Core of Loneliness

[Tibel]

I'm so lonely and have been for a very long time. I'm thirty-four and I feel as though I've spent twenty-two of those years just being lonely. It's like my entire self has been constructed around a core of loneliness, like everything I am is just a coping mechanism for the fact I am hopelessly, utterly, alone. Maybe it's more accurate to say that the core of loneliness itself has a core, and at the centre of my loneliness is the expectation of intimacy with others, an expectation that has simply never been fulfilled. 

I have tried in the past to build and maintain intimacy with others, but the sad truth is if all you have to offer is love and connection, that's not enough for people in today's world. I lost one good friend because I didn't 100% agree with Contrapoints on YouTube, I lost another good friend because I didn't 100% agree with Jordan Peterson. It's not like I'm going around causing drama, or being too unforgiving and shutting myself off - I'm always the one to offer the olive branch after a fight, but, sadly, most of the time the fight itself is enough to make most people stop talking to me. Whether I start the fight or not it doesn't matter, there is no solidarity anymore, no humility, no forgiveness or understanding, and unless I want to be totally fake and lie about my beliefs and pretend to be someone I'm not, I can't seem to form strong connections with others. It seems like a requirement to make people like you is to just agree with them, which is fine, I can do that, but it doesn't make for an intimate relationship, just agreeing with people for the sake of it seems shallow and manipulative. It's really aggravating, especially since, like, take Contrapoints - she actually has made videos about how problematic parasocial relationships are, that is, forming relationships with YouTubers at the expense of real community, and yet my friend will still just tell me to "f-off" because she cares more about a face on a screen than a person she grew up with. 

I think a lot of it is people idealising fame and fortune. People think they're too good for their communities, and so they escape into online ones. Others want more than they believe their community can provide, they strive to blow up and leave the past behind them. I'm sure I could help them achieve this too, except I feel as though the point is for them to prove they're better than me, so having me help them achieve their goals would defeat the purpose. Everyone wants to be a Hollywood star, or a YouTuber, or some other kind of influencer, and so if all you want is what we should all want, a sense of belonging, intimate friendships, romantic companionship, then, tough luck. Everyone loses except a tiny minority who "make it", and that's sad. 

I know my problems are first world problems. I don't like to complain because even when it comes to this stuff, even when it comes to these feelings of loneliness, the fact I do try so hard to build and maintain relationships means I end up being one of the lucky ones. But it's just so exhausting. The internet and social media have all but destroyed real communities, that's how it seems anyway. It should not be this hard. Just something I've wanted to get off my chest for a while. To be totally honest this stuff has made me psychotic before, multiple times. I've been institutionalised because of it, and the only answer they have is "have you tried this certain medication?" Like, forget community, it's too much of a hassle these days, much easier just to produce new pharmaceuticals. What's funny is these days I'm tempted to check myself into an acute mental health ward just to feel like I belong to something resembling a community, even if it is a community of the insane and destitute. All I want is something that feels fundamental to human nature, something we've lost touch with, and it's just maddening how few people are willing to take action and try to be more community minded. I feel like I'm the only one who's trying.

[therising]

Hi Tibel

You have brilliant insight into your thoughts and feelings. I imagine such insight has not come easily and may have taken a great deal of time and effort to reach. To say that gradually waking up is a tough thing can be an understatement. I feel so much for you as you find yourself waking up to a lot of the things that seriously challenge you.

As a gal who has a bit of a love/hate relationship with becoming more conscious, while I love waking up through certain revelations, I also hate some of the challenges that come with such a process. The emotional challenges would have to be the toughest aspect. While I used to think of emotions as simply 'things', I was eventually led to consider them as different 'energies in motion' that can be felt. Whether what we're feeling are chemical reactions or natural reactions, it doesn't matter. Oxytocin vs love, dopamine vs joy, endorphins vs zen, it doesn't matter. Call it what you will. I think how to become a master at being sensitive (being able to sense what we're feeling or need to feel) is what makes a difference.

Being able to sense is just one half of the challenge. Kind of like 'Well, yes, I can sense loneliness within me (that kind of energy) and it feels like this...'. The other half of the challenge involves 'What the heck's led me to feel it?'. Cue the analyst in us and a potential opening of a Pandora's box of emotions. 'I feel lonely with this person, based on a sense of degradation leading to separation from them. They lead me to feel 'less than' or worthless'. 'I feel lonely with that person based on them being someone who'd rather fight for their beliefs than open their mind to some of mine, so we could share open minded discussions. I feel pain through their self service, closed mind and a lack of willingness to share'. 'I feel lonely with these people based on me being a nature lover and them preferring so much of what I'd deem unnatural or soul destroying. While I feel a soulful connection to what's natural, I also feel completely alone in nature or my nature, which saddens me'. Out of the box we can begin to feel all those challenging energies emerge: Degradation, separation/disconnection, worthlessness, pain, sadness and more.

I'd say a major/huge/enormous challenge when it comes to being a sensitive person can involve a lack of sensitivity in others. Wondering if you've ever asked the question 'Why can people not feel/sense in the ways that I do?'. This is where sanity or insanity comes into play. One person's inner sanity is going to look different to another's. To each other, they may appear insane. A highly sensitive person may think 'That insensitive person's completely insane. How could they not possibly sense what they're saying to me? It's completely depressing. What the hell is wrong with them?'. A highly insensitive person may think 'That super sensitive person's completely insane. How could they possibly take what I'm saying personally? They need to 'toughen up'. What the hell is wrong with them?'. Btw, I have a passionate dislike for that 'toughen up' comment 😡. Myself, I love highly sensitive people who can easily sense in so many amazing ways. They're just so easy to get along with, in my opinion. On the other hand, insensitive people tend to trigger me something shocking.

The emotional connection is a 2 way channel through which we can feel for each other. The exchange of joyful energy definitely has a feel to it. 😊💓