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being afraid of relationships
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hi there, I’m a 19 year old girl who hasn’t had the best time with previous relationships. (E.g sexual assault, domestic violence, cheating etc.)
My current partner is wonderful, treats me great, always listens, always understanding, caring for me. But recently I’ve been very on edge almost like I’m scared of the safety and peace. And it’s like I’m constantly looking for something bad to happend and scared of being healthy?
I love my partner and I’m very afraid to hurt him in this process. I know it takes time to heal from these things.., but does anyone have any tips on how to overcome the toxic thought process and learn how to be comfortable in healthy
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Dear New Member~
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. A good move on your part as if you look around you will find others and how they coped with similar situations.
I'm very glad you have found a partner who you love and do not want ot hurt, and listens and cares. Even so you have been injured deeply more than once in the past and that can mean you have great trouble in accepting life has changed and you are not going to be hurt again.
Really getting through the hurt you have received is a three person job, not just you. You partner can certainly play a role, apart from caring if he can understand what you are going though he may be a source of comfort and not feel it is something he did and feel guilty as a result.
If I can suggest it you may well find that the path to feeling better does require medical assistance. This is not as daunting as it might sound but can make a fair amout of difference. Feeling something is going to go wrong or being afraid of being happy is no way to live - and you deserve better.
I had different sorts of mental injuries but was the same in the belief life was not really going to get better, and kept acting as if things could not be permanently good. Trying by myself to make myself improve simply did not work, and it was only when I sought medical help things changed. Today I lead a good life with a great partner.
So can I suggest, if you have not done so already, you seek counseling or therapy and see how it goes. I'd also suggest sitting down with your partner and explaining how you feel at times and that it is something from the past, not him. Also you are taking steps to feel better.
You know you are always welcome here.
Croix
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Hi, welcome
Thankyou for writing in as I'm sure many readers will benefit from this common problem of insecurity.
The first step if you havent taken it is to be open and candid about how you are feeling to your partner. This will relieve him of thinking it is his fault. The next step IMO is to find ways for your partner to embrace actions that will result in you building up confidence in your relationship with the aim of feeling more secure. eg more comments along the lines of "I wont leave you" or "I'm very happy with you". If you however suggest these comments for him to make, for him it will feel a little... fake? So it is far better for him to be told these things from a 3rd person.
Enter a relationship counsellor as Croix suggests. Attending a counsellor could be the one step you might never regret. It sounds like a huge step but having been to many over the years it is GOLD!. Your partner will be there listening to that 3rd person explain how you are feeling, why you feel the way you do and what can be done about it. Also there is a bonus- any issues that your partner might have that seems small, could well be ironed out at the same place, be it a very small issue like that you burn his eggs or you dont hug him enough... you never know what deep thoughts go on in your partners mind sometimes.
So thats it, Your serious issues from years ago will indeed take a long time for them to drift away but your dealing with them now will secure your relationship with more understanding.
Thankyou for being brave here today
TonyWK
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The warmest of welcomes to you 🙂❤️
My heart goes out to you, given your experiences with such truly sickening behaviour from people in your past. I'm wondering whether '...a healthy sense of...' could be a term you come to use that will begin to make some positive difference to you. If you're a deeply feeling person, someone who's able to easily sense, it could be a matter of 'I wish to develop a healthy sense of trust that I can feel' or perhaps 'I'm determined to develop a healthy sense of self understanding that I can feel' or maybe 'My goal is to work on a healthy sense of communication that I can share with my partner and feel'. The list could become extensive, when it come to regaining a greater sense of health. I suppose it's a matter of what proves to be the best medicine in your recovery after facing such sickening events in your life.
The other factor, which Tony and Croix point to, can involve who would be the right people for helping you administer such medicine/therapy (for mind, body and soul). Your partner: I'll serve you in ways that will lead you to gain a greater sense of trust. A psychological therapist: I'll serve you in ways that lead you to gain a sense of greater self understanding. A relationship counselor and your partner: We'll serve you in ways that lead you to gain a greater sense of communication. Then there's a dosage factor or how much and how often you need to be served before you begin feeling a healthy difference. Sometimes it can take a circle of people to serve in our recovery. Some may serve daily or twice daily or weekly or fortnightly etc.
I think the overall health of our inner dialogue can also play a huge part. With so many different facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are, tapping into the sage in us may lead us to hearing 'You've got this, it'll take some time but you've got this. You're going to be okay'. The seer or visionary in us may dictate 'Find others who'll strengthen your vision. You need more light shed when it comes to which direction you need to head in'. Perhaps it could even involve the inner adventurer with cues like 'You need to be adding ventures, as opposed to repeating the same old ventures that serve as upsetting triggers. It's time to begin shifting more focus toward new things that are going to lead you to experience a greater sense of joy/excitement/fulfillment'. So many different parts of us that can be champing at the bit, waiting to come to life in order to serve us.
I wish for you only the best when it comes to your recovery and way forward.❤️