For 3 years I had an on/off affair with a family friend. It was very
toxic and controlling and took me a long time to stand up to him and get
away as he was a very influential figure within our community. It was
very messy and he was having affairs w...
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For 3 years I had an on/off affair with a family friend. It was very
toxic and controlling and took me a long time to stand up to him and get
away as he was a very influential figure within our community. It was
very messy and he was having affairs with other women at the time. I
could never prove. Ive since broken this down with a psychologist and
determined i had a trauma bond issue with a man who was a narcissist. I
became a horrible person and drank a lot. I'd been married to my husband
for 11 years when it started. 2 young children. He's a great man, with
his own demons. But has always been my soul mate. He drank a lot and
wasn't a 'touchy feely' kind of guy. But we were solid. We work
together, live together and do everything together. I had no love for
the man I had the affair with, rather just found myself in situations I
could not remove myself from without him making my life hell if I did.
Fast forward, the guilt was destroying me. I finally broke it off and he
began making my life hell. Not directly, but indirectly through other
people. Previously, he took advantage of my husband and I's empathy (he
was a chronic alcoholic) and used this excuse so we would care for his
kids. During this time he was with other women. I saw how he controlled
them and he treated his wife poorly. I finally snapped and it all came
out. When I told my husband about the affair, we both broke down. I
destroyed him. He was so broken but he was determined to move forward
together. We were in a very dark place for 10 weeks. But focused on
keeping busy and put energy into our relationship. We made changes to
our lifestyle, stopped drinking alcohol, began hypnotherapy, and we are
both seeing an online counsellor. We can't see drs or counsellors here
as it is a small town and the man i had the affair with has connections
with all these people. He's spreading rumours about me through other
people he 'controls' so I just hide away and wait for the day we never
exist within the same circles. During this time of repair with my
husband, the man would make threats, turn up unannounced to my house to
indirectly antagonise my husband. Ie. Enter my property via the back as
that was how he'd come when we had sex. Police were involved and he went
to court. It still continues to now. Everyday I live with the fear of
him retaliating. I've ruined his marriage, his wife was my friend ive
lost, the marriages of the women he'd also been seeing and my own. I
carry an immense amount of guilt. I've avoided leaving the house for
weeks at a time (I work from home). I've deactivated all my social
media, cut ties with friends in that circle and I am devoted to doing
everything I can to repair the man I've broken. There's cameras
everywhere at my house, for protection, but also so I can 'prove' to my
husband I'm not maintaining this affair. (He doesn't care for this, but
it was a measure I needed to feel better). The point of this is, I have
everything I could possibly want. A man who still wants to move forward
with me and make positive changes but the guilt of this crushes me. My
thoughts of myself are very negative. Everything triggers me. I have
good and bad days. I'm filled with so much anxiety, hate and anger. The
man i had the affair with has a community rallying around him and i am
just a whore. There's been times when I have felt life is not worth
living. The only thing that stops me is the fact I'd destroy another
family and my husband would be completely traumatised. I know this is my
karma for my actions. Should I just set my husband and children up
financially and exit? I don't deserve anything and I punish myself by
taking all the pleasures in my life away. Surely they are better off
without my ups and downs?. I can't live with myself but am too weak to
do anything so do I continue to fake normality for the sake of my
family. In my head, I just want to rebuild my husband so he doesn't
think all women are like this and maybe one day he will find someone who
he truly deserves. I've previously been on antidepressants many years
ago but they didn't work for me. I was a zombie and it made me even more
depressed. I know there'll be backlash from this post, I know I brought
this on myself. I just need advice as to whether staying is hurting my
husband more.
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
