Refuses to blame drink

[Guest_94529360]

I’d describe my husband as a highly functioning alcoholic. He just loves his beer and drinks every day. He has hobbies too, so he’s not all about the drink, but it plays a big part in our lives.

We moved to Australia at the start of the year with two little ones, so I’m currently not working looking after them. He has a very good job.

Yesterday he finished work early so we met for lunch. This involved drinks, as always. I’m guilty of loving drink too but I can easily go without.

Last night he decided to get himself scammed by investing all his savings (I say his, technically ours), into bitcoin. He NEVER would’ve done this sober and refuses to acknowledge that being drunk is the reason why. He woke up at 7am to try and sort it out, and immediately started drinking as he was stressed by it all. He’s since drank all day and our savings are gone.

When is enough enough? I love him but he’s too selfish to see that he loves his mistress (drink) more than his family. He knows he has a drinking problem, in the past calling himself a highly functioning alcoholic, but he won’t do anything about it. How do they see sense?

He’s apologised re. losing the money and had said he’ll be extremely frugal with himself other than when it comes to beer.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the Forum, I guess if you were to look in other threads you may well find others in the same situation -a partner who is addicted to something, be it gambling, illicit substances or many other things

I'm sorry too about your savings, hopefully they can slowly build up again, however perhaps taking safeguards might be in order, this assumes you want ot stay together.

So the big question will be do you intend ot stay together?

You have a family and kids, and that is something of great value -provided all try to make it work. With a person who is so influenced by drink as to behave as your husband did points to a big problem, and in order for it to be overcome takes some essential things. The person concerned has to believe there is in fact a severe problem, they wish hard to stop- not just agree, and there has to be professional assistance together with support at home.

It is not impossible, but it can be very hard. It would be great if all improvement was steady but there can be setbacks. These need to be taken into account and strategies in place to deal with them.

Do you think you -or anyone else - can get your husband to see the facts and try hard so as not only does he improve but also keeps his family?

Can I ask if you have anyone to support you -family or a friend perhaps. Trying to face this alone is very hard. I would also expect you would need professional guidance as to what to try to do and how to cope with the matter.

If you would like to come back and say how you are getting one you would be most welcome

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at what sounds like such a stressful, frustrating and overall upsetting time in your life. I feel for you so deeply. When an alcoholic sees their drinking as 'a bit of a problem' but also 'a solution', it can be hard for them to fully recognise the impact it's having on them and those around them. As a gal who's an ex drinker, I can relate to seeing it as a 'solution' to a lot of things. Of course it's far from being solution.

When I first met my husband 25 years ago or so, we became great drinking buddies. We'd drink daily together and this went on for some years, until I came out of long term depression. He remained a drinker and I stepped foot on a different emotional path. What I mean by that is I began to manage my emotions without relying on alcohol. If I wanted to gain a sense of peace, I had to develop skills in doing that. If I wanted to manage social anxiety, I had to find ways. If I wanted to experience a sense of happiness, I had to 'come to my senses' and learn to sense what led me to feel happiness and what led me to feel a lack of it. The list goes on. Took me a long time to realise but I'd become reliant on alcohol for 2 reasons, 1)it gave me the feelings I needed and 2)it was because I lacked life skills for managing challenging situations, especially emotionally challenging ones. My husband continues to drink for these reasons, as do a lot of alcoholics. The 'high functioning' aspect is how some drinkers convince themselves they don't have a problem. 'I don't miss work because of drinking. I'm still able to support the family. I'm highly functional for the majority of the day and then I just like to unwind. Everyone loves me' etc etc. With that last one ('Everyone loves me'), it can be easy for the friends of a drinker when they get to go home from having fun with them but when you have to live with and depend on a drinker it can definitely be challenging in a whole number of ways.

I think there are many different facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are. With getting drunk, there'll be a number of facets that walk in the door, while some go out the window. When a carefree facet walks in the door, a careful facet (that which is full of care and consideration) can go out the window. When a deeply thoughtful facet (such as 'the analyst' in us) leaves, what we get is some thoughtless facet. When the sage in us would normally be dictating 'Whatever you do, do not to that!', the sage is long gone after so many drinks, replaced by a part of us that completely lacks any sense of wisdom or intuition. To say to a drinker 'There are certain parts of you I just can't rely on when you've been drinking' is telling them the truth. 'When the most conscious parts of you are sedated through alcohol, you may not experience this as a problem but I do' is another truth. I think part of speaking to a high functioning alcoholic involves telling the truth in ways they can possibly relate to. While they may feel guilty, feeling a sense of guilt is not a bad thing, it's not something to drink away. I've found a sense of guilt to be a call to greater consciousness. While becoming more conscious, the feelings that come with 'waking up' can be intensely challenging ones. If you can get a drinker to do a serious reality check, waking them up to the reality of their drinking, that's progress. If they suddenly become truly shocked, that's serious progress. If they become ashamed, shame must be eliminated. It's nothing more than a soul destroying, depressing and destructive emotion and serves no purpose other than sufferance. Steer well clear of shame. People tend to drink more, based on a sense of shame. 

[David35]

I've recovered from alcoholism. The truth is, the addict is in denial. Often they need to experience some crisis for reality to eventually hit them in the head. No one else can change them. I was in denial for a long time until I could see the effect it had on my parents, on my health, etc. I eventually went to AA. You can support him, but ultimately it's up to him to get help. You can't help him if he won't admit to himself he has a problem.

There is a book called the Big Book. https://aa-netherlands.org/big-book-online/ I would urge him to read it. There are many stories in there of people living in denial who end up losing everything, but find salvation in accepting they have a problem. There's no shame in it.