Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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alloverthesop Merry Christmas I want a divorce
  • replies: 2

Hi,I'm writing here because I don't know what else to do. My wife had I have been together 17 years. One step daughter (19), a daughter (14) and a son (12). We've had a pretty tumultuous relationship, and had done a lot of rounds of counselling. We'd... View more

Hi,I'm writing here because I don't know what else to do. My wife had I have been together 17 years. One step daughter (19), a daughter (14) and a son (12). We've had a pretty tumultuous relationship, and had done a lot of rounds of counselling. We'd agreed we'd make a call about staying together at the end of January, as our son is going into high school next year. On Christmas day something changed. She got really drunk and had a conversation with my sister in law. Next thing she isn't talking to me. Boxing day she said she wanted to talk, and read me a script saying she wants a divorce and does not want to ever discuss our relationship or what happened. She is also talking about getting lawyers, even though we'd spoken about this before and had agreed if we separated we'd do it amicably. We're planning to tell the kids tonight and i'm hurting so bad. The relationship is right to end, but its so sudden and I'm really concerned about how the kids are going to take it.We have a big house with a lot of space, so we have somewhat separate areas to live in. I'm basically living in a glorified shed and I've said I want to go, because I want to start a new life. Of course we cant really afford that until we sell the house so I dont know what to do and she wont talk about it with me.Looking ahead, every day seems miserable and I'm broken. Rationally I know that in the long term it will be better, but its so raw and I cant work out a way forward. Anyway thanks for reading, it feels a little better to write it out.

Lizzie77 Concerned about my sister's kids
  • replies: 1

There are other issues but the main one was brought up last night. So my sister's kids' dad is abusive to an extent, he yells at his kids and can be rough with them. Now my sister (no longer with the father) I've noticed, is acting in the same way, e... View more

There are other issues but the main one was brought up last night. So my sister's kids' dad is abusive to an extent, he yells at his kids and can be rough with them. Now my sister (no longer with the father) I've noticed, is acting in the same way, even after criticising the kids dad for doing the same thing. She also takes out her own frustration and mistakes on the kids (both under 5 yo). For example, she has been giving the kids both melatonin every night since they were about 2, now they are dependent on it. So last night they had run out of melatonin (not the children's fault) and they didn't go to sleep until very late as they hadn't had it. I understand my friend has a lot of stressers at the moment, I try to help when I'm around, but she seems to almost put blame on her small children for something that was her responsibility in the first place. She chose to give them melatonin constantly even when she knew its only meant to be used short term, and she didn't buy a replacement bottle of pills even though she was running low. So she was stressed be a they weren't going to sleep, yelling at them and pushing them down on the bed, smacking them. It broke my heart to see it, both because I feel for her dealing with her life situation but also the kids being treated like that as an outlet to my sisters anger and stress. I dont want to report her but she is also the type of person that won't listen to any kind of criticism, no matter how gently and lovingly put toward her. I really worry for the kids development and feelings of safety. I tried talking to her when I saw this behaviour last night but we were both tired and stressed and I didn't have the right words. I can't be around my sister and pretend everything is fine but I feel partially responsible for the kids safety as a relative. Could there be something I can say to get through to her in a kind way? Thank you for reading and offering any advice x

Albert_247 Father issues
  • replies: 4

It's a complicated relationship with my father, I only appreciate minimal things about him. Even if you wish you could be closer. I've never liked his personality. 1) He pays the bills though2) His too himself behind the T.V.3) His ignorant in ways O... View more

It's a complicated relationship with my father, I only appreciate minimal things about him. Even if you wish you could be closer. I've never liked his personality. 1) He pays the bills though2) His too himself behind the T.V.3) His ignorant in ways Otherwise what I don't like about my Dad though 1) His not genuinely affectionate2) His selfish and in considerate3) His got misogynistic, sexist thoughts4) He can't have conversations5) His secretive with what's he does sometimes6) His devious with what he really thinks about his children7) He can't explain things more than one time He sometimes can be hypocritical 9) He only understands his own opinions, can't conceive why someone's different or likes things that he doesn't 10) He gets insecure or thinks you are dyslexic when your too formal or have better speaking with words than he does 11) He has short temper, maybe he could be violent if you didn't back down probably and kept arguing and not going quiet when he tells you 12) He has more of a grandiose love while simultaneously not apart of our lives and problems and only thinks where more useless, mental or weak

Kate1910 Husband with porn addiction
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So I found out recently that my husband has a porn addiction and this has been going on well before our marriage. I have issues with porn and masturbation and he was aware of this from the very beginning of our relationship. So I have been quite shoc... View more

So I found out recently that my husband has a porn addiction and this has been going on well before our marriage. I have issues with porn and masturbation and he was aware of this from the very beginning of our relationship. So I have been quite shocked to find out not only that he has been doing this for more than 10 years behind my back but it's the frequency which has bothered me. This has all come up after he had a mental breakdown after getting really drunk at a work party and ended up kissing another woman. He told me straight away but is disgusted that it could've possibly gone further as he isn't sure he is the one that pulled away first. He also realises now that he had an emotional affair with another woman at work but didn't realise due to naivety at the time. He is extremely embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted with himself. He is constantly having mental breakdowns about all this. He wants to break up our family as he says I don't deserve to have a husband who has done all this behind my back and has disrespected me and my family in this way. I'm just not sure how I feel about all this. I understand a lot of this is a compulsive symptom of his porn/masturbation addiction. I'm not sure if it's something I can completely get over but at the same time I don't want to break up my family. I am a very strong emotional person and I think with time I can put all this behind me and continue with the life I thought we were going to have. My condition is that he gets the help he needs so these issues are damaging our lives together.

Sadgirl2023 Partner of an ADHD male.
  • replies: 1

I need some help...Me and my partner have been together for 3 years, we have a beautiful home together and two animals. My partner went through his adhd diagnoses a year ago after having started university and was struggling, ontop of that he has mil... View more

I need some help...Me and my partner have been together for 3 years, we have a beautiful home together and two animals. My partner went through his adhd diagnoses a year ago after having started university and was struggling, ontop of that he has mild autism and went through a diagnoses of arthritis at the age of 30- his life has been tough. I myself have OCD and am struggling with my own mental illnesses. In the last 6 months we have been fighting atleast every two days, mostly about his inability to understand or value my feelings, for him to make me feel wanted or desired, or even to speak to me without raising his tone an octave. I am not innocent by any means, I am quick to heighten but that is after being worn down after a few days of his irritability of me or how he challenges everything I say like it's wrong. I work in mental health and am around people everyday that need my support but I need his, I need his support and love and understanding and I just don't get it.I don't want to be apart from him, I will try to never give up on him, I am a fighter but i need some help and guidance. Perhaps someone can help me understand what someone with adhd requires? If anyone also has any expertise on attachment styles that would help aswell as he is an avoidant and I am an anxious style.

Ben317 Help with partner after first child
  • replies: 12

Hey all. Not sure what to do or best action.any advice or help would be great but feels good to write it all out. Sorry about the rambling.We have a 7 month old baby boy. Love him to death. I love my partner. She is amazing with our son. Goes above a... View more

Hey all. Not sure what to do or best action.any advice or help would be great but feels good to write it all out. Sorry about the rambling.We have a 7 month old baby boy. Love him to death. I love my partner. She is amazing with our son. Goes above and beyond looking after him. Couldn’t ask for more. I understand the mental capacity is crazy what she is going through to give him so much attention and understand how exhausting that would be. first child and both learning. I’ve done dumb shit waking him up by being to loud or turning on a vaccume that scares him, to me I see it as normal learning curves. Not intentional.The issue is we are having is arguments over everything to the point I dont offer any suggestion or opinion. She talks to me like a useless person. For example our son had Covid and I picked him up from his cot after he was screaming in distress. Didn’t know where she was I knew she be getting things ready to help comfort him. She comes in while I’m trying to calm him and goes off calling me a potato and that I’m undermining her. My intention was in the moment calm the baby and help her next move. Anyway I just walked out and did everything else wrong after that apparently. I Just try and go with what she wants. Either I hang up the washing wrong. Or dinner not ready on time Or don’t do the nappy right and now I’m at the point of not doing nappys. I would love to To help her out and feel like I’m capable of looking after and comforting him. She now won’t let me in his room at night after I say good night. Not to comfort or put his dummy back in. I am willing to do anything any time.in the 7 months I believe I have gone for 2 10 minutes drives alone with our son and that was a big issue for her and maybe 3 walks around the block. Getting back at 6.03 three minutes late was the last I have done. As a father I’d love to bond with him alone to give her sometime for herself and also plenty of family bonding to. It as she doesn’t trust me and think I am capable. Not sure how she is with leaving him with her mum because I’m not there so I don’t know but my family at this stage is out of the question. I can’t pop over unless it’s planned and she is there. She will not communicate with me or sit down with me to talk things over. Won’t get outside help. I have to ask to book in a time when she is ready to talk after an argument, recently it’s been 5 days and she hasn’t given me the chance to talk. She came up with a partnership agreement giving us opportunity to take back and rephrase things we say. I think it’s good but when I gave her the option it was void because it wasn’t signed and I didn’t file the hard version. But when it suited her it was in use. So I guess How do I communicate with her and help us. Could this be post natal depression? In terms of intimacy it is 0. Won’t hug me. Doesn’t want a kiss on the head. Try to give her space as she might be touched out but things at the moment are dark, cold and I don’t know what to do. I will not walk out on our son or her. It’s not an option I would consider. Don’t need to f up another innocent child.

blueraven No family, no close friends or others
  • replies: 14

Hi, because of my toxic family situation I had to leave them. I found myself among some toxic people after that several times over and learnt the lesson that I had to leave them too. I now live by myself and other than 2 not-so-close friends, I don't... View more

Hi, because of my toxic family situation I had to leave them. I found myself among some toxic people after that several times over and learnt the lesson that I had to leave them too. I now live by myself and other than 2 not-so-close friends, I don't really have any other friends. I've tried getting closer to these friends but they have their own problems. I feel so alien, like there's no way I'll ever be able to have a close family-like group of friends or a partner, even though that's what I ultimately want. I put it off for many years because I was doing my own healing work, but each year that passes by the more alien and undeserving I feel. Now with covid also, it's getting very hard to meet others. I don't feel capable of working. I do have professional support, that's about it. I was wondering if anyone else is in the same boat? No one close. Is it possible to live like this? If I died perhaps no one would even notice for days...

anon_122 Boyfriends family trouble
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone i am in need of some help.So my bf has had family issues most of his life. Without getting into the details he has struggled alot with dealing with things and is quick to anger when something reminds him of his mum. He sees a therapist an... View more

Hi everyone i am in need of some help.So my bf has had family issues most of his life. Without getting into the details he has struggled alot with dealing with things and is quick to anger when something reminds him of his mum. He sees a therapist and it made him a little better but it is becoming increasingly longer between visits. All i want to know is how i can help him. I am feeling hopeless right now and not much help. I feel like it is driving a wedge in our relationship.

elise04 Am I toxic or is it just a trauma response?
  • replies: 1

hi, as the title suggests, I am quite conflicted. In a brief summary, I am now 24 and my childhood has included 6 deaths, 1 suicide, a family member with an eating disorder and a very traumatic past relationship. This all beginning from the age of 13... View more

hi, as the title suggests, I am quite conflicted. In a brief summary, I am now 24 and my childhood has included 6 deaths, 1 suicide, a family member with an eating disorder and a very traumatic past relationship. This all beginning from the age of 13. I'm not sure if I ever got over the death of the loved one as the next death happened so quickly after the last one happened, the first being extremely sudden. The relationship I was in was so toxic, I lost all my confidence, was depressed, did not love myself and I am now against affection due to various forms of toxic behaviours and abuse. On top of all this, I also have some anger issues where I just yell and basically have a tantrum which I have done since I was a child. It isn't all the time but when I wake up in a mood it is very very hard for me to get out of it and if I get pushed it results in the tantrum of me just yelling my lungs out as I honestly cannot communicate properly in that heightened state. Which now I think is because of the trauma I have been through. I am now in a very very healthy relationship with the person of my dreams and I feel as though I am ruining the relationship. At first I didn't want to hold his hand but now I do and I am okay with the physical affection most of the time. However, I feel myself pulling back from him even though he has done nothing wrong. I also react to silly little things that I definitely don't need to be upset by. I have stopped organising dates and asking him how he is without even realising I was doing that. I cling to little things like the one time two years ago he didn't want to see a sunrise and use it against him and say he doesn't want to do things I want to do. I know I have normal expectations and that I am a 'normal' person but at the same time how much of my reactions are trauma related and unhealed grief related? Why do I need to yell at him when I am upset? I just want to be loved but now that I am being loved by the right person, why do I feel the need to push him away and tear him down in the process? How do I manage my emotions in a healthy way?

KindnessWithin Strained relationship with sister
  • replies: 2

I have a strained relationship with my sister (48F) for the past 10 years. She has lost many personal and professional relationships in recent years. I hang in there because I have tons of patience and for the sake of family peace. I know one sore po... View more

I have a strained relationship with my sister (48F) for the past 10 years. She has lost many personal and professional relationships in recent years. I hang in there because I have tons of patience and for the sake of family peace. I know one sore point is that she is jealous that I’m married with children. I can’t help that she isn’t in the same position. She is passive aggressive and has mood swings and behaviours that makes me want to walk away. What happens now? I can’t talk to her in a healthy two way conversation. She talks over me, talks for hours, shuts me down and makes noises like a child. She never apologises. I’m sick of taking the blame for everything. I can see why others have walked away. I wonder if that is the best approach since I feel I have tried everything else?