surprise for you.
How did the conversation take place?
   ... for instance,

  • after an argument,
  • an extended period of silence,
  • issues affecting the relationship,
  • issues in moving the relationship forward,
  • some reference to a past trauma,
  • or an errant observation about something he had viewed online.

Context would assist replies as there are a few variables to what first appears black and white.

Beans
Community Member
Thank you for being so open with me. I really appreciate this. Porn addiction is so condensed at the best of times. The biggest problem I have, if you don’t mind me being so open, is I was drugged and sexaully assulted and put on The internet. He knew this from the start of the relationship and Promised me he didn’t watch. Now I feel insecure in what he says is true. I fully except his willingness to repent but I have the thought now I can’t trust him when I’m not looking. It’s so horrible to feel that way towards the man you love. I don’t want this for us. There is no winners here I feel. He is hurting because he hurt me and I’m hurting because I feel cheated on and not good enough.